Stories that strike the heart.

There are some stories that hit me in my heart. I've always believed that there is something special and sacred about relationships. I'm a romantic and an idealist. There is something special about every relationship, whether good or bad. Sure, maybe relationships sour over time and maybe it won't work out in the end. But to actively interfere in someone else's relationship because you can seems despicable.

It is even worse when you don't particularly care about the person you are interfering with and playing with them like human toys.

Damn, sometimes I wish I could wipe those people off the planet.

Where did this come from? Just a story I've read. I got very disturbed after reading it. Angry even.

I just read a dream that I've written down only 4 days ago, and I no longer remember the particulars about the dream. Sigh. It looks like even writing them down doesn't work anymore.

Fun saturday. Not many like it so far.

Anyways, I realized that I forgot to include photos. They will be posted at the end of this post.

So on Saturday, Mason, Val and I went around Ottawa just hanging around. Went to the Lieutenant's Pump, a small pub, for lunch. Diner like in its menu, I couldn't get liver and onions because it was brunch, so I settled with its breakfast special. It was pretty and good. Tasty. We discussed random topics including but not limited to: religion, food, people, medical practices, government spending, politics, etc. We wandered Bywood market, and Parliament Hill. It was closed, but we still went up the Peace Tower. Went around Rideau center.

Afterwards, had a very enjoyable meal at Big Daddy's Crab Shack. They had oysters on the half shell there, so we had a couple of those, and some oysters baked with crabmeat and cheese. Tasty appetizers. I had the Texas Redfish and mash potatoes with lobster gravy. Mason had the catfish and Val had crabcakes/crawfish combo. The crabcakes were awesome, much better than the crap they served down in Waterloo at that fish house. The fish was awesome (both of them) with good flavor and fresh tasting filets. The vegetables were one of the few steamed vegetables that were cooked well and still retained its flavour. No frozen vegetables here. Or at least if it was, they cooked it well. The mash potatoes with lobster gravy was a bit salty, but excellent nevertheless.

Then we wandered a bit more, and went home. A most enjoyable saturday.
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Why is it that everytime I hear songs from Love Hina, it makes me want to cry? By all counts, it is a happy anime, with love and redemption, and yet it makes my eyes water up. Maybe it marks a return to the time when there was less responsibilities and more possibilities and that it is a realization of wasted effort that I have put in since? Or maybe that the world changes and yet, I still long for the days of yesterday?

Maybe it is because it contrasts the life that I have now versus the one before? Nostalgia, as always, is a most interesting emotion, fill with heartache and regret. And yet it is one I treasure the most, as it reminds me I'm still here.
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I just had a weird dream just now, but not going to post it here. I don't understand it myself. But weird. Damn weird.

The storyline will change like this. The female that the lead is interested in would be switch sides because of a switch in ideology. The lead would be interested in a new girl on his own side. They get married, have a kid, but he still can't forget the first girl, even though he was on the other side. Even after resolution, this causes a break between the lead and girl #2, causing a shift in balance in their side of organization. Of course, there is the redemption part, which is that the guy realize what he was chasing was a figment of his imagination and returns to girl #2. Very cliche, but sometimes things are cliche for a reason. It is the execution that is going to be difficult.
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Some photos from last week:

Here's a huge dinosaur bone, with Sandy in it.

Richard getting eaten by dinosaurs.

Me with triceratops!

Sandy and I with Einstein!
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Anyways. Time to sleep. Good night all!

Well...kinda finished WoW

Well, its been another long while since I've posted. That delay was caused by WoW. Yes, its an artificial goal set by a game, but I've finished what I set out to do with 2 months to go. Well, it is fun, to talk to people and to try to finish an shared objective. It is pretty lonely here in Kanata.

Well, I went to the Nature musuem this past Sunday with Richard and Sandy. Was fun, although some exhibits were not ready despite it being the first weekend to open since its renovation of its east wing. So the dinosaur exhibit was awesome. Pictures below. It was fun. Afterwards, went to Zek's diner. I had liver and onions, which is what I order everytime I go into a "diner". It was okay. Different from most I've had, because this was actually cooked well past done, to a bit burnt. However, the onion was kinda still raw, meaning it still had bite to it, but not enough sweetness. The coleslaw was okay, as was the onion rings. Overall, it was decent.

Afterwards, we went to Kate's house because she was throwing a small gathering for StatCan people. So Richard and I tagged along. Afterwards, we went home while they went to a bar. Living out in the boonies means that we were at the mercy of the buses.
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More thinking.

What am I looking for? A girl that interests me intellectually and physically. Apparently, she doesn't exist. Lily thinks that I have more chance looking for girls on WoW than in real life.

Could be what I want doesn't exist? It could be, because apparently if I think about it, I'm not even viewing what I want as a person anymore. You can't expect to just ask for someone that would stay with you without conditions. Will I be willing to change in order to be with anyone? Of course, I'll say right now, but who knows in the future. You are who you are. You can change in the little ways, but it is hard to change a lot of little things than one big thing.

I don't know what I want in life yet. My interests are varied, yet none of them are a passion for me. Perhaps I need to find someone that would inspire passion. But I'm too shallow. I want someone that understand geek culture, is interesting (weird in otherwords =P), and in my opinion, looks good. But from what I understand of statistics, the chance of me meeting someone single like that is next to 0. Most of them are in a relationship already. Sometimes I wonder if the person I'll fall in love with will have a huge traumatic experience or have been hurt before. Otherwise I'd probably never "deserve" her. Sigh. I have an inferiority complex nowadays, or at least for this aspect of my life. I think I've always had it.

I guess I don't know what my future holds. Nor do I know what path it should take. This path will probably warn girls away with "Loser" branded on my forehead. Or maybe it does now. Indirection is never good. Always go with the direct. But for now, it is better to be a bit more indecisive than to be trapped in something you don't like for a long while. Apparently, I'm still young, even though I'm probably too old for a first kiss. In this aspect, my mind is probably still in high school.

And I decided to quit swearing. Swearing for me was never about blasphemy or any special thing. It was to garner attention on to whatever I was talking about. Therefore, in order to emphasize anything I will instead just growl in a menacing tone.

Oh yeah, waiting for my mail order perscription glasses to arrive. It's a good deal, considering the 'features' its supposed to have. Memoryless, bendable, "rimless" for $50. That, and a haircut. And a new wardrobe. Apparently I need a lot of things. Kind of want a new mp3 player, but that will have to wait.

Anyways, I got nothing else to write. Good night. Been having weird dreams, but each of them are semi-enjoyable. Till I see you in my dreams, my dear Valkyrie.

Been a week

So I've been thinking this past week. Oh yeah, my total number of pages to write is now 4. Damn my straying thoughts.

I noticed I was thinking a lot while I was walking. About my life in general, and al ot of other things. The problem comes in recalling it. I can't. They are deep profound thoughts, dedicated to changing my perception of everything, and yet, I usually forget it as soon as I get home. I have a shadow of what it was, and yet, I just can't remember exactly the thoughts exactly.

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What am I looking for? Some would say immortality. Some will say immortality lays within the gneetic material we pass on to the next generation. Others would say that we would remember those that stay close to our hearts. Yet others would say that immortality lay in wait for those that are great enough for everyone to remember. Yet in a few hundre years, we fall. Forgotten from memory, forgotten from the face of the earth. No one would mourn us. And that is too sad to contemplate. I guess then, if it is not immortality that we seek, then it should be pursuit of the moment, or at least the moment and the immediate future. For all plans shatter and the first ring of reality.

Ha. What I want to do for the rest of my life? I kind of figure this thing out. I am simply, a system exploiter. I have an innate understanding of systems in the abstract sense, and I can sense the weakness and strengths of them. I can't see what time of job will allow me to use this ability fully, but if I do, it will be a fun job.

I think I've been treating girls like figurines again. I have a problem treating them as people. I hold them up to pedestals, which is unfair of me to do so. I guess its all this romantism and chivalry that I still believe on some fundamental level, underneath this hard crusty cynical shell. But I think I know what I want now. A companion. One that is willing to put up with my impulsiveness. And yes, I'm impulsive. It's just that being impulsive alone isn't that much fun.

Sigh, there are a lot more things. I'll have to write them down next time, instead of relying on memory. My memory fades fast. Too fast. Till I see you in my dreams, my Muse.

Worst bus driver ever.

So anyways. Came back on monday. Planned to ride the 2:55 bus in Scarborough Town Center. However, decided instead to take the bus from central terminal just because my sister was going there as well, as well as getting an easier seat.

When I got there 30 minutes early, there was a bus ready to go. however, it only went to Ottawa center, so that was a drawback. But it was leaving 30 minutes early, and an hour earlier than the one leaving STC, so I decided to get on.

Big mistake. The driver was a total n00b. He didn't know how to drive very well. Seems like it was his first trip to Ottawa, since he was asking for directions. As well, he took the 400 instead of the DVP because supposedly theDVP was blocked/traffic jam. Still would have been faster, but he didn't know it. All in all, a very bad driver.

Anyways, afterwards, when I got off the bus, it was already 7:30. I was supposed to get to Kanata Town Center by 7:10. Instead, I was 20 minutes late and stuck in the middle of downtown. The problem was, the 101, which goes near where I was, did not run on sundays, and since it was a stautatory holiday, the buses were running on a sunday schedule. I tried looking at a map, but I basically thought and paced for a bit.

A girl then came up to me and asked if I knew how to get to where she lived. I didn't, but since she was trying to get to Baseline, I decided to help her. It didn't hurt that she was quite pretty. So anyways, I suggested walking north to hit the 95/96/97 lines. She then asked if we could walk together.

So we talked a bit and then we got to Baseline with a 95X bus. I got her email in case our group was doing Musuem hops since she was new to the area too. She took the Fallowfield bus after while I took the 118 bus to get back to Hazeldean and Eagleson. I got back at aroudn 9:20, over 2 hours over what I expected.

Pretty interesting night, even if it did take the darnest long time. However, it is a shame that my emails so far have gotten no responses. Oh well.

Till I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.

Steps

I guess I complain a lot. I look at the negative rather than the positive. I see stagnation and neglect.

I see myself.

Change is what keeps things alive. We measure our moments by changes. We measure the passing of time by observable changes around us. To change is to live. To stay still is to stagnate.

I have stood still.

I want to change, but not enough. I move slowly, while others dart like quicksilver. I have wasted my life, my lost chances and opportunities.

Worse off, it was because I didn't try.

And now that it has passed, I can only look back with regret, not fondness for where I am. I can only stand and wonder about mediocrity. I have stepped in and slid in like a comfortable old coat and complain about the glories of yesteryear.

I can continue to stand, or try to walk forward.

I have tested the waters and walked a few baby steps, but it is still early. Easy to blame video games, but it is only the tool, not the cause. It is easier for the imaginative to slip into a world where life matters, than those without. I am too easily stuck in fantasy than most. I state it as fact, not for bragging rights.

The only thing to do is to use it to my advantage.

It is one of my dreams/goals to be a writer. I have always wated to share the world I see with people. Science has lacked the ability to make our dreams visible by other people. All we can do is use our inept language to handle communication.

A person without purpose, is a man without a soul.

Contentment is denied the person who strives for nothing. No success can succeed without the other: achievement, respect and happiness. For it takes achievement for respect, respect for happiness and happiness for achievement. Only then will one feel satisfied.

To change who I am, to live again, I will place a test.

Anytime I place a thought about a girl in any other capacity than friend (more than friends), I will write a new page about the story. This stops when I ask her out for the first date. A strong motive for both, for the second follows only when I think it is right. Until then, I cannot find solace in my video games. Instead, I will find solace in my world of imagination. To start, I will need an outline, revised characters and placement within the outline. Each page is 12 font double space. Plans for the outline comes first. Then expansion.

This might be the beginning steps. Baby steps Kevin, but moving forward.

I just may take up pure math agin. Surely though, I will probably want brain teasers. Learning about how things work. Systems in general. And definately sleeping more.

In time, I might make it to open the door of this world.

And enter into another one, satisfied with what I have left behind me. Immortality only exist in the minds of the living. And I intend to at least attempt it.

I cast myself to your fate, my fair muse. Till I see you again, in my dream.

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Plot idea: Contrast villain's action to hero's inaction. Hero's fatalism causes the world's cataclysm. Redemption in the second and third part only because of Hero's reluctant burden of action.

Bus Ride Back

Well, tonight was a fun time. Left work early to get the 4:30 bus back to Toronto. Otherwise, the 6:30 bus would meant I would have gotten to Toronto at 11:30 and home around 1.

Anyways, Sandy invited me to hang with her statcon friends on the bus ride back. So I met Kate, Will and Craig. I had the feeling that Will didn't like me much, and he admitted he didn't like Waterloo students much even if he is from UW.

The journey began uneventfully. Basically, all of us were tired from the fact we started work early. So, most of us napped until the bus stopped halfway at this log cabin cafe.

We had sandwiches and pretty much stretched ourselves out of 20 minutes. Kate and Will seemed talkative and "bonded". Sandy seemed off in her little world after reading, so I had no one really to talk to. Somehow, the topi of religion got introduced (sigh. Me again), and we got to talking about where they grew up and such.

Interesting enough, a guy sitting in front of us got into the debate in religion. He was a devout Christian and we debated about religion for a while. The problem for me is twofold. First, devout people always has the demeanor of total confidence: that they are right and you are wrong, even if it is a test of faith. me, I'm a skeptic and that makes my position look weaker, even if it is equally valid, just because of the nature and origin of the argument. We debated a bit more when a girlcame into the discussion as well. Rebecca was studying at Ottawa U for her theology degree and pointed out several points. While I was not thoroughly convinced (as I am naturally suspicious of any religious argument), she brought interesting points. However, some of her theories taught to her by theology could be found explained by sociological concepts of heirarchy of needs and the Jungian thought of a global consciousness. It was a fun period.

She also told me how she finished her pharmacology degree, worked as a pharmascist and wasn't satisfied. She plans to be a pastoral consellor (a therapist using faith as a primary healing source) in Vancouver, where her fiance is living. There's only one consellor total in Vancouver.

Meanwhile, Kate and Will were still talking. But I couldn't really interject, as I was more of a third wheel. Rebecca kept talking about stuff. Found out she was German. Sandy was still reading her book.

Anyways, I noticed that Ottawa has many cute, if not hot, white girls. (Asian girls, however, tend to be ararity) In particular, I think German girls are cute and hot.

I shall go to sleep soon. After I read this Buzz on Relationship book. It's a funny parody book.

Till I see you in my dreams, my Muse.

Epiphany

Sometimes...I get a bit mystical.

Today, I was supposed to go to Kanata Town Centre to get greyhound tickets. However, when I got out, I think I was one minute late, because the bus was no longer there and the next one was arriving in 8 minutes.

When it finally arrived, I was hoping it would go faster. I was listening to some old songs that got my blood pumped up against something. It made me feel alive. It was as if it threw off a black cloud on me that I didn't know of. When I got off the bus, I felt like someone was watching over me, because the light changed just as I was about to call it.

When I arrived at the stop to get the 96 bus, I think I was another minute late for that one, and the next one would arrive at 5:57, which would make me miss the 6:00 closing of the bus stop. So, I decided to walk home from there.

The wind was nice. It was a nice breeze, and meanwhile, I swaggered back towards home. I felt like I could do anything. And words appear to me. It was the phrase..."and I shall not be held in abeyance anymore", along with a surge of confidence and self-satisfaction. I feel like I could do anything.

Anyways, that's my mystical experience for today. Good night, my sweet Muse.

Near Childhood's End.

I never liked touching people. Yet I believe I'd like hugs. Or even cuddling from a loved one.

This is conflicting. Paradoxical even.

Now, I don't know why this is. The not touching people could be a reaction from years of conditioning. Sometimes I feel very uncomfortable in my own body. As if my mind was nothing but a parasite using this body for a limited time.

And then there's the opposite, which is the want of somebody. Touching somebody, as a tactile sensation, is a powerful trigger. The tactile sense is much stronger than most other sense you have as well as the most direct one. Also, the act of touching somebody helps reinforce the fact that we are not alone in this world.

Sometimes I wonder why I don't feel like I'm in my own body. At other times, I wonder about the acts of physical intimacy, such as kissing. You can say, however, it is not a high priority for me. My imagination does suffice. I do seem to be able to think what it ought to feel like. But I guess nothing is as good as the real thing.

But then again, sometimes I wonder if I'm deliberately afraid of these acts because they mark me as growing up. Getting a girlfriend would probably be a step that away. Taking up more responsibility for my actions. Tying myself to one job. It stinks of mediocrity. Dreams. Ideals. Waiting for the 'perfect' one. Be an enterpreneur and retire by 40. Live as you want to live. We have two conflicting sides. One trying to grow up. The other side trying to stay young and dream. Because mediocrity just doesn't cut it. And growing up means the end of dreams.

So these physical reactions could also be a reflection on this. The aversion probably comes from the kid side, while the part of me that's growing up needs physical contact. But do I think I'm ready to grow up? Maybe I should let fate decide that. Until my childhood really comes to an end, I guess I'll go on dreaming. Maybe forever.

I don't know sometimes. Maybe this is hokey psychology. But it doesn't matter. This writing is supposed to soothe me, and it has. What's better is that hopefully, other people would have views on this and discuss about the impending identity and mid-life crisis I'll have.

Who knows. Till I see you in my dreams, inspire me, my Valkyrie.

In rememberance of past and future conflicts.

So today, I went to Roma's house for something for our FYDP. As I remembered correctly, there was nothing that she had that we needed and so I progressed to Rideau center to wait for Drew and his friend. We were planning to go to the war museum and afterwards go out to eat. We decided to meet at 2:30 at the octranspo office in Rideau center. I had planned to spend an hour or so at Roma's place at around 12:00. I had no idea it would be that close, and thus I went to Walmart and a small bookstore. Walmart...I actually saw that they were selling Gameboy. I was tempted to buy an advanced SP for 70 bucks. It was 20 bucks off, but the DS was already out and the advanced was outdated. So anyways, I didn't buy it. In the end I bought a book to occupy my time.

So anyways. Drew, Vincent and I went around the War Museum. It was a very interesting place. The history of all the wars that Canada has fought in. All the relics and weapons. It is interesting because of all the...blood of it all. The very ground that we stand in was drenched in blood at one time or another. And our ideals of freedom and justice are grounded by blood.
This picture expresses what I felt after it.

However, technology is always cool. This is a flamethrower car that throws flames up to 90 meters away.


Lan just told me that everything for FYDP is fine. Wee. We owe you Lan!

Anyways. This is an update post, not the heavy thinking stuff and this is what I leave you with. Lates =).