It's been little less than a week, and I haven't been able to sleep before 2am. Lot's of things contribute to this, including distractions galore and various ideas swirling around my head.
I've been rethinking about what I really want in life. What would be the 'one sentence' description someone who knows you give you? While people are complex enough that one single sentence doesn't do them justice. But in our world, we make assumptions and stereotypes in order to understand the world. We decide on our perception of a person in as little as under 5 minutes, so what do you do to put your best foot forward? It's hard.
I've been hit with a Korean fad lately. Granted, it is still very small, but my new favourite band is a Korean pop/rock band, "Loveholic". They do very good ballads that's catchy and their style reminds me of the early pop that I love about Jpop. And a recent Korean movie that I watched is "200 pound beauty", a romantic comedy that's about a girl that's.... well, you can guess. I haven't finished it yet, but at times, it is sweet, while at times it is silly. Great escapism, if you can maintain your gag reflex.
Gotten a few more games for the Wii, playing a bit at a time. It's fun, but I really need to get more controllers for it.
As for the state of my life, I really don't know where it's going. But I guess I'd find out. =p I've been hanging out with Terry a little bit more. Their friends are interesting, not the usual group I'd hang around.
And gotten a couple (meaning 2) phone messages lately. One wishes me a happy new year. That seems standard, although, as a guy, I don't remember these things unfortunately. But the second one wishes me a Happy Valentine's day? I mean seriously, I don't get it. And I don't think I can spare any of my brain on that. It's already dying from lack of sleep.
Still listening to Loveholic's albums. It's so good.
I'm just rambling now.
I don't even know where I'd be in a few months. My life feels like its going to start moving very soon, and gain momentum from there. Now, I just need to know when the boulder that is my life will start to move. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I can't tell the future, so the anxiety will be there. Such sweet and cruel anxiety. I should get back to writing novels. I keep getting book ideas, awesome quotes, while walking around in the mall. Excellent villain dialogue and reasoning behind it, but I can never remember it. =/ It's such a curse.
I really don't know why I don't sleep. I need it, but it's secondary to my love of expressing myself right now. OH well, I think I ran out of things to say. Good night, sweet dreams. And may you always look over me, my Valkyrie.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Upon happiness
It was an epiphany for me.
For weeks now, I seemed distressed. A bit out of sorts. Actually, I've probably felt this way quite a few times in my life. An almost seemingly black funk. Probably comes from that fact I've been drifting aimlessly without a direction.
I must admit, I probably haven't live my life the way I wanted to. In a way, I've always just stuck to convention, and try out new things when it didn't change things too much. I don't think that's going to change anytime soon. I'm a conservative at heart. And yet, there's a part of me that would wish this world changed daily. At times, a lot of times actually, I feel like I'm two different people.
Sometimes it's because of this I can't decide on critical decisions. I'd rather let it flow naturally, because either way I choose, a part of me will always regret my choice.
But as I walked out on that Sunday afternoon, just walking towards the mall, everything snapped into focus. I have nothing to be responsible for. I have my life, my health, my petty cash. I'm free to do what I want, as little as my world is. Now I just have to decide whether to expand it or upgrade it. Specialize or generalize. But I got time. It's not like I have to do anything in a certain timing requirement. Everything either goes according to plan or not. Maybe I was just feeling sorry for myself. But either way, I can say that my life isn't craptacular. It's actually pretty nice actually. The only thing I would want is more time. Maybe more sleep.
And sleep also worries me. It's like a small stage of oblivion that we fall into each day. Is my requirement of sleep a sign that I refuse to make decisions. I don't know. But I really think I don't get enough sleep.
Recently, I've been listening to this Korean band, Loveholic. Their songs are mostly ballads, which I like. I think I've in love with the sound. It's been quite a long time since I've been this entranced by music. Although, I wonder what else is in front of my life.
This year marks the 2nd cycle of the zodiac for me. And it shows that I'm 24, no longer a young boy, but a young man that should be taking risks with no thought to the consequences. I wonder if that's really me. I don't even know what I want. I whine a lot about that lack of a love life, but you know what, it really doesn't bother me that much. I'm just kind of curious what it is all about, that's all. Ha, in all honesty, I think that while one part of me idealizes that romantic aspect of oblivion, another part of me sees a relationship as nothing more than a shared memory (the scientific reason why people stay in a relationship), while another part of me sees it as an economic and social convenience. I guess I can become very calculating if I want to be, but somehow, I don't know how useful that skill is. Maybe if I become a lawyer or something.
And I was thinking about my own personal belief system. I've never liked organized religion, but I've always felt that there was something that was watching over me. I call her my Goddess of Convenience. In Elementary school till High school, anything that I wanted to happen, did happen in a matter of speaking. Anytime I needed a bit of luck to make my life easier, that something would happen. Granted, it didn't work really well on critical issues like exams, but anything like multiple choice answers or contests, I would do well on. While I won't link it as some would to a Guardian Angel or something like that, I always believed that a goddess of luck was beside me somehow. Yet I felt that somehow, I've squandered that gift and now I feel like I don't have it anymore. I guess I just need to find my Lady Luck in this plane of existence, instead of in my imagination. =p I wonder when that would be. Haha, somehow I guess that would only happen if my ethereal Goddess of Convenience approves.
Anyways, I should probably sleep. Good night.
Until we meet again in my dreams, my Valkyrie.
For weeks now, I seemed distressed. A bit out of sorts. Actually, I've probably felt this way quite a few times in my life. An almost seemingly black funk. Probably comes from that fact I've been drifting aimlessly without a direction.
I must admit, I probably haven't live my life the way I wanted to. In a way, I've always just stuck to convention, and try out new things when it didn't change things too much. I don't think that's going to change anytime soon. I'm a conservative at heart. And yet, there's a part of me that would wish this world changed daily. At times, a lot of times actually, I feel like I'm two different people.
Sometimes it's because of this I can't decide on critical decisions. I'd rather let it flow naturally, because either way I choose, a part of me will always regret my choice.
But as I walked out on that Sunday afternoon, just walking towards the mall, everything snapped into focus. I have nothing to be responsible for. I have my life, my health, my petty cash. I'm free to do what I want, as little as my world is. Now I just have to decide whether to expand it or upgrade it. Specialize or generalize. But I got time. It's not like I have to do anything in a certain timing requirement. Everything either goes according to plan or not. Maybe I was just feeling sorry for myself. But either way, I can say that my life isn't craptacular. It's actually pretty nice actually. The only thing I would want is more time. Maybe more sleep.
And sleep also worries me. It's like a small stage of oblivion that we fall into each day. Is my requirement of sleep a sign that I refuse to make decisions. I don't know. But I really think I don't get enough sleep.
Recently, I've been listening to this Korean band, Loveholic. Their songs are mostly ballads, which I like. I think I've in love with the sound. It's been quite a long time since I've been this entranced by music. Although, I wonder what else is in front of my life.
This year marks the 2nd cycle of the zodiac for me. And it shows that I'm 24, no longer a young boy, but a young man that should be taking risks with no thought to the consequences. I wonder if that's really me. I don't even know what I want. I whine a lot about that lack of a love life, but you know what, it really doesn't bother me that much. I'm just kind of curious what it is all about, that's all. Ha, in all honesty, I think that while one part of me idealizes that romantic aspect of oblivion, another part of me sees a relationship as nothing more than a shared memory (the scientific reason why people stay in a relationship), while another part of me sees it as an economic and social convenience. I guess I can become very calculating if I want to be, but somehow, I don't know how useful that skill is. Maybe if I become a lawyer or something.
And I was thinking about my own personal belief system. I've never liked organized religion, but I've always felt that there was something that was watching over me. I call her my Goddess of Convenience. In Elementary school till High school, anything that I wanted to happen, did happen in a matter of speaking. Anytime I needed a bit of luck to make my life easier, that something would happen. Granted, it didn't work really well on critical issues like exams, but anything like multiple choice answers or contests, I would do well on. While I won't link it as some would to a Guardian Angel or something like that, I always believed that a goddess of luck was beside me somehow. Yet I felt that somehow, I've squandered that gift and now I feel like I don't have it anymore. I guess I just need to find my Lady Luck in this plane of existence, instead of in my imagination. =p I wonder when that would be. Haha, somehow I guess that would only happen if my ethereal Goddess of Convenience approves.
Anyways, I should probably sleep. Good night.
Until we meet again in my dreams, my Valkyrie.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
It's if its bursting out from me because it has nowhere else to go.
I'm going to make some decisions.
No matter how irrational they are.
I think in a way, my imagination trumps my good sense. Or my idealistic romantic side takes over my realistic side. We know not what the future holds, yet we're wildly optimistic. I don't know what it is that inspires such hope. I wonder if it's a support mechanism....
NO~
That's not what I want to talk about. I'm getting distracted again. I think it's because I'm listening to Loveholic's "Sky". It's a Korean rock band that actually sounds pretty damn good.
Well. I don't know what it is that I want to do. I sometimes wonder if I want a ready made path. And then other times, I wonder if there's more information for me to absorb in easy bite sized pieces.
This is truly random.
Sigh.
Life's like that huh.
I'm going to make some decisions.
No matter how irrational they are.
I think in a way, my imagination trumps my good sense. Or my idealistic romantic side takes over my realistic side. We know not what the future holds, yet we're wildly optimistic. I don't know what it is that inspires such hope. I wonder if it's a support mechanism....
NO~
That's not what I want to talk about. I'm getting distracted again. I think it's because I'm listening to Loveholic's "Sky". It's a Korean rock band that actually sounds pretty damn good.
Well. I don't know what it is that I want to do. I sometimes wonder if I want a ready made path. And then other times, I wonder if there's more information for me to absorb in easy bite sized pieces.
This is truly random.
Sigh.
Life's like that huh.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
WInterlicious and Party
Yesterday, went to Winterlicious with Darren. Problem started on thursday, when the other two guests dropped out because of awkwardness or something. So it was basically 2 guys at Globe Bistro. It wasn't bad, but I didn't think it was that good. It is pretty much a taster menu, and while some of the foams and sauces were tasty, it really wasn't that great. The main course was a rabbit stew like thing. While the outer saucy part was good. The preparation left the inside of the meat bland. It was like old stewed pork in chinese cooking. There was no taste to it. Likewise, the desert was blah. Banana cake.
Anyways, afterwards went to this party hosted by Terry, who I haven't seen for a while. Lots of people at this party. Lots of drinking. Poker. Won 15 bucks actually. It was a cash game. Saw Elizabeth, whom I haven't seen for a while. Carter was there. Some other people that I saw once beforehand at Carter's party. Interesting group.
Lots of people there seemed kind of committed to some sort of goal. Some were going to animation school, while others were doing IT work. Yet others just want to party. Was talking to Crystal, this girl that wants to go to university for business, then start her own company or restaurant or something. Why is it that I'm attracted to those that are either quite a bit younger than me or older than me? I think its because the university years make them open to the idea of lots of possibilities, but unable to act on them. When you're young, you have dreams. When you're older, you have goals. But in between, the process of converting dreams to goals make the girls appear aimless.
Overanalyzing again? Who knows =p.
Kevin
Anyways, afterwards went to this party hosted by Terry, who I haven't seen for a while. Lots of people at this party. Lots of drinking. Poker. Won 15 bucks actually. It was a cash game. Saw Elizabeth, whom I haven't seen for a while. Carter was there. Some other people that I saw once beforehand at Carter's party. Interesting group.
Lots of people there seemed kind of committed to some sort of goal. Some were going to animation school, while others were doing IT work. Yet others just want to party. Was talking to Crystal, this girl that wants to go to university for business, then start her own company or restaurant or something. Why is it that I'm attracted to those that are either quite a bit younger than me or older than me? I think its because the university years make them open to the idea of lots of possibilities, but unable to act on them. When you're young, you have dreams. When you're older, you have goals. But in between, the process of converting dreams to goals make the girls appear aimless.
Overanalyzing again? Who knows =p.
Kevin
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