So much to do. So little motivation.

Taxes.
Clean up place.
Throw crap out.

My daily living schedule has become a fixed routine lately. It's eat, chat a bit. Read some books. And then sleep. Nothing terribly new and exciting.

And the problem is, I'm content to let it stay that way.

That's a problem you see. Because contentment usually leads to stagnation.

And so far, I don't have a real goal yet. Nor do I have a plan. I'm still struggling trying to find my identity. I'm not really Chinese enough (read that as fobby enough) to mingle with some of the Chinese groups. I don't have the same fervor they have for soap operas and kareoke. Nor do I have the language skills that they possess.

I'm not really westernized either. I do prefer Chinese food, I don't watch sports and I'm more intellectual than a jock. Yet, I don't prefer to mindlessly game for hours one end either. I'd try new games once, but I am not that absorbed into them that much. Besides nostalgia's sake, I do not enjoy gaming that much. It is more like a replacement as a social outlet more than anything else. A shared activity if you will.

My morals and principles? Probably as strict and judgmental as the Christians on views of sexual conduct and relationships. However, I'm not a Christian, and I actually dislike organized religion. I'm an agnostic or a pagan, depending on how you count superstitions. Well, I believe in my goddess of convenience. Well, there we go, I really don't fit in religion wise either, although that's not a huge issue nowadays (usually).

A large part of my problem is my identity I would say. I don't know who I am and which 'group' I fit into. Unless misfit is a group. =p Been trying to become more 'stylish', but it is slow going, as I'd have to change some of my mannerism as well. I may have to work on that. Especially the no slouching part.

I'm trying to work out more regularly nowadays. It is getting better, although I must admit that I do sometimes forget. Hopefully, this change will happen soon. I'd have to sleep better. That's for sure.

I also admit that I've been sheltered a lot of times in my life in relationship issues such as friendship and other stuff. I have never really grown up. My friendship parameters are still in junior high school mode with patches added on for each 'advance'. So the structure is kind of shaky. However, since the whole set of behavior for working was developed in university, it was much better. It's hard to explain, but I feel that I am an incomplete person, with half of me grown up and the other half being still juvenile.

Oh well, no use whining about this stuff. It is written here just so that it is realized and self-actualization can occur. I believe this will make me a stronger person. That's why I have to say that I'm not really ready for a full fledged relationship yet. My comfort zone is still stuck in that stage between friend and relationship. So, until I grow, that will never happen, which is why I really don't worry about it anymore. I'm worry about my personal growth instead.

I'm happy to say, it's going smoothly.

Until I see you in my dream again, my dear Valkyrie.

ps. been having awesome dreams the past 2 days. Haven't written them down like usual though, so I forget. But they have been epic storylines with different sets of intrigue, romances, fighting and adventure. Very enjoyable.

Past 2 days

So for the past two days, I've been toying around with the idea that I should write a letter to someone I feel I have acted rudely towards quite a number of years ago. And yet, I dare not write it. I have all the reason to write it, one of which is that it would ease my conscience. The other is that I would very unlikely run into her at any point in my future. And yet, I can't seem to write it. I guess it is part of me that refuse to do anything that is unnecessary because it may expose me to new hurts. I can't even use awkwardness as a factor, because I'd be unlikely to see her ever. And yet, I can't write it because I don't know how to apologize. One of the reasons is that while I may have been excessively rude, I don't know how else to apologize. We were never friends, merely acquaintances, but I feel the need to right this wrong, and yet, I also feel the need to let the past be buried in the past.

What do you guys think?

As a new rule, I have tried to smile more. A lazy kind of smile, rather than a shit-eating grin. I find that it does have an effect on the people around me more. They seem to respond to this lazy smile a little bit more. For example, in the supermarket today, 2 old ladies actually smiled, and the cashier actually seem nice and smiled at me, even when she put my bags away. Much better than the indifference I usually get.

I've also rededicated myself. No point after all, until another year has passed. I need to focus and figure out what exactly it is I want to change into first. I'm also cleaning the house with what little time I have left.

My dreams are haunting. They're returning with a frequency and intensity that I haven't experienced since high school. Sometimes I wonder if I'd ever meet 'the One', just because dreams are such a big part of my life. And given the technology now, she can never share in it. After all, that's what a relationship is after all, the sharing of common experiences.

Sometimes I wonder if I can ever meet someone that I could pledge my loyalty to. And hope she doesn't shatter that loyalty with betrayal. I think that's the only thing I can't ever forgive. It's a good thing I'm pretty accommodating in all other aspects.

Enough writing. I'll go back to cleaning my room before sleeping.

Until I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.

A post before I sleep

This week has been a busy week. I keep finding bugs in the system and this causes more work for me. Granted, I do slack off once in a while to keep my sanity, but on the whole, a lot of negotiation, a lot of trying to rack our brains of diagnosing the problem and a whole bunch of time spent trying to effectively use our time.

As a result, I haven't been able to sleep more than 6 hours. I haven't worked the whole other 18 hours, but I do have to spend at least 5-6 hours on my own stuff, in order to just relax. I think stress is slowly killing me.

Been thinking a lot lately, but little resolution. I don't know what I want. I may never know. Maybe I just want someone to love and to pour my affection to (what an image huh). I guess 'loving' and caring is just as important as being loved and cared for.

And then I wonder at my own personal darkness. Have you gone through a checklist of what you can do and cannot do in terms of ethics (if there were no consequences). I think for me, my personal darkness is quite big. I guess part of that is that I dislike being restricted. I think if I had to choose an alignment, I'd probably be True Neutral. And somehow, I think that's the most 'evil' alignment. Just because the true neutral can explain away anything and still come out 'ahead'. For those of you that don't get it, its basically an explanation of ethics from a mathematical model (D&D actually).

My brain isn't working anymore. And I should start working out. I only have 2-3 years left to build up muscle and bone mass apparently.

Sigh. At least Smash Brothers Brawl is coming out this Saturday.

And I need to write another informative article. These self-reflection post need more flavour.

See you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.

I guess I don't post often enough when I should

So nothing much has changed. Life goes on.

My job has gotten a lot more hectic. Another person is leaving, causing his workload to add to mine. When I started, I started with 2 blocks to test. Then because the tests weren't going fast enough, it became 4 blocks to test. Now, with this recent increase, it will go to 7. And I'm still being paid as a junior engineer. I wonder if I'd get a promotion any time soon? Probably not =/.

I just impulsively bought a laptop. A T61p Thinkpad with a Penryn processor. Should last me a couple of years. That's my b-day gift to myself. So that's all good. My Wii also now has 4 controllers and I'm going to get a real copy of smash brothers brawl soon. Since my reason of buying a wii was to play SSBB, this is good.

As for the other front, I'm not going anywhere. She's off to her vacation, and I don't think I'm making headway. We're friends. So nothing more than that would develop I think. Oh well, still good to make friends.

Went into Waterloo on friday. Left work early because there was a huge snowstorm. Now, going to Waterloo is normally an hour affair, since it is only 125 km away. When I left work at 4:30, I fully expected to be there at 6:30, so I could play badminton.

It took me till 9 oclock before I entered the municipality of Waterloo.

That's three and a half hours (since I left TO at 5:30). With rush hour traffic and the snowstorm, the highway was at a standstill. At times, I was going not much more than 20 km/h.

That's not all of it of course. I'm a notoriously bad driver. I have already crashed twice into snowbanks and every time I came out unscathed. This time, with the speed I was going, there was almost no way I'd do anything rash....or so I thought.

Well, this time, I think someone was having their private joke. It wasn't until I got off 401 and onto highway 85 ( the final stretch into Kitchener) that my car lost control. I was driving at 100 km/h, when it caught on some snow. It was four fifth of the destination before I lost control.

I'm surprised I'm not horribly injured, or worse, dead. I guess I can credit it to quick reflexes, and gaming, I guess. I did a 270 degree turn across three lanes, from the fastest lane, to the shoulder on the side of the slowest lane. I was REALLY lucky, that there was only two cars heading towards me. They were travelling at 70km/h and one avoided me. The second one was very close to hitting me, but I braked to skid in time so that I just missed her. I was also no more than half a meter from the wall that was on the side of the shoulder. After I got over my initial shock, I had to breathe out deeply. Then I went on my merry way.

I wonder if this was supposed to tell me something or make me learn? I don't really know. All I know is that I didn't really feel that bad. I was shocked, but I was kind of accepting of it. It's not like I was scared. Maybe it was how light the sky was. I really don't know, but I was calm.

Anyways, Waterloo was a blast. Met Yannick, who's a decent guy. Played badminton. Had good food. Met up with FJ, Liang, and Wen. All of which is good stuff. So it was a decent weekend. And I got Smash Brothers Brawl working now. So everything is good.

I guess, for now though, time is at a standstill. I don't know when my frozen clock will start ticking again, but tick it will. Our lives are not that long after all.

Kevin.

Kissing Today?

One of the topics I delved into the past was how people reacting to different things. I've always reasoned that people do things because of conditioning, from conditioning of pain and pleasure. Reading Anthony Robbin's book "Awakening the Giant Within", my theories are given form that other people have read through his book.

However, one of the things that did not make sense to me was the evolution of kissing. Now, the mouth have traditionally been an organ to eat stuff, so how did it evolve into something related to romance or emotions? Granted, a lot of emotion is poured into food. Whenever people are spending quality time with others, it is usually through a meal. Wedding banquets, Business Lunches, Family Dinners, all of these mix our emotional behavior with the surplus of food. And yet, how did we ever get to the idea that putting our mouths together would trigger something as 'romantic' as the kiss?

Now, if you suggest that it was just natural...after all, your waste organs are also sexual organs, then I must admit you have a better idea of what our bodies are for than I. Well, after I read SciAm Mind today, there was an article on why the kiss is so profound in our lives. After all, as Hitch suggested, you get only one night, one kiss and that's all. What makes it so special?

The kiss supposedly evolved from apes. When they are out of food, pressing the lips together may trigger a way to soothe a baby without the presence of food, as well as showing affection and love. Now, this apparently continued towards modern day. Granted, throughout the years, the kiss has evolved as well. Techniques do improve and get passed down. Nowadays, the French kiss (or the Austrian kiss, depending on who you ask) is the norm for passionate kisses. Well, if the kiss is any indication, than France certainly deserves its reputation as the Country of Love.

One of the reasons why kissing is so pleasurable is the abundance of sensory nerves in the area. It is also the area with the thinnest skin. As our mouths can distinguish between pheromones, scientists suggest that it may be the smell, and the taste, of someone that makes us understand genetic compatibility. If something about the kiss feels different, then your body may not like them in bed. Apparently, it is the prelude to everything else. And a kiss that is different may not have anything 'wrong', it just seems incompatible.

Of course, the girls and the guys judging the kiss may have different criteria for judgment. For the guys, it is all about the physical compatibility from the kiss. The genetic makeup and such. For the girls however, it is about the emotional compatibility and whether the guy will stay with her. This is because the girl has a shorter timespan to have kids and this would make the kiss a detector for whether the guy will stay with her or not. So when kissing, you have to try to kiss sincerely (although I have no idea what that means).

And for all you players out there. It is actually much more 'normal' to tilt your head to the right when you are kissing. Apparently kisses between incompatibles tend to tilt to the left, whereas warmer kisses, you tilt your head to the right. However, other scientists have suggested that it is a sign of motor preference, not a matter of emotional preference.
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That's what I learned for today. Tune in next time for more insights into psyche.

Seriously though, I think this stuff is very interesting. Although, I think society views that it's "wrong" to be interested in anything related to the manipulation of people.

I just reread Kareshi Kanojo no Jijou. I think I want to live my life like the last sentence that the main hero and heroine says: "My dream is to die thinking, 'Wow, that was fun. I'm tired." "That's right. Our lives are just starting to get interesting."

Till I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.