Holy shit, it's been a month...

And I still haven't done my TFSAs. That's not too bad, but my RRSP I really should complete. I need that tax rebate!

Been taking a few pictures, but nothing really extraordinary. I did go a bit overboard buying lenses. Not the best, but still quite a bit of a frontend investment.

Got new glasses, and contacts. The glasses might be good, not sure yet. I hate to define life by what I buy. So materialistic, but I guess that's all that's new besides work.

I've stopped studying for GMATs for a while. I don't really seem to have time. It's kind of sucky that way. I don't even know where it goes.

One thing I do know, I am going to Montreal in March, so that should be plenty of photo-ops. Don't exactly know where to go though. I really should ask a resident of Montreal...like Yuki.

Um, I haven't thought about life and stuff like that for a while. I don't know why. Maybe it's a consequence of not having enough time? It could be, I'm not sure.

This is just an update I guess.

Self-centeredness

I make no pretense that I am a self-centered individual. Everyone is self-centered to an extent. After all, our very relationship with other people is based on the needs of your self. Maybe they don't admit it. Whether it is a need for status, security, material gain or something less defined..........I guess I'm rationalizing.

I don't know what to think anymore. I'm soon turning 25. Quarter century crisis indeed.

I don't know what to do or what I want.

This is just me ranting now. =/

TFSA application on questtrade still not done because I'm still looking at the review. It isn't looking that great right now.

And I am annoyed at the bastard that dented my car and killed my tail light while I was parked. Ugh. You cost me 300 dollars.

I should do a panorama of Western TO by the hill next to Joe's house at sunset.

Bought a jacket at Tristan. Looks nice.

Oh well, back to SC studying. English is tricky.

Goals

I have no life goals.

I don't know what I look like to other people. Some of the people I talk to online have told me I have the thoughts of a older person. Others that I have met told me I act more like a 28 year old (although that was because I met them only once or twice). Is it the rule that in our early twenties, we waste our time like it is not important? The searching, yearning and questing for the truth at my age seems to be a common pastime. However, the problem is that other people are actually doing something about it.

A friend of mine, after being dumped, is refocusing his efforts not on his love life, but on his new online business. Besides working a 9-6 job, he's using his free time to research and create infrastructure for his retail store. Another friend of mind already spent the better part of a year creating his business and is about to make his first big sale in his consulting business.

What do I have? I have accomplished nothing in my past 7 years. The last award I won was in 2001. Is that who I am? Someone whose identity is defined by award and achievements recognized by others?

Lisha points out the conundrum in my thinking. If I'm as self-reliant as they say, I should not care about the opinions of others. At the same time, I have no real measure of achievement or success without those same opinions. Technically, while I can live by myself and be content, it is boredom that strikes me the hardest. And the most interesting thing I've ever encountered is another person.

It is the mind of another person that holds the most mystery. After all, we don't know what or how other people think. Can we really predict the actions of our friends and acquaintances? I like certain TV shows and magazines because they give me a glimpse of understanding on how other people think.

Still, this does not solve my problem of what I want. What do I want really? To be happy? Famous? Love? Someone thought I'm desperate for a gf. If I really was, I'd do much more than being limited by my indecision and my inaction. If it can't even overcome my ennui, than I am not desperate enough. Another person has called me twisted. Perhaps. But it the unconventional that brings with it the most rewards, even as it brings it the most hardships. I don't know. The path of least resistance is just going along with my job. The second most is studying GMATs. The third most is to refocus. I think I'll go with GMATs for now.

That's my decision thus far, anyways.

Reasoning

I've always placed being self-reliant as a very important goal to myself. That is followed by efficiency, achieving as much as I can, and having as many options as I can for myself.

This could be the reason why I've never actually felt that I need a relationship to complete myself.

Sure I could say that a relationship is the easiest way to be somebody special in someone's eyes, but do I really need validation from another human being to be who I am? I never believed I did, especially since one of my goals is being self-reliant.

So it's not a big surprise for me that I haven't had a serious relationship ever. I don't know what I want or need. Beyond the physical aspect of it, I suppose there's not much more than being a very close friend. According to someone, it could be that I just have never experienced that sense of connection and self-fulfillment that a relationship brings. She sounds like a drug dealer. I don't know if I can trust her...

What are my long term goals? I am a survivalist. I'm pretty sure I can handle myself in any situation, at least any situation that would crop up in daily life. For family or relationship issues, those can wait for now I guess. I really don't know what I want. I have a stable job, relative freedom, no rent, friends, family. What more could I want?

Sure, I'd like a "seasoned partner of life" (haha. Love Hina scanlation reference.), but I can do without it for now. What I'm missing is someone to share memories, interests and time with. The problem is that I think it'd be too much trouble right now. The problem being the irrationality of emotions, the fact that I like to drift back to nostalgia much more than any new thing, and the whole losing memory thing, really kills any chance of this.

Plus for the fact that I hate doing anything 'wrong' (incorrectly, not morally wrong.), and the fact I can imagine the consequences really makes me a killjoy.

Maybe I really should take a photography course.

Decisions

Sent out the stuff I needed to. Paid bills. Relative freedom.

Going to take the GMAT in July.

I don't get why people wouldn't like photos on facebook, even if its just a picture of them as a couple. Seriously, are you that ashamed of your potential mate? Or just ashamed of the picture in general?

I don't believe that I ever regret any thing I've done. I've regret stuff that I haven't done, but not stuff that I did do. Oh well, different opinions I guess.

People are so scared and they'd like privacy and the like. I almost want to say, who'd stalk you? But that's mean. Likewise, with the facebook photos. It's not like its a tagged picture. I don't get it, but sure.

I guess I'm just not as important that privacy is such a huge concern for me.