Don't Stop Believin'

Just discovered light jazz by Journey. If you haven't heard of it, I wouldn't be surprised since it is quite old. However, I find it soothing and relaxing. Don't Stop Believin' is one of the songs I'm listening to quite a few times because it has a nice melody and cute lyrics. Hopefully this will last me awhile. I normally can't listen to the same song after I get used to it. I haven't listen to many of my Japanese songs or my other English songs either. I seem to grow bored of it.

Why do I like this song so much? It suggests just the title: Don't Stop Believin'. As we grow up, it's not surprising that we lose our dreams. It's almost impossible to keep all of your dreams as you grow up. Reality slaps you in the face: hard. All you can do is grin and bear it.

Seriously, I was wondering what my life would be like up to this point. Do I like the result? I can't possibly just say "yes", because I do not. Is it anything like I imagine? No, I can not say I imagined anything like this. Like I've said so many times before, I don't think I grew at all after entering university. It's like my time has stopped for three years already. It has not progressed.

Likewise, my relationships with other people have not changed. It has not changed for better or for worse. I have the same type of friends I had in high school. I have not explored anything new that I like or enjoy to the point that I would devote myself to it. I wonder what that means. Does it mean that I need to learn to focus? Should I waste more time to explore options?

Heh. A girlfriend? Don't make me laugh. Hahaha. I still remember the fact that my parents keep asking me if I had a girlfriend yet. A girlfriend? Personally, I don't think I have the personal responsibility and maturity to maintain such a relationship...not at the university level anyways. Hahaha. Kinda making it sound like a skill or some type of experience. It is what it is, an experience. I've never had that type of communion or relationship in high school, so I must ask how will I delve into this relationship business? I don't think I can do it easily.

Let's relate the whole story of Sharalyn. I guess laughing is a defense mechanism for me. Sharalyn was a girl I befriended during monte carlo night. We began to talk and I even introduced her to some of my friends (althought they were there that night too, so I don't think I did much on that part). We hung out together quite a bit. However, as time went on, I began to delve into myself and lock myself in my dorm room. I don't know what to say to her since we hardly had anything in common. At one point, Avery, Mei, Sharalyn, I and some other people went out...for what I don't remember. At this time, she asked me if I wanted to go to dancing lessons with her. I was so scared that I just outright refused. I said I was busy or some other lame excuse. I had so little experience with people that I could not have possibly have said yes. Avery called me an idiot that day. I probably wouldn't have disagreed. After that point on, we talked less and less. She was rooming with some of my friends a couple of terms ago, and I heard she got a boyfriend, but that was the last time I've heard of her.

Personally, I don't know what I'll do. I am interested shallowly in a whole variety of topics, but nothing really deeply except possibly gaming. Even I find talking about games to be useless. It's a fun time wasting activity, but you gain nothing from it. Nevertheless, I find myself in front of the computer more often than not. I must say it is certainly easier to just stare at the front of a monitor than talk to people. After all, the screen is a buffer from real human interaction. I don't know what to do though, with a girl. I'm too scared of rejection to actually take risks. Perhaps that's what makes myself pitiful in my eyes. I mean, its damn difficult to take cues from girls. And its hard to actually make them interested. "Hitch" made it look easy. Real life is not like Hitch. There's a whole world out there that defies any simple explanation. For every question out there, there's one answer that's neat, simple, and wrong.

Oh, did I tell you the most distressing part? I have no clue about physical touching. What's appropiate, what's not? And that I have read (yes, read. Psychology is a very very interesting field. If I wasn't in Engineering, I probably would have went into psych) that the sense of touch is perhaps the most memorable sense, next to pheromones. I'm even scared of touching other people to the point I can not honest give someone a hug except my own family. Heh, I remember one time in grade 11 (or was it 12) that I told a female friend that "I needed my personal space" when I believe, she wanted to give me a hug. In retrospect, it was hilarious and remains a inside joke between us.

Hopefully, writing this will be a catalyst for me to face my fears and get on with my life. If nothing else, this certainly help me write and relieve some of my burdens.

There's a lot more to write. Let's see: my shallowness at the physical appearance of a girl( however, this may be because I've never met a girl I was intellectually attracted to), my appalling lack of fashion sense, the belief of the soulmate/dream girl, my inane attitude that forces me to argue that I'm always right (I can see this one causing problems =P), my "feelings" and sentimentality, my status as a romantic, my over the top exaggerations, my apathy towards certain aspects of life, my disorderliness, my "morbid" sense of humor, and I think that's it...maybe there's more, but I can't think of it right now. Any girl out there want a "work in progress" or a fixer-upper, just contact me. The rest of those traits are stories for another day though.

Till next time, my darling Valkyrie.