It could be fate

It has not been a good past few weeks. I wonder what my place is. Identity crisis and all that.

Some things that occur long time ago have effects that will cause problems with your sense of identity. Unfortunately, you never know when things go wrong and you think of the things that you have done to deserve the lumps, or not deserve it.

Here's the thing. I'm starting to get annoyed. I've been in my fourth year at university. I've done nothing that I really want to do. I haven't really accomplished anything. Nothing really new or pivotal or critical knowledge have been learned. In hindsight, there are many things that I should have done or accomplished. There are things there should not have been said or done.

I feel like a loser. Like someone that won't go very far in life. Sure, I might end up in a middling state, but that's boring. I've never been in the States for a co-op job. I've never done anything in university that is critical or anything interesting. Never taken any contests. Never proven my worth, just coasting by. I lack the discipline to take anything all the way. I wonder why that is. Actually, I felt like I've gotten dumber. More fixed and rigid without the benefit of increased knowledge. I've lost my innovation and creativity and I wonder how I can achieve it back.

Sigh. So emo. Sometimes I wish I could take these 4 years back and redo it. I don't know what to do after university. Sigh.