Okay. I admit it. I'm lazy.

Okay. I admit it. I'm lazy.

I haven't really updated this as much as I should. I apoligize to you readers, but this is a result of my lack of motivation as well as a lack of anything interesting happening in my life right now. I passed 4A, which is good, with marks that aren't too shoddy, although I think I might have been able to do better if I didn't procrastinate as much. But such is the way of life.

This past week was dedicated to WoW. I got the game on the 12th and have been close to playing non-stop. This amounts to 8 days and I'm level 36. This is a phenomenal rate and thus this tells you how much time I have dedicated to this. It's just that most of my HS friends are working and the rest of my friends are either not in town or doing something else (like a trip to NY. There is a reason I didn't go on this trip though.)

In 2 weeks time, I'll be in Ottawa. I dedicate the first 2 weekends to be on an Ottawa tourist trip. Hopefully, there would be people I can waste time with there. Timmy is working in Ottawa, so we can probably hang, although I must admit, we aren't really close. We'll see what is happening in Ottawa in 2 weeks time. I'll try to blog as much as I can there and cut WoW time.

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I think I'm at the point of my life where I really don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I look around. Some people are working, not in jobs they like, but at least jobs they are content in. They spend time as they like and seem to be enjoying life to an extent. Some people got accepted into grad school and seem to revel in the academic challenges there. They seem to have selected their path and are sticking by it.

Me. I have always relied on gifts to "succeed". I'm whining about nothing I know, and I hate myself for it. I'm whining about whining. It's a neverending cycle. But the fact is, I really don't know what I should do. I haven't sacrificed anything for choosing what I want to do. I haven't sacrificed willingly anything to pass exams, tests, etc. I always just squeak by. I kind of feel undeserving of it and I kind of wish I failed so that I can learn a lesson. And yet, I pass by, which kind of makes me unfulfilled. The only time that I felt even closed to failing was our FYDP. And it felt like such a success rush when we finally got it working.

I guess I never persued improving my natural gifts such as my ultra metabolism (apparently linked to a lot of things, such as my eating and non gaining weight as well as my resistance to disease) and my structural models (what I used to think, how I think, etc). I never really studied math even though I showed aptitude in it. I just never found any interest in it. I found out in high school that no matter how good you may think you are, there are people better than you. And with that I gave up and set out to try to understand other stuff, like literature and social sciences. I tried to be a jack of all trades. But you know what, those types of people are so varied that not many people know how to use them and their skills are varied. I think those types of people are best suited for management, to dabble in a little bit of everything, but in order to get there, you have to be specialized first, which kinds of makes me ill. I hate being too specialized in any one thing. It makes you seem more like a machine because a machine is a part designed to do one thing usually.

But now, I'm kind of sick of who I am. I'm unfocused. I have limitless potential still, but at the same time, one can say I have wasted potential because limitless potential imply potential not used. I really don't know what I can do to change it. What do I want to do in life? Heh. Maybe if I was born in the future, I would be able to do what I dreamed of...explore new galaxies and stars. Or explore the limitless potential of dreams and of the changing nature of my dreamworld. I mean, the only thing that could even come close to either of those dreams right now is to be a writer. I've tried that, but I hit roadblocks often and I often lack motivation after writing a page. It's hard to make progress.

I guess that makes the whole GF business a rite of passage. It's like my desire for it is a force to force me to grow. Not that I don't want a GF for any other reason, but that reason behind my psychology is probably a major driving force right now. Do I care for anything physical? Maybe, maybe not. I have to admit that isn't really that high up there for me. I still have that phobia of being touched. Sangwoo (woohoo, you get another mention) said that a relationship (of a couple) only counts if it has physical as well as emotional bonds. Otherwise that is just friendship. I don't know if I agree with that statement. But anyways, I think this whole GF and my desire for one is a result of my desire to force myself to evolve. This is unfair to the girl and thus I have stopped looking for a GF at all. Come what may fate. I leave myself to your 6 hands.

So really, I don't have a goal in mind. When people asked me what I wanted to do after graduation, I really don't know. I don't even know if I wanted to stay in Toronto after I graduate for a job. Or do I want to work endlessly like people at Microsoft? What is it that I want out of life? Work may shorten my thinking time so that I can't become this emo, but it just may bury these thoughts under the burden of work. I don't know. Should I just leave myself to fate? That sounds too fatalistic for me. But I really don't know what to do.

I'm reading Kare Kano right now, and I kinda feel sad. I can relate to both of the main characters. I kind of feel like that I could have been like either Yukino or Arima with my gifts, but I squandered them early in life and now I really don't have anything. Nothing transferable at least. I understand that video games may not be transferable to the real world, but it is an excellent distractor of time. I don't know what I really want to learn. Or do. Some people enjoy social interaction. I don't mind it, but the topics sometimes are not to my taste. They watch shows that I have no interest in and stuff like Fear Factor makes me shake my head. I wonder what it is that interest other people doesn't interest me and vice versa. It's a mystery I guess.

What I do want to be able to do though, is to create something similar to the social scientists of Foundation. Something that would allow me to predict other people's action and to influence to such an extent that I could plan out exactly what they would react and become. But knowing that our technology and mathematical models are not as advanced as those in Foundation, I doubt we'll be able to do what Asimov did in his novel.

If you're a girl and actually understood all of the references in this post, I applaud. WoW, Kare Kano, Foundation. It's like a geekfest spanning Gaming, Anime/Manga, and SciFi/Fantasy.

Well, enough whining. I'll read some more KareKano before I sleep. A good night to all, and to all a good night.

P.S. Unfortunately, I deleted my previous post accidentally. Sigh