Time flows by.

This is going to be emo in many ways. And a long one. But I guess that's the product from thinking a lot.

I've been having a lot of dreams lately. Each one of them seems to be preocupied with a theme or a topic in my life that seems unresolved. Life goals, a suitable mate, friends in the long run, achievement vs. happiness. All of these themes were in some ways covered. Some of the dreams I've posted here. Some of them I haven't, mainly because I didn't write them all them in time. Rarely has such a bevy of dreams come to me in succession. The strange thing is that all of these dreams have an intermission. I always seem to wake up around 2 and then fall back asleep. Weird.

In each of these dreams, I seem to try for happiness if there is a girl to share my life with. I try for achievement if there isn't a girl or there is only a slim chance she'd accept me. Either way, I feel satisfied with my life. Yet, why don't I feel satisfied with my life now? Is it because I'm incomplete in some way?

The problem always comes down to the question of life. Why are we here? Will anyone remember us when we're gone? Would we want to be remembered as a model, a paragon of some ideal, or would we like to be remembered as a person. Some people last onto eternity as genetic material in their offspring. Others achieve greatness by doing 'great' things. Which path should or could I choose? What is it with this incessant need for rememberance?

Would I sacrifice myself for other people's happiness? Definately, if I cared about that person at all. I'm still searching for that person that I would sacrifice anything for. In my dreams, I would dive in, headfirst, without thinking of the consequences if she was in trouble. Yet, I can't have that sort of recklessness in real life. I have always played the safe side because it's really the only way I know how. I wonder what I should do in order to make myself have a balance of both?

Would I ever find that person? I hope so, but life doesn't work that way. So probably not. I've had an easy life so far. More like a life of convenience, where anything trivial always goes my way. Anything non-trivial inevitably strikes out for me. Sad mopy face. I guess. I really don't know how to be sad. Or maybe I'm usually sad enough that its really my normal expression. I think I have learned to live in constant disappointment. But you know what, maybe it really is just that I can't appreciate the things that I have. Probably. That's probably true.

But I don't think I can give up. Until I have met that person, I don't think I could commit to anything. I have no plans so far after graduation. No plans so far about jobs. People are already looking at jobmine and checking on the status of what they plan to do after graduation. People like Darren, have strong family ties and basically revolve their lives around family. And then there are people like Terrence who revolve their lives around their friends. I don't think I have such a focus.

I'm so indecisive about stuff that doesn't really matter. But I'm stubborn to a fault when little things don't really go my way. And yet, when you're looking for that person out there, it's mostly the little things that is the most important. Would I want a bossy girl or someone indecisive so we can be indecisive together? I think I know the personality of my ideal girl, but you know what, you never know unless you've experienced it, and you never appreciate it until its gone. So right now, my opinions don't count for jack and this entire analysis is flawed in some way.

I guess I'm not the first one to have an existantialist crisis; it would be arrogant of me to think so. But I haven't met anyone that is facing the same problem I am. I guess another cause of this is my lack of identity. Do I really know who I am? Not really. One of the biggest problems is my lack of cultural directive. Am I Chinese? A bit, but most of my cultural upbringing isn't. I can hardly speak Cantonese fluently, much less read and write. Am I Canadian/American? A bit, but most of my friends are Chinese and I hardly enjoy the same things that most Canadians do. Am I a gamer? Not particularly. I spend a lot of time on games, but only on particular games that have interaction with other people. I have a whole bunch of who I'm not. But I don't really have something that I am. I'm more like a hybrid. I hate Tolkien, that rules me out as a fantasy/sci-fi fanboy, but I read mostly fantasy/sci-fi. I like psychology and how we relate to stuff, yet I'm in engineering. A whole bunch of contradiction that doesn't really resolve itself. I think I need an identity because I can do anything about the girl business. Or is the girl business an offshoot of this identity problem and that as long as I have someone by my side with me, I would know who I am? That may be it too.

So what is it I desire most in this world? Probably identity and a companion. Money and riches would help, certainly doesn't hurt in most cases. But I don't think I'd be the type of person who makes money his goal. Information maybe, but not money.

There's probably more that I can write about. Like the incoming loneliness and dark void that is the years after graduation. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself afterwards? I don't know. Hopefully I'll figure it out. But to tell you the truth, in these past few years in University, I haven't changed much and I haven't grown. My lack of emotional and mental growth is troubling. Sigh. I probably have more problems, but who wants to hear about those. I write this stuff to get it out of my head and festering anyways. For that, this is an excellent method of therapy.

Oh well. Life comes, and flows, and can not be diverted. All we can hope for is that we flow into a friendly tribe instead of a cannibalistic one. Till the next time I see you in my dreams, oh dear Valkyrie.