Maybe later.
I do go out. And besides. 39 isn't that hard if you don't die.
and besides...is working at IESO a life? I mean, all that wasted time travelling.
What in life is worth having?
Oh well. Dinner with friend, her friends, her sister and her sister's friends. Hi Lisha!
Meh...I need a haircut.
A good night to all and to all a good night.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Monday, August 21, 2006
Okay. I admit it. I'm lazy.
Okay. I admit it. I'm lazy.
I haven't really updated this as much as I should. I apoligize to you readers, but this is a result of my lack of motivation as well as a lack of anything interesting happening in my life right now. I passed 4A, which is good, with marks that aren't too shoddy, although I think I might have been able to do better if I didn't procrastinate as much. But such is the way of life.
This past week was dedicated to WoW. I got the game on the 12th and have been close to playing non-stop. This amounts to 8 days and I'm level 36. This is a phenomenal rate and thus this tells you how much time I have dedicated to this. It's just that most of my HS friends are working and the rest of my friends are either not in town or doing something else (like a trip to NY. There is a reason I didn't go on this trip though.)
In 2 weeks time, I'll be in Ottawa. I dedicate the first 2 weekends to be on an Ottawa tourist trip. Hopefully, there would be people I can waste time with there. Timmy is working in Ottawa, so we can probably hang, although I must admit, we aren't really close. We'll see what is happening in Ottawa in 2 weeks time. I'll try to blog as much as I can there and cut WoW time.
===================================================================
I think I'm at the point of my life where I really don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I look around. Some people are working, not in jobs they like, but at least jobs they are content in. They spend time as they like and seem to be enjoying life to an extent. Some people got accepted into grad school and seem to revel in the academic challenges there. They seem to have selected their path and are sticking by it.
Me. I have always relied on gifts to "succeed". I'm whining about nothing I know, and I hate myself for it. I'm whining about whining. It's a neverending cycle. But the fact is, I really don't know what I should do. I haven't sacrificed anything for choosing what I want to do. I haven't sacrificed willingly anything to pass exams, tests, etc. I always just squeak by. I kind of feel undeserving of it and I kind of wish I failed so that I can learn a lesson. And yet, I pass by, which kind of makes me unfulfilled. The only time that I felt even closed to failing was our FYDP. And it felt like such a success rush when we finally got it working.
I guess I never persued improving my natural gifts such as my ultra metabolism (apparently linked to a lot of things, such as my eating and non gaining weight as well as my resistance to disease) and my structural models (what I used to think, how I think, etc). I never really studied math even though I showed aptitude in it. I just never found any interest in it. I found out in high school that no matter how good you may think you are, there are people better than you. And with that I gave up and set out to try to understand other stuff, like literature and social sciences. I tried to be a jack of all trades. But you know what, those types of people are so varied that not many people know how to use them and their skills are varied. I think those types of people are best suited for management, to dabble in a little bit of everything, but in order to get there, you have to be specialized first, which kinds of makes me ill. I hate being too specialized in any one thing. It makes you seem more like a machine because a machine is a part designed to do one thing usually.
But now, I'm kind of sick of who I am. I'm unfocused. I have limitless potential still, but at the same time, one can say I have wasted potential because limitless potential imply potential not used. I really don't know what I can do to change it. What do I want to do in life? Heh. Maybe if I was born in the future, I would be able to do what I dreamed of...explore new galaxies and stars. Or explore the limitless potential of dreams and of the changing nature of my dreamworld. I mean, the only thing that could even come close to either of those dreams right now is to be a writer. I've tried that, but I hit roadblocks often and I often lack motivation after writing a page. It's hard to make progress.
I guess that makes the whole GF business a rite of passage. It's like my desire for it is a force to force me to grow. Not that I don't want a GF for any other reason, but that reason behind my psychology is probably a major driving force right now. Do I care for anything physical? Maybe, maybe not. I have to admit that isn't really that high up there for me. I still have that phobia of being touched. Sangwoo (woohoo, you get another mention) said that a relationship (of a couple) only counts if it has physical as well as emotional bonds. Otherwise that is just friendship. I don't know if I agree with that statement. But anyways, I think this whole GF and my desire for one is a result of my desire to force myself to evolve. This is unfair to the girl and thus I have stopped looking for a GF at all. Come what may fate. I leave myself to your 6 hands.
So really, I don't have a goal in mind. When people asked me what I wanted to do after graduation, I really don't know. I don't even know if I wanted to stay in Toronto after I graduate for a job. Or do I want to work endlessly like people at Microsoft? What is it that I want out of life? Work may shorten my thinking time so that I can't become this emo, but it just may bury these thoughts under the burden of work. I don't know. Should I just leave myself to fate? That sounds too fatalistic for me. But I really don't know what to do.
I'm reading Kare Kano right now, and I kinda feel sad. I can relate to both of the main characters. I kind of feel like that I could have been like either Yukino or Arima with my gifts, but I squandered them early in life and now I really don't have anything. Nothing transferable at least. I understand that video games may not be transferable to the real world, but it is an excellent distractor of time. I don't know what I really want to learn. Or do. Some people enjoy social interaction. I don't mind it, but the topics sometimes are not to my taste. They watch shows that I have no interest in and stuff like Fear Factor makes me shake my head. I wonder what it is that interest other people doesn't interest me and vice versa. It's a mystery I guess.
What I do want to be able to do though, is to create something similar to the social scientists of Foundation. Something that would allow me to predict other people's action and to influence to such an extent that I could plan out exactly what they would react and become. But knowing that our technology and mathematical models are not as advanced as those in Foundation, I doubt we'll be able to do what Asimov did in his novel.
If you're a girl and actually understood all of the references in this post, I applaud. WoW, Kare Kano, Foundation. It's like a geekfest spanning Gaming, Anime/Manga, and SciFi/Fantasy.
Well, enough whining. I'll read some more KareKano before I sleep. A good night to all, and to all a good night.
P.S. Unfortunately, I deleted my previous post accidentally. Sigh
I haven't really updated this as much as I should. I apoligize to you readers, but this is a result of my lack of motivation as well as a lack of anything interesting happening in my life right now. I passed 4A, which is good, with marks that aren't too shoddy, although I think I might have been able to do better if I didn't procrastinate as much. But such is the way of life.
This past week was dedicated to WoW. I got the game on the 12th and have been close to playing non-stop. This amounts to 8 days and I'm level 36. This is a phenomenal rate and thus this tells you how much time I have dedicated to this. It's just that most of my HS friends are working and the rest of my friends are either not in town or doing something else (like a trip to NY. There is a reason I didn't go on this trip though.)
In 2 weeks time, I'll be in Ottawa. I dedicate the first 2 weekends to be on an Ottawa tourist trip. Hopefully, there would be people I can waste time with there. Timmy is working in Ottawa, so we can probably hang, although I must admit, we aren't really close. We'll see what is happening in Ottawa in 2 weeks time. I'll try to blog as much as I can there and cut WoW time.
===================================================================
I think I'm at the point of my life where I really don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I look around. Some people are working, not in jobs they like, but at least jobs they are content in. They spend time as they like and seem to be enjoying life to an extent. Some people got accepted into grad school and seem to revel in the academic challenges there. They seem to have selected their path and are sticking by it.
Me. I have always relied on gifts to "succeed". I'm whining about nothing I know, and I hate myself for it. I'm whining about whining. It's a neverending cycle. But the fact is, I really don't know what I should do. I haven't sacrificed anything for choosing what I want to do. I haven't sacrificed willingly anything to pass exams, tests, etc. I always just squeak by. I kind of feel undeserving of it and I kind of wish I failed so that I can learn a lesson. And yet, I pass by, which kind of makes me unfulfilled. The only time that I felt even closed to failing was our FYDP. And it felt like such a success rush when we finally got it working.
I guess I never persued improving my natural gifts such as my ultra metabolism (apparently linked to a lot of things, such as my eating and non gaining weight as well as my resistance to disease) and my structural models (what I used to think, how I think, etc). I never really studied math even though I showed aptitude in it. I just never found any interest in it. I found out in high school that no matter how good you may think you are, there are people better than you. And with that I gave up and set out to try to understand other stuff, like literature and social sciences. I tried to be a jack of all trades. But you know what, those types of people are so varied that not many people know how to use them and their skills are varied. I think those types of people are best suited for management, to dabble in a little bit of everything, but in order to get there, you have to be specialized first, which kinds of makes me ill. I hate being too specialized in any one thing. It makes you seem more like a machine because a machine is a part designed to do one thing usually.
But now, I'm kind of sick of who I am. I'm unfocused. I have limitless potential still, but at the same time, one can say I have wasted potential because limitless potential imply potential not used. I really don't know what I can do to change it. What do I want to do in life? Heh. Maybe if I was born in the future, I would be able to do what I dreamed of...explore new galaxies and stars. Or explore the limitless potential of dreams and of the changing nature of my dreamworld. I mean, the only thing that could even come close to either of those dreams right now is to be a writer. I've tried that, but I hit roadblocks often and I often lack motivation after writing a page. It's hard to make progress.
I guess that makes the whole GF business a rite of passage. It's like my desire for it is a force to force me to grow. Not that I don't want a GF for any other reason, but that reason behind my psychology is probably a major driving force right now. Do I care for anything physical? Maybe, maybe not. I have to admit that isn't really that high up there for me. I still have that phobia of being touched. Sangwoo (woohoo, you get another mention) said that a relationship (of a couple) only counts if it has physical as well as emotional bonds. Otherwise that is just friendship. I don't know if I agree with that statement. But anyways, I think this whole GF and my desire for one is a result of my desire to force myself to evolve. This is unfair to the girl and thus I have stopped looking for a GF at all. Come what may fate. I leave myself to your 6 hands.
So really, I don't have a goal in mind. When people asked me what I wanted to do after graduation, I really don't know. I don't even know if I wanted to stay in Toronto after I graduate for a job. Or do I want to work endlessly like people at Microsoft? What is it that I want out of life? Work may shorten my thinking time so that I can't become this emo, but it just may bury these thoughts under the burden of work. I don't know. Should I just leave myself to fate? That sounds too fatalistic for me. But I really don't know what to do.
I'm reading Kare Kano right now, and I kinda feel sad. I can relate to both of the main characters. I kind of feel like that I could have been like either Yukino or Arima with my gifts, but I squandered them early in life and now I really don't have anything. Nothing transferable at least. I understand that video games may not be transferable to the real world, but it is an excellent distractor of time. I don't know what I really want to learn. Or do. Some people enjoy social interaction. I don't mind it, but the topics sometimes are not to my taste. They watch shows that I have no interest in and stuff like Fear Factor makes me shake my head. I wonder what it is that interest other people doesn't interest me and vice versa. It's a mystery I guess.
What I do want to be able to do though, is to create something similar to the social scientists of Foundation. Something that would allow me to predict other people's action and to influence to such an extent that I could plan out exactly what they would react and become. But knowing that our technology and mathematical models are not as advanced as those in Foundation, I doubt we'll be able to do what Asimov did in his novel.
If you're a girl and actually understood all of the references in this post, I applaud. WoW, Kare Kano, Foundation. It's like a geekfest spanning Gaming, Anime/Manga, and SciFi/Fantasy.
Well, enough whining. I'll read some more KareKano before I sleep. A good night to all, and to all a good night.
P.S. Unfortunately, I deleted my previous post accidentally. Sigh
Monday, August 07, 2006
I guess its time I write a real entry
Props to Sangwoo for actually reading a blog. Too bad he's too shy to actually write a comment.
Anyways. I haven't wrote about the TV show that I find to be really good. A named pick by TV guide (editor's choice, no less), is the new show "How I met your mother". Talks about a guy named Ted and basically his life through bachelorhood. It has a 'Friends' feel to it, but more concerned about looking for love than the everyday wacky adventure of Friends. I guess I like it because I can sort of relate. "I love the couple stuff that couples do together, but in order to get there, I have to do the single stuff in order to find her." Of course, from an observor's point of view, Ted is an idiot some of the times. But he is still fun to watch. Can't wait till next season.
The best thing about this show would have to be the one liners from it. "Don't give up hope, Ted. There are new women turning 18 every day." "The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old."
Funny lines eh? That could be why I finished the series in 2 days. Before exams. Now, I'm stuck with no funny show and lack of motivation to study. This is probably bad.
Yup. Anyways. Still no job. Oh well. What can you do.
Till next time, I'll see you in my dreams.
Anyways. I haven't wrote about the TV show that I find to be really good. A named pick by TV guide (editor's choice, no less), is the new show "How I met your mother". Talks about a guy named Ted and basically his life through bachelorhood. It has a 'Friends' feel to it, but more concerned about looking for love than the everyday wacky adventure of Friends. I guess I like it because I can sort of relate. "I love the couple stuff that couples do together, but in order to get there, I have to do the single stuff in order to find her." Of course, from an observor's point of view, Ted is an idiot some of the times. But he is still fun to watch. Can't wait till next season.
The best thing about this show would have to be the one liners from it. "Don't give up hope, Ted. There are new women turning 18 every day." "The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old."
Funny lines eh? That could be why I finished the series in 2 days. Before exams. Now, I'm stuck with no funny show and lack of motivation to study. This is probably bad.
Yup. Anyways. Still no job. Oh well. What can you do.
Till next time, I'll see you in my dreams.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Wow. It's almost been a whole week.
That was the funnest most crammiest week ever full of exams and what not. Very fun.
Anyways. 3 exams out of the way. Only 1 remaining. No job yet though. Oh well.
Anyways. 3 exams out of the way. Only 1 remaining. No job yet though. Oh well.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
3 days left! UGH!
Studying is progressing slowly. Too slowly for my taste. Sigh. I might fail....this is very bad.
Words that seemed to have popped into my mind. It would make a great quotation if I ever finish something great:
"It is only when we accomplish something great, that we realize our own mortality."
I think there is a second part to this quotation, but my muse hasn't blessed me with them yet.
And I also have to write my blurb for the yearbook too. Sigh.
Till we meet again, my Valkyrie.
Words that seemed to have popped into my mind. It would make a great quotation if I ever finish something great:
"It is only when we accomplish something great, that we realize our own mortality."
I think there is a second part to this quotation, but my muse hasn't blessed me with them yet.
And I also have to write my blurb for the yearbook too. Sigh.
Till we meet again, my Valkyrie.
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