In rememberance of past and future conflicts.

So today, I went to Roma's house for something for our FYDP. As I remembered correctly, there was nothing that she had that we needed and so I progressed to Rideau center to wait for Drew and his friend. We were planning to go to the war museum and afterwards go out to eat. We decided to meet at 2:30 at the octranspo office in Rideau center. I had planned to spend an hour or so at Roma's place at around 12:00. I had no idea it would be that close, and thus I went to Walmart and a small bookstore. Walmart...I actually saw that they were selling Gameboy. I was tempted to buy an advanced SP for 70 bucks. It was 20 bucks off, but the DS was already out and the advanced was outdated. So anyways, I didn't buy it. In the end I bought a book to occupy my time.

So anyways. Drew, Vincent and I went around the War Museum. It was a very interesting place. The history of all the wars that Canada has fought in. All the relics and weapons. It is interesting because of all the...blood of it all. The very ground that we stand in was drenched in blood at one time or another. And our ideals of freedom and justice are grounded by blood.
This picture expresses what I felt after it.

However, technology is always cool. This is a flamethrower car that throws flames up to 90 meters away.


Lan just told me that everything for FYDP is fine. Wee. We owe you Lan!

Anyways. This is an update post, not the heavy thinking stuff and this is what I leave you with. Lates =).

Watpub and other things.

So yesterday was friday and I went to the Watpub organized by the Watpub community in order to spur social gatherings. It was held at the Brig, which was in Byward Market. Very interesting in terms of the people that I met. It was a smattering of people. I kind of regret that I didn't work away from TO before this, until I was in my 4th year.

So anyways, there was Drew, a softeng, Richard, a CS, Steve, a Physics, Sandy, a Food/Agriculture Marketing, Telisha, a Act sci, Sally, a Chem eng, and Jenna, a math/stat. Pretty interesting crowd. You can tell Sandy is not from Waterloo. Waterloo doesn't have interesting courses like that. She's from UBC. Lots of talk was to be had and it was interesting.

Hopefully the whole problem with our FYDP will be resolved soon. Sigh. I'm sorry Lan!

Anyways, I've given up for the moment to record my dreams. They've become erratic of late and they're...semi-personal. In that the contents of them are weird to the point that I wonder about myself sometimes. And no, not the 'wet' dreams of adolescence, unless you count blood as wet. There was A LOT of killing. Scary stuff. And I still wake up in the middle of the night before I'm supposed to wake up.

Okay. I can't think of anything to write right now. So I'll dedicate this post to Lily and just post it. Till next time, sleep peacefully, my Valkyrie.

Knight Errant

I think I've always wanted to be a knight. I guess I wanted to play the hero. More than that, the loyalty and honor and prestige that came with it. Yet, I probably wouldn't want to be a prince or a king.

I've always dreamed about that girl that I could devote my life to. To serve, if you will, her for all her days, and have the love and loyalty that would be returned.

But do I know what I want? A man is supposedly given three opportunities in his life, and forty two paths to walk down. Which one is right?

A girl that's spontaneous, yet understands me. Knows that I'm stubborn in some things and probably very conservative as well (I don't know myself that well). Someone who would react to some of my crazy ideas with glee and pull me back down when I float too high up on the clouds of imagination. Finds indecisiveness over useless matters attractive. Always playing the devil's advocate.

Of course, it very well may be that the girl I want doesn't exist.

Who knows?

I think a lot on the bus ride home. The problem is once I get home, if I don't put all these words to paper, they sound cheap after 6 hours of playing WoW. Sigh.

Time flows by.

This is going to be emo in many ways. And a long one. But I guess that's the product from thinking a lot.

I've been having a lot of dreams lately. Each one of them seems to be preocupied with a theme or a topic in my life that seems unresolved. Life goals, a suitable mate, friends in the long run, achievement vs. happiness. All of these themes were in some ways covered. Some of the dreams I've posted here. Some of them I haven't, mainly because I didn't write them all them in time. Rarely has such a bevy of dreams come to me in succession. The strange thing is that all of these dreams have an intermission. I always seem to wake up around 2 and then fall back asleep. Weird.

In each of these dreams, I seem to try for happiness if there is a girl to share my life with. I try for achievement if there isn't a girl or there is only a slim chance she'd accept me. Either way, I feel satisfied with my life. Yet, why don't I feel satisfied with my life now? Is it because I'm incomplete in some way?

The problem always comes down to the question of life. Why are we here? Will anyone remember us when we're gone? Would we want to be remembered as a model, a paragon of some ideal, or would we like to be remembered as a person. Some people last onto eternity as genetic material in their offspring. Others achieve greatness by doing 'great' things. Which path should or could I choose? What is it with this incessant need for rememberance?

Would I sacrifice myself for other people's happiness? Definately, if I cared about that person at all. I'm still searching for that person that I would sacrifice anything for. In my dreams, I would dive in, headfirst, without thinking of the consequences if she was in trouble. Yet, I can't have that sort of recklessness in real life. I have always played the safe side because it's really the only way I know how. I wonder what I should do in order to make myself have a balance of both?

Would I ever find that person? I hope so, but life doesn't work that way. So probably not. I've had an easy life so far. More like a life of convenience, where anything trivial always goes my way. Anything non-trivial inevitably strikes out for me. Sad mopy face. I guess. I really don't know how to be sad. Or maybe I'm usually sad enough that its really my normal expression. I think I have learned to live in constant disappointment. But you know what, maybe it really is just that I can't appreciate the things that I have. Probably. That's probably true.

But I don't think I can give up. Until I have met that person, I don't think I could commit to anything. I have no plans so far after graduation. No plans so far about jobs. People are already looking at jobmine and checking on the status of what they plan to do after graduation. People like Darren, have strong family ties and basically revolve their lives around family. And then there are people like Terrence who revolve their lives around their friends. I don't think I have such a focus.

I'm so indecisive about stuff that doesn't really matter. But I'm stubborn to a fault when little things don't really go my way. And yet, when you're looking for that person out there, it's mostly the little things that is the most important. Would I want a bossy girl or someone indecisive so we can be indecisive together? I think I know the personality of my ideal girl, but you know what, you never know unless you've experienced it, and you never appreciate it until its gone. So right now, my opinions don't count for jack and this entire analysis is flawed in some way.

I guess I'm not the first one to have an existantialist crisis; it would be arrogant of me to think so. But I haven't met anyone that is facing the same problem I am. I guess another cause of this is my lack of identity. Do I really know who I am? Not really. One of the biggest problems is my lack of cultural directive. Am I Chinese? A bit, but most of my cultural upbringing isn't. I can hardly speak Cantonese fluently, much less read and write. Am I Canadian/American? A bit, but most of my friends are Chinese and I hardly enjoy the same things that most Canadians do. Am I a gamer? Not particularly. I spend a lot of time on games, but only on particular games that have interaction with other people. I have a whole bunch of who I'm not. But I don't really have something that I am. I'm more like a hybrid. I hate Tolkien, that rules me out as a fantasy/sci-fi fanboy, but I read mostly fantasy/sci-fi. I like psychology and how we relate to stuff, yet I'm in engineering. A whole bunch of contradiction that doesn't really resolve itself. I think I need an identity because I can do anything about the girl business. Or is the girl business an offshoot of this identity problem and that as long as I have someone by my side with me, I would know who I am? That may be it too.

So what is it I desire most in this world? Probably identity and a companion. Money and riches would help, certainly doesn't hurt in most cases. But I don't think I'd be the type of person who makes money his goal. Information maybe, but not money.

There's probably more that I can write about. Like the incoming loneliness and dark void that is the years after graduation. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself afterwards? I don't know. Hopefully I'll figure it out. But to tell you the truth, in these past few years in University, I haven't changed much and I haven't grown. My lack of emotional and mental growth is troubling. Sigh. I probably have more problems, but who wants to hear about those. I write this stuff to get it out of my head and festering anyways. For that, this is an excellent method of therapy.

Oh well. Life comes, and flows, and can not be diverted. All we can hope for is that we flow into a friendly tribe instead of a cannibalistic one. Till the next time I see you in my dreams, oh dear Valkyrie.

I apoligize for the lack of updates.

Well..just been tired. I'll burden you with my thoughts later. And I've been doing quite a bit of thinking nowadays.

Till I see you in my dreams, my dear Valkyrie.