And then there was...hey it's still there!

Sometimes you realize that you were not the same person you were a year ago. A year ago you were still pretty introverted and refusing to talk to people that you did not know. You were intimidated by new people, especially good looking girls. The awkwardness showed and no matter how rational the argument was, like you'll never see them again, didn't seem to work. After being afraid for so long, it is a wonder that you haven't snapped yet from the fear.

Then you realize something: They're more scared of you then you are of them.

I've always been a bit of an enigma. Extremely "nerdish" and yet competative as hell. I swear a lot (which is a habit I should try to kick). I drink (not to excess but at least I drink, mostly dark stuff. Bitterness is good). I would try to go out to most things I've been invited to.

People have 3 modes. They're either like, hate, or are apathetic about you. Most of the time, people are apathetic about you regardless of what you do because you only meet them once and that's it. You can do all sorts of crazy shit and they really can't call you out on it.

And with that attitude, I realize that I can now begin to talk to random people with almost no problem. After all, there's a very good chance I'll never meet them again. And besides, most people won't be scared of just a simple conversation. The hard part is to steer conversation to the topics you want to talk about though.

With that attitude, I realize a lot of things after talking to people. 1) People are idiots. It's true. Regardless of how smart you are in one subject, they're absolute idiots in others. I am knowledgable in many subjects, but get me on the topic of popular music, fashion or sports, and I'm relatively clueless. Talk about computer hardware, and I'm suddenly a guru. But what this means is that you can ask a relatively large amount of insightful questions before being termed an idiot. With this attitude, it means that a person can still not look like a fool even if they don't know the subject. Actually, it's probably expected that you don't know about every subject and it provides a point of conversation.

As well, I'm no longer really intimidated by pretty specimens of the opposite gender of the same species. This is probably because I also realized from the previous point that they're just people after all. They're idiots as well. All you have to do is realize that no matter what, girls are people too and you can treat them like people. Heh. It may sound stupid to you, readers, but to me this is a revelation. I don't know why I was even scared of them in the beginning. I have all sorts of theories, but I can't concretely prove it one way or another.

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Went to laserquest on Friday with Flora. It was a sort of AHS gettogether event. Seven bucks for 2 games was a very good deal. On the way there, I got introduce to a few of her friends. Damn, if I knew there was this many girls in AHS, I might have taken it regardless of the fact that I hate kin. But most of the really good looking ones were actually girlfriends of people from AHS. Damn fine. Anyways, it was fun. Didn't come first. Was in the middle of the pack for the two games. Then went out to eat with Flora. She was telling me about what people were saying about the Halloween party at Kent's and how everyone was surprised that I would be talking to the two girls (the ones that Kent invited. Read previous posts). I don't know why people would be surprised until I really look at myself a year ago. I guess this revelation happened sometime like 2 terms ago.
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So in the end, what the hell's wrong then? The fact is that although I can talk to them, I still feel that I am still a bit too immature for any relationships. Perhaps I'm being a bit too cautious, but I don't feel like I'm ready. In order to have a relationship, a person has to learn to trust and I have long since been past trusting anyone that I haven't known for a long time. This then evolves into the chicken and the egg dilenma.

Today, when Flora, Mei, Jason and I went out for wings today, we were discussing my current problem. You see, my company has an annual Christmas party and it is for myself and a guest. Should I invite anyone? I don't have anyone I really trust to invite. Nor do I really want to go alone and look like a 'loser'. Mei suggested girl A, who I knew relatively well as a friend, but I can see us no more beyond that. I had actually thought of girl B, but I didn't know her as well, and although I'd like to, I have to admit I was still a bit intimidated.

I had, for the past month, come from serious introspection that I don't really want a relationship right now, just to be 'cautious'. It is hard, especially for a person that has never 'failed' at anything before to just jump in. This I guess, is from the thinking that would I really want a relationship with this girl for athe long term? The answer is that I have no one in mind that I have such a trustworthy connection with at the moment. Heh, it kind of sounds like I'd like to be friends first before becoming a couple, yet I see no friends that I can see this really happening with. With girl A, there is nothing to talk about but academics between us. With girl B, there is more to talk about, but she is more heavily guarded emotionally and the fact that I don't know how to 'impress' her doesn't help. For a guy, I like to have plans, no matter how inadequate they are. And yet, no plan of mine can work because of my overthinking and cautious nature.

Jason, on the way home, even asked me why not girl A or girl B. For the reasons listed above, I an't see myself having such a great connection with A, and with B, I'm either getting mixed signals or I don't know how to interpret them. I'd like to see her a few more times to make sure, but that's rare enough as it is. At home, Edwin even messaged me with the message "try to flirt with everyone then u can get a date". I'm not that desperate Edwin. And besides, there is meaning to asking a girl to a Christmas party. It is hard to "just" ask a friend to go when the boundaries of friendship and something more is not clearly defined. Which is the case with these 2 girls. I guess it's not the rejection that I may receive but rather the ambiguity in the relationship I have with them.

And so here we are, in the realm of friendship. And guess what? That tiny sense of insecurity and hopelessness is still there. Albeit very small, but in this cold winter and the onset of darkness, the despair magnifies and its prescence can be felt. But it is still kept back by the fact that all people are idiots. Now if I can only convince my mind of that, I'd be set.
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P.S. Matt, I have no idea what screwed up. Sometimes, I just can't think of anything to write. That, or its too late at night when I do think of it.

Everyone, some new blog links are up. Blog of friends. Explore! =)