Drama vs Satire

If I write, I am unsure about which style I should write in. I enjoy both, but drama only if it does not apply to me. I might also be overdramatic, which is undesirable in a novel. As for satire, I sometimes find some things funny that other people don't. It may even be possible they may be offended by my humor.

In real life, I'm sarcastic in odd ways. Pessimistic about most things. I try to make my life as stress free as possible. I try to avoid stress by being apathetic about it. I also then complain about a lack of passion. I think my life is a compensation roller coaster where I seek comfort in the fact that not many things really affect me. This apparently is a damper on the whole girl thing.

I have thought for a while that you can classify people into different types for certain areas of their personality. While there are introverts and extroverts, there are those types which further redefine each of their expected responses to certain stimuli. I have always thought of myself as an observer. I don't know if that's good in life or not, but it probably isn't very good for the whole girl issue. So I have tried to change that. Especially in Ottawa. But now that I'm back at my regular haunt, it is harder to change. Change takes time, which I don't really have at the moment.

The whole observer thing might also be why I tend to avoid getting involved in things. Right now, I don't think anything is seriously important. To me, the only thing I get annoyed with is boredom. That, and failure. Two biggest things that affect me the most. I cover failure up by not trying and boredom with games that stop me from thinking for a while (alcohol's other effects makes it undesirable as a reality control substance).

I also have realized that I do present different facades to people. Some people that have not talked to me much might mistaken my early discussions with them as optimism. And its true, especially when I talk to girls, I take on a more positive outlook. I guess this is something that reading, acquiring experience data from other people, have instilled me to do. After a while though, I just can't maintain that facade and people that understand me know that I have a darker outlook on life. Or more like an outlook that haven't really been formed yet.

I don't even know why I'm so pessimistic. I guess it was because I was raised with a lot of expectations when I was young and I failed most of them. I was a big bundle of potential that just failed to live up to it. Or maybe it got diverted to another direction. It used to be my direction was mathematics. But I found it boring after junior high school. Now I guess, I'm just trying to find out what my direction is. Do I have a lot of time doing it? I guess, if I want to waste the head start that I have taken for engineering.

Most people don't realize that Engineering is quite different from other professions in that specialization happens quite early, or otherwise it would be a decade before you do anything useful in the field you selected. No other profession requires the experience that you need before you accomplish something, besides perhaps medicine. Except medicine is a textbook subject. It involves memorization and very little testing (like anyone wants to risk their own body for medical experiements). On the other hand, with electronics, it takes years of experience before you can make any significant headway into designing anything.

Soft skills or not, it doesn't matter if you don't have the required technical experience. Yes, it is important about who you know, but this is a profession that requires what you know as well. If I head into a wrong specialization, there is no way I can be hired for something else. Not easily anyways. I'm teching up to a preception/pattern rec guy with undertones in telecommunications, but what the hell does that mean for the job I should take? I mean, this is a really weird combination of courses that really can't do much. Sure I'll like to make the first real AI in the world, or a fascimile of it, but would I want to spend my life doing it? Maybe, maybe not?

I guess it comes down to the fact that I want to know what is going to happen in my life now. I can't wait a couple of decades and then realize that I really should have chosen something else. It is true that I picked EE instead of Act Sci because of a coin flip, but Alan is right in that I would probably have been really bored of Act Sci. There just isn't enough 'things' to learn on a high level scale. I'm a systems guy and I like to understand how things work. But I just can't get interested in the guts of a system. Too back we don't have instant feedback with 'life-changing' decisions. We have huge delayed feedback. And I keep my options open because I'm afraid of failure. And as anyone that has taken game-theory before know, sometimes, having more options makes you do the most stupid moves in a game. And that's what life is, a simple game. After all, what is a game, but a model/representation of a world involving rules of a sort.

The whole girl thing? Not really doing anything active in 'pursuing' anyone. Not now anyways. I mean, I'm in my last term and I still have no clue where I plan to 'end' up. All I'm doing now is pretty much trying to improve myself for the right 'opportunity'. Ha, if any girl reads this, it would probably turn them off fast. Oh well, this is who I am. Or at least the side of me that I dump and forget. I think I have seen too many TV shows to expect some kind of Hollywood beginning that would never happen. I also believe in Destiny (with a capital D) or a weird, or the red string of fate. Anything that can seem to put order in this chaotic world. God (the ones that 'most' people believe in) for me, is a being that can not be ascertained. Faith sounds good on paper, but it is not a proof. And they can not be logically concluded. I believe myself to be a very intuitive person (or more so now than before), but seriously, God is a concept or an ideal, that I can not believe in. Not to the extent that fundamentalists believe in.

So yeah, back to the whole girl thing. Distance is one of the primary problems of most relationships. And there is no one in my vicinity that I would consider. I'm just too ... 'weird'. I guess that would be it. The fact that I'm uncompromising and the fact I'm not such a 'great catch' is also factored into the equation. I think the whole thing is that I'm still in a way afraid to approach girls to a point. To a point I write, because I have no problem talking to girls I have no conscious interest in. And I say conscious interest because I have no idea what my unconscious is thinking. Conscious interest implies I have to think about it. Anyways, so this term is pretty much improving myself (hopefully), although I don't know which direction is correct or what type of girl I like. Lisha seemed to have psychoanalyzed me quite well (at least I agree with her) about the type of girl I like now, but that may change with discovery of that fact.

And another thing, I thing I talk about me too much. At least in this blog. If you want to know the reason why, it is because I find the human condition and the whole dating thing to be the most complex problem yet. Haha, not that I would refer to my (nonexisting yet) girlfriend to be a problem, but the fact is I find that the whole human interaction thing to be the most complicated thing yet. It really does not obviously follow the laws of cause and effect and people live in the real world, which is a complex system in and of itself. I think anticipation is what's keeping me going on this topic right now. That alone is kind of sad in a way.

Haha, ladies, if you ever have me as a boyfriend, I'd try to be the best boyfriend I could be, since I don't like to fail at a role for something. But then again, you may find me boring because of that. I don't get girls when they're in the whole 'relationship' mode. I think otherwise, people are essentially the same in a certain way. It just depends on how you look at it.

I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen in 9 years, or even whether I'll exist in 9 years. I think I jump topics too much. Stream of consciousness writing usually suck for content.
My cousin (who is nine years older than me) just had her second child. Congratulations Eleena.

"A friend" tells me to stop thinking about it and just live life. He then proposes a collonary if everybody took the easy way out and thought like I did, it would be easier to hang ourselves because then we don't have to worry about choices.

Well, that's not my style. If anything, if I ever decide to kill myself, I'll be bringing some people down with me.

Seriously, I'm not depressed. I may be whiny, and according to Richmond, not really trying to improve myself, but I don't think I'm the type to commit suicide. I don't think I care enough. Suicide takes heartbreak and depression. I'm merely pessimistic, cynical, and sarcastic, as well as stubborn and unintelligible sometimes. Oh, another trait to turn off girls, whoopee. Seriously, if I ever did a dating resume like Davan, I'd probably have 1-2 lines and that's it. Oh well, we can't all be winners. And I probably have to stop looking at past glories. Seriously if I wasn't number 1, I was a loser. Sigh. There goes my math skills down the drain.

Anyways, if you want a good laugh and have 40 minutes to waste, check out the College Saga on youtube. It does require a bit of video game knowledge (ie, how the old Final Fantasy games looked and remembered how 'Zelda' sounded like). Mark Leung is pretty imaginative.

Well, I guess I should probably go to sleep. It's late, and they don't wait for me. COme back dreams, I need you to balance out my psychosis and delusions of grandeur.

Dang it, this post was supposed to be short. Stream of consciousness writing really does feel purging to the mind and emotions though. I guess an hour was enough to pay for clarity of thought.

Till I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.