Ambitions or ambitious

So, what exactly do we want out of life? Some people are content with what they have, while others are forced to be content with what they have. Others dream of lofty goals and never accomplish them, while others settle for anything because of the fear of disappointment.

I was of the latter school of thought. I achieved 'success' at an early age from academia and never thought of what I wanted to do with my life. Honestly, I don't know what I want to do with my life. While others dreamed of being an astronaut while others dream of becoming the fireman, police officer, doctor and lawyers, my dream was to be a navigator on a starship, or a mage from a foreign land. I wanted to be remarkable. Then my academic success dwindled, because I have never liked to get into specifics. I'm excellent at doing things the second time around, but I'm absolutely horrible the first time, and I don't improve after the second. For most of my high school life, I coasted by because most of the mathematics were taught to me before. High school was a giant review session that gave me enough knowledge to do well on contests.

In university, it was all new material, and thus I couldn't cope. At best, I could do approximately 80% of the material on exams. And that's a reason why I can't do well in university. I have had to have taken the courses before. And there aren't extra tutoring stuff in university for students that really want to excel unless you do it on your own. I never had the will power to do it. So I coasted by and never achieved anything. Sad if you think about it and now I feel regretful. It was in university that I started to read much more non-fiction. It also helped that wikipedia and other info websites sprung up at that time. It was then that I realized I really didn't have a clue at what I wanted to do. I like the pursuit of knowledge for itself. I cannot get in the specifics because my memory is just not that good. I love systems and learning how the world works. Of course, I'm quick to criticize any system that isn't operating on maximum efficiency. Right now, I don't know how that is useful in anyway besides being a good quality to have in a systems analyst.

That's the problem with me. I'm a jack of all trades. I get too easily distracted because the world is interesting and boring. It is interesting some of the days, and during the others, it is boring. I wonder what I want to do. I want to know enough so that I could actually have power. I feel powerless somehow. I can't read minds, which is pretty much the ability I would want. Humans to me pose the biggest challenge because free will is chaos in its purest form. While behavioral analysis reveals trends, it never reveals specific actions. Even in Foundation, by Isaac Asimov, while their social science is so advance they can predict general trends in population, it cannot predict individual motion of atoms (people). People to me represents the last frontier. Space is just too lonely for me to explore.

And yet, sometimes people are so simple. Some people have a very small mind. Their reactions are stereotypical. Stereotypes exist for a reason: because we want to live in an accepted norm. By living in a norm, they can function in a society. They are accepted because of their consistency. People that break stereotypes are no accepted because we don't fit into the routines of other people. And there are people that put on a facade stereotype to blend in. It is hard to separate the interesting people from the sheep.

Plus, another problem of the whole relationship thing is the insecurity of being vulnerable. Stereotypes gives us a way to standardize the whole process so that we don't runoff from the insecurity. The whole mating/courting ritual is almost like a sign that I'm scared of you, and that I think is not how a relationship to start: with fear and insecurity. I think the most success people are ones that break the whole mating/courting ritual.

Or its a numbers game. I don't know which yet.

There is nothing so common as the need to be remarkable. That's truer than anyone knows. Perhaps I was only searching for a relationship because to be special to oner person is already remarkable in itself. It is a surrogate for the ambition I feel within me. I want to be recognized. Instead of the time and risk involved in an ambitious venture like a startup, perhaps I thought it could be appeased with love. That's special, right?

So what are my goals? Not dreams, but goals. Achievable goals. Don't call me dreamless, because I have plenty of dreams, but goals are what people do in life. And damn if I want to let life get away too far this time. My goal right now is to get hired. Then to get an MBA. Then work for a startup or something. Another goal is to pen my novels from the ideas that I have written down. I want to be able to cook the things that I have always dreamed about. I want to be a gourmand as well =p.

From the goals I have listed, I want to never lose the passion I feel. Right now, I feel like a cold fish, without the spark of life that makes us human. Comedy, TV shows, manga, and information can only help so far. The drive and spark is inherent in all of us, and must be fanned by our own sense of worth and pride before we feel passionate about something. I think I lack passion, motive and commitment. Potential is there. All I need to do now is harness it. University was a big time waster of regrets. All I can do is hope not to repeat the mistakes of the past.

Till next time we meet, my Muse and Valkyrie.
Kevin