Steps

I guess I complain a lot. I look at the negative rather than the positive. I see stagnation and neglect.

I see myself.

Change is what keeps things alive. We measure our moments by changes. We measure the passing of time by observable changes around us. To change is to live. To stay still is to stagnate.

I have stood still.

I want to change, but not enough. I move slowly, while others dart like quicksilver. I have wasted my life, my lost chances and opportunities.

Worse off, it was because I didn't try.

And now that it has passed, I can only look back with regret, not fondness for where I am. I can only stand and wonder about mediocrity. I have stepped in and slid in like a comfortable old coat and complain about the glories of yesteryear.

I can continue to stand, or try to walk forward.

I have tested the waters and walked a few baby steps, but it is still early. Easy to blame video games, but it is only the tool, not the cause. It is easier for the imaginative to slip into a world where life matters, than those without. I am too easily stuck in fantasy than most. I state it as fact, not for bragging rights.

The only thing to do is to use it to my advantage.

It is one of my dreams/goals to be a writer. I have always wated to share the world I see with people. Science has lacked the ability to make our dreams visible by other people. All we can do is use our inept language to handle communication.

A person without purpose, is a man without a soul.

Contentment is denied the person who strives for nothing. No success can succeed without the other: achievement, respect and happiness. For it takes achievement for respect, respect for happiness and happiness for achievement. Only then will one feel satisfied.

To change who I am, to live again, I will place a test.

Anytime I place a thought about a girl in any other capacity than friend (more than friends), I will write a new page about the story. This stops when I ask her out for the first date. A strong motive for both, for the second follows only when I think it is right. Until then, I cannot find solace in my video games. Instead, I will find solace in my world of imagination. To start, I will need an outline, revised characters and placement within the outline. Each page is 12 font double space. Plans for the outline comes first. Then expansion.

This might be the beginning steps. Baby steps Kevin, but moving forward.

I just may take up pure math agin. Surely though, I will probably want brain teasers. Learning about how things work. Systems in general. And definately sleeping more.

In time, I might make it to open the door of this world.

And enter into another one, satisfied with what I have left behind me. Immortality only exist in the minds of the living. And I intend to at least attempt it.

I cast myself to your fate, my fair muse. Till I see you again, in my dream.

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Plot idea: Contrast villain's action to hero's inaction. Hero's fatalism causes the world's cataclysm. Redemption in the second and third part only because of Hero's reluctant burden of action.

Bus Ride Back

Well, tonight was a fun time. Left work early to get the 4:30 bus back to Toronto. Otherwise, the 6:30 bus would meant I would have gotten to Toronto at 11:30 and home around 1.

Anyways, Sandy invited me to hang with her statcon friends on the bus ride back. So I met Kate, Will and Craig. I had the feeling that Will didn't like me much, and he admitted he didn't like Waterloo students much even if he is from UW.

The journey began uneventfully. Basically, all of us were tired from the fact we started work early. So, most of us napped until the bus stopped halfway at this log cabin cafe.

We had sandwiches and pretty much stretched ourselves out of 20 minutes. Kate and Will seemed talkative and "bonded". Sandy seemed off in her little world after reading, so I had no one really to talk to. Somehow, the topi of religion got introduced (sigh. Me again), and we got to talking about where they grew up and such.

Interesting enough, a guy sitting in front of us got into the debate in religion. He was a devout Christian and we debated about religion for a while. The problem for me is twofold. First, devout people always has the demeanor of total confidence: that they are right and you are wrong, even if it is a test of faith. me, I'm a skeptic and that makes my position look weaker, even if it is equally valid, just because of the nature and origin of the argument. We debated a bit more when a girlcame into the discussion as well. Rebecca was studying at Ottawa U for her theology degree and pointed out several points. While I was not thoroughly convinced (as I am naturally suspicious of any religious argument), she brought interesting points. However, some of her theories taught to her by theology could be found explained by sociological concepts of heirarchy of needs and the Jungian thought of a global consciousness. It was a fun period.

She also told me how she finished her pharmacology degree, worked as a pharmascist and wasn't satisfied. She plans to be a pastoral consellor (a therapist using faith as a primary healing source) in Vancouver, where her fiance is living. There's only one consellor total in Vancouver.

Meanwhile, Kate and Will were still talking. But I couldn't really interject, as I was more of a third wheel. Rebecca kept talking about stuff. Found out she was German. Sandy was still reading her book.

Anyways, I noticed that Ottawa has many cute, if not hot, white girls. (Asian girls, however, tend to be ararity) In particular, I think German girls are cute and hot.

I shall go to sleep soon. After I read this Buzz on Relationship book. It's a funny parody book.

Till I see you in my dreams, my Muse.

Epiphany

Sometimes...I get a bit mystical.

Today, I was supposed to go to Kanata Town Centre to get greyhound tickets. However, when I got out, I think I was one minute late, because the bus was no longer there and the next one was arriving in 8 minutes.

When it finally arrived, I was hoping it would go faster. I was listening to some old songs that got my blood pumped up against something. It made me feel alive. It was as if it threw off a black cloud on me that I didn't know of. When I got off the bus, I felt like someone was watching over me, because the light changed just as I was about to call it.

When I arrived at the stop to get the 96 bus, I think I was another minute late for that one, and the next one would arrive at 5:57, which would make me miss the 6:00 closing of the bus stop. So, I decided to walk home from there.

The wind was nice. It was a nice breeze, and meanwhile, I swaggered back towards home. I felt like I could do anything. And words appear to me. It was the phrase..."and I shall not be held in abeyance anymore", along with a surge of confidence and self-satisfaction. I feel like I could do anything.

Anyways, that's my mystical experience for today. Good night, my sweet Muse.

Near Childhood's End.

I never liked touching people. Yet I believe I'd like hugs. Or even cuddling from a loved one.

This is conflicting. Paradoxical even.

Now, I don't know why this is. The not touching people could be a reaction from years of conditioning. Sometimes I feel very uncomfortable in my own body. As if my mind was nothing but a parasite using this body for a limited time.

And then there's the opposite, which is the want of somebody. Touching somebody, as a tactile sensation, is a powerful trigger. The tactile sense is much stronger than most other sense you have as well as the most direct one. Also, the act of touching somebody helps reinforce the fact that we are not alone in this world.

Sometimes I wonder why I don't feel like I'm in my own body. At other times, I wonder about the acts of physical intimacy, such as kissing. You can say, however, it is not a high priority for me. My imagination does suffice. I do seem to be able to think what it ought to feel like. But I guess nothing is as good as the real thing.

But then again, sometimes I wonder if I'm deliberately afraid of these acts because they mark me as growing up. Getting a girlfriend would probably be a step that away. Taking up more responsibility for my actions. Tying myself to one job. It stinks of mediocrity. Dreams. Ideals. Waiting for the 'perfect' one. Be an enterpreneur and retire by 40. Live as you want to live. We have two conflicting sides. One trying to grow up. The other side trying to stay young and dream. Because mediocrity just doesn't cut it. And growing up means the end of dreams.

So these physical reactions could also be a reflection on this. The aversion probably comes from the kid side, while the part of me that's growing up needs physical contact. But do I think I'm ready to grow up? Maybe I should let fate decide that. Until my childhood really comes to an end, I guess I'll go on dreaming. Maybe forever.

I don't know sometimes. Maybe this is hokey psychology. But it doesn't matter. This writing is supposed to soothe me, and it has. What's better is that hopefully, other people would have views on this and discuss about the impending identity and mid-life crisis I'll have.

Who knows. Till I see you in my dreams, inspire me, my Valkyrie.

In rememberance of past and future conflicts.

So today, I went to Roma's house for something for our FYDP. As I remembered correctly, there was nothing that she had that we needed and so I progressed to Rideau center to wait for Drew and his friend. We were planning to go to the war museum and afterwards go out to eat. We decided to meet at 2:30 at the octranspo office in Rideau center. I had planned to spend an hour or so at Roma's place at around 12:00. I had no idea it would be that close, and thus I went to Walmart and a small bookstore. Walmart...I actually saw that they were selling Gameboy. I was tempted to buy an advanced SP for 70 bucks. It was 20 bucks off, but the DS was already out and the advanced was outdated. So anyways, I didn't buy it. In the end I bought a book to occupy my time.

So anyways. Drew, Vincent and I went around the War Museum. It was a very interesting place. The history of all the wars that Canada has fought in. All the relics and weapons. It is interesting because of all the...blood of it all. The very ground that we stand in was drenched in blood at one time or another. And our ideals of freedom and justice are grounded by blood.
This picture expresses what I felt after it.

However, technology is always cool. This is a flamethrower car that throws flames up to 90 meters away.


Lan just told me that everything for FYDP is fine. Wee. We owe you Lan!

Anyways. This is an update post, not the heavy thinking stuff and this is what I leave you with. Lates =).