Near Childhood's End.

I never liked touching people. Yet I believe I'd like hugs. Or even cuddling from a loved one.

This is conflicting. Paradoxical even.

Now, I don't know why this is. The not touching people could be a reaction from years of conditioning. Sometimes I feel very uncomfortable in my own body. As if my mind was nothing but a parasite using this body for a limited time.

And then there's the opposite, which is the want of somebody. Touching somebody, as a tactile sensation, is a powerful trigger. The tactile sense is much stronger than most other sense you have as well as the most direct one. Also, the act of touching somebody helps reinforce the fact that we are not alone in this world.

Sometimes I wonder why I don't feel like I'm in my own body. At other times, I wonder about the acts of physical intimacy, such as kissing. You can say, however, it is not a high priority for me. My imagination does suffice. I do seem to be able to think what it ought to feel like. But I guess nothing is as good as the real thing.

But then again, sometimes I wonder if I'm deliberately afraid of these acts because they mark me as growing up. Getting a girlfriend would probably be a step that away. Taking up more responsibility for my actions. Tying myself to one job. It stinks of mediocrity. Dreams. Ideals. Waiting for the 'perfect' one. Be an enterpreneur and retire by 40. Live as you want to live. We have two conflicting sides. One trying to grow up. The other side trying to stay young and dream. Because mediocrity just doesn't cut it. And growing up means the end of dreams.

So these physical reactions could also be a reflection on this. The aversion probably comes from the kid side, while the part of me that's growing up needs physical contact. But do I think I'm ready to grow up? Maybe I should let fate decide that. Until my childhood really comes to an end, I guess I'll go on dreaming. Maybe forever.

I don't know sometimes. Maybe this is hokey psychology. But it doesn't matter. This writing is supposed to soothe me, and it has. What's better is that hopefully, other people would have views on this and discuss about the impending identity and mid-life crisis I'll have.

Who knows. Till I see you in my dreams, inspire me, my Valkyrie.