So I've been thinking this past week. Oh yeah, my total number of pages to write is now 4. Damn my straying thoughts.
I noticed I was thinking a lot while I was walking. About my life in general, and al ot of other things. The problem comes in recalling it. I can't. They are deep profound thoughts, dedicated to changing my perception of everything, and yet, I usually forget it as soon as I get home. I have a shadow of what it was, and yet, I just can't remember exactly the thoughts exactly.
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What am I looking for? Some would say immortality. Some will say immortality lays within the gneetic material we pass on to the next generation. Others would say that we would remember those that stay close to our hearts. Yet others would say that immortality lay in wait for those that are great enough for everyone to remember. Yet in a few hundre years, we fall. Forgotten from memory, forgotten from the face of the earth. No one would mourn us. And that is too sad to contemplate. I guess then, if it is not immortality that we seek, then it should be pursuit of the moment, or at least the moment and the immediate future. For all plans shatter and the first ring of reality.
Ha. What I want to do for the rest of my life? I kind of figure this thing out. I am simply, a system exploiter. I have an innate understanding of systems in the abstract sense, and I can sense the weakness and strengths of them. I can't see what time of job will allow me to use this ability fully, but if I do, it will be a fun job.
I think I've been treating girls like figurines again. I have a problem treating them as people. I hold them up to pedestals, which is unfair of me to do so. I guess its all this romantism and chivalry that I still believe on some fundamental level, underneath this hard crusty cynical shell. But I think I know what I want now. A companion. One that is willing to put up with my impulsiveness. And yes, I'm impulsive. It's just that being impulsive alone isn't that much fun.
Sigh, there are a lot more things. I'll have to write them down next time, instead of relying on memory. My memory fades fast. Too fast. Till I see you in my dreams, my Muse.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Worst bus driver ever.
So anyways. Came back on monday. Planned to ride the 2:55 bus in Scarborough Town Center. However, decided instead to take the bus from central terminal just because my sister was going there as well, as well as getting an easier seat.
When I got there 30 minutes early, there was a bus ready to go. however, it only went to Ottawa center, so that was a drawback. But it was leaving 30 minutes early, and an hour earlier than the one leaving STC, so I decided to get on.
Big mistake. The driver was a total n00b. He didn't know how to drive very well. Seems like it was his first trip to Ottawa, since he was asking for directions. As well, he took the 400 instead of the DVP because supposedly theDVP was blocked/traffic jam. Still would have been faster, but he didn't know it. All in all, a very bad driver.
Anyways, afterwards, when I got off the bus, it was already 7:30. I was supposed to get to Kanata Town Center by 7:10. Instead, I was 20 minutes late and stuck in the middle of downtown. The problem was, the 101, which goes near where I was, did not run on sundays, and since it was a stautatory holiday, the buses were running on a sunday schedule. I tried looking at a map, but I basically thought and paced for a bit.
A girl then came up to me and asked if I knew how to get to where she lived. I didn't, but since she was trying to get to Baseline, I decided to help her. It didn't hurt that she was quite pretty. So anyways, I suggested walking north to hit the 95/96/97 lines. She then asked if we could walk together.
So we talked a bit and then we got to Baseline with a 95X bus. I got her email in case our group was doing Musuem hops since she was new to the area too. She took the Fallowfield bus after while I took the 118 bus to get back to Hazeldean and Eagleson. I got back at aroudn 9:20, over 2 hours over what I expected.
Pretty interesting night, even if it did take the darnest long time. However, it is a shame that my emails so far have gotten no responses. Oh well.
Till I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.
When I got there 30 minutes early, there was a bus ready to go. however, it only went to Ottawa center, so that was a drawback. But it was leaving 30 minutes early, and an hour earlier than the one leaving STC, so I decided to get on.
Big mistake. The driver was a total n00b. He didn't know how to drive very well. Seems like it was his first trip to Ottawa, since he was asking for directions. As well, he took the 400 instead of the DVP because supposedly theDVP was blocked/traffic jam. Still would have been faster, but he didn't know it. All in all, a very bad driver.
Anyways, afterwards, when I got off the bus, it was already 7:30. I was supposed to get to Kanata Town Center by 7:10. Instead, I was 20 minutes late and stuck in the middle of downtown. The problem was, the 101, which goes near where I was, did not run on sundays, and since it was a stautatory holiday, the buses were running on a sunday schedule. I tried looking at a map, but I basically thought and paced for a bit.
A girl then came up to me and asked if I knew how to get to where she lived. I didn't, but since she was trying to get to Baseline, I decided to help her. It didn't hurt that she was quite pretty. So anyways, I suggested walking north to hit the 95/96/97 lines. She then asked if we could walk together.
So we talked a bit and then we got to Baseline with a 95X bus. I got her email in case our group was doing Musuem hops since she was new to the area too. She took the Fallowfield bus after while I took the 118 bus to get back to Hazeldean and Eagleson. I got back at aroudn 9:20, over 2 hours over what I expected.
Pretty interesting night, even if it did take the darnest long time. However, it is a shame that my emails so far have gotten no responses. Oh well.
Till I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Steps
I guess I complain a lot. I look at the negative rather than the positive. I see stagnation and neglect.
I see myself.
Change is what keeps things alive. We measure our moments by changes. We measure the passing of time by observable changes around us. To change is to live. To stay still is to stagnate.
I have stood still.
I want to change, but not enough. I move slowly, while others dart like quicksilver. I have wasted my life, my lost chances and opportunities.
Worse off, it was because I didn't try.
And now that it has passed, I can only look back with regret, not fondness for where I am. I can only stand and wonder about mediocrity. I have stepped in and slid in like a comfortable old coat and complain about the glories of yesteryear.
I can continue to stand, or try to walk forward.
I have tested the waters and walked a few baby steps, but it is still early. Easy to blame video games, but it is only the tool, not the cause. It is easier for the imaginative to slip into a world where life matters, than those without. I am too easily stuck in fantasy than most. I state it as fact, not for bragging rights.
The only thing to do is to use it to my advantage.
It is one of my dreams/goals to be a writer. I have always wated to share the world I see with people. Science has lacked the ability to make our dreams visible by other people. All we can do is use our inept language to handle communication.
A person without purpose, is a man without a soul.
Contentment is denied the person who strives for nothing. No success can succeed without the other: achievement, respect and happiness. For it takes achievement for respect, respect for happiness and happiness for achievement. Only then will one feel satisfied.
To change who I am, to live again, I will place a test.
Anytime I place a thought about a girl in any other capacity than friend (more than friends), I will write a new page about the story. This stops when I ask her out for the first date. A strong motive for both, for the second follows only when I think it is right. Until then, I cannot find solace in my video games. Instead, I will find solace in my world of imagination. To start, I will need an outline, revised characters and placement within the outline. Each page is 12 font double space. Plans for the outline comes first. Then expansion.
This might be the beginning steps. Baby steps Kevin, but moving forward.
I just may take up pure math agin. Surely though, I will probably want brain teasers. Learning about how things work. Systems in general. And definately sleeping more.
In time, I might make it to open the door of this world.
And enter into another one, satisfied with what I have left behind me. Immortality only exist in the minds of the living. And I intend to at least attempt it.
I cast myself to your fate, my fair muse. Till I see you again, in my dream.
=====================================================
Plot idea: Contrast villain's action to hero's inaction. Hero's fatalism causes the world's cataclysm. Redemption in the second and third part only because of Hero's reluctant burden of action.
I see myself.
Change is what keeps things alive. We measure our moments by changes. We measure the passing of time by observable changes around us. To change is to live. To stay still is to stagnate.
I have stood still.
I want to change, but not enough. I move slowly, while others dart like quicksilver. I have wasted my life, my lost chances and opportunities.
Worse off, it was because I didn't try.
And now that it has passed, I can only look back with regret, not fondness for where I am. I can only stand and wonder about mediocrity. I have stepped in and slid in like a comfortable old coat and complain about the glories of yesteryear.
I can continue to stand, or try to walk forward.
I have tested the waters and walked a few baby steps, but it is still early. Easy to blame video games, but it is only the tool, not the cause. It is easier for the imaginative to slip into a world where life matters, than those without. I am too easily stuck in fantasy than most. I state it as fact, not for bragging rights.
The only thing to do is to use it to my advantage.
It is one of my dreams/goals to be a writer. I have always wated to share the world I see with people. Science has lacked the ability to make our dreams visible by other people. All we can do is use our inept language to handle communication.
A person without purpose, is a man without a soul.
Contentment is denied the person who strives for nothing. No success can succeed without the other: achievement, respect and happiness. For it takes achievement for respect, respect for happiness and happiness for achievement. Only then will one feel satisfied.
To change who I am, to live again, I will place a test.
Anytime I place a thought about a girl in any other capacity than friend (more than friends), I will write a new page about the story. This stops when I ask her out for the first date. A strong motive for both, for the second follows only when I think it is right. Until then, I cannot find solace in my video games. Instead, I will find solace in my world of imagination. To start, I will need an outline, revised characters and placement within the outline. Each page is 12 font double space. Plans for the outline comes first. Then expansion.
This might be the beginning steps. Baby steps Kevin, but moving forward.
I just may take up pure math agin. Surely though, I will probably want brain teasers. Learning about how things work. Systems in general. And definately sleeping more.
In time, I might make it to open the door of this world.
And enter into another one, satisfied with what I have left behind me. Immortality only exist in the minds of the living. And I intend to at least attempt it.
I cast myself to your fate, my fair muse. Till I see you again, in my dream.
=====================================================
Plot idea: Contrast villain's action to hero's inaction. Hero's fatalism causes the world's cataclysm. Redemption in the second and third part only because of Hero's reluctant burden of action.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Bus Ride Back
Well, tonight was a fun time. Left work early to get the 4:30 bus back to Toronto. Otherwise, the 6:30 bus would meant I would have gotten to Toronto at 11:30 and home around 1.
Anyways, Sandy invited me to hang with her statcon friends on the bus ride back. So I met Kate, Will and Craig. I had the feeling that Will didn't like me much, and he admitted he didn't like Waterloo students much even if he is from UW.
The journey began uneventfully. Basically, all of us were tired from the fact we started work early. So, most of us napped until the bus stopped halfway at this log cabin cafe.
We had sandwiches and pretty much stretched ourselves out of 20 minutes. Kate and Will seemed talkative and "bonded". Sandy seemed off in her little world after reading, so I had no one really to talk to. Somehow, the topi of religion got introduced (sigh. Me again), and we got to talking about where they grew up and such.
Interesting enough, a guy sitting in front of us got into the debate in religion. He was a devout Christian and we debated about religion for a while. The problem for me is twofold. First, devout people always has the demeanor of total confidence: that they are right and you are wrong, even if it is a test of faith. me, I'm a skeptic and that makes my position look weaker, even if it is equally valid, just because of the nature and origin of the argument. We debated a bit more when a girlcame into the discussion as well. Rebecca was studying at Ottawa U for her theology degree and pointed out several points. While I was not thoroughly convinced (as I am naturally suspicious of any religious argument), she brought interesting points. However, some of her theories taught to her by theology could be found explained by sociological concepts of heirarchy of needs and the Jungian thought of a global consciousness. It was a fun period.
She also told me how she finished her pharmacology degree, worked as a pharmascist and wasn't satisfied. She plans to be a pastoral consellor (a therapist using faith as a primary healing source) in Vancouver, where her fiance is living. There's only one consellor total in Vancouver.
Meanwhile, Kate and Will were still talking. But I couldn't really interject, as I was more of a third wheel. Rebecca kept talking about stuff. Found out she was German. Sandy was still reading her book.
Anyways, I noticed that Ottawa has many cute, if not hot, white girls. (Asian girls, however, tend to be ararity) In particular, I think German girls are cute and hot.
I shall go to sleep soon. After I read this Buzz on Relationship book. It's a funny parody book.
Till I see you in my dreams, my Muse.
Anyways, Sandy invited me to hang with her statcon friends on the bus ride back. So I met Kate, Will and Craig. I had the feeling that Will didn't like me much, and he admitted he didn't like Waterloo students much even if he is from UW.
The journey began uneventfully. Basically, all of us were tired from the fact we started work early. So, most of us napped until the bus stopped halfway at this log cabin cafe.
We had sandwiches and pretty much stretched ourselves out of 20 minutes. Kate and Will seemed talkative and "bonded". Sandy seemed off in her little world after reading, so I had no one really to talk to. Somehow, the topi of religion got introduced (sigh. Me again), and we got to talking about where they grew up and such.
Interesting enough, a guy sitting in front of us got into the debate in religion. He was a devout Christian and we debated about religion for a while. The problem for me is twofold. First, devout people always has the demeanor of total confidence: that they are right and you are wrong, even if it is a test of faith. me, I'm a skeptic and that makes my position look weaker, even if it is equally valid, just because of the nature and origin of the argument. We debated a bit more when a girlcame into the discussion as well. Rebecca was studying at Ottawa U for her theology degree and pointed out several points. While I was not thoroughly convinced (as I am naturally suspicious of any religious argument), she brought interesting points. However, some of her theories taught to her by theology could be found explained by sociological concepts of heirarchy of needs and the Jungian thought of a global consciousness. It was a fun period.
She also told me how she finished her pharmacology degree, worked as a pharmascist and wasn't satisfied. She plans to be a pastoral consellor (a therapist using faith as a primary healing source) in Vancouver, where her fiance is living. There's only one consellor total in Vancouver.
Meanwhile, Kate and Will were still talking. But I couldn't really interject, as I was more of a third wheel. Rebecca kept talking about stuff. Found out she was German. Sandy was still reading her book.
Anyways, I noticed that Ottawa has many cute, if not hot, white girls. (Asian girls, however, tend to be ararity) In particular, I think German girls are cute and hot.
I shall go to sleep soon. After I read this Buzz on Relationship book. It's a funny parody book.
Till I see you in my dreams, my Muse.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Epiphany
Sometimes...I get a bit mystical.
Today, I was supposed to go to Kanata Town Centre to get greyhound tickets. However, when I got out, I think I was one minute late, because the bus was no longer there and the next one was arriving in 8 minutes.
When it finally arrived, I was hoping it would go faster. I was listening to some old songs that got my blood pumped up against something. It made me feel alive. It was as if it threw off a black cloud on me that I didn't know of. When I got off the bus, I felt like someone was watching over me, because the light changed just as I was about to call it.
When I arrived at the stop to get the 96 bus, I think I was another minute late for that one, and the next one would arrive at 5:57, which would make me miss the 6:00 closing of the bus stop. So, I decided to walk home from there.
The wind was nice. It was a nice breeze, and meanwhile, I swaggered back towards home. I felt like I could do anything. And words appear to me. It was the phrase..."and I shall not be held in abeyance anymore", along with a surge of confidence and self-satisfaction. I feel like I could do anything.
Anyways, that's my mystical experience for today. Good night, my sweet Muse.
Today, I was supposed to go to Kanata Town Centre to get greyhound tickets. However, when I got out, I think I was one minute late, because the bus was no longer there and the next one was arriving in 8 minutes.
When it finally arrived, I was hoping it would go faster. I was listening to some old songs that got my blood pumped up against something. It made me feel alive. It was as if it threw off a black cloud on me that I didn't know of. When I got off the bus, I felt like someone was watching over me, because the light changed just as I was about to call it.
When I arrived at the stop to get the 96 bus, I think I was another minute late for that one, and the next one would arrive at 5:57, which would make me miss the 6:00 closing of the bus stop. So, I decided to walk home from there.
The wind was nice. It was a nice breeze, and meanwhile, I swaggered back towards home. I felt like I could do anything. And words appear to me. It was the phrase..."and I shall not be held in abeyance anymore", along with a surge of confidence and self-satisfaction. I feel like I could do anything.
Anyways, that's my mystical experience for today. Good night, my sweet Muse.
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