The lack of continuity

What can I say? I become lazy after awhile.

Well, that's not exactly true. It's just that I keep forgettting what I mean to say. Ideas float in and out. It's very annoying when you have something very profound, and it just slips through your fingers.

A lot of things slips through my fingers. Such as what love and life is.

You know what, I recently had a really interesting discussion with a friend I haven't talked to for a while. It was interesting to have a sounding board for my analysis of myself. What she made me realize was that throughout my whole life, there had only really been 2 girls that I have ever been attracted to. Partly because of of physical appearances, but also of having a certain quality that can not be really explained. Nevertheless, this quality almost seems to make them appear to be a part of the elusive dream girl, that perfect person that exist, so far, only in my dreams.

Then I realize that could be because I've created a person in my mind to reflect that elusive quality. While they may be a part of that elusive dream girl, they are not her. They should not be images built by my own head and projected upon them. That's stupid. Building people up in the head only invite heartbreak and disappointment. They are not your dream gril. They may emcompass quality and qualities, but they are not her.

Which brings to the next question. Should I wait? Is there such a person? Does this person exist for me? And how do I know its her? Or does a person only exist for a moment in time, and that person does not really exist at all? Maybe there are multiples of such people, but not exactly perfect. In that case, how can you tell?

Maybe love is just the act of compromising and finding someone that would put up with your bs long enough so that you are not angry anymore. Maybe someone that treats you as a person rather than just another human on this lonely planet.

Oh well. I know I screwed up the chance with number 1. And I don't think I'd pressure number 2. What would be, would be. But is this sort of fatalistic attitude that has kept me single for so long? Sometimes I wonder if this makes me desperate...or worse, look desperate.

Am I desperate? I'd like to say no, but it is hard to tell. Will I go with just anyone? Perhaps not. There are certain aspects that must be adhered to. Standards if you will, or maybe guidelines? I don't know, I'm new to this sort of thing.

I have no clue where I'm going with all of this. However, if at any point I'd have to compromise with myself to get the girl, I'd have to say no. Unless of course, it is a really stupid reason and the relationship has gone on long enough.

Maybe I'd die an lonely old man. Sigh