Still a damn kid at heart

I remember when I was a kid and envisioned what my life would be like at 21 years old. I could imagine the friends I'd make and the adventures I'll have once I was well established at university. Now, these adventures were never really well defined nor were they realistic, but they were something to look forward to.

And now at 21 years old. I find those images and dreams fleeting. They were remnants of an image of 'what could have been'. A life that would be, from a perspective from the here and now, that seems to be better.

But you know what? Just because it seems better does not mean that it is. You really don't know what you want in life until you've either achieved it or have lost it. To achieve something, you might cast it away. To lose something, you might regret it for the rest of your life. True, to love and lost is better than regret, but are we sure we want to love?

The fundamental question is this. What the hell does anybody actually want? Comfort? Love? Acceptance? Challenges? Achievements? It is hard to say really what anybody wants. That's because we really have no clue what we want.

In the end, all we've got are these foolish expectations and fanciful dreams. Yet we regret so many things that I'm surprised we aren't drowning from sorrow and guilt. Sometimes however, I can see why that sense of nostalgia grips me and why I yearn for those days when I could only dream of the future.

Within you, I lose myself. Without you, I find myself, wanting to be lost again.

I guess I'm still that ignorant little boy at heart.