A look into phobias

Hmm...its been a while again. Keep meaning to post, but never actually doing it. There have been posts I've been meaning to post that I have forgotten about already. It's a shame really. Those would have been really enjoyable.

I went home for the weekend. This is actually something that I haven't done for a while. Most of the time, I stay in Waterloo way too often because my source of communications, my computer, is here hooked up to the internet.

I believe that we've become dependent on instantenous communication. With good reason though. Anything else is not instantaneous and requires a lot of effort to do. Gathering a group of my high school friends is nearly impossible nowadays without huge advance planning sessions.

Went to Townwest last Wednesday. I actually thought it was a dance before I realized after I got in, that it was a signing contest. Well, I don't mind singing contests, but I really thought it was a dance beforehand. I mean, I acutally wanted to go to this dance because hopefully, it had girls. Not that I can hit on them or anything. 1) I lack the skills. 2) I kinda refuse to let my female friend see me try at such a task. 3) I lack the confidence to do it.

Hmm. Now to relate my tale of woe and sadness to why I lack confidence towards girls. I've had this phobia for a long time. Perhaps I can even pinpoint it to the exact moment. I've always lack self-esteem in myself. In elementary school, I lack the whole fitting in thing because 1, my parents are not exactly the most educated in the world. Granted, they are smart, but educated is probably not the best. They were great parents probably because of that. They allowed me to experience almost anything and made me only answerable to myself. Besides the fact that I was very protected and closeted at home, I had the reign of the whole house. However, while I had all the freedom I want, I lacked the customs that were required of me in elementary school.

In elementary school, I was a genius. My mathematical skills killed people 3 grades above of me. Granted, I was still an unknown, and I lacked social grace, but I was a smart little boy and was therefore exempted from what society insisted of me. I was 'weird', but I was smart, which made it acceptable. My english was also very poor at the time. But from grade 1-3, I still fitted in quite well. My friends were everybody in the class and everybody respected my intellegence.

In grade 4 though, I got placed to the gifted program. I had the weird customs still, but I was no longer special in a class of 'gifted' children. Hence, I was the weird one out. I was still smart, but only smart, not genius, and thus I was kinda on the outs with most people. My atheletic abilities have never amounted to much, except short length sprinting, excellent for soccer defense, but beyond that...not much.

So throughout the rest of elementary school, I did not have many close friends. I had one best friend, Joe, who I still talk to reguarly. He quit the gifted program in grade 9 to attend the high school of his then girlfriend instead. But that's another story. Instead of close friends, or friends at all, I had peers and acquaintances. Oh yeah, in elementary school, we were still on the 'girls were yucky' stage. So, that adds a level of problems between my self-esteem and girls.

In Junior High, we were on the exploratory stage. The 'gifted' class was kinda like engineering in a way. Girls were the minority, and amounted to around 30-40% of the class. Likewise, guys were more close-knit than the girls in the class. The girls were just absorbed in the cliques that the guys had rather than forming their own. It may explain why I don't find engineering groups/cliques strange and why I'm more of a bridger than a clique regular (terms I use to describe clique groups. This will probably be explained later).

So from that point on, I'd almost be starting several spaces behind the other people. I think too much and thus that hinders my chances as well. Sometimes, I wonder what I'd be like in several years. All the thinking about love and stuff? I'd like for it to happen, but I can't see how it'd happen at the moment.
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Now, I have no such trouble, but I still lack experience. Plus, according to my friends, I'm too picky. I don't know. There's always the thing about who I exactly want to meet. I always say that you never really want until you've lost it, but as a preliminary now, from extensive analysis and basically cross-referencing and simulations (mental ones. creating a person in your head is hard), I do believe know what type of girl I'd like to meet. Someone who's my complement. Complement how? Someone who's interested in stuff I'm knowledgable in and vice versa. For me, I'm knowledgable in stuff like gaming, electronics, etc etc. I'm interested in stuff like psychology and socialogy and philosophy. Maybe just meeting new people, etc. But you know what, for girls to get interested in gaming and anime,etc is nearly impossible =P. That's sorta why I think its impossible to meet this girl out there. Oh, and she has to be attractive to me. I've been told that I have a very weird taste in girls. Shrug. I don't know, I just prefer cute over hot. I don't see what the big deal on hot is.
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Anyways, that's all for now. I suppose I can write more, but that's enough for today.