I'm in like with you.

That phrase strikes a cord within me somehow. Because seriously, how exactly do you really love someone without actually getting to know them first. The above phrase is the level below that (I'm in love with you). And the level below that (which is neutral) should be term "I'm interested in you".

Do you believe in love at first sight? I don't. I believe in like in first sight though. Something that is striking, like a certain spark to set your heart ablaze. I've met only 2 girls in my entire life (granted, I haven't known many girls. I wonder why...must be because I'm a crappy dresser) that fit that description. And yet...nothing happens. Why? Because I'm afraid to do anything about it. That insipid fear of screwing things up (rejection) is there. Conscience doth make cowards of us all indeed.

And there's the thing. I have a really good imagination. On one hand, this has helped me a lot, as I can really put myself into other people's shoes and predict what they are going to do usually. Or at least their responses to certain stimuli. On the other hand, it has led to many problems for me: 1) Sometime I put girls (well, just the 2 so far) on a pedestal, mainly because I can envision life with them in a relationship. (It's even scarier for the more recent one, since I can imagine 10 years into the future). 2) My fear of heights (I can imagine exactly the anxiety from just thinking of heights and imagine the pain of falling down. 3) I can imagine EXACTLY what would go wrong if I do anything. This is one of the reasons I'm so apathetic. It's a defense mechanism.

And here's the thing. I must admit, I'm an excellent book learner. When I came to Canada, I must admit, I was a bit embarassed by my parents. The culture clash led to many inevitable problems. Of course, I know better now, but so do my parents (who let me do whatever I want, since I've proven to be responsible). The language barrier my parents faced also made it that much more difficult for me in elementary school. However, I was still a relatively normal kid. I bet, if I didn't get into the gifted program, I would have been much more socially apt. Anyways, regardless, the resulting clash of language and culture forced me to learn culture and social interactions from rough experience (stepping on people's fingers accidentally is bad....even if you don't remember such an incident >.<) and books.

Books are probably my mainstay of learning. I have never liked to learn from teachers unless it is a 1-on-1 tutorial where I can ask all sorts of questions. My inquisitive mind is based upon a personality of observors. A modern sherlock holmes crossed with a psychologist and behavioral scientist. The point is to figure out how to proceed in normal society without actually being in it.

The problem is, for problems of relationships, there are books, but they are either outdated, and inexact. They do not teach you from beginning to end about the whole subject and the problem is also that the science is totally subjective depending on the subject herself. =P A guru is also likely not very useful for this reason because any general tips can be easily garnered from the books.

I hate to admit it, but I've read enough "romance" novels (my sister leaves them around, I swear!), shoujo mangas (hey, I'm a sappy closet idealistic romantic. Don't let my cynical side fool you), chick flicks (hey, they're heartwarming in a desolate world), and science fiction (usually needs a relationship in there to show the conflict and further the plot) that I can imagine ways that MIGHT work...but more likely would not. I can point out so many problems of each way of approach. And they're not guaranteed to work. I can't even calculate a percentage.

So basically, I believe I'm well studied in most aspects of life, except for the relationship part. Part of me wonders why I need someone like that. I've recently asked the question why the kiss was even part of the evolutionary process at all. It serves no evolutionary function. But a friend goes, if you have to ask, you don't understand. It just feels "right".

Heh. The problem is. Sometimes, if I spend enough time thinking about it, I could convince myself that I'm in love with any number of girls. It's like a self-hypnosis technique. My imagination helps this along. However, I do most often realize the fallacy of doing so and I can shatter the illusion quite readily. However, for the girl with the spark, I do not have to spend time thinking about it at all. It just feels right. Too bad I don't know EVER how to convey this so that it freaks her out or make me look like a creepy stalker. The fact is made worse when there are no mutual friends (Ed and Mei, you should thank your lucky stars Stefou hooked you two up).

Which leads to hard choices. One is to charge forward and risk it all. The problem with this is that it is a low chance of success because of the shock value. I do believe in the idea of soulmates, but I doubt anyone would just tell anyone that they were made for each other right away without creeping them out. The other one is the semi-shy, half-interested, friends-border -> girlfriend tactic. It is less of a shock because she has gotten to know you. However, it is a fine line between turning into a full fledge friend and from what I have heard, friendcest does not usually work (Hollywood is fictional. Otherwise friendcest does work. Chandler was damn lucky too). The latter would most likely be better. But, it is even harder when schedules don't match up, etc.

Interesting point: first girl ever that I felt the spark looked very similar to the second girl. Yet when shown photos, my friends disagree. Plato and the world of ideas. Maybe my ideal woman is in that mess of things and that she is just a shadow of that ideal woman from that place beyond worlds. Even so, she is still the woman I love. Theoretically (if the world of forms actually existed or Jung's collective consciousness, or reincarnation actually looked possible).

A book once said to me, you're only in love with the girl if you can actually picture doing ordinary stuff with her. Maybe domestic stuff. And you enjoying it. The problem is, with an overactive imagination like mine, I could make my mind images do almost anything I want them to, especially in relationship stuff. Therefore, it is flawed in my case. Although, for this particular girl, I could imagine several years down the lane. Sigh.

And how do I know I'm in like with this person? Another friend asked me what exactly do you like about this person. The thing is...if she was someone I convinced myself to like, I would have readily available reasons. But for her, I don't know. I just don't know. People disagree, but to me, she seems the most beautiful girl in the world. It just seems right.