Yet another long while before I post again. Why do I keep posting these so late at night? I have no clue. I have a problem. Those who know me probably knows what it is. Or not.
I was at my company's Christmas party the other day. I went there with low expectations. First off, I did not have a date. Why? Read previous posts on trust issues. I simply CANNOT bring a friend to these things. Everybody else there, with the exception of a coworker whose wife insisted on staying with their 6 month old baby, was in a couple. Kind of threw me off a bit, but then again, I realized that I was there only for the food.
That made it all good. I could avoid the judging eyes and focus on the food. When the dancing started, I left after another co-op left with his fiancee.
I took the bus home. On the way home, I saw Jason. Was a coincidence. I wonder at how the world is so coincidental sometimes. But then again, chances of coincidences only increase when you get to know more people.
On the way home, I thought about what it was that was bugging me so much. I never really did find out.
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Ah, today's topic is: how do you turn a friend into a girlfriend. I believe the words of Student Bodies said it best: "What happens when you turn a friend into a girlfriend?" "One less friend."
But is that really true?
My friend Lisha says Friend-cest is wrong. However, she does agree it is easier for that to happen then an outright confession. And seriously, I think I've seen enough situations (from TV and real life) that it can really get awkward quick. And I doubt I want that. But is it better to stay in friend limbo?
And how do you do anything is the person on the other end is perpetually busy? It is hard enough as it is to get the person out for coffee, much less a movie. As well, physical distance is a problem. I don't have a car either.
Personally, I can't do anything. Not don't, but can't. My inability here is that I have a problem with rejection (which is a FAILURE. something which gifties do not tolerate. sigh. pathetic). Sometimes I wonder. Of course I hope that the person would like me. But my cynicism always pushes me back down to reality.
And this problem with signals. Mixed signals. Or I just don't know how to read them. Sigh.
Of course, my cynical side tells me to go for it. My idealistic side is silent, but wishes. My conscience pushes me to think of the consequences.
Ugh. So much thinking and so late at night makes my thinking hurt.
And seriously, there have been only 2 people I've ever met that I have been attracted to. One was nothing more than a physical infatuation (in my analysis). This recent one though...I hope it does not get analyzed out and not acted upon (but with my temperament as it is...it could lead to that, sigh).
My friends that know me accuses me of putting women on pedestals (or at least the women I like). I probably do. But at the same time, I realize that they're human. It's like having two different personalities with totally opposite personality traits. It is odd, but I fight a losing battle with myself everyday.
Ah. The soulmate. That perfect partner that Hollywood exist. While I don't doubt that there is a solution to this problem, the statistic odds alone would almost ensure that they do not exist. All you can do is look for someone similar enough and will be willing to put up with you and fantasize a bit to gloss over the dissimilar parts.
Is this infatuation based on loneliness? I doubt that. I've been alone for quite a while. This is nothing new. However, the two people share striking similarities in appearances (although my friends disagree). But to me they do. This could really be a mind trick? Perhaps, or is it something preordained. Something like Destiny, perhaps. Logical mind says no. Magic Eight Ball says uncertain.
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Haha. One of my friends, Christie, also read this blog recently and commented that I seem darker to her now. Probably true. I usually show my happy face to so many people that it is tiring sometimes to think about the seriousness of life. I mean, life is a game, but with real consequences. It is a world after all, that people sometimes take obscene amounts of time to escape from it using drugs, or at worst, suicide.
Upon saying that, I also admit that it is certainly at times, a very happy place. I dislike pushing my shit onto other people that don't deserve it. I'm not saying that my very close friends, who have seen both sides of me, deserve that shit either, but we also provide a service to each other: ranting booth.
This blog however, is not a happy place as of yet. It represents what I choose to present to the world that I do not present usually. They represent some of my innermost thoughts (which admittedly is open to the public, but which very few people ever read, because apparently, I freaking write novels (which is actually what I want to do if I ever want to get that book published)). When I become truly happy, on both sides of the shell, the tone of this blog will change. Until then, I will be a morose sad cretin of a creature, uncertain on how to proceed to the next step.
Damn it. I now sometimes regret what I did in highschool. It is true. "Of all the saddest words of paper and pen/the saddest are these/It might have been". Of course. Timing is a huge factor, and damn it if I don't have the luck to pull these off. That, or hindsight gets me.
Sometimes I wish I knew how to read minds. Then again, if you play the game using a cheat, it becomes meaningless. But damn my luck. My luck is good for almost all "useless" things, but never important stuff like these. Com'on, daddy needs a 7 for a girlfriend.
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Gratz to Introspector, who's getting a new blog. This guy is probably someone I would swap ideas with. Very interesting fellow, if he'd ever get off his chair and actually write. Although some of his ideas are too deep for me. Instrospected.blogspot.com. It will be on the link page soon.
Oh, and who are you farhan12345678. Snarky remarks only work if I know who you are. Or at least is only fun that way.
And if anyone can post some ideas on how do you actually approach a girl if she's constantly busy? And I don't think this is a piss-off signal. She's actually busy. So, any suggestions?
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1 comment:
Thanks for the comments David. Heh. Just read your blog. You have to leave a place for me to comment.
Yours seem a lot more philosophical then mine. Its like most people blog about their day. I inject mine with philosophy and psychology (analysis of myself at least) and yours is general philosophy an psychology. It's almost like a discusion in a philosophy course.
Personally, my thoughts on the whole relationship thing is someone really special. I've even commented on what type of person I would wish to start a relationship with. The problem lays in my next post. Read it =).
The whole thing about friend -> girlfriend is also listed in the next post. About risk and trying to minimize it.
The title? I could care less. But you see, in our society, it is a dual way street. A boyfriend has much more right socially and culturely to explore the girlfriend's connection with each other. Friends rarely have this bond.
A means to an end? Unless you mean the end to be with that person "until life ends"...sure (and I'm exposed as a closet idealistic romantic).
Alas, like you said, the problem is in the beginning. I feel like I'm in high school. All this dagger and cloak work that doesn't help. But you know what...it is the fear of rejection. After all, after you formally asked, she can say no and ruin it right there.
Heh Farhan...the problem is that I have someone in mind already. The problem is lack of mutual friends. But we do know each other. And consorting with an escort? Com'on. First off, my personality couldn't accept something like that anyways. If you knew me, you know that I could almost never do that (I say almost just because there's always the offchance that life would be that miserable I would accept it.)
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