Christmas

In a way, people long to feel special. People long to be loved. To not be lonely. We want to love because it is only then can we be loved back. People want to be loved because then we are 'unique'. We are no longer alone. People don't want to be reminded that they are insignificant. That they are replacable, disposable. That people are ultimately no better than animals. While some of us can be classified as 'extraordinary', would history remember them? We just want to preserve ourselves in at least a few people so that we can 'live' on in their memories.

Does this loneliness make us strong or weak? People have been talking incessantly about the strength of love, but doesn't that just mean we're weak when we're alone? I think the strongest people are the ones that can survive loneliness? Pretty much anyone can blossom in the view of others, but how many can blossom alone? Does it mean those that have love are not necessarily weak, but those that want love are weak indeed? It means that those that like love are strong enough but those that need it are desperate. In that case, I think I've been going about it the wrong way. While I think I can indeed survive loneliness, I do crave companionship. Does that mean I'm weak and desperate? I'll admit I'm weaker when I don't have my peers to give me drive. I will acknowledge that. But until then, I think I'll be quite comfortable alone. However, I doubt I'll accomplish as much.

So why am I typing this at Christmas? Because I'm not going out this entire holiday season it seems. Most people already have plans and I think most of us have grown apart. None of us need each other anymore. I think that's a good thing, even if it does make me feel a bit lonely and sad.

And now for another boring ranting section about what I think I want. It keeps changing, I guess, because of lack of resolution and the fact I haven't met her. You know what, because of my competetive spirit, I'd probably want a girl that would discuss things with me and have small little fights that won't escalate into something drastic. But I'm so shallow that appearance would have to be a factor, as well as being a bit adventurous and have the soul of an explorer. Intelligence would obviously need to be a factor, as I am definately impatient with people =/. But I can't start looking now. Right now, I can't seem to offer anything onto the table. As my friend said, I'll need to improve myself before I can even start looking. The current me has always been built for academic pursuits and thinking. I've invested no time into physical or social realm. This is probably the time for me to 'grow' into that direction.

About impatience, I just always seem to assume that a person has a similar knowledge base as I do. That may be why sometimes I get annoyed at ignorant people and why there is a gap between myself and my parents. They grew up in a time that's different than me, as well as having a knowledge base different from me. That is why although I love my parents, I don't really have anything in common with them. Unfortunate, but that's okay.

What does the future hold? I keep thinking that I wasted my life. Yet, if movies and TV shows are any judge, the world (in my opinion of course) would be a worse place if I was never born. But you know what, I'd have to think that in the course of total human history, I'm not very significant.

My wish I guess, is to have significant impact on history. Or a larger number of people. I could say that working as an engineer, I'd have a small impact on a large number of people. I'd like to have a more significant impact on a similar number of people. That is what my goal of being an author is about. But life will have to wait, because time will tie us differently, in fates and weaves that are unseen by our eyes, but felt with our entire bodies and souls.

Another Christmas have come and passed, but strangely I feel the same. I don't know what I feel. The passing of time is constant. Time ages all things, friendship, relationships, people. People just change and grow apart. Idle time just makes people grow apart rather than closer. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Maybe if it was a known short length of time. But otherwise, people just grow apart with absence. Rituals shared, events shared, and especially shared memories are what makes people grow closer. Because we are inherently made of memories, dreams and thought. That is why I love Robert Jordan's quote in the Wheel of TIme series, "Thought is the arrow of time, and memory never fades." It is later in life do we realize how true this is. Too bad we almost always learn our lessons too late in life. That is why I long for knowledge. Knowledge that will help us and shape us. I think that is why I always want to learn. If I had infinite time and the means to do so, I would be an eternal student. Too bad I don't have the means, unfrotunately. So I hope for the next best thing, to be important to many more people.