A lot like love.

I keep meaning to write in this blog, but I get distracted so easily, whether by games or movies or tv shows. WoW is certainly taking a chunk of my time, but I'm playing it in full force because it will be the first and last time I will play the game. This is because after this work term, I will no longer have the huge chunks of time required to devote myself to it. If you play it half-ass, it isn't worht playing.

So here I am, here to write again and express myself in a medium where stream of consciousness writing is not required, but efinately encouraged. Anyways, throughout the day, I kept on feeling tired. So, to counteract this, I've removed my computer monitor and keyboard and mouse from my deskt to next ot my bed (technically just a matress. students got to travel light) and right now I'm typing this post with my eyes closed lying on my bed. Ahh, those typing skills I got while playing so many MUDs kind of paid off.

So anyways, the title of this post. As you know from the previous post, I hardly feel anything about those two girls anymore. Here is my take on it. For me, the notion of love is difficult. Love is closely linked with trust. However, given my personality, I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt first. So how exactly do I find out if I like a person, or do I love a person? To me, who have rarely been able to confirm whether I feel one or the other, have developed a test to see if I like or love a girl.

It could be because of an infatuation that I'm attracted to a girl rather than actually caring for her for who she is. I may be building a fantasy in my mind and rather than actually looking at the real person behind the mask I have put on her, I am instead looking at her shadow or my interpretation of her rather than the real thing. So in order to test out if I really like a girl or am just infatuated with her, I check my feelings and go if I even think about her in a given day and if so, how many times. If that number is low, I bet it is just an example of infatuation.

Trying out that test, I realize that I have never truly liked a girl romantically in those criteria. Most of the time, I idolize a person and look at the image rather than the person. Heh, during a conversation (well msn anyways) she pointed this out to me. It was because I asked her to introduce me to some of her friends and somehow the converstaion degenerated into a point of why I would only want to meet hte pretty ones. She did verbally twist the words, but the intent was there. This is not true though. I really want to get to meet more people and their various viewpoints. I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt if they were pretty as well.

But you know what, these infatuations could just mean one thing: that I'm actually not in love with any person, but I'm in love with the idea of love. Heh, I guess I'm too much of a romantic at heart. This reminds me of a small story. Once, with a bunch of my engineering friends, we went out to eat and eventually settled down in a gelato store. While eating ice cream, the talk diverged from normal classroom stuff and went into a lament about the lack of girls in engineering. However, it must be noted that this discussion group had 3 girls and 7 guys in it. Eventually, we asked the girls about what each of our best traits were. For some, it was their cooking skills and for others, they said that he had no hope. When they turned to me, they said that I have "feelings". Haha. That is apparently my best trait. And they know this only because of the sappy music I listen to. But I can't help it, the slow ballads have just such interesting melodies that instill a sharp sense of nostalgia.

I'm falling asleep as I type this anyways. I wonder how good being in love with love is. Well, don't worry, I think that maybe my feelings will help me attract a gril and for once, I might actually like her in return.

Or maybe not, we shall see in the future. For nobody knows what the future holds, although we can pretty much guess.

Sweet dreams my dear Valkyrie.

And then there was...hey it's still there!

Sometimes you realize that you were not the same person you were a year ago. A year ago you were still pretty introverted and refusing to talk to people that you did not know. You were intimidated by new people, especially good looking girls. The awkwardness showed and no matter how rational the argument was, like you'll never see them again, didn't seem to work. After being afraid for so long, it is a wonder that you haven't snapped yet from the fear.

Then you realize something: They're more scared of you then you are of them.

I've always been a bit of an enigma. Extremely "nerdish" and yet competative as hell. I swear a lot (which is a habit I should try to kick). I drink (not to excess but at least I drink, mostly dark stuff. Bitterness is good). I would try to go out to most things I've been invited to.

People have 3 modes. They're either like, hate, or are apathetic about you. Most of the time, people are apathetic about you regardless of what you do because you only meet them once and that's it. You can do all sorts of crazy shit and they really can't call you out on it.

And with that attitude, I realize that I can now begin to talk to random people with almost no problem. After all, there's a very good chance I'll never meet them again. And besides, most people won't be scared of just a simple conversation. The hard part is to steer conversation to the topics you want to talk about though.

With that attitude, I realize a lot of things after talking to people. 1) People are idiots. It's true. Regardless of how smart you are in one subject, they're absolute idiots in others. I am knowledgable in many subjects, but get me on the topic of popular music, fashion or sports, and I'm relatively clueless. Talk about computer hardware, and I'm suddenly a guru. But what this means is that you can ask a relatively large amount of insightful questions before being termed an idiot. With this attitude, it means that a person can still not look like a fool even if they don't know the subject. Actually, it's probably expected that you don't know about every subject and it provides a point of conversation.

As well, I'm no longer really intimidated by pretty specimens of the opposite gender of the same species. This is probably because I also realized from the previous point that they're just people after all. They're idiots as well. All you have to do is realize that no matter what, girls are people too and you can treat them like people. Heh. It may sound stupid to you, readers, but to me this is a revelation. I don't know why I was even scared of them in the beginning. I have all sorts of theories, but I can't concretely prove it one way or another.

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Went to laserquest on Friday with Flora. It was a sort of AHS gettogether event. Seven bucks for 2 games was a very good deal. On the way there, I got introduce to a few of her friends. Damn, if I knew there was this many girls in AHS, I might have taken it regardless of the fact that I hate kin. But most of the really good looking ones were actually girlfriends of people from AHS. Damn fine. Anyways, it was fun. Didn't come first. Was in the middle of the pack for the two games. Then went out to eat with Flora. She was telling me about what people were saying about the Halloween party at Kent's and how everyone was surprised that I would be talking to the two girls (the ones that Kent invited. Read previous posts). I don't know why people would be surprised until I really look at myself a year ago. I guess this revelation happened sometime like 2 terms ago.
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So in the end, what the hell's wrong then? The fact is that although I can talk to them, I still feel that I am still a bit too immature for any relationships. Perhaps I'm being a bit too cautious, but I don't feel like I'm ready. In order to have a relationship, a person has to learn to trust and I have long since been past trusting anyone that I haven't known for a long time. This then evolves into the chicken and the egg dilenma.

Today, when Flora, Mei, Jason and I went out for wings today, we were discussing my current problem. You see, my company has an annual Christmas party and it is for myself and a guest. Should I invite anyone? I don't have anyone I really trust to invite. Nor do I really want to go alone and look like a 'loser'. Mei suggested girl A, who I knew relatively well as a friend, but I can see us no more beyond that. I had actually thought of girl B, but I didn't know her as well, and although I'd like to, I have to admit I was still a bit intimidated.

I had, for the past month, come from serious introspection that I don't really want a relationship right now, just to be 'cautious'. It is hard, especially for a person that has never 'failed' at anything before to just jump in. This I guess, is from the thinking that would I really want a relationship with this girl for athe long term? The answer is that I have no one in mind that I have such a trustworthy connection with at the moment. Heh, it kind of sounds like I'd like to be friends first before becoming a couple, yet I see no friends that I can see this really happening with. With girl A, there is nothing to talk about but academics between us. With girl B, there is more to talk about, but she is more heavily guarded emotionally and the fact that I don't know how to 'impress' her doesn't help. For a guy, I like to have plans, no matter how inadequate they are. And yet, no plan of mine can work because of my overthinking and cautious nature.

Jason, on the way home, even asked me why not girl A or girl B. For the reasons listed above, I an't see myself having such a great connection with A, and with B, I'm either getting mixed signals or I don't know how to interpret them. I'd like to see her a few more times to make sure, but that's rare enough as it is. At home, Edwin even messaged me with the message "try to flirt with everyone then u can get a date". I'm not that desperate Edwin. And besides, there is meaning to asking a girl to a Christmas party. It is hard to "just" ask a friend to go when the boundaries of friendship and something more is not clearly defined. Which is the case with these 2 girls. I guess it's not the rejection that I may receive but rather the ambiguity in the relationship I have with them.

And so here we are, in the realm of friendship. And guess what? That tiny sense of insecurity and hopelessness is still there. Albeit very small, but in this cold winter and the onset of darkness, the despair magnifies and its prescence can be felt. But it is still kept back by the fact that all people are idiots. Now if I can only convince my mind of that, I'd be set.
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P.S. Matt, I have no idea what screwed up. Sometimes, I just can't think of anything to write. That, or its too late at night when I do think of it.

Everyone, some new blog links are up. Blog of friends. Explore! =)

Something I found

Do we give up principles for love? or love for principles?
What exactly is the reason why we care so much about people?
Is there point to existence?
Is it better to give up on true love or to hopelessly persue it even if it would never happen?
Why are these questions unanswerable?

All these questions are from when i was 16. 5 Years later...they're still so mysterious and unsolvable. When will we ever understand?

Perhaps never.

Another Story

Well, since I haven't been posting for a while and the fact that I've neglected to post so much means that I should really keep up and write everything I want to write now. After all, who knows when the next time the WoW server crash will be?

So to continue from joined discontinuities, the Internet is really a place that is easy to interact with, but empty without the effort of human communication. It is not a place where people talk. It is a place where people lie, bullshit, brag, annoy, ..., express themselves in a way that they would not do in real life.

This was the 12th year of my highschool year. I guess it was the hormones talking, but I desperately wanted female companionship. After what I guess, would be called a unrequited infatuation, a "pining" if you will, I knew I basically had no chance at all. No matter what anyone says, better to live than to regret sounds easy in principle, but much harder to apply in real life. If nothing else, the gifted program has taught me to be afraid of failure. Almost like a phobia. Thus, for me to do anything that is permenant and may affect my future was nigh impossible.

By coincidence, I forget how (and the logs are buried in the midst of my old computer after a reformat), I was in a IRC channel talking about manga. At that time, I was still free enough to do stuff like just idle around and talk while playing a mud. I somehow was talking about an incident at school and somehow someone was commenting and asking about several points in my story. The person made some interesting points and I asked if the person knew the person I was talking about, which was James, a fairly well known figure in our school. So after that we started talking about James, which led us to just generally converse. She was a girl named Amy and went to a different school, but knew James through her Chinese school.

After a while, we started to talk to each other more frequently. Of course, it wasn't very personal. After all, they've always told us to try to be safe and anonymous on the Internet. So all we talked about was inane stuff that didn't really matter.

James somehow found out about it and thus people knew about it. But seriously, it never went beyond just talking, yet people referred to her as my internet girlfriend. I mean wtf? It was just talking. I've never even met the girl. So one day, we decided to meet, but being the young and stupid people we are, we involve other people. So I was at Pacific Mall kareoking with my friends while she was there to shop and have tea? (don't know for sure). And somehow James was part of our group at that time and was there too. So when he came in, he said "Kevin, Amy's out there." Since I was wondering where she was (since I've never met her), I rushed out, being the stupid idiot that I am. When I saw her, she was sitting with two of her other friends. I introduced myself, but then, because I guess of my inept social skills at that time, didn't have much to say to them but hi and bye. Must have looked like a freak.

Anyways. After that, we rarely talked again and now I've lost all contact with her after entering university.

Sigh. But was there anything to regret? I mean, nothing happend. I just lost a potential friend, that's all. Maybe a potential girlfriend, but that's getting ahead of ourselves. The only thing that was connecting us was our discussions on the Internet. But the Internet is not real life and never will be. It is good as a extension of communication, but if people don't see each other in real life, there will be no future, as friends or otherwise.

At least I guess, since people care for you so little on the Internet, at least most people out there won't give a rat's ass about you and hate you.

Still a damn kid at heart

I remember when I was a kid and envisioned what my life would be like at 21 years old. I could imagine the friends I'd make and the adventures I'll have once I was well established at university. Now, these adventures were never really well defined nor were they realistic, but they were something to look forward to.

And now at 21 years old. I find those images and dreams fleeting. They were remnants of an image of 'what could have been'. A life that would be, from a perspective from the here and now, that seems to be better.

But you know what? Just because it seems better does not mean that it is. You really don't know what you want in life until you've either achieved it or have lost it. To achieve something, you might cast it away. To lose something, you might regret it for the rest of your life. True, to love and lost is better than regret, but are we sure we want to love?

The fundamental question is this. What the hell does anybody actually want? Comfort? Love? Acceptance? Challenges? Achievements? It is hard to say really what anybody wants. That's because we really have no clue what we want.

In the end, all we've got are these foolish expectations and fanciful dreams. Yet we regret so many things that I'm surprised we aren't drowning from sorrow and guilt. Sometimes however, I can see why that sense of nostalgia grips me and why I yearn for those days when I could only dream of the future.

Within you, I lose myself. Without you, I find myself, wanting to be lost again.

I guess I'm still that ignorant little boy at heart.