Dancing on the Moon

Well, I'm liking my new schedule. Only classes on MWF, and nothing on tuesday or thursday. In order to pick up the slack, I joined the soccer and slo-pitch softball teams this term. Hopefully they would be fun.

Yup, I haven't been updating in a while. First from the end of exams, to no internet at home. It has been cool so far, and it seems that life won't be that bad.

For the past week though, I was pretty much out of it, and played Warcraft:DOTA for 2 consecutive days. However, I have since uninstalled it after I won one match. Hopefully, this would mean better grades for now.

Haven't done anything productive lately. I have stopped writing and I haven't even recorded any my dreams down. They're cool, in an adventurous type of way, but lately I haven't had the heart to write. No motivation again.
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Seriously though, what have I to be proud of? Do we even think marks or anything like that to be anything to be prideful about? How about money? I don't think unless you have a whole shitload of money like enough to buy out other companies that you have anything to be proud of. There's always someone bigger than you and force you to change if your dedicate yourself to money.

All I have is an ability to analysis, but not really to change. And a way to think about what it is for me to do something. Do I really want to do anything spectacular and win awards and stuff? No, those people achieve their status by a lot of sacrifice. A lot of sacrifice that I would not be able to handle. A lot of sacrifice I would not want to handle. Life is about being satisfied with what you have I think, and I think I'm pretty satisfied with what I have right now, even if it is not what I thought I had planned.

Planning. Plans never work in life. Life is a dynamic system, and almost always, your plan is set forth in a world that is no longer the same. What did I envision myself as I went into university?I certainly would not have envisioned my life as it is now. Meet a lot of people, did that. Learn something interesting, kind of did that. Meet the one person I cannot live without, no way. In this past few years, most of the learning was stuff that have little to no use in the real world, and because of that, crammable. It left me with a lot of time for self-reflection.

Gaming. It is to me, like what alcohol is to other people. It wastes time and slows down mental activity. I no longer care much about the outside world. It distracts me away from the ennui of life. But it is just a game. It furthers no purpose but to waste time. It also stops me from thinking too much.

Goals. I figured that by this time in university, I'd have an idea of what I wanted to do. Whether it was to work in the technical field, or to go and do research or to solve on of mankind's great problems, I thought I would know. But you know what, I have no clue. After co-op, I figured that while I like working sometimes, it is the learning that intrigues me, the models that one generates and fit into the whole like a giant working puzzle. However, I'm never interested enough to learn the equations or do anything useful with it. Another interest is to learn how people think. But sometimes, this is the hardest subject of all, because people can change and they can also lie to themselves. I just don't know what to do. Especially when real life is coming at me so soon. In a year. Granted, a lot can happen in a year, but somehow, I'm not that sure of it.

"...thought is the arrow of time, memory never fades". I love this small poem. Granted, it was written in a fantasy novel by Robert Jordan, but the idea is there. I don't know why I like it so much. I guess it might be because I always had a bad memory, be it for events, or stuff that happened, or people. Unless I have regular contact with them for a while, I usually forget them. It takes time for me to transfer short term memory to long term memory. That may be why I have so much trouble adjusting to people. I forget them so constantly.

Relationships. You know what? After a long debate with myself (the best kind actually. After all, I always win), I'd have to admit, I don't think I've like anyone before. Granted, I may be attracted to them, but to like them in the way of relationships may not be technically true. I think what I really do, is admire them, for different reasons. I don't like them, I admire them. Now, this might be taken the wrong way, that I'm saying this because I had no chance with them or that I never even tried. That is not it. In order for people to even go past the barrier of like to love or even from attraction to like, one must have shared experiences. After all, that is what a relationship is, a number of shared experiences and a desire to have more. I don't think I've had any shared experiences in that way. Or maybe I didn't notice and "missed the boat" so to speak. The end result is that I guess fate was against it. Call it what you will, but it takes that for strangers to accept one another, especially in a bond as time-consuming and strong as one in a relationship. And besides, while that person you feel is your favourite right now, there may be one that is your favourite another time. How exactly do we know that person is the person we can't live without? Maybe we don't ever know. Or maybe it is just about accepting the others 'deficiencies'. The fact is that I believe relationships are born of shared experiences. Now, isn't that a bummer that most of the stuff I do are so solitary. Not really I guess. I guess that's just who I am. What will be, will be. Que sera sera. I don't have any great ambitions. Isn't that weird in a world such as this?

Grandparents. What I do find funny though, is the fact that even my grandparents have pushed me towards dating. Ish. First my friends, then parents, now the grandparents. It's kind of funny actually. It's not like I have an aversion to it, but not many girls interest me. I seem to be able to spot what type of girls would not suit me and none of them seem to have my taste in music, hobbies or activities. Heh, I can't even envision the girl of my dreams right now. To solve a problem, you must at least have a clear picture of what that problem is, but as it stands, I have no clue what that problem looks like. Do I know what I want? Hardly, but I think I do know what I don't want. I can somehow see in my head what would go wrong if I went out with that girl, or that girl, or that girl. I have yet to meet someone that I can't see a problem with. Sigh.

Nostalgia. Sometimes, I have this nostalgia feeling coming from random sources. Once it was about a wedding ring. Another was about a meeting with someone that was very dear to me. But after a moment, the feeling fades. I don't know what triggers these feelings, but they were very... nostalgic, as if everything was right in the world. But the thing is that those events never occurred. I have certainly never been married before, and I don't have anyone that dear to me right now. But maybe they're a sign of things to come. If so, I wonder when it would be sometimes. Hopefully, it would be a happy moment? I place great emphasis on nostalgia. It is perhaps my favourite feeling.

Dreams. Sometimes I really think that my dreams are like a look into alternate universes. Sure I'm not the same person in it every time, and almost every universe is different, I'd love to be able to explore it. It gives me a sense of wonder that there are so many things dreamt of in my philosophy. I find it fun, like an adventure. Sometimes I find life too boring to comtemplate. I wonder if it is because I think too much and too hard. My friends would certainly say so.

I don't know. Maybe these things will pass as I grow older. I doubt it though. These types of problems just seem to get worse as we grow because we lose more time and we become desperate to finish our life goals. More often then not, we have to settle. Is that really alright, just to settle?

Hopefully.