Insomnia

I can't sleep.

I've been laying on my bed for 30 minutes, and I've just been staring at the darkened ceiling. It's now 4am if anyone's interested.

I don't know what to do. There are times when I want to work, but I am faced with so much uncertainty on how to start that I can never seem to get started. That I guess is my biggest hurdle. That and the motivation and passion needed to carry through a project.

Passion. I was at this Qualcomm presentation the other day. Everybody there, besides a few people like me, were there because they have interviews with Qualcomm the very next day. I, on the other hand, was just curious what they did. While the name Qualcomm instantly came to mind as an leading high tech company, I had no clue on what they did.

And I was told what they did. Turns out its basically a glorified mobile chipset company as well as a leader in getting wireless stuff to work. And there, they said they were looking for passionate people. It didn't matter to them what you were passionate to, as long as you were passionate about something, like electronics, or even something personal, like your girlfriend (or significant other, to be PC. I think I've been reading way too many webcomics with lesbians in it. And that's a good point, why are there so many webcomics with lesbians in it, even the ones with very good and complete storylines. One wonders.).

But I wonder. I mean, while you might be passionate in the beginning, people are fickle masters of their attention spans. Things tend to grow old and uninteresting until that passion fades. And another thing, in this world that we live in, how many people are truly passionate to what they do, which is possibly the most important thing that employers want to know about (I mean, what does being passionate to your girlfriend mean besides finding her incredibly attractive. I don't think that passion would be of much use in the workplace). How many people get jobs that they know they won't hate that would pay well enough for their lifestyle? Many people cut corners to get jobs that would satisfy both their work and personal lives. And most people that do end up with their dream jobs usually find problems with it after a while.

The movie Serendipity had a part where the protaganist's best friend wrote an obiturary for his best friend (morbid, heh). In it, he described what passion that the protaganist have in all his endeavors, whether it was in his writing (his job), his wife (his personal life) or his hobbies (his lifestyles). Passion is clearly a very important part of our livestyle, and yet, why are people so disappointing? More often then not, their passion are shams, something to hide behind. Most people's passion crumble after they are criticized for it. People that dreamed of being astronauts claim that they were childish dreams after they grow older. People that once wanted to be policemen to save innocent people now criticize and distrust the very order that they once wanted to belong to. People that wanted to be doctors now sue those that tried to save their lives to the best of their ability. People don't have passion nowadays; they're just very good at faking it.

I don't know what people want. I don't know what I want (after all, I am part of people, plural). Heh, maybe I am a tad depressing (a tad? maybe more then). But there are classifications of people:

Happy and always nice (no insults/swearing) - The nice one. After a while, you forget they're there. You treat these people like dirt and more like a tool.

Happy and sometimes insulting - Playful. They're always fun to be around. However, the happy part, more often than not, indicates trying to supress emotions, and that's never healthy.

Sad and always nice - A pushover. Hopefully friends would be able to cheer them up.

Sad and sometimes insulting - Rebel. More often than not, they're trying to draw attention by insulting people and not getting it. As well, sometimes, they see the world as what it is, which makes them slightly insane. This also makes them look intelligent by comparison and thus, complex. (I fit in this category. A rebel without a cause. How sad.)

Always insulting - Asshole.

Well, I do think too much about these things. How people think and all. Why do I fit in the rebel category? Because all the other positions are boring. I wouldn't want to be a pushover, asshole or a tool. Playful is nice, but supressing emotions and the like has never been my style. I lack discipline. I think my biggest problem is competance and the lack of it. My biggest pet peeve are people that claim competence in an area where they do not have said competence. I think that's my problem. Because the world is filled with them. While not all the people, they are the vast majority. Sometimes I want to scream "Stop the world, I want to get off!". But then I remember that there are so many things I haven't tried yet, and how much more life is "supposed" to offer me, and then I calm down a bit. Seriously, I think good food is one of the only reasons I'm still sane.

I should actually try to go to sleep again. I have an interview with Pitney Bowes tomorrow and I wouldn't want to pass out during the interview.