Wasting time is a drug.

Just sitting around. Doing nothing. While vital for some relaxation and allowing thoughts to sink in, most of us tend to overdo it. My weekends tend to be unusually sparse. One of the primary reason is because I keep just oversleeping and then, my afternoon and the rest of the day is unusually short.

I've been putting a lot of stuff on hold. It's because I'm in abeyance. Or purgatory. Or limbo. I'm stuck in between the state of doing something and starting. But at the same time, I'm afraid.

I'm of two minds about most things. I over-analyze stuff and I can see both sides of the equation. Cliche as that sounds, I do see other people's viewpoints. I am also overly sensitive to things too.

My primary concern about doing things right now is that I have a lot of options. I keep trying to increase these options so I can pick the most optimum one. At the same time, I kind of wish I didn't have any and that my entire life is semi-planned out. That way, at least I can know what I have to look forward to. This uncertainty is killing me.

I'm afraid of failure. Maybe I do need to fail sometimes in order to progress forward. This wasting time isn't helping me any.

I haven't done any of the goals I set half an year ago. My time just seem to fly away as I deal with the mediocrity of everyday life. I do need to do something. And soon. Back when my passion used to be mathematics, I did excellent things. Not outstanding, but at least excellent. Now, it's like I'm just another one of the washed out crowds.



Whine whine whine. Seriously, I've got to stop this. Ugh. at the same time, this is theurpeutic.

I think I'm a lot like Harvey Dent in a way. =/ Of course, a less confident one, but a more intelligent one.

For those that haven't seen it yet, Dr Horrible's Singalong blog is still up. It's a Joss Wheldon production and everyone should see it before it gets taken down. I'm not a huge fan of Joss Wheldon, but his tight storylines does make the ride go a lot better.

July

Bunch of things coming up. Camping and rafting. July + August.

Work's okay.

Been trying to learn Japanese. Taking its time. And I can't seem to keep to a schedule. Same with working out. Otherwise, life is good.

I think the reason that Magibon is popular, especially her silent videos, is because she smiles while staring at you. The appeal of a cute girl staring at you while smiling is undeniable.

Sound sometimes do detract. I am surprised at her age though. She does look 12.

And yeah. Random? out of Nowhere? Sure. Let's hope life is like that. No Reservations is certainly interesting.

Maybe I'll help Darrick move. I don't know yet.

Dreaming of her. ?When : Dream -> Reality.

It isn't usual for my dreams to e this vivid. Usually I can never catch anything but a glimpse of her. Her face seems to always change, but her essence remains the same. Yet, I think today I have the clearest picture of her yet.

It starts off kind of weird. First of all, she's the daughter of a man who has made millions selling his device on an infomercial. It was a device that's kind of like a blender, but has rubber attachments instead of blades. The device is primarily used to untangle pasta into flowing strands instead of clumps. It worked really well, and it sold for $40 dollars each.

Now, I forget where I met her, but her father was adamant and dead set against me dating his daughter. I think it was something about me that set him off. She however, seemed quite attracted to me somehow. I do not know why, so I'm kind of insecure about that. But do I ever love her. She's sweet, caring. Beautiful. She seems a bit distressed that her father doesn't like me, since she loves her father as well, but. We were making some type of food (I think it was onigiri, since we were making rice balls and covered up the rice with a bowl and plastic wrap). I had to run off for a while and when I came back, she was wrapping stuff up and gave me a stunning smile. My heart melted.

Her brother, who lives in the shadows of their father, is always trying opportunistic devices to try to garner attention and 'succeed'. However, he has never had a successful startup. His most recent invention is about ...actually, I don't remember. It was called some kind of monkey business thing. The last I heard at the patent office, one of the patent office clerks wants to invest his entire life savings into it.

I passed on the news and she seemed happy for her brother. My plans to impress her father seem to backfire, but she doesn't care. She's also kind of quirky (something about snakes? and the backseat of a car?), and for some reason, hates her ex. Well, in that sparse time between sleeping and waking, it seems there is a person (or at least a type, although I doubt I can ever reduce her to just a 'type') I'm extremely attracted to and love.

Who would have thought. Why did I have to wake up. =/

So many details.

A record of things that has passed

24 years.

I wonder what it was like. My teenage years wasn't planned. It wasn't geeky, overachieving, or popular. It was coasting.

I've been coasting through life.

Should I continue to coast? Or actually pedal? I would need a destination to pedal to. But if I just coast, I just coast down to the bottom of the hill.

So where should I pedal to?

I think this question has been asked way too many times. And I still haven't had a good answer for it.

The night breeze is nice. Sitting outside, in the dark, in a lounge chair...watching the moon float by in the sky.

Just wishing and wanting something, doesn't make it real, does it. But in our dreams, maybe we are connected, somehow. How do we change dreams, into reality?

Growing up

This will be one of those posts that sound whiny. Been forewarned.

So, thursday. Dodgeball. Fun. A bit rougher than I expected. Sore from some places from dodging, but overall, a pretty good day.

Friday was Xenia's b-day. It was a lot of fun. Great seeing Xenia letting loose. And can she drink =p. Kareoke for once wasn't that bad. Maybe because its not a whole bunch of guys this time. And the ladies do have very nice voices. I think Xenia has a great future just because of her personality. Two of the other people there only met her randomly, but are her friends just because of her 'bubbly' personality. I admire and respect those people that can pull it off so easily. And I did get to listen to some really lovely singers. Photos will be up on facebook.

Saturday, some of us met up with Edwin and his gf, and Tim, from Dentistry and who I met at Danny's wedding. Korean bbq and bowling. Had my best bowling game - 156. Was a fun time. I actually strongly approve of Donatta. I think Edwin and her look good together. I don't know. She seems to make Edwin more open, and that's a good thing. When we were about to leave, saw Terry and them. Just chatted a bit. Good times.

Sunday. Cleaning. Not much to say.

And this has been one of the more interesting and 'happening' weeks in a while. I must admit though that my goal of change and stuff hasn't been fulfilled. I have been quite behind on my tasks. There is no excuse. After watching 'Waiting...', I realize that some of my actions are half-assed. Yet, one of my biggest problems is that I lose motivation as long as it's not night or I'm not in a self-reflecting mood.

I guess it's time for me to grow up. Stop feeling sorry for everyone and everything. I don't take enough risks. Even though I'm becoming more active, I have done little to improve my life. At least my wardrobe is getting better, courtesy of my sister.

Anyways, photos will be up soon.

Good night, sweet dreams, and maybe in our dreams will we meet.