Tuesday, January 31, 2006

5 minutes to spare

Sangwoo is next to me and he comments how many times I yell at him. I guess I do have a bad temper. Especially when people are slow. That's why I'm not that great at groupwork I guess.

I got 5 minutes to burn, and I'm spending it here typing nonsensical messages.

I bet you feel that you wasted the past 1 minute of your life. I would probably agree.

Now I leave to go to the technical seminar. Insightful posts will have to come later. =)


Yup, my schedule is once again screwed up.

Let see, after class today (which I slept half way through), went straight to bed and just slept. There were two incidents where I was woken up and lost my temper, but I fell back asleep quite quickly. Woke up at 2 am. But that's 9 hours of solid sleep, even though I'm hungry.

I guess the sleep was worth it becaues I had a really interesting dream. Wish I could remember it though. It was one of those epic ones with a goal and a journey and all sorts of twists. Feels like several months instead of one night. It was still set in the otome universe I believe. Except this time there is a whole bunch of battles. Very interesting, even though I can't recall it.

Oh well. TIme to get back to work.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Chinese New Year

Boring as hell. That's what I'd describe yesterday's New Year performance. Without further ado, Happy Chinese New Year. Hopefully.

I went to Waterloo's 3 mandarin clubs put on a show at Fed Hall. It was disorganized, not well managed in terms of time, and the exhibits weren't really awestriking. Instead, I fell asleep through over half of them, giving me a whole 2 hour nap.

Haven't done much lately, in terms of anything. Academically, socially, physically. All aspects seem to be at a standstill. I need another motivating force. One of them is coming up soon, that being midterms.

I joined facebook. Added 2 photo albums, or photos I had laying around. I'll add more if it is well received, but I doubt many people have even joined facebook.

Oh well. Made a shephard's pie today. Not very good. But then again, shepard's pie usually isn't very good. At least its filling.

Back to trying to do work.

Read on only if you're seriously bored. Or want to know more about dreams. Or just like storylines

So anyways, you can say dreams are the unconscious manifestations of things you have seen during that day. Technically, with my recent lack of reading fiction and stories, it is really evident because it usually reflects what I had seen the day before. Today was no different, except the scope of the dream is much more advanced than most.

It is set in the world of Mai Otome. Yes, it was an anime I was watching because I was bored. Basically, the world has special female soldiers that have special nanomachines in them. However, when they have any form of sexual contact with males, the nanomachines breakdown, making them unable to have sexual relations with males. After that, there is a fusion of ideas, from books such as Deception Point and Digital Fortress by Dan Brown. Their organization is huge, based upon secrecy and spying. In order to create the next generation of Otomes, they abduct males, extract their semen and then artificially create more otomes using the otomes as artificial breeding grounds. Now, the problem is that these males can't be said to have had relations with otomes, and thus they are returned to Earth in secret locations. The Otomes live in a seperate dimension. They are connected to this world through gates. However, one day, it goes seriously wrong, as the gates seem to be malfunctioning. The dimension that they live in seem to be collpasing in some parts and destroyed in other parts. It seems like a computer virus has been lurking in the computer that operates this dimensional world. It is a swap, fix and destroy virus and thus the dimension is unstable. The head of security of the otomes, which is a male (all the staff positions are males, special ones that are basically the spiritual lovers of the otomes) seem to figure out that this is a virus and sets out to destroy the dimensional barrier to return the otome's world back to Earth in order to stop the collapse.

It ends there. But yeah, weird that I can remember so much detail of it. And there was another one the day before too, but that has no links I can see to anything I watch/did that day. It involved an island with two set bridges, similar to the bridge in London (with the two story bridge?). The one that was being worked on was named "something a la Trois Fauchard" or something like that. There's this whole other storyline about how my workers kept on disappearing and eventually it was found out that the word Punjab in this country meant male genitals and somehow that was an obscene word and they were sent to jail. Really weird too.

Ever wonder why I don't have normal dreams? I'm not normal. Which is probably a good thing.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Darren Syndrome

Omg! I developed Darren Syndrome.

Darren syndrome is the name I've given to procrastination in honor of my friend, Darren Cheung, who can procrastinate in the worst of conditions.

So what has happened since thursday.


Yup. Absolutely nothing.

Friday and saturday was spent playing games. Dota actually. Did no work. The reason: I didn't want to do it. Not that I had anything better to do. Labs were due later and later and I could finish everything easily.

I was supposed to do some cooking this weekend, but I never got around to it. I did harvest the ingrediants I need by preparing them ahead of time. Soon I can make yorkshire pudding and a cream of chicken pie next week. This weekend though, my shepard's pie failed to materialize. Instead, I just cooked some chicken thighs that I brined in a solution of soy sauce and chicken broth that tasted awesome. The skin was a bit overburnt though.

Yup, cooking is my newest hobby. However, I can't say I really succeed yet until I actually do everything efficiently. As of now, I keep putting stuff off.

Labs were boring. My sleeping schedule is still kinda messed up. I haven't thought about anything recently. Fourth year design project is due soon. I haven't pined for a while (which is probably a good thing). But right now, probably from the effect of good food, I feel better than I have for a while. Although I still need a great work to focus on, it is a good start. Food isn't something I can focus on though. I like it, but I doubt I can be THAT interested in it. Girls isn't a topic I can focus like that either, although focusing on one individual girl may be more like me. But if I just focus on the girl, I'd be a pretty boring person, eh? But I just can't find any hobbies or clubs that I really want in with. A complement would be good. Too bad it is so hard to find.

To be the best of anything seems to be a long road unless you have the passion for it. Maybe instead of something absolute like the sciences, I should turn to the relative, like family or just friends. Right now though, I still want to dream.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Woo...too busy to think.

Most people think this is a bad thing. But sometimes, it takes place of the distractions that serve as the necessary buffer between reality and yourself. I'm not caught up in work yet, but that is a matter of time.

I have been suffering a lot from lack of sleep and irregular sleeping schedules. I may have my first ever headache! I don't think I've really had one before.

Today was the symposium for Fourth Year Design Projects for the Electrical and Computer Department. It shows how much work I'll have to do and basically how much I don't know right now.

Also was the night of a dinner party hosted by Matt Ho. Interesting bunch and crowd. It's a damn shame that he's fed up with electrical and went to computer engineering instead.

Wee to no thinking. But this is only a temporary respite. That's a good thing.

Also just discovered DC++ or direct connect ++. Used to be a pretty ineffective way of searching but a first year with sympatico made a new hub based on the UW resnet LAN network. Woo....lots of stuff to watch. This is a bad thing. I already finished a season of family guy and all the new episodes. Although... this means I don't lose my connection from downloading externally.

Soon I'll start thinking again. For now, I'll be in a state of euphoria. In a bit, I may be wallowing in my uselessness. But the timing! the timing!

To sleep!


Wednesday, January 11, 2006

On Stupidity

Hmm. On stupidity.

I've always been a shy person. Sure, you may see me as an enthusastic nerd, but seriously, that's a facade I put up. Sometimes I wish that the entire world would just die. Of course, this usually comes up only when I'm feeling in a very very bad mood. Usually I just wish that the entire world would fall sick =p. Of course, I don't mean any of that, but I doubt I ever show any of this stuff unless a person knows me well.

So anyways, because I doubt anyone is going to read this whole thing, I will not relate a story. On self-stupidity and the fact that history repeats itself. Let's see. As read in my previous histories, I was kinda naive. Also, it wasn't until high school that I started to like a girl. Before that, I had noticed them, I can't say I liked them in any particular way. I, being the fool that I am, am very susceptible to peer pressure. Our junior high prom was held at a small convention center up north. At that time, high school was going to be the next big thing. And somehow, having a relationship was like a new way for admission into the adult world. And of course, to begin a relationship, you have to like a person first. A prospect you may say.

So of course, when cornered, I'd be an idiot. Let see, first of all, I was cornered by let see, one of my friends. When I answered that I had no one, they didn't believe me. These people had known me since grade 4, which was approximately 5 years. Even then though, they still did not know what I was thinking. I guess I was a weird kid back then. I still am according to most people. So when I answered no one, they did not really believe me. But back then, I really had not really met anyone I'd really be interested in it. Anyways, after being pressured for all of fifteen minutes, I just blurted out a name just to get them off my back. Seeing their faces were pretty funny. But then they just accepted it. And I was not bothered again. (on a side note, the name I blurted out actually caused people to pause. now, I know why of course. Of course, I could have imagined that look of dismay on one of my best friend's faces...but I don't think so =P)

Subconsciously, I probably had a routine that goes if I'm ever confronted like this again, I'd just randomly blurt out names. The whole history repeats itself? What happens when the girl you like asks who do you like? It's called randomly blurt out time again! So the girl thinks I like some other girl. This is not good. How to fix this? Will time just allow this stupidity to be forgotten? Worse, the girl I blurted out became unavailable soon after I stated it. It might look like I'm switching midstream, but I must admit that the name I blurted out was of category 2: Someone that I could make myself like. Of course, it never reached that stage of liking, similar to what happened with Sharalyn. Haha, she was similar to a surrogate sister. The problem, it still looks damn bad. This did happen quite a time ago, but just surfaced in my head just now. Sometimes I think I'm stupid to the extreme. Sigh. Sometimes I think that nothing good can come of my luck. My luck has always been good for academics and conviniences. Never for love or money. Granted, I've only used my luck on love like...never (it doesn't count if you don't try for it), and for money....the lottery has statistical odds so low that even my luck won't help it.

Why a surrogate sister? I don't know, I was never too close to my sister. But then again, I was never that close to my parents. I love my parents and my sister, but what does it mean to really know them? To predict what they will do given a situation? Their motivations and goals in life? All I know is that they love me and I love them. But to say that we don't have secrets would be a lie. I can't talk to my parents openly. My marks for example, have never been up for discussion. While they will pry, they will never coerce me to telling them. And I won't tell them. Because I am actually disappointed with myself sometimes. Recently, I've started to confide to my family a bit more. That's probably a good thing. Of course, probably because of the culture shock, my parents and I have different values and different means of communication. I just can't always tell them everything. At least I talk to my sister a bit more, but even then, I have to admit that we think very differently. I don't know, I am a very closely guarded person. And yet, even now, I write in this blog almost everything I think about. Why can I do this? Because I could say I don't give two shits about the opinion of the readers. But really, its more like this information can't hurt me if you use it against me. As long as I admit it to myself, information can't hurt. And this method of writing is an outlet for me to express myself and allow this torrent of words flow out.

Oh...a funny thing that I never knew before. Apparently, my parents (my mother especially) had a warning about not dating before the third year in university. I actually thought that they didn't want me to start dating until I finished university or high school. That was because I think they thought that dating would actually caused my studies to go down. I don't know, they have been nosy in the past though. Always asking me about this topic. It's like, if you had a gf, you shouldn't be ashamed of it. We won't be mad at you. Somehow, I sometimes think that they think I'm gay. I'm pretty sure I'm not though. My roommates....now those are curious cases. =p. And apparently, the time that I was "allowed" (not that I wasn't allowed before, it was just more of an approval thing) to start dating was this year. Whoope dee do. Although I've never been in a relationship before, so I'm not sure if that's because I'm a loyal son or the fact that I've never met that someone or of course the always popular 3rd option (I'm not good looking! woo.). But whatever, I'm pretty sure they'd approve of anyone that I like. They're wonderful like that. In this regard, they trust me to do the right thing for myself and allow me to make my own choices. I guess I'm very lucky.

And I still don't know who reads this. Haha, I think the girl in question might actually read this. It's not like I have anything to hide though. Sigh. Maybe I should be more mysterious, like an enigma. Meh, I'm already so eccentric I'm an enigma. =) But seriously, apparently there are people that read this and leave no comments. Hopefully this has been interesting to the audience in question and help you understand my chaotic mind.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Everyday and someone's gotta remind me of how pitiful this sounds.

Yup. People always turn to me and go, "just do it already. stupid Kevin".

Too difficult.

Time, place, location and circumstance.

Damn it, why must it be so difficult.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

New School Term

Today is the beginning of the new school term. And I can't seem to fall asleep for some reason. I'm just going to do communications homework I guess.

And the no game ban until weekend is now in effect.

Sigh. Sometimes I look back and wonder how much I spent on video games. I guess our entire society is based on the fact that we strive to distract ourselves from how little our lives mean.

Here's a little exercise. Try to visualize the person you are 'chasing'. Can you visualize? Apparently, I can do it 50% of the time. That I guess is good. But I wonder if I'm prizing the goal more than the journey. Or what it represents. According to ANTH 102 (I started reading ahead!), its like it was something done to accomplish in order to go into the next age bracket. I doubt it is that simple because I can't seem to get her out of my mind (unless I'm distracted like mad, ie. gaming).

Anyways. Eating frosted flakes right now. Delicious at 3:00 in the morning. Going to do Communications HW and see if I can sleep.

Monday, January 02, 2006

New Year 2006

Can't say much. First off, the first day of the new year has not been good to me. First off, something was wrong with certain equipment I was using, and it busted. Bad bad bad. Then, after blowing off a free lunch from a family friend to get to Waterloo, I missed the bus, the subway car and missed the fast greyhound bus leading directly to Waterloo. After that though, it was alright. Ammon came and helped me move my stuff. Thanks. Without Ammon, I probably couldn't move most of the crap to the room.

Took 2 hours to unpack. It's certainly different when you don't have parents to help you move. And after my new philosophy of throwing out crap I don't need, unpacking wasn't necessarily fun, but there was a sense of accomplishment in finishing it. Maybe I'm understanding more now that I actually did it. But yeah, unlike previous years/terms, I know exactly where everything is and what I need, etc etc. It's almost gotten to the point that I hope school would start soon. Almost.

Although there is a sense of competition there I lack. And thus, the resolutions:
1. Not game except on weekends or designated times. Unless of course everything is done.
2. Actively go to the gym at least twice a week (this is iffy. Probably take it down to once a week?)
3. Read stuff ahead of time (I haven't done this since HS. high time I restarted).
4. not make messes and clean up stuff to organized status.
5. at least study at DC once a week. (this is in part because of JC's comment about DC and eye candy).
6. Complete assignments ahead of time by at least a day.
7. Sleep early (maybe when I force my computer to shut off)

Ah...it is interesting that most of these resolutions are academic based isn't it. Not really. I can't do jack shit about the other aspects of life. This is a good compromise.

Oh. My friend recently also said that I overthink and don't do anything about it. He commends me on identifying the issues but not fixing them. To that, I say change has to be willing, otherwise it is useless. And there's a limit to the amount of change that a person can accept to his or her personality before it is bent into something unidentifiable. It is tiring to force yourself to change when you are unwilling, even when it is something as simply as pretending to be roleplaying something you're not, just to live up to expectations.

Meh. He calls me too negative. Certain people comment that I'm too positive (only for academics though). I like to call it realism. Even though I hope for the best, I expect the worse. Besides, he makes weird noises and 4 word 1 liners. Of course, his opinion can be discounted. =P

Seriously, won won won won won is not funny. It's just damn annoying.