Monday, December 24, 2007

The world is too small for us.

Is our world too small for us?

Each of us live in our own little realities, with our individual perceptions and ideas. Our worlds collide only when we interact and socialize with each other. At other times, we live in our own little world, full of our own cares and worries, our own wants and desires.

Sometimes, I wonder how we become the people we are. We, as a species, are inherently selfish and base. To break free of this nature takes supreme effort and will. Most people never get that far. Most people can't see to infinity, much less beyond. We are too self-satisfied and smug in what we have at present, then to strive for something beyond which we call this life.

Our world is truly too small. For the world of reality is seemingly limited while the world of dreams and spirit is limitless and expansive. And yet, unless we share that world of dreams and spirit, it is a dead world to anyone but yourself. This is what I mean by being self-satisfied. Unless we share to others the world that we live in, we are nothing more than a closed box, like coffins all in a row, sitting in a limitless mausoleum, waiting for cremation. Until our life string becomes taut, and snaps. But some people can break free of that potter's coffin, and help others open their coffins. By creating (which includes socializing), we share with others, the world that we perceive, and help expand their world a little bit more.

Yet, most of us can never reach the potential that is locked within us in our little coffins. A great many others are satisfied with their own little corner of the world. This is not the way to become great. And that is what I wish to be, a great. It does not matter what type of great I would become, but I feel that I must become great, or my own little world is doomed. From mediocrity or the dreariness that which we call our life.

Dreams are amazing. They take you to limitless places, abstract concepts that may shock the real world. But the act of creation, the whole story building process, is something that sparks our lives into something real, and puts the rest of our life into perspective. While I don't think I can publish my latest dream here, the tension within the story was so tight, that I could see it performed on the silver screen. Except that it would be rated R. Too much violence and sex. It was cyberpunk, what can I say?

Well, maybe this will spark me into longer and larger forays into my personal world of dreams, in order to bring something back to show you. This way, a seed of ideas may grow, and thus, transform the dead world of selfish dreams, to the living world of shared experiences.

I'm sorry if this post was much more verbose than necessary. But I found it fun to write, even if it is hell for the reader to read. =p

Till the next time I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Ugh failed.

You know what? This is hard.

It was going quite well too. Yesterday, I solved two issues at work. Got to talk a bit more. Then actually got her to agree to have lunch at this sushi place I actually do want to try out (been raved about by the Toronto Star and chowhound). However, since she was quite busy over the holidays, (including a trip to the states), she didn't know when she'd have time. She said that why don't we discuss this tomorrow.

So, I thought, woohoo!

Life doesn't work that way. Today, I woke up late. My LCD wiper for my camera broke. Then had a slow start after forgetting my Iron Ring to wear. Yesterday I wasn't wearing my Iron Ring or my watch. Today, after wearing it, it seemed all my luck drained out.

2 more issues popped up at work. Turns out it was just the resolution of the problem from yesterday and a misunderstanding. However, because of the misunderstanding, an email was sent out that made me look incompetent. Even though I made the mistake, I also resolved it, yet someone else gets all the credit, and makes me look like a fool. And some of my tests take so long to resolve I still don't know if it is a problem or not.

And she wasn't responding much to instant messages either. Maybe she was quite busy. She is trying to get most of the work done before the holidays start. And she works at other places on Friday and Saturday. But who knows. Ugh. At 3 oclock, she tells me that she's going out from 4 to 8 to do some personal errand, than return at 8 to finish some more work.

Since I can only hang out after I'm done work, that's around 6:30 or 7. However, because I also had plans after 7, it meant I had to leave. But staying beyond 7 would be out of character for me. So, all I could do was sent her an email giving my contact info and to contact me if she still wants to try out that restaurant. I don't even know if she'd check her email when she comes back at 8.

Ugh. Maybe this is too much? But I mean, it was just a question about whether she was available for lunch, and when. And a season's greetings? So that shouldn't be too bad right? It was polite and to the point. But email! So impersonal! What was I thinking? But I couldn't go over to where she works at 4 in the afternoon! I have no reason to be there. If it's 7, at least I can inquire whether my friend is heading home or not. But I mean, going there when she's busy seems a bit too stalker-y for my taste.

UGH! I don't know. Sometimes I wonder about whether this is the right move or not. I know next to nothing about her. Ha. I don't even know how old she is, or whether she is single or not. Sometimes I wonder if she's actually a lot older than I am (maybe even +6 years?). Honestly, I don't know at all. Maybe, maybe not? Time will tell I guess. Maybe I'm too immature? Sigh. This is going nowhere.

Well, I hope I get an email or a phone call.

And where's my blasted Wii??? It was supposed to have been shipped on Monday! 3-5 days. Yeah, right.

Till I see you in my dreams, my dear Valkyrie.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

ATI Party

So anyways, went to the AMD party. Woke up at 2, and spent some time looking at stuff online before starting to get ready at 4. The party started at 5, but I didn't want to bother getting there on time. After all, I wasn't bringing anyone and I felt that it would be easy to get there.

It was. And it wasn't.

It is physically a close distance in terms of how to get there. It's Warden and Hwy 7. So I could just go up Don Mills and then cross Hwy 7.

But I didn't count on the snowstorm. So, it means I had to stop a lot and my brakes aren't the best in snow. So therefore, I thought of going to the Hwy 404 and just drive up. Less stopping and less risk that way. So I did that. However, there was still a traffic jam, and no one was going faster than 70 on the highway. It's all good though. I still got there the earliest from my table.

Darren, his date and other table guests arrived later. Thanesh didn't come in until much much later. The food wasn't bad, but it was not the greatest. I can definitely say that I could have gotten much better food for less than half the price. The decor was nice, but it was the traditional office Christmas party theme. Same schedule, so very ordinary.

Thanesh's guest was Grace. Grace and Thanesh was actually in my year at Waterloo for Comp Eng. But I actually never met her before today. I met Thanesh for the first time right before I started at AMD. It was like that for off-stream people I guess. Grace works at TD in a developer role, and I thought that was interesting because it was a field that I would have wanted to work in. Seems a lot more 'relaxed' than the high strung technology companies where the latest and greatest are the things that generate profits.

So I talked to them quite a bit, since Darren and the other people disappeared quite often and I didn't get a rapport with some of the other dinner guests. Mainly because they looked like middle-aged ladies. My estimate would be 27+ (29?32?) office ladies sort. Nothing to say to these people. But I did get rapport with one of the other guests. Very interesting, in that we had similar interests, even if our backgrounds differ quite a bit. She was certainly cute, although I would say in a different way than most. Probably the fact that the first time I saw her, her facial structure resembled a doll then anything else. Seemed quite delicate actually. But interesting. Talked quite a bit, but as I don't have much experience deciphering reactions, I can't tell if she's only being polite or actually interested. At one point, I guess we were leaning in or something, she looked so kissable. I chalked this up to natural male reaction. Another infatuation? I don't know. She someone I would really like to get to know better. It's almost if she's my mirror image. The same natural curiosity, but reversed. If you know my interests, it is like coming at a solution from the totally opposite angle, but a still valid solution.

But like any other analysis, I hate myself for it, but I see quite a few problems. First of all, our different cultural backgrounds. I'm more of a mongrel than anything else, picking up pieces of culture and norms from a variety of sources, from HK to Canada to Western culture to things I read. And my principles and morals are strong in my opinion. Which is strange, because usually people with that kind of high-handedness usually have some kind of religious belief, which I am quite against. Her, on the other hand, seemed to have grew up in Taiwan, and moved here only for HS. Ha, I don't even know how old she is. I think she's actually a little older than me I think. It's so hard to say, sometimes. Language is definitely a problem, even if we both can passingly communicate in English. Two big problems, no real solutions besides learning Chinese I guess. Sigh.

Well, also the whole inferiority complex I have. I know I don't have the best body or the best physical attributes. I think I'm passable, even if I'm not 'hot'. Whereas, she seemed almost like a princess. Delicate. Oh well, enough sulking. We'll see what happens. Most likely nothing, and could be a whole illusion from the alcohol, even though that's completely untrue (mainly because I know my exact mindset this evening). I just have to make sure there's 'opportunities' and I don't put her on a pedestal. (I agree with Matt, this is a common problem amongst guys). Time is something we all have. Just have to find the best use of it.

Anyways, I guess I should go sleep. That's enough revelations and unburdening. This has definitely been a good night. Until I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Can't sleep

Ugh. I can't sleep.

It's 1 in the morning and I was feeling pretty tired at 9. Now I'm awake though, and can't seem to sleep.

On a side note, I waste a lot of food. Spoilage is actually a high casualty, because my mother is overprotective and I keep forgetting about stuff. She prepares too much, whereas I hate being bound without choice and convenience. More often than not, something spoils because I have totally forgot about it. I like to say its not my fault, mainly because I wasn't part of the preparation process, how would I remember about it. I keep track of what I make and what I have left. But if someone else does it for me, without my input, it will spoil.


Right now, I'm hoping I can sleep, so that I can actually get a good night's sleep for once.

Until I see you in my dream, my Valkyrie.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Time flies

Is it half way through December already? It's been a mess of things and time just keeps flowing by.

I've been feeling less and less energetic recently, mainly because I don't like cleaning up. I've been staying in bed until I'm hungry, and then getting up, making food, then get back into bed. It's a very slovenly lifestyle, but its the first weekend I've done something like that. I didn't even feel like working at all.

The very thought of being a consumer nauseates me. Consumers are the enemy. They are the mindless masses that just consumes. In order to rise up, we have to create, and I have done precious little of it. And yet, I can't get myself to do it. It's sad.

Oh well. Sigh.


May I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.