Sunday, January 25, 2009


I make no pretense that I am a self-centered individual. Everyone is self-centered to an extent. After all, our very relationship with other people is based on the needs of your self. Maybe they don't admit it. Whether it is a need for status, security, material gain or something less defined..........I guess I'm rationalizing.

I don't know what to think anymore. I'm soon turning 25. Quarter century crisis indeed.

I don't know what to do or what I want.

This is just me ranting now. =/

TFSA application on questtrade still not done because I'm still looking at the review. It isn't looking that great right now.

And I am annoyed at the bastard that dented my car and killed my tail light while I was parked. Ugh. You cost me 300 dollars.

I should do a panorama of Western TO by the hill next to Joe's house at sunset.

Bought a jacket at Tristan. Looks nice.

Oh well, back to SC studying. English is tricky.

Sunday, January 18, 2009


I have no life goals.

I don't know what I look like to other people. Some of the people I talk to online have told me I have the thoughts of a older person. Others that I have met told me I act more like a 28 year old (although that was because I met them only once or twice). Is it the rule that in our early twenties, we waste our time like it is not important? The searching, yearning and questing for the truth at my age seems to be a common pastime. However, the problem is that other people are actually doing something about it.

A friend of mine, after being dumped, is refocusing his efforts not on his love life, but on his new online business. Besides working a 9-6 job, he's using his free time to research and create infrastructure for his retail store. Another friend of mind already spent the better part of a year creating his business and is about to make his first big sale in his consulting business.

What do I have? I have accomplished nothing in my past 7 years. The last award I won was in 2001. Is that who I am? Someone whose identity is defined by award and achievements recognized by others?

Lisha points out the conundrum in my thinking. If I'm as self-reliant as they say, I should not care about the opinions of others. At the same time, I have no real measure of achievement or success without those same opinions. Technically, while I can live by myself and be content, it is boredom that strikes me the hardest. And the most interesting thing I've ever encountered is another person.

It is the mind of another person that holds the most mystery. After all, we don't know what or how other people think. Can we really predict the actions of our friends and acquaintances? I like certain TV shows and magazines because they give me a glimpse of understanding on how other people think.

Still, this does not solve my problem of what I want. What do I want really? To be happy? Famous? Love? Someone thought I'm desperate for a gf. If I really was, I'd do much more than being limited by my indecision and my inaction. If it can't even overcome my ennui, than I am not desperate enough. Another person has called me twisted. Perhaps. But it the unconventional that brings with it the most rewards, even as it brings it the most hardships. I don't know. The path of least resistance is just going along with my job. The second most is studying GMATs. The third most is to refocus. I think I'll go with GMATs for now.

That's my decision thus far, anyways.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


I've always placed being self-reliant as a very important goal to myself. That is followed by efficiency, achieving as much as I can, and having as many options as I can for myself.

This could be the reason why I've never actually felt that I need a relationship to complete myself.

Sure I could say that a relationship is the easiest way to be somebody special in someone's eyes, but do I really need validation from another human being to be who I am? I never believed I did, especially since one of my goals is being self-reliant.

So it's not a big surprise for me that I haven't had a serious relationship ever. I don't know what I want or need. Beyond the physical aspect of it, I suppose there's not much more than being a very close friend. According to someone, it could be that I just have never experienced that sense of connection and self-fulfillment that a relationship brings. She sounds like a drug dealer. I don't know if I can trust her...

What are my long term goals? I am a survivalist. I'm pretty sure I can handle myself in any situation, at least any situation that would crop up in daily life. For family or relationship issues, those can wait for now I guess. I really don't know what I want. I have a stable job, relative freedom, no rent, friends, family. What more could I want?

Sure, I'd like a "seasoned partner of life" (haha. Love Hina scanlation reference.), but I can do without it for now. What I'm missing is someone to share memories, interests and time with. The problem is that I think it'd be too much trouble right now. The problem being the irrationality of emotions, the fact that I like to drift back to nostalgia much more than any new thing, and the whole losing memory thing, really kills any chance of this.

Plus for the fact that I hate doing anything 'wrong' (incorrectly, not morally wrong.), and the fact I can imagine the consequences really makes me a killjoy.

Maybe I really should take a photography course.


Sent out the stuff I needed to. Paid bills. Relative freedom.

Going to take the GMAT in July.

I don't get why people wouldn't like photos on facebook, even if its just a picture of them as a couple. Seriously, are you that ashamed of your potential mate? Or just ashamed of the picture in general?

I don't believe that I ever regret any thing I've done. I've regret stuff that I haven't done, but not stuff that I did do. Oh well, different opinions I guess.

People are so scared and they'd like privacy and the like. I almost want to say, who'd stalk you? But that's mean. Likewise, with the facebook photos. It's not like its a tagged picture. I don't get it, but sure.

I guess I'm just not as important that privacy is such a huge concern for me.

Friday, January 09, 2009


Anger at United Airlines. Sure I understand that you need to keep your security, but changing a name on a Mileage Plus account shouldn't require formal writing.

Annoyed at Lenovo. Give me a decent battery, not this crap that has a lower AH value than my original one.

Happy at getting a Speedlite 580 EX II flash for 20% less than what I expected to pay. I'm going to take some pictures.

Need to do something and stop being so fatalistic. Or so people tell me. I think I'll get a start on GMATs. If I don't enjoy it, what's the point right?

Monday, January 05, 2009

New Year 2009

I stopped the posts on Japan because I already wrote them as notes on facebook.

I've learned or remember two things about me.

One: I sincerely believe in the duology between creation and destruction. In my mind though, creation is the creation of something to be used, and destruction is using the 'charges' within something that was created. Thus, writing would be considered creation, whereas reading or watching TV, would be considered destruction. To achieve something though, one must balance creation and destruction. Pure creation would lead to contextless garbage. Pure destruction would mean an achievement of nothing concrete. A balance must be struck, with favor leaning towards creation.

Two: I view everything as a war. I look at myself as a knight, not a prince. I do what must be done. I like to be in the frontlines, but I can't see myself as a common soldier. I look at everything as a conflict of some sort. Because that is what life to me is. It is a conflict with glory for the victor. Note that I don't associate any particular goal as the end goal for life. LIfe is full of conflicts and it is hard to deteremine which ones is the most important goal in your life. Money is certainly not mine, although it does lend itself to be easily quantifiable. However, I wish to make myself as prepared for anything as I can be, and be able to handle any situation. Because I look at life as a continual war against death and insignificance.

Three: I look at the world as a mix of duologies. The time vs frequency domain is a favourite way for me to look at the world. It links a lot of philosophical details that I think about. For me, An eternity can be linked to an instant. And infinity can be linked to a constant. It is, in the prespective of the individual, to differentiate the two. Maybe life is eternally looking at the present moment, which is an instant to anyone else. And somtimes, we look at the endless possibilities and realize in the end, we have to still choose one constant result.

Four: Evolution is the continual battle against death. For all things succumb to death. And yet death, helps us evolve. Once we reach perfection however, we would no longer evolve. No longer evolving means no changes, which leads to stagnation. Stagnation might as well be called living death. It is the challenges that lead us to be living organisms. In a way, God, by its very definition, is undesirable as anything but a unachievable goal. Perfection in God, represents pure order, for perfection would be unchanging.

Perfection cannot have variations, for then that would mean that there are states that are as good as perfection. However, perfection should be the penultimate state, so there should only be one. By staying perfect, God would be singular and unchanging. Which represents a state of stagnation. Maybe this living death does not affect God. I do not know for I don't claim divinity. However, I do thing that for us imperfect beings, we do need chaos. For chaos, we need death. It represents the change that may bring to us new ways to fight death. Evolution is the careful balance of order and chaos that would lead us to greater heights towards perfection. However, it will never allow us to be perfect. We'll probably need another paradigm for that.

Five: Am I smarter than anyone else? I don't know. I sincerely believe that while I have the ability to figure things out faster than anyone else, I think it is only because of a faster grasp of pattern recognition. If we extend our metaphor of a computer, I have a very high clock speed, but my memory buffer and my gpu sucks. I learn things by repetition. I'm also not achieving anything recently, which means my senses are dulled. I need a new project, and fast.

That's all for today. I'm still debating on whether to return the camera or not. Probably not though. I should take more pictures.