Thursday, December 29, 2005
Didn't do much so far. Everyday is sleeping late until 4 in the afternoon and it is usually too late to do anything by then.Yesterday, went downtown with a bunch of people to this restaurant Rancho Relaxo. It had this lounge at the back of it where Mike, Andrea's boyfriend, was playing in a band. Pretty impressive. Liked it when he pulled out his acoustic guitar, because those were the slow songs.
My creativity has certainly not been awakened lately. My dreams have been getting less and less memorable. I can hardly remember many of my dreams now. It is as if my muse has abandoned me. Sometimes I wonder if she is making me choose between her and what could be my land-bound muse. All there seem to be is some kind of premonition that I can not quite understand.
Next term is not going to be fun. What with the enormity of the fourth year design project, one must ask if I'm happy where I am. Not many people want to discuss their futures when there is so much uncertainty surrounding it. Several of my friends are soon to be graduating from university with their four year programs. Most do not have a clear idea of what they want to do or even what they aspire to. Do we live in a world where dreams are dead? Or are they fell when they were just about to rise? When I bring the topic up on what they plan to do, I hear nary an idea and more often thean not, a request to change the subject. Isn't this our time of potentials? When we are at our peak with limiteless possibilities? But at the same time, is it the time of not trying for fear of settling for something when you could have had more? That's the great thing about uncertainty. You can't say you've failed unless you've attempted it. Without that attempt, who's to say who has succeeded and who has failed?
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
It's five o'clock in the morning and I have not yet slept. My mental state probably is not in the best shape, but my rough draft of my work term report is done. Besides the references, it is completed. Spent most of the week at work on the main body. Spent today on the polish and diagrams. It is almost finished. Now I just need to proof read it.
I just realized that without games, I am semi-productive. Without communication, I am even more, but at the cost of my mental state. I desperate need communication with other people. It is as they say, no man is an island. But I do recognize that I am productive. Without games, and distractions, I probably have a chance at suceeding at what I plan next term. Especially with the fourth year design project, it will not be easy.
With no other distractions, all I have are old manga that I haven't seen for quite some time. And with it, a sense of nostalgia. I guess one of the reasons that people like nostalgia so much is because it was in the past.There is no uncertainty in it; hindisight is 20-20. But for me, nostalgia takes another place in my heart, because it represents the limitless possibility of what it could have been.
For some people that may be the saddest words of all, but to me, it is a neutral phrase, filled with the possibilities of my imagination. I do have a more active imagination then most. For me, the barriers between dreams and reality is thinner than most, although I'd more likely want to have the whole in reality rather than in my dreams. But sometimes, there might not be another way to achieve what I want.
My friend and I had a discussion the other day. He commented that he and I were different, because we aspire to be something more than human. We say human as if it was a dirty word, like how we use subhuman. It is kind of true that we are elitist. We view most of society and the general populace with disdain and pity for stupidity. That's because in our minds, we could have done a lot better. But you know what? This view may never be proven. It may be just how we view ourselves in order to make ourselves feel special. I don't know. Perhaps its true. For him, this is easy, because he has no interest in relationships of any kind. At least not now. Who knows in the future?
For me, I must say I am ...desperate. Not for a relationship, but for THE relationship. It is I guess, an extension of my elitism. And I won't hesitate to admit it, under normal circumstances (without video games or distractions, like I was in junior high) I will do ANYTHING in my power to empower myself. And that was partly because I hate having to work under orders unless I can learn something. I have made a pact with myself though. I will NEVER change myself unless it is a decision I make. Gratz to those that can manipulate me in this fashion. There are few enough as it is that can do so. It could also be because of the fact that I'm lonely. This probably isn't surprising, in this anonymous global village. Sometimes I wonder if I don't even see the girl at the end as a person, but as an object as part of the relationship. But even then, I'd probably treat her as a princess. I don't know. ALL I know is that I would always strive to never make her cry. But is that good? That could also explain why I fear rejection and failure: because it would mean I failed in achieving the goal. Now that's just bad form. I have no clue. But if that's the case, then all previous history can be declared null and void and I must admit, I have never met a person that have moved me.
That, I guess, would be wrong then. There have been two girls that have held my interest, three if you count appreciation of esoteric beauty. I know now number 1 was an infatuation. I knew then number 2 was definately just an appreication of beauty. But number 3? Even if it may just be an infatuation, I feel that I want to spend more time with her. Too bad I seem to be having no luck with it. Ugh. I wish that I was able to read minds. Sometimes I wonder if I just don't have what it takes in the looks department. Heh, and to think I willingly destroy my own body by having a bad sleeping schedules and not treating my body correctly. Maybe I should slap some sense into my younger self. As for trying, I don't know how to proceed. Heh, my sister says that asking her straight out would probably scare her. Probably. Too bad I already did it. As for lack of mutual friends, or close enough friends on her side, I have been told by some of my friends (and my sister) that I have no chance. But I don't know, I think I'll keep trying, even though its hard just to get into contact with her.I wish there was just some kind of sign though. Maybe I did and I screwed it up already. And I'm usually so good with pressure. Maybe that's only for academics. Ha. This would probably be creepy if I heard it from someone else. But I guess it sounds less bad considering its me, who's been concerned with the problem of time for so long. Maybe I setrive to become normal. I know I probably will probably never really be mainstream. I'm a romantic cynic or a realistic idealist. I never watch sports, and only play games. I shun television unless I have control of the shows I watch. I read books only when I like the content which usually involves a relationship of some sort. I dislike mainstream music and I like ballads, but only specific ones that link me to some scene or imagery in my mind. In the words of Randal, "I hate people, but I like gatherings". I don't know what I am.
Some girls have said that looks don't matter. I doubt that. That they want someone to just make them laugh. Sorry, but seriously, take a look around you and tell me that its true. Some say that its people they admire. Okay, being good at engineering is not something to be admired as it is respect, and respect can only go so far. Some have suggested doing stuff that you enjoy to do and love will find you. Other says you have to chase the girl in order to make her fall in love with you. There's as many different types of advice as there are different types of girls in the world. I guess advice can be only taken so far. This is not an AI after all. Just as I enjoy games with real human interaction, I doubt I can look at love as a series of controlled response. I doubt anybody can be that easily described anyways.
======Direction of Life--------------
I feel like I've reached a crossroads. That there are two distinct paths to take. In one, I can continue to form my opinions from behind the door in my little world. Safe with little games that litter abundant amongst the highways of data. On the other is the real world, faced with perilious dangers and the nameless nemesis. People are so alien there in the world. As anonymous as they are in the world, I think that this is probably why religion has had a surge in the years after the Internet. But one cannot live behind the door forever. However, to take that step will require too much work and culture shock that I can not handle. Instead, I take the third choice, which is to open the door and greet any that comes through. It is an easy compromise. This passivity might cause me harm though. Sigh.
Do you believe in destiny? I've heard girls like to hear that. Or better yet, show that you believe in destiny. It certainly fuels the romantic fires. As for me? I probably believe it more than most. You wonder why? Perhaps its that I always have luck with the little things. The goddess of convenience helps me. But I have no luck with the big things. Maybe its because I used it already? Who knows. I do believe in a balance though. Maybe i just have to work towards that balance before I take another withdrawal at the bank of luck. I certainly need the luck it seems. Back to the question: Do I believe in destiny? Certainly, I've always believe that we're all meant to do something, whether caused by ill fate or manifest destiny. And love? Love is destiny incarnate. Unless the circumstances are just right, it'll never work. Of course, I also believe the more opportunities there are, the more likely luck can help you. All a matter of statistics my friend. And besides, you don't have dreams like mine unless you believe in destiny.
My most recent dream involved a battle. I have no clue on why, except that it involved martial arts. There would be more details, but I am reporting this almost 16 hours after I had woken up from the dream. All I can remember is that we were fighting in an old house. The sigil was there to guard something. The sigil is a green piece of squarish circular jade around the size of a toonie. On it, there was the runes that looked like a chinese signature stamp. For some reason, Jon Chan had this stamp. He was not evil in the sense of an the antagonist of the dream, but rather neutral as it was a test. There were urns too, but I forget why. For some reason there was at one time a fire alarm and we were forced out of the mansion which was made entirely out of glass.
If these dreams are any indication, I'm crazy. Or imaginative. Or both.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Talked to Jack for a long while. Haven't talked to my cousin for a long time. Oh, my older cousin has a baby girl now. Gratz Eleena. Wow...life into this horrible terrifying world. And going back to China in the middle of the bird flu season. You're a brave one. And I never congratulated you either Andres. Gratz.
Anyways, sometimes I wonder about the percentage of life's successes. I've gotten a letter/email about a job oppotunity that may be achievable based on my resume and my old contest scores. But I'm no longer an individual that strives for achievement. I'm already in a rut. I need something to shake me out of this lethargy. Maybe a new direction in life. Hell, I already know what direction I want to head in, but can I get there?
I'm just reminded of a quote about the fact that when you're in love you can't tell where your heart is. Only the girl that has your heart can tell you that.
I don't know where my heart is. But I'm not sure if anyone has actually found it. But I'm tempted, no, commanded to explore, by the heart I'm not sure I've lost. But is there a reason? I can't tell. Must plow on.
And thus the cynical cycle begins.
"All right," said Susan, "I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need ... fantasies to make life bearable."
No. Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.
"Tooth faries? Hogfathers?"
Yes. As practice. You have to start out learning to believe the little lies.
"So we can believe the big ones?"
Yes. Justice. Mercy. Duty. That sort of thing.
"They're not the same at all!"
Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice. And yet you act as if there were some sort of rightness in the universe by which it may be judged.
"Yes. But people have got to believe that or what's the point—"
My point exactly.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
And yet, someone just told me I'm spontaneous. Go figure. I guess its because I can commit to an event 2 days before I'm told, does not mean I'm spontaneous. But rather, I plan enough ahead that there is optional time, time I can spend uselessly on subjects.
I like my plans. They allow a lot of leeway to do things when I want, what I want. The problem of course, is that sometimes those times can turn to unproductivity because I didn't plan on them for being work time.
So, plans vs. spontaneous actions. I like to be prepared and incorporate both into my plans. But some people don't understand how I like to be prepared for anything.
Oh well. Those people that don't understand me just can be without my magnificent prescence.
My ego has gotten bigger...can you tell?
Anyways...Lonely in Gorgeous Tears is by Tommy Feburary6, a Jpop band. I find the melody to be interesting. Currently top song on winamp. Next to Hotel California sung by the Gypsy Kings with an accent. Fun to listen to =)
Thursday, December 15, 2005
As for other matters... I have no clue where I stand. Seems like my mind is still stuck in high school. I just don't know how to proceed at all. Sometimes I feel really awkward. Sometimes it feels fine, but only at a certain level. Thinking...overthinking. I'm not much of a risktaker. I'd do things to the extreme, but to take conscious risks....almost never.
Listening to a song right now. Very funny. Something about Suzie and her headgear. Us = u + i. I need to track this song. Heh...
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Add leftover chicken.
Add rice noodles.
Doubly good chicken noodle soup.
I just wasted 4 hours on Civilization 4. While it is a good game, I'm getting annoyed at the game dynamics. Seems that my research speed is slower than normal. Or something.
Anyways. A good night to all and to all a good night.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Something I wrote in August of this year.
Anyways, reading over some chats I've had with people and I realize that nothing has ever gone quite as I had expected, or even hoped for. Some time ago, I had discussed with another person whether I was really unhappy or just unsatisfied with life. It is hard to say. To be unsatisfied would require a condition that is lacking in my life. Now that is simply not true. I have friends, family, material goods, spirtual wealth (morality in my definition, not faith). The only thing I'm lacking is the "other half". But you know what? Why do we desperately seek something like a partner to share life experiences with? Is life that lonely that we must share our joys and burdens with someone else in order to have significance?
Perhaps. But perhaps that is why sometimes I wonder if I'll only get recognition if I go and commit a heinous crime. Infamous is almost as good as famous. After all, it is only through the reaction of other people that you know you exist. The bigger the reaction, the greater the significance. However, this is wrong and should not be considered at all.
So all that remains is the act of getting a significant other - life partner. Yet, when I look at the trouble of actually going to get one and the cost of maintaining that relationship, I feel that it may be too heavy a price to pay. At least, the way that one of my friend is going about it. Sometimes I feel that his approach is a bit too unrealistic. The entire point of approaching the girl as a goddess to be pleased rather than treated as a human. I fear that he will be taken for granted as I've seen some relationship developed. However, it is not in my place to say, as I have no experience. Only as an observor...and an observor by defintion, does not communicate.
Me? Should I actively persue, or should I be like a viper and strike only at opportune moments. I fear I lack the patience required. Heh...perhaps it is true that it's a shame that girls don't confess to guys. The modern man (or geek anyways) are fearless except when it comes to problems at home. Too bad.
I did have a dream in which it encourage me to ask out girls. After all, how many people nowadays have the courage to randomly go up to a girl and ask them out. It's like diving into a shark pool with meat strapped on top of your back. But then again, they're doing the same thing. While I may not have much experience (or even opportunity) to ask out girls, how many invitations have the girls endured? How many have accepted? How many have even been propositioned this way if all guys were 'scared' like me. It would have to be a few. A small number. Therefore, maybe there is hope for me after all. =)
Hmm. Too bad I don't learn well from pure philosphy. I still don't think I've moved forward. I did have a fun time WoWing and pretty much just relax for the whole term. No worries. That's something rare in this life of ours. Of course, my problem now has come back anew. Except this time I hope to do something about it.
And yes, if you had read the blockquote above, it was because it was in my old blog www.xanga.com/riellanart. Most of it represents my thoughts before, and is nowhere as detailed as this blog. I do write ridiculously long posts don't I. I guess my mind just wanders. Hopefully it'll have a home to stay.
Oh. And the reason I play video games? I guess it's because it is only during that time I can momentarily forget to think at all. Apparently, that's a good thing. Probably. Otherwise I'd probably worry too much. I think I already am.
The post below is much more interesting in my opinion. Read that.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Do you believe in love at first sight? I don't. I believe in like in first sight though. Something that is striking, like a certain spark to set your heart ablaze. I've met only 2 girls in my entire life (granted, I haven't known many girls. I wonder why...must be because I'm a crappy dresser) that fit that description. And yet...nothing happens. Why? Because I'm afraid to do anything about it. That insipid fear of screwing things up (rejection) is there. Conscience doth make cowards of us all indeed.
And there's the thing. I have a really good imagination. On one hand, this has helped me a lot, as I can really put myself into other people's shoes and predict what they are going to do usually. Or at least their responses to certain stimuli. On the other hand, it has led to many problems for me: 1) Sometime I put girls (well, just the 2 so far) on a pedestal, mainly because I can envision life with them in a relationship. (It's even scarier for the more recent one, since I can imagine 10 years into the future). 2) My fear of heights (I can imagine exactly the anxiety from just thinking of heights and imagine the pain of falling down. 3) I can imagine EXACTLY what would go wrong if I do anything. This is one of the reasons I'm so apathetic. It's a defense mechanism.
And here's the thing. I must admit, I'm an excellent book learner. When I came to Canada, I must admit, I was a bit embarassed by my parents. The culture clash led to many inevitable problems. Of course, I know better now, but so do my parents (who let me do whatever I want, since I've proven to be responsible). The language barrier my parents faced also made it that much more difficult for me in elementary school. However, I was still a relatively normal kid. I bet, if I didn't get into the gifted program, I would have been much more socially apt. Anyways, regardless, the resulting clash of language and culture forced me to learn culture and social interactions from rough experience (stepping on people's fingers accidentally is bad....even if you don't remember such an incident >.<) and books.
Books are probably my mainstay of learning. I have never liked to learn from teachers unless it is a 1-on-1 tutorial where I can ask all sorts of questions. My inquisitive mind is based upon a personality of observors. A modern sherlock holmes crossed with a psychologist and behavioral scientist. The point is to figure out how to proceed in normal society without actually being in it.
The problem is, for problems of relationships, there are books, but they are either outdated, and inexact. They do not teach you from beginning to end about the whole subject and the problem is also that the science is totally subjective depending on the subject herself. =P A guru is also likely not very useful for this reason because any general tips can be easily garnered from the books.
I hate to admit it, but I've read enough "romance" novels (my sister leaves them around, I swear!), shoujo mangas (hey, I'm a sappy closet idealistic romantic. Don't let my cynical side fool you), chick flicks (hey, they're heartwarming in a desolate world), and science fiction (usually needs a relationship in there to show the conflict and further the plot) that I can imagine ways that MIGHT work...but more likely would not. I can point out so many problems of each way of approach. And they're not guaranteed to work. I can't even calculate a percentage.
So basically, I believe I'm well studied in most aspects of life, except for the relationship part. Part of me wonders why I need someone like that. I've recently asked the question why the kiss was even part of the evolutionary process at all. It serves no evolutionary function. But a friend goes, if you have to ask, you don't understand. It just feels "right".
Heh. The problem is. Sometimes, if I spend enough time thinking about it, I could convince myself that I'm in love with any number of girls. It's like a self-hypnosis technique. My imagination helps this along. However, I do most often realize the fallacy of doing so and I can shatter the illusion quite readily. However, for the girl with the spark, I do not have to spend time thinking about it at all. It just feels right. Too bad I don't know EVER how to convey this so that it freaks her out or make me look like a creepy stalker. The fact is made worse when there are no mutual friends (Ed and Mei, you should thank your lucky stars Stefou hooked you two up).
Which leads to hard choices. One is to charge forward and risk it all. The problem with this is that it is a low chance of success because of the shock value. I do believe in the idea of soulmates, but I doubt anyone would just tell anyone that they were made for each other right away without creeping them out. The other one is the semi-shy, half-interested, friends-border -> girlfriend tactic. It is less of a shock because she has gotten to know you. However, it is a fine line between turning into a full fledge friend and from what I have heard, friendcest does not usually work (Hollywood is fictional. Otherwise friendcest does work. Chandler was damn lucky too). The latter would most likely be better. But, it is even harder when schedules don't match up, etc.
Interesting point: first girl ever that I felt the spark looked very similar to the second girl. Yet when shown photos, my friends disagree. Plato and the world of ideas. Maybe my ideal woman is in that mess of things and that she is just a shadow of that ideal woman from that place beyond worlds. Even so, she is still the woman I love. Theoretically (if the world of forms actually existed or Jung's collective consciousness, or reincarnation actually looked possible).
A book once said to me, you're only in love with the girl if you can actually picture doing ordinary stuff with her. Maybe domestic stuff. And you enjoying it. The problem is, with an overactive imagination like mine, I could make my mind images do almost anything I want them to, especially in relationship stuff. Therefore, it is flawed in my case. Although, for this particular girl, I could imagine several years down the lane. Sigh.
And how do I know I'm in like with this person? Another friend asked me what exactly do you like about this person. The thing is...if she was someone I convinced myself to like, I would have readily available reasons. But for her, I don't know. I just don't know. People disagree, but to me, she seems the most beautiful girl in the world. It just seems right.
Monday, December 05, 2005
I was at my company's Christmas party the other day. I went there with low expectations. First off, I did not have a date. Why? Read previous posts on trust issues. I simply CANNOT bring a friend to these things. Everybody else there, with the exception of a coworker whose wife insisted on staying with their 6 month old baby, was in a couple. Kind of threw me off a bit, but then again, I realized that I was there only for the food.
That made it all good. I could avoid the judging eyes and focus on the food. When the dancing started, I left after another co-op left with his fiancee.
I took the bus home. On the way home, I saw Jason. Was a coincidence. I wonder at how the world is so coincidental sometimes. But then again, chances of coincidences only increase when you get to know more people.
On the way home, I thought about what it was that was bugging me so much. I never really did find out.
Ah, today's topic is: how do you turn a friend into a girlfriend. I believe the words of Student Bodies said it best: "What happens when you turn a friend into a girlfriend?" "One less friend."
But is that really true?
My friend Lisha says Friend-cest is wrong. However, she does agree it is easier for that to happen then an outright confession. And seriously, I think I've seen enough situations (from TV and real life) that it can really get awkward quick. And I doubt I want that. But is it better to stay in friend limbo?
And how do you do anything is the person on the other end is perpetually busy? It is hard enough as it is to get the person out for coffee, much less a movie. As well, physical distance is a problem. I don't have a car either.
Personally, I can't do anything. Not don't, but can't. My inability here is that I have a problem with rejection (which is a FAILURE. something which gifties do not tolerate. sigh. pathetic). Sometimes I wonder. Of course I hope that the person would like me. But my cynicism always pushes me back down to reality.
And this problem with signals. Mixed signals. Or I just don't know how to read them. Sigh.
Of course, my cynical side tells me to go for it. My idealistic side is silent, but wishes. My conscience pushes me to think of the consequences.
Ugh. So much thinking and so late at night makes my thinking hurt.
And seriously, there have been only 2 people I've ever met that I have been attracted to. One was nothing more than a physical infatuation (in my analysis). This recent one though...I hope it does not get analyzed out and not acted upon (but with my temperament as it is...it could lead to that, sigh).
My friends that know me accuses me of putting women on pedestals (or at least the women I like). I probably do. But at the same time, I realize that they're human. It's like having two different personalities with totally opposite personality traits. It is odd, but I fight a losing battle with myself everyday.
Ah. The soulmate. That perfect partner that Hollywood exist. While I don't doubt that there is a solution to this problem, the statistic odds alone would almost ensure that they do not exist. All you can do is look for someone similar enough and will be willing to put up with you and fantasize a bit to gloss over the dissimilar parts.
Is this infatuation based on loneliness? I doubt that. I've been alone for quite a while. This is nothing new. However, the two people share striking similarities in appearances (although my friends disagree). But to me they do. This could really be a mind trick? Perhaps, or is it something preordained. Something like Destiny, perhaps. Logical mind says no. Magic Eight Ball says uncertain.
Haha. One of my friends, Christie, also read this blog recently and commented that I seem darker to her now. Probably true. I usually show my happy face to so many people that it is tiring sometimes to think about the seriousness of life. I mean, life is a game, but with real consequences. It is a world after all, that people sometimes take obscene amounts of time to escape from it using drugs, or at worst, suicide.
Upon saying that, I also admit that it is certainly at times, a very happy place. I dislike pushing my shit onto other people that don't deserve it. I'm not saying that my very close friends, who have seen both sides of me, deserve that shit either, but we also provide a service to each other: ranting booth.
This blog however, is not a happy place as of yet. It represents what I choose to present to the world that I do not present usually. They represent some of my innermost thoughts (which admittedly is open to the public, but which very few people ever read, because apparently, I freaking write novels (which is actually what I want to do if I ever want to get that book published)). When I become truly happy, on both sides of the shell, the tone of this blog will change. Until then, I will be a morose sad cretin of a creature, uncertain on how to proceed to the next step.
Damn it. I now sometimes regret what I did in highschool. It is true. "Of all the saddest words of paper and pen/the saddest are these/It might have been". Of course. Timing is a huge factor, and damn it if I don't have the luck to pull these off. That, or hindsight gets me.
Sometimes I wish I knew how to read minds. Then again, if you play the game using a cheat, it becomes meaningless. But damn my luck. My luck is good for almost all "useless" things, but never important stuff like these. Com'on, daddy needs a 7 for a girlfriend.
Gratz to Introspector, who's getting a new blog. This guy is probably someone I would swap ideas with. Very interesting fellow, if he'd ever get off his chair and actually write. Although some of his ideas are too deep for me. Instrospected.blogspot.com. It will be on the link page soon.
Oh, and who are you farhan12345678. Snarky remarks only work if I know who you are. Or at least is only fun that way.
And if anyone can post some ideas on how do you actually approach a girl if she's constantly busy? And I don't think this is a piss-off signal. She's actually busy. So, any suggestions?