Wednesday, November 28, 2007


What do we want most in life? Meaning I think. We exist because we have an innate goal that we strive for. And that is our purpose in life. Whether it is religion, a striving for power, a striving for importance, love or money...

Defining everything, understanding nothing. That's how I feel these days. Yet other times, I can be very distant from everything. And at times, I think I can feel apathetic about anything except stupidity. At other times, I feel that human life as it stands right now is very lonely and anonymous.

Out of all the songs from Savage Garden, I think I like Santa Monica the best. Even though it isn't as well known as Truly Madly Deeply, its lyrics seem more interesting than the ballad of Truly Madly Deeply or I knew I loved you. If I had to rank them, I'd rank them in the order Santa Monica, I knew I loved you and Truly Madly Deeply. Just because I think human life is probably more of a journey to realize and fulfill your desires before placing them out of mind. Once you fulfill your desire, whether it be love, money, or power, you are either satisfied and quit or unsatisfied because the journey was so much better. The ones that are satisfied usually realize that while the goal is nice, it matters little in the scheme of things. The unsatisfied realize too late that the goal is unfulfilling and that in the end, the only thing left in life is death.

Or maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe I'm like a noob in WoW that hasn't reached level 60 yet. Everyone knows that levels 1-59 was just the tutorial to the game. Level 60 is the real game with the end-game content. Maybe life is like that. I just haven't reached the plateau.

What I really need now, is a) some mods to help me navigate and stop wasting time. b)some exploits/hacks to catch up. c) some more quests to level up quicker. d) some more friends so I can quest with. e) probably a new guild.

Nerdy, eh? Everything in life can be mapped and modeled by a computer game. Actually, I think life can be modeled to mathematics and economics. After all, we are just probabilistic machines, always striving towards our self-interest. It's just hard to quantify that self-interest, that's all.


May I see you again in my dreams, my Valkyrie.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Everything I know, I learned from Wikipedia.

Been another week. I've gotten more used to work, although I think I still don't know enough. I'm behind on some of the tasks I've been given and trying to desperately catch up. But the people there are nice, so it seems reasonable for now, even if that isn't really my passion for life.

Got a new phone. Sony Ericsson w580i. I really like the design and I customized it with one of the cutest themes ever. Orange and black of a little kid flying a kite. Ahh, what a wonderful image. And a little cat too. That's the only new thing I bought with my salary so far. I haven't gotten used to the idea of spending money much. I just can't seem to bring myself to spend anything on unnecessary stuff. Which pretty much includes everything but food right now.

I seem to get less and less sleep these days too. I stay at the office for around 10 hours. And even though there isn't much to do when I get home, I do waste a lot of time reading. And watching some TV. Other than that, it's like I measure my life out in weeks, waiting for the weekend. There's nothing on the horizon that seems meaningful. It used to be in University, I'd measure my life in days until the next due date for an assignment. Now, its as if the smallest measure of time I can easily gauge is a week. Will this change to months as I grow older? Somehow, I have to stop time from slipping away.

Thanesh had given me information about ... information. He's taking a course on Msci about communication and what it means. People high up on the corporate ladder are usually there because they can communicate well. This doesn't mean just oral skills, but the ability to absorb information. It's a skill I have to facilitate.

I know a lot of stuff. The problem is that it is in bits and pieces. My memory has never been that good because I have found that information about specific subjects are becoming easier and easier to come by. The Internet has reduced the cost of accessing information and while we know very little about everything, we know nothing about something. This may be a problem that the new generation of people face. As information becomes more accessible, the retention of information also becomes trivial. Sometimes, I wonder if this is the cause of the education failures in the present. That the children's attitude towards education and information has been twisted by the Internet that they no longer value retention. If this is the case, I can see why they would do poorly in school nowadays. We shouldn't give them tests on Calculus and Data Management, we should give them social and ethical homework. After all, we have calculators that seem to do everything nowadays. That, or ban computer education in classrooms. While the computer is a powerful tool, it becomes a crutch when people are exposed to them at early ages.

I don't know what I'm writing about nowadays. Sometimes I write because I feel that if I don't write, my life would be meaningless. I wrote a small blurb/introduction on an idea I had the other day, but after I showed it to Wen, I realized it was a piece of ego. I wrote it to soothe my own lack of creativity. I need to stop writing shit and start getting coherent ideas together.

Anyways, this is as much as I can write for now. I'm just rambling now. But nothing is happening yet. And nothing will until the weekend usually. This was supposed to be a log for catharsis. Lately, it is all I can do to observer.


Till I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.

Thursday, November 22, 2007


So I'm working right now. There's not much to say about that. Except that there isn't as much time as there used to be. I work around 9 hours a day and I have around 4 hours free time. The rest spent on sleep and domestic chores. I wonder if this is going to be my life.

Oh well. If it is, I can't complain, even though it does not mean I should get complacent. Always strive and change. Even if it is artificial.

I don't know why I'm being so evasive. But the thing is that I don't exactly know what I want. My future is changing. It's in a way, I seem to be within myself and outside at the same time. As a part of humanity, and yet separate from it. Superiority complex? Maybe, but it could easily be the inverse. Ugh.

Well, I have freedom right now. So why is it I want to be shackled? Trying out everything once? But even then, I need to be motivated and kept interested. That's the hard part.

Dreams lately seem...charged. As if they were prophecies. They seem so vivid. I wonder if I should resume writing them down. It'd kill my sleep cycle, but it might be worth it.

Sunday, November 04, 2007


HK trip. Fun. Visited relatives. Bought some clothes. And basically had a relaxing time.

Work. AMD. Interesting stuff. Still feel like the new kid on the block, but getting there.

Okay. Now apparently my blog is too depressing. Ugh. It's like I should split and write all the happy stuff on it as well. But what's the point. You want to live through the happy parts and reflect on the unhappy stuff to learn from it.

I've noticed how beautiful nature is. Well, maybe not nature, but the seasons in general.

I love the renewal of spring, how the gentle blossoms grows from the trees and flowers sprout their hardest against the dampening soil from the soft spring showers. The fragrance of damp earth, together with a soft breeze, brings a sense of anticipation of hope.

The scorching summer is filled with slow sultry sensations. People laze around, basking in the warmth that the sun brings and celebrate the long days by suntanning, sunbathing, and sensuously lounge about. Things slow down as the days grow longer. The scent of freshly mowed grass accompanies the sound of the ice cream truck, bringing with it the cold sweet treats all children seem to love. Basking the in the soft warmth of the sun as the glow of life filter down to your very being. With it comes a slow summer breeze, lazing about with fragrances of flowers in full bloom.

Autumn brings the falling of leaves and shorter days. Twilights seem longer and the soft orange glow of the setting sun contrasts lovely with the dusky purple sky. The cool autumn breeze is a wonderful companion to the dusky ambiance as leaves flutter about, loose from their bindings of the earth. Oh, how I love that purple sky. With it comes a mystic sense of anticipation and the unknown.

The cold winter night is a magical experience. Our muffled steps crinkle the sheets of new snow on the park path as we wind along the winter wonderland. The snow seem to reflect those heavenly lights hanging in the sky, giving the landscape a clean sharp glow. The wintry chill as we wander along the snowmen and snow forts brings to mind the anticipation for the fire in the fireplace, curling up with a cup of hot chocolate and a good book. The blackness of the night provides an excellent contrast with the snow, making it shine whiter to our naked eyes. The trees, now devoid of their protective leaves, seem a testament to life, stating that it will endure until the cycle begins again.


So what do you think?