Monday, December 24, 2007

The world is too small for us.

Is our world too small for us?

Each of us live in our own little realities, with our individual perceptions and ideas. Our worlds collide only when we interact and socialize with each other. At other times, we live in our own little world, full of our own cares and worries, our own wants and desires.

Sometimes, I wonder how we become the people we are. We, as a species, are inherently selfish and base. To break free of this nature takes supreme effort and will. Most people never get that far. Most people can't see to infinity, much less beyond. We are too self-satisfied and smug in what we have at present, then to strive for something beyond which we call this life.

Our world is truly too small. For the world of reality is seemingly limited while the world of dreams and spirit is limitless and expansive. And yet, unless we share that world of dreams and spirit, it is a dead world to anyone but yourself. This is what I mean by being self-satisfied. Unless we share to others the world that we live in, we are nothing more than a closed box, like coffins all in a row, sitting in a limitless mausoleum, waiting for cremation. Until our life string becomes taut, and snaps. But some people can break free of that potter's coffin, and help others open their coffins. By creating (which includes socializing), we share with others, the world that we perceive, and help expand their world a little bit more.

Yet, most of us can never reach the potential that is locked within us in our little coffins. A great many others are satisfied with their own little corner of the world. This is not the way to become great. And that is what I wish to be, a great. It does not matter what type of great I would become, but I feel that I must become great, or my own little world is doomed. From mediocrity or the dreariness that which we call our life.

Dreams are amazing. They take you to limitless places, abstract concepts that may shock the real world. But the act of creation, the whole story building process, is something that sparks our lives into something real, and puts the rest of our life into perspective. While I don't think I can publish my latest dream here, the tension within the story was so tight, that I could see it performed on the silver screen. Except that it would be rated R. Too much violence and sex. It was cyberpunk, what can I say?

Well, maybe this will spark me into longer and larger forays into my personal world of dreams, in order to bring something back to show you. This way, a seed of ideas may grow, and thus, transform the dead world of selfish dreams, to the living world of shared experiences.

I'm sorry if this post was much more verbose than necessary. But I found it fun to write, even if it is hell for the reader to read. =p

Till the next time I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Ugh failed.

You know what? This is hard.

It was going quite well too. Yesterday, I solved two issues at work. Got to talk a bit more. Then actually got her to agree to have lunch at this sushi place I actually do want to try out (been raved about by the Toronto Star and chowhound). However, since she was quite busy over the holidays, (including a trip to the states), she didn't know when she'd have time. She said that why don't we discuss this tomorrow.

So, I thought, woohoo!

Life doesn't work that way. Today, I woke up late. My LCD wiper for my camera broke. Then had a slow start after forgetting my Iron Ring to wear. Yesterday I wasn't wearing my Iron Ring or my watch. Today, after wearing it, it seemed all my luck drained out.

2 more issues popped up at work. Turns out it was just the resolution of the problem from yesterday and a misunderstanding. However, because of the misunderstanding, an email was sent out that made me look incompetent. Even though I made the mistake, I also resolved it, yet someone else gets all the credit, and makes me look like a fool. And some of my tests take so long to resolve I still don't know if it is a problem or not.

And she wasn't responding much to instant messages either. Maybe she was quite busy. She is trying to get most of the work done before the holidays start. And she works at other places on Friday and Saturday. But who knows. Ugh. At 3 oclock, she tells me that she's going out from 4 to 8 to do some personal errand, than return at 8 to finish some more work.

Since I can only hang out after I'm done work, that's around 6:30 or 7. However, because I also had plans after 7, it meant I had to leave. But staying beyond 7 would be out of character for me. So, all I could do was sent her an email giving my contact info and to contact me if she still wants to try out that restaurant. I don't even know if she'd check her email when she comes back at 8.

Ugh. Maybe this is too much? But I mean, it was just a question about whether she was available for lunch, and when. And a season's greetings? So that shouldn't be too bad right? It was polite and to the point. But email! So impersonal! What was I thinking? But I couldn't go over to where she works at 4 in the afternoon! I have no reason to be there. If it's 7, at least I can inquire whether my friend is heading home or not. But I mean, going there when she's busy seems a bit too stalker-y for my taste.

UGH! I don't know. Sometimes I wonder about whether this is the right move or not. I know next to nothing about her. Ha. I don't even know how old she is, or whether she is single or not. Sometimes I wonder if she's actually a lot older than I am (maybe even +6 years?). Honestly, I don't know at all. Maybe, maybe not? Time will tell I guess. Maybe I'm too immature? Sigh. This is going nowhere.

Well, I hope I get an email or a phone call.

And where's my blasted Wii??? It was supposed to have been shipped on Monday! 3-5 days. Yeah, right.

Till I see you in my dreams, my dear Valkyrie.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

ATI Party

So anyways, went to the AMD party. Woke up at 2, and spent some time looking at stuff online before starting to get ready at 4. The party started at 5, but I didn't want to bother getting there on time. After all, I wasn't bringing anyone and I felt that it would be easy to get there.

It was. And it wasn't.

It is physically a close distance in terms of how to get there. It's Warden and Hwy 7. So I could just go up Don Mills and then cross Hwy 7.

But I didn't count on the snowstorm. So, it means I had to stop a lot and my brakes aren't the best in snow. So therefore, I thought of going to the Hwy 404 and just drive up. Less stopping and less risk that way. So I did that. However, there was still a traffic jam, and no one was going faster than 70 on the highway. It's all good though. I still got there the earliest from my table.

Darren, his date and other table guests arrived later. Thanesh didn't come in until much much later. The food wasn't bad, but it was not the greatest. I can definitely say that I could have gotten much better food for less than half the price. The decor was nice, but it was the traditional office Christmas party theme. Same schedule, so very ordinary.

Thanesh's guest was Grace. Grace and Thanesh was actually in my year at Waterloo for Comp Eng. But I actually never met her before today. I met Thanesh for the first time right before I started at AMD. It was like that for off-stream people I guess. Grace works at TD in a developer role, and I thought that was interesting because it was a field that I would have wanted to work in. Seems a lot more 'relaxed' than the high strung technology companies where the latest and greatest are the things that generate profits.

So I talked to them quite a bit, since Darren and the other people disappeared quite often and I didn't get a rapport with some of the other dinner guests. Mainly because they looked like middle-aged ladies. My estimate would be 27+ (29?32?) office ladies sort. Nothing to say to these people. But I did get rapport with one of the other guests. Very interesting, in that we had similar interests, even if our backgrounds differ quite a bit. She was certainly cute, although I would say in a different way than most. Probably the fact that the first time I saw her, her facial structure resembled a doll then anything else. Seemed quite delicate actually. But interesting. Talked quite a bit, but as I don't have much experience deciphering reactions, I can't tell if she's only being polite or actually interested. At one point, I guess we were leaning in or something, she looked so kissable. I chalked this up to natural male reaction. Another infatuation? I don't know. She someone I would really like to get to know better. It's almost if she's my mirror image. The same natural curiosity, but reversed. If you know my interests, it is like coming at a solution from the totally opposite angle, but a still valid solution.

But like any other analysis, I hate myself for it, but I see quite a few problems. First of all, our different cultural backgrounds. I'm more of a mongrel than anything else, picking up pieces of culture and norms from a variety of sources, from HK to Canada to Western culture to things I read. And my principles and morals are strong in my opinion. Which is strange, because usually people with that kind of high-handedness usually have some kind of religious belief, which I am quite against. Her, on the other hand, seemed to have grew up in Taiwan, and moved here only for HS. Ha, I don't even know how old she is. I think she's actually a little older than me I think. It's so hard to say, sometimes. Language is definitely a problem, even if we both can passingly communicate in English. Two big problems, no real solutions besides learning Chinese I guess. Sigh.

Well, also the whole inferiority complex I have. I know I don't have the best body or the best physical attributes. I think I'm passable, even if I'm not 'hot'. Whereas, she seemed almost like a princess. Delicate. Oh well, enough sulking. We'll see what happens. Most likely nothing, and could be a whole illusion from the alcohol, even though that's completely untrue (mainly because I know my exact mindset this evening). I just have to make sure there's 'opportunities' and I don't put her on a pedestal. (I agree with Matt, this is a common problem amongst guys). Time is something we all have. Just have to find the best use of it.

Anyways, I guess I should go sleep. That's enough revelations and unburdening. This has definitely been a good night. Until I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Can't sleep

Ugh. I can't sleep.

It's 1 in the morning and I was feeling pretty tired at 9. Now I'm awake though, and can't seem to sleep.

On a side note, I waste a lot of food. Spoilage is actually a high casualty, because my mother is overprotective and I keep forgetting about stuff. She prepares too much, whereas I hate being bound without choice and convenience. More often than not, something spoils because I have totally forgot about it. I like to say its not my fault, mainly because I wasn't part of the preparation process, how would I remember about it. I keep track of what I make and what I have left. But if someone else does it for me, without my input, it will spoil.


Right now, I'm hoping I can sleep, so that I can actually get a good night's sleep for once.

Until I see you in my dream, my Valkyrie.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Time flies

Is it half way through December already? It's been a mess of things and time just keeps flowing by.

I've been feeling less and less energetic recently, mainly because I don't like cleaning up. I've been staying in bed until I'm hungry, and then getting up, making food, then get back into bed. It's a very slovenly lifestyle, but its the first weekend I've done something like that. I didn't even feel like working at all.

The very thought of being a consumer nauseates me. Consumers are the enemy. They are the mindless masses that just consumes. In order to rise up, we have to create, and I have done precious little of it. And yet, I can't get myself to do it. It's sad.

Oh well. Sigh.


May I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


What do we want most in life? Meaning I think. We exist because we have an innate goal that we strive for. And that is our purpose in life. Whether it is religion, a striving for power, a striving for importance, love or money...

Defining everything, understanding nothing. That's how I feel these days. Yet other times, I can be very distant from everything. And at times, I think I can feel apathetic about anything except stupidity. At other times, I feel that human life as it stands right now is very lonely and anonymous.

Out of all the songs from Savage Garden, I think I like Santa Monica the best. Even though it isn't as well known as Truly Madly Deeply, its lyrics seem more interesting than the ballad of Truly Madly Deeply or I knew I loved you. If I had to rank them, I'd rank them in the order Santa Monica, I knew I loved you and Truly Madly Deeply. Just because I think human life is probably more of a journey to realize and fulfill your desires before placing them out of mind. Once you fulfill your desire, whether it be love, money, or power, you are either satisfied and quit or unsatisfied because the journey was so much better. The ones that are satisfied usually realize that while the goal is nice, it matters little in the scheme of things. The unsatisfied realize too late that the goal is unfulfilling and that in the end, the only thing left in life is death.

Or maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe I'm like a noob in WoW that hasn't reached level 60 yet. Everyone knows that levels 1-59 was just the tutorial to the game. Level 60 is the real game with the end-game content. Maybe life is like that. I just haven't reached the plateau.

What I really need now, is a) some mods to help me navigate and stop wasting time. b)some exploits/hacks to catch up. c) some more quests to level up quicker. d) some more friends so I can quest with. e) probably a new guild.

Nerdy, eh? Everything in life can be mapped and modeled by a computer game. Actually, I think life can be modeled to mathematics and economics. After all, we are just probabilistic machines, always striving towards our self-interest. It's just hard to quantify that self-interest, that's all.


May I see you again in my dreams, my Valkyrie.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Everything I know, I learned from Wikipedia.

Been another week. I've gotten more used to work, although I think I still don't know enough. I'm behind on some of the tasks I've been given and trying to desperately catch up. But the people there are nice, so it seems reasonable for now, even if that isn't really my passion for life.

Got a new phone. Sony Ericsson w580i. I really like the design and I customized it with one of the cutest themes ever. Orange and black of a little kid flying a kite. Ahh, what a wonderful image. And a little cat too. That's the only new thing I bought with my salary so far. I haven't gotten used to the idea of spending money much. I just can't seem to bring myself to spend anything on unnecessary stuff. Which pretty much includes everything but food right now.

I seem to get less and less sleep these days too. I stay at the office for around 10 hours. And even though there isn't much to do when I get home, I do waste a lot of time reading. And watching some TV. Other than that, it's like I measure my life out in weeks, waiting for the weekend. There's nothing on the horizon that seems meaningful. It used to be in University, I'd measure my life in days until the next due date for an assignment. Now, its as if the smallest measure of time I can easily gauge is a week. Will this change to months as I grow older? Somehow, I have to stop time from slipping away.

Thanesh had given me information about ... information. He's taking a course on Msci about communication and what it means. People high up on the corporate ladder are usually there because they can communicate well. This doesn't mean just oral skills, but the ability to absorb information. It's a skill I have to facilitate.

I know a lot of stuff. The problem is that it is in bits and pieces. My memory has never been that good because I have found that information about specific subjects are becoming easier and easier to come by. The Internet has reduced the cost of accessing information and while we know very little about everything, we know nothing about something. This may be a problem that the new generation of people face. As information becomes more accessible, the retention of information also becomes trivial. Sometimes, I wonder if this is the cause of the education failures in the present. That the children's attitude towards education and information has been twisted by the Internet that they no longer value retention. If this is the case, I can see why they would do poorly in school nowadays. We shouldn't give them tests on Calculus and Data Management, we should give them social and ethical homework. After all, we have calculators that seem to do everything nowadays. That, or ban computer education in classrooms. While the computer is a powerful tool, it becomes a crutch when people are exposed to them at early ages.

I don't know what I'm writing about nowadays. Sometimes I write because I feel that if I don't write, my life would be meaningless. I wrote a small blurb/introduction on an idea I had the other day, but after I showed it to Wen, I realized it was a piece of ego. I wrote it to soothe my own lack of creativity. I need to stop writing shit and start getting coherent ideas together.

Anyways, this is as much as I can write for now. I'm just rambling now. But nothing is happening yet. And nothing will until the weekend usually. This was supposed to be a log for catharsis. Lately, it is all I can do to observer.


Till I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.

Thursday, November 22, 2007


So I'm working right now. There's not much to say about that. Except that there isn't as much time as there used to be. I work around 9 hours a day and I have around 4 hours free time. The rest spent on sleep and domestic chores. I wonder if this is going to be my life.

Oh well. If it is, I can't complain, even though it does not mean I should get complacent. Always strive and change. Even if it is artificial.

I don't know why I'm being so evasive. But the thing is that I don't exactly know what I want. My future is changing. It's in a way, I seem to be within myself and outside at the same time. As a part of humanity, and yet separate from it. Superiority complex? Maybe, but it could easily be the inverse. Ugh.

Well, I have freedom right now. So why is it I want to be shackled? Trying out everything once? But even then, I need to be motivated and kept interested. That's the hard part.

Dreams lately seem...charged. As if they were prophecies. They seem so vivid. I wonder if I should resume writing them down. It'd kill my sleep cycle, but it might be worth it.

Sunday, November 04, 2007


HK trip. Fun. Visited relatives. Bought some clothes. And basically had a relaxing time.

Work. AMD. Interesting stuff. Still feel like the new kid on the block, but getting there.

Okay. Now apparently my blog is too depressing. Ugh. It's like I should split and write all the happy stuff on it as well. But what's the point. You want to live through the happy parts and reflect on the unhappy stuff to learn from it.

I've noticed how beautiful nature is. Well, maybe not nature, but the seasons in general.

I love the renewal of spring, how the gentle blossoms grows from the trees and flowers sprout their hardest against the dampening soil from the soft spring showers. The fragrance of damp earth, together with a soft breeze, brings a sense of anticipation of hope.

The scorching summer is filled with slow sultry sensations. People laze around, basking in the warmth that the sun brings and celebrate the long days by suntanning, sunbathing, and sensuously lounge about. Things slow down as the days grow longer. The scent of freshly mowed grass accompanies the sound of the ice cream truck, bringing with it the cold sweet treats all children seem to love. Basking the in the soft warmth of the sun as the glow of life filter down to your very being. With it comes a slow summer breeze, lazing about with fragrances of flowers in full bloom.

Autumn brings the falling of leaves and shorter days. Twilights seem longer and the soft orange glow of the setting sun contrasts lovely with the dusky purple sky. The cool autumn breeze is a wonderful companion to the dusky ambiance as leaves flutter about, loose from their bindings of the earth. Oh, how I love that purple sky. With it comes a mystic sense of anticipation and the unknown.

The cold winter night is a magical experience. Our muffled steps crinkle the sheets of new snow on the park path as we wind along the winter wonderland. The snow seem to reflect those heavenly lights hanging in the sky, giving the landscape a clean sharp glow. The wintry chill as we wander along the snowmen and snow forts brings to mind the anticipation for the fire in the fireplace, curling up with a cup of hot chocolate and a good book. The blackness of the night provides an excellent contrast with the snow, making it shine whiter to our naked eyes. The trees, now devoid of their protective leaves, seem a testament to life, stating that it will endure until the cycle begins again.


So what do you think?

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Out with Lisha. And her friends

Today, did nothing till 2:30pm. But had the most amazing dream. Personal, but I've been having a lot of dreams for the past few days. This one though, I managed to write down because it was amazing. But unfortunately, wanting something doesn't make it real =/.

Had to stay in till 2:30 because of a guy coming in to fix something between our gate and our front door. But I had to get to Queen Mary by 4:00 to meet Lisha. So I left him working while I left at 3:15. Got to Queen Mary at 4:00pm. Lisha said I wouldn't make it unless I left at 3. I got there 15 minutes early AND her class ended 30 minutes late. So I waited for no reason.

I got to meet her friends, Juliana, Hannah, Jasmine and Marlene. Public health is where the girls are at apparently. We went to Stanley, which is funny because I was there the night before visiting my relatives. we walked around the pier and the market, which was scenic, but it started raining. We gave up on going to the far beach. Instead, we opted to walk around Stanley instead. Went to McDonalds to eat because we couldn't get to a decently priced restaurant.

Meanwhile, we talked about a lot of things. Juliana believes in the existence of a soulmate. While I also hold that view, my notion of it is a more fatalistic one where I do cherish the idea, I think that ultimately most of us settle. They also talked a lot about class, which meant I can't enter the conversation. It was fun nevertheless.

Lisha and I discussed more relationship stuff, psychological reasoning, and what we ultimately want in life. At least she found today fun, which is good. I think I don't know what I want yet, but still, I can still appreciate stuff right? And I do treasure my minute infatuations, even when I do realize nothing will come of it.

Lisha and I then went to LKF for the carnival. Unlike yesterday, there was a lot of bazaars, and of course, lots of drinks for sale. There was a toy-r-us themed street for the kids. I got the best picture of a little girl chasing bubbles. I really wish it wasn't noisy or blurred because of my low ISO setting. Lisha got a decent picture though, so I may use hers when I update these with photos.

I think they're all wonderful people. Glad to have met them.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Visited my relatives in Stanley.

No phone call from Lisha means that I'm by myself today. Unfortunately, Jenny is busy with midterms and Colleen has school. That leaves me with not much to do. Been reading Video Demystified to get a head start for work. Then called my uncle in Stanley.

While visiting Stanley, talked with an old man who turned out to be a British pilot. He's certainly lived a long life, being with Cathay Pacific, Lanka Air and other long haul freight pilot. He's living somewhere in the pyranees right now, but he wants to move back to HK. After selling his flat in HK due to some advice from a friend, he's looking to buy another place to live out the rest of his life. I don't like HK as much as he does. It's a great place to visit, but not as a place to live.

First off, HK has grueling work hours, and lower pay. Granted, they have little to no taxes, but the corresponding salary is also lower. They just don't value human talent as much as North America because workers are cheap here. If all else fails, they can get workers from the mainland.

There's too many people. Always a lot of shoving, pushing and slow walking. Nothing you can do about it either. And with anonymity, normal nice people become assholes very quickly.

And the stress! Everyone seems so high strung at times, and yet they can sit on a minibus for 15 minutes and do nothing. They just sit and wait. Maybe they're used to the futility. I don't know.

Visiting my relatives was fun. Had dinner, and talked with my cousins. One's a struggling manga artist while another is in grade 11. He's doing microeconomic stuff that's basically out of the 1st year university curriculum. It's surprising how much they're taught, and yet, they're considered second class if they ever try to make it to North America. I don't know why.

Went to LKF to check out the carnival thing. Lots of drinking it seems and not much else. Took some great photos though. One in particular is a gem. I'll post it when I get back.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Out with Lisha

So today, met up with Lisha at 9:00am. But she was late. So 9:15. We tried to find something to eat, but was hard because we couldn't find anything we really like. Actually, it was because she got lost trying to find the noodle place to get fish ball noodles. I tell ya, most females can't handle directions at all! =P

Took her to Yoshinoya and tried beef bowls. She didn't really like it, whereas I thought it was okay. If you don't know what beefbowls are, they're like the beef set from Charlie's lunch box. It's thin strips of fatty beef fried with onions, topped over rice. Fast and cheap.

Then we went to Mongkok and TST. Looked around at books and stuff. Walked around way too much. Looked at shirts and shoes (for me, again) and Children's books (for her for tutoring). Most were too expensive, and I didn't want to buy before I came back from China, so basically window shopped.

While we were wandering around, we ate at McDonalds. There, I struck up a conversation with two 'foreigners'. I thought they were Australians, because there were two others at a nearby table with backpacks. It is usually the Australians that travel widely. Turns out they were not with them and they were Canadians! Also from Toronto. One's actually from 404 and Finch. (near Apache). They were here for the consumer fair in Guangzhou. They were in the clothing industry, selling stuff on ebay mostly. That was cool. Lisha drooled over one of them. Granted, I have to agree that objectively, he had the rugged look to him that had quite a charm. Fascinating people, that they would come so far to do business with China.

Then we went around, looking for another fish ball noodle place. Lisha has an unhealthy obsession with it. Saw another white guy. Turns out he's another Canadian, but from Owen sound, not Toronto this time. He's doing his undergrad in International Business in Taiwan. In his 3rd year, entering his fourth. And yet, he still perseveres. Good for him. At least he's willing to experience new stuff.

Then I led Lisha astray by walking in a circle like 3 times. Bad for me. Oh well, we did get home alright though.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

2nd day in HK!

Today, I got my reentry permit. Very short line at the Shatin office. Easily accessible and quiet, unlike the Yaomatei one. So we got it done before 12:00. Walked around. Discovered that Ikea has spread to HK with the same sort of food they served in Canada. Don't know how to feel about it. We ate at Maxim for my Roast Duck noodles. Great deal at 18HKD. Love the stuff. Walked around, looking for shoes and shirts. I know, I'm shopping. But I didn't get anything till I got back to mainland. Apparently, things are actually better there than it is in HK. Plus its cheaper.

Been looking for a white shirt with black vertical stripes. Every store I go into has white with green stripes, but no white with black stripes. The green stripes make people look like an accountant's ledger. Ugh. Why?

So anyways, Octopus cards are awesome. They're cards with RFID tags that act like prepaid debit cards. Used previously only for transportation (MTR, subways, buses, etc), now they can be used as a tracker for a reward program for various supermarkets, debit cards for bakeries and fast food joints, and even as cash for supermarkets. It's great how prevalent they are, and while they do track your spending habits if you subscribe to a reward program, they aren't personalized! At least, it doesn't have to be. The points on the reward program are earned on the card and can be used instantly. $200 dollars worth of spending nets you an instant $1 that can be used just by talking to the cashier to 'redeem' it. It's like what they can do with dexit in Canada. Except this one is successful. Don't give me that crap about TTC not having money. If they used this system, maybe they can earn more money by charging people that travel long distances more than people that travel short distances. Helps people budget for short hauls and makes people willing to use it more. $0.50 CDN would be fair for me to TTC from Finch and Steeles, but I wouldn't pay $3 bucks for it. It just doesn't seem worth it.

Anyways, there are very many attractive girls here. I hate to say it, but even though they may be small in the chest department, at least they're not obese like most North Americans. And maybe it's just a numbers game, but there are some REALLY good looking people. There are more girls here that fit my 'ideal' type than I have seen before. Could just be that there aren't as many people I see in Canada, but still. I saw a woman (probably 26-30?) who actually reminded me of Miyazawa from KKNJ (an manga/anime). I finally get what someone said about her in one of the episodes. While she isn't particularly pretty, the way every feature on her face is put together, along with the hairstyle, is just striking. It wasn't particularly beautiful, just very very cute. Apparently, I'm not the only one that things so, as I noticed an very nice engagement ring on her finger. Congratulations to the lucky guy.

I also like it when I feel like a giant coming back here. Everyone here seems so short. Or maybe it's because I finally stopped slouching (mostly). I tower over most people by a feet. The guys here also look very weedy and stringy (kinda like me, I suppose. I have to grow!), and yet, that's the norm here. It seems like rather than a detriment, stringy and weedy means you're successful in the intellectual pursuits such as finance or academia. It's definitely different.

Got some fake duck from Ajiichiban. That seems to be all for today.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Back to HK

A lot has happened since I last updated. I resolve to chronicle the past few days to the best of my recollection. This is because it is a record of things I don't want to forget, as well as helping myself express myself and update people on what's been happening.

So, I have a job now. It is at AMD/ATI as a C programmer. My title is ASIC layout designer/engineer, but I'll mainly be doing C programming. I got the interview on tuesday, sent them an updated resume on wednesday, and got a job offer wednesday night. It was a good day for me. On thursday, I met my supervisor's bosses, and was told the person who hired me would be leaving. Big shoes to fill, but I think I'd be alright.

After that, I pushed my start date as far back as possible. I was supposed to start Oct 15th, but I got it pushed back to the 29th, because of my trip back to HK. Yessir. I booked a trip on friday, and left on Oct 7. I arrived today and it was an 18hour flight. Not much happened throughout the trip. Pretty routine.

When I got to HK, I tried calling my dad to no avail. After one and a half hours of trying to find out what the problem was, I decided to buy a SIM card and call Canada. Turns out I was off by one digit and that my dad was waiting for me at home. Ugh. It was then 9:00, and we were supposed to finish everything that day (applying for HKID replacement, reentry permit for China, etc). Didn't get the reentry permit. Ugh. Turns out they closed down several government offices and there was a huge lineup for the Yaomatei one. No more placeholders were handed out so we couldn't get a reservation to see an immigration official. So we decided to get Dad's work done.

I got to see the seedy underside of the manufacturing world. There will be a few photographs that will be updated when I get back. Really interesting stuff. Seedy, gritty and REAL. People here really WORK for a living. None of that 8hour/day bullshit. Try 12-14 hour days. Just to make ends meet. Sometimes I wonder about HK.

There are greeters everywhere. From the departments stores, to the front of banks and fast food chains. And they're not the old greeters you find in Walmart either. They're attractive (at least the females, the guys look kinda nerdy, it's the thick rim glasses) and young. Why would they want to get stuck in a job like that? I suppose it is to make ends meet. I don't know. It struck me that there would be people satisfied or at least accepting of that position in society. I certainly can't see myself doing it, "stooping" down to that level. But I supposed its a necessity for them. At that moment, I really appreciate what I have. But at the same time, I think HK is a dead city because people here seem so SATISFIED with their mediocrity. They're like clogs in the machine and they're happy about that. Everyone seems satisfied as long as they can survive. And I just can't stand that.

The company structures here are a lot less bureaucratic than the ones in NA. At least for manufacturing. It's very touch and go. Each company is almost like a department for a larger company. The people I met, like Saito, are the middlemen connecting the companies together. Others, like Edmund and Tony, are purchasers for larger companies to distribute contracts. Others do manufacturing while others do quality control for products other companies make. It's a mess, but it seems to 'work'. It's hard to work with people in China, because the cost of living is low and entering and exiting the market is easy.

I had dinner with my dad and Edmund and Tony. Learned quite a few things about their view of HK and how they see the progress of the future would be. I learned to keep my mouth shut. While I do not agree with their points of view about progress, they do have more experience in HK than I do. However, I did get mildly angry when he stated that my views as a techie is irrelevant, because we techies make up a very small percent of the population. While I concede that we may make a small amount of the population, we do have influence. People do rely on experts and expert knowledge when purchasing, and there are certain people that influence the rest of the market quite wildly. From the whole tipping point viewpoint, there are a small number of people that affect the larger world, and I do believe techies do influence the world to a large degree, just by being early adopters.

Anyways, I also find it frustrating that the insane amount of progress HK has with the internet, while we struggle behind in Canada. They can do anything from change of address from several different government departments to file taxes, book tennis courts,reserve appointments with various government offices, etc, but lack the support of the people. People just don't use the internet as much here. Very resistant to change. Banks are still mostly teller run, as opposed to ATMs, with some banks only having tellers and huge amounts of paperwork in the background. Bloody inefficient. The government and private enterprise has done so much to progress, yet people are unwilling to accept change. Maybe its because HK doesn't have the economic progress (computers for everyone), to create a tipping point. People just can't access the internet easily, especially when the young'uns can't convince the old people that new ways have arrived. Especially in a Confucian society where the elder is always right.

Hotpot seems to be the biggest thing here nowadays. Every fast food place has some sort of 45HKD deal. And restaurants have all you can eat hotpot for 54. It used to be Korean bbq according to my dad. I don't understand the attraction really.

That's it for today. I'll keep at it.

Saturday, September 22, 2007


Another week, another rejection. This time, it's because I lack experience. C++ Experience. It's true. As an Electrical Engineer, there are few, if any, chances to practice software skills comparable to those learned by any Computer Science major. And yet, this is what I chose to be. A non-specialized hardware/software hybrid, that lack skills in both departments to make themselves useful. I can generally get a good grasp of ideas of what to do, and how to do it, but when it comes right down to it, I lack actual experience in doing anything it seems.

Yet, when I look at potential jobs and potential skill sets I can learn, I don't usually think of the possibilities that it would open up. That, I already know. It's like I already see each 'advanced' job as a specialized class with prerequisites. Yet, I know if I try to go for any of those 'advanced' jobs, I might miss out on other specialty classes along the way. It's hard to know exactly which one would be the most worthwhile and one that I like the most. I guess in a way, this is a commitophobia. I don't like to commit to things. I'd rather have enough potential to do anything. But that doesn't happen very often in technology. You're either software, or hardware. Hardware is much more specialized, but software requires much more experience.

For each job I see, I see 10 others that I'd miss out on. The gaming industry is certainly interesting and have a lively, young atmosphere, even if it is long hours and your game might suck. The financial industry is where the big bucks are, but is it going to be filled with old people and mathematical models? The hardware industry will always pay for expertise, but make you work long hours (past midnight) and tend to be so specialized, you're ruined for any other job. Account management and business management means that you'd develop people skills, but your technical skills with rust away to nothing. But it does mean you can go to business school for MBA.

I can see the possibilities for each one. But deciding on the one that would be the best...that's the problem.

You know what my dream job is right now? One that's in an industry I like (any of the ones mentioned above), with a corporate culture that's young and lively, in a city (not a town), with people I might know (like old friends) that just moved there and we could explore the city together. Or something. Vancouver would have been excellent, as would Seattle. Los Angeles as well. Whatever. I have to decide on a path. And I can't do it. It's just not in my nature.

Friday, September 07, 2007

I don't feel like writing

There seem to be multitudes of idea swirling in my head right now, but I find myself unwilling to commit them to a cohesive sense on paper. Unfortunately, I must let it out somehow, or I'll find myself unable to absorb new information.

mm...Edamame is delicious. I recently gotten myself several bags and I've run through them.

If I type Kevin with one finger shifted to the right on my right hand, it turns into Levom. Maybe that would be my new handle.

Food security is where its at. Now to make it affordable. No? Maybe its food knowledge. I mean, the nutritional transition is driving people obese.

I really should finish my story and the trailer. So far, I got an outline. But that's it. Oh, and I have to send out more job apps.

I need something to occupy my time. Wikipedia and Dota seem to drain my time, but does not balance the creative aspect of it. I feel used...

Will someone comment? I feel lonely =/ Everyone's working or something. It's just my brain and me. Will someone stop me from thinking!!!



Sunday, August 26, 2007

Salmon Roe Riceball - Ikura Onigiri Craving. =/

It's 3:16am. And I have this craving for a riceball with salmon roe in the middle.

Basically an ikura onigiri. I have no clue why.

All I got is beef jerky and egg rolls though.


Monday, August 20, 2007

Meeting new people

Meeting new people is definitely fun. Learning about different viewpoints, different cultures, a different life, is usually much more fun than anything else because it creates understanding. Bonus if that different viewpoint is from a very enchanting and beautiful woman.

Anyways, but like any other encounter in life, it is a memory. Sometimes I do understand what 'the incredible lightness of being' is about. After all, every event we will ever enjoy only comes once. It is almost as it never was and the event was incredibly 'light'. Nevertheless, I enjoyed it, although I think I'd enjoy it more if there was a higher chance that I'd meet them on a continual basis =P. Still, fun!
I will do that screenplay about JP and his stalker. All I need is enough pictures. I have the music. I'll have to write it out first. I think this will be fun!

Friday, August 03, 2007


Well, I haven't posted in a while, but all of a sudden, I feel like writing at 5:42 AM here in Toronto, so I took my sister's laptop and starting writing instead of sleeping because it is so hot here.

I hate heat. I prefer spring, autumn, winter...just not summer. It's too hot.

So what's happening so far in my life?

Job hunting: definitely one of the active topics. Been sending out resumes and transcripts to the jobs I'm interested in. Unfortunately, the jobs I'm interested in are quite far from my field (or a hybrid of sorts) that I do not have the credentials to be knowledgeable. While I may have the information, I can not accredit it to a course or a co-op term. Like the field of finance for example, or project management. However, I have the knowledge and I've used it in doing labs and my personal life, but meh.

Reading: Reading is always taking someone else's perception of the world and incorporating it into your own world-view. Just finished Harry Potter book 7. Finished it in 7 hours, mainly because it was quite...predictable. It's pretty traditional as a fantasy book, although new fans of the genre who got hyped up on the fumes of the book would think it is new. It's like the people who liked Lord of the Rings because of the movies. The original books were a piece of shit nowadays. I give credit where it is due. It was a great piece of work...for its time. It can be compared directly as a Charles Dicken's novel. Dicken's was paid by the word and was acclaimed in his time as a serial writer. Nowadays, we treat it as a literary masterpiece, but the normal person/fan thinks it is rubbish or too long to read. Likewise, Tolkien reads like he was paid by the word, the world is cliche, and modern sci-fi/fantasy players shun it. A good example/parody of this concept is DM of the Ring.

So anyways. Enough Tolkien bashing, HP 7 was decent. Reading more books like the Tipping Point and Unlimited Power.

Sleeping and TV shows: I think I have insomnia. Bad bad thing. Been sleeping, or lack of sleeping at odd hours. Watching TV through streaming. I watched way too much TV lately. And lots of previously undiscovered webcomics. Interesting stuff, but kind of fluffy. No real substance to it.

Food: I think we (we being Darrick, I and whoever else) should start a food club where we go to a different rated restaurant a week. Not that pricey as we're thinking of going to low cost food places or places with good price/food/quality ratio. We went to Pasta Perfection the other day (at Yonge and College) and it wasn't bad. 10 bucks for decent pasta is good. Although, it wasn't the greatest, it is probably the best we can expect for pasta on this side of the Atlantic for the price. (It's better than East Sides for pasta and lower price point too). Joe suggested a Maid Cafe (which is a cafe staffed with girls dressed as maids, which is a genre in Japanese Cafes, but not really interested) mainly because he doesn't want to go a) alone b) with someone that won't understand. Well I understand, even if I disagree with the sentiment. I won't look it, but I am a food enthusiast at heart.

Training: Weight training. While going to the gym may probably make me bigger, I probably wouldn't go at all, so the basement gym is a compromise. So far, it is working...barely. I work on it less than once a week and less than 30 minutes. I guess I should do it more often.

State: Well, I'm not depressed, but I'm not really happy. Content? Yeah. Just feels like my life's on hold until I find a job. I don't think I'm the person that's totally defined by the work he or she does, but it does help take up a significant portion of time, AND it gives me cash flow, which I'm lacking at the moment. Maybe, just maybe, I'll go to grad school, but only if I can figure out what I'm really interested in.

Jobs again: Two companies have always been at the top of the list. Deloitte, mainly because its consulting work and I'd like to work for a big company, but with a startup atmosphere. Consulting certainly encourages that. Infusion should fit the profile, but I don't fit the profile of its consultant that well. Plus its more specialized than Deloitte. The second interesting company that I recently seen is comScore. Never heard of it until recently, but it is a company that measures the Internet. I like the I just have to be able to work there.

Cooking: I'm thinking of getting the new Joy of Cooking cookbook that's been rewritten as the 75th anniversary edition.

That's the things that's going in my life so far. I'll update again when there's another significant event.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

This will return shortly

This will return shortly as I recharge myself out of this block.

In the mean time, all you can do is stay positive!

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Information Asymmetry

That is the power between the rich and the poor. Information. In the middle ages, you could say that strength was measured in the power of arms, but it was not true. It was just that the powerful had more access to learning materials than the poor. Nowadays, it is the same thing. The rich have social networks that is far beyond the power of the poor. As well, they have some resources available that would not be available to the poor. It would take a lot of the resources of the poor to equate to the resources of the rich. However, there are ways around that.

The Internet is one of the best use of the information flattening. Fortunes have been made on it because it has the power to distribute information and communication, so that the information asymmetry between the poor and the rich is not that great. The information asymmetry is there only if one closes his or her eyes to the truth.

The Internet helps because now the only difference between the rich and the poor is 2 things instead of 3. It used to be resources, information/knowledge and social network. Now information has been stripped. Resources can also be acquired through loans, and that brings it to 1.5 things. Social networks. Also information. All that one is required to do now, is to never stop learning.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

New Worlds

Every day, it is a struggle. It is a fight to get up, and face the day again. The unseen world expects nothing of you. It is a comfort, and while it may not be happiness that it grants, it gives contentment. Sometimes I wonder if I could stay in bed all day and live in that world of dreams where everything happens but nothing ever changes. There are no consequences for actions, nor is there any pleasure gained from any achievements there.

Each person has a world inside their head. A paradigm. A world-view. Different people see things through different eyes. One of the recent manga I've read is Mirai Nikki. It describes a bystander with an observer mentality forced into a fight to the death. He's portrayed as almost an extreme introvert. And yet, I find that observers, by their very nature, need to be participators. Otherwise, they will not be around to observe. The internet, as a voyeur/stalker tool, isn't advanced enough yet. Observers, by their need to record, will join things. Maybe not actually do a lot, but they will be there.

The Tipping Point has several pages in there that describe cool people as the extroverts with a devil-may-care attitude. In a way, I may say that I have that mentality. And it may be true. My world-view is certainly different from most other people. And I could care less, or else I'd align my world-view towards the general public. But I also don't have the overwhelming compulsion to extrovert and party hard. I do have the desire to find out about other people's world-view though. It is strange enough that I have yet to meet any similar people. But then again, I guess I just haven't met enough people.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm two different people. Two different mentalities. Fused into one. Similar to a facade or a mask, but more than either. Two aspects of the same person. That isn't that strange is it?

Regardless, I think that David Wu is right. That we may learn about a lot of things through books or experience, but all we're doing is to prove something that we already know instinctively in our hearts. Reading the Tipping Point and other business books so far certainly feels so.

Till I see you in my dreams, my dear Valkyrie.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Motive force

Everyone has a motivation to do what they do. After all, they wouldn't do it if there wasn't motivation behind what they were doing. Whether it is peer pressure, parental pressure or monetary pressure, each decision is carefully weighed by preception, emotion and thoughts.

However, one wonders how people can be so passionate about art. Or one can wonder how people can be passionate about anything but art.

Art is one of the great mysteries that we have in the world. It reflects something that simple language can't express. Music, poetry, prose, sculpture...the list goes on and on, all for the simple expression of a feeling, emotion, thought as light as a breeze. Just because language is so inept at doing so.

How about technical people? For the rest of us that aren't artists...the rest of us that are just making a living in the world... what is our motivation? Are we trying to express ourselves with our jobs, our money, our lives?

Sometimes I wonder if our lives are truly empty, as some people have stated, and that art is just a way of expressing our fleeting impressions of the world to the rest of us sheep. Then art fills us up for a while, before it becomes dull and mundane. I wonder...

Either way, music is good. Although I'm more of a fan for listening than writing it. Prose on the other hand, I might want to write. It's been said that everyone has a novel or two within him/her. All it takes is the motivation to do so.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

New ideas are awesome

because innovation is the very stuff of life. We make do without a lot of things, and we keep going. But what exactly allows us to create ideas that would eventually be the wide reaching, paradigm shifting innovations is a sharp mind, and a lot of analysis.

List of books to read:

Tipping point.
Any book on human factors.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Soundtrack of your life.

Well, I hate to delete notes but then I realize linking tags to it makes it intrusive into other people's lives. So here is it, imported from facebook.

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes)/ MP3 player
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie

Title - Artist

Waking Up:
Time Management - EBison (Chrono Trigger Remix)
-Well...this is strange...I don't have time management...

First Day at High school:
Seperate Ways (Worlds Apart) - Journey

Falling In Love:
Only When You Leave - Spandau Ballet I fall in love only when she leaves? This is sad.

Fight Song:
The Waiting Room - Sixpence None the Richer
-Certainly suspense building, since this song is about waiting for God...

Breaking Up:
Heart to Heart - Kai
-fits perfectly I guess.

It Might Be You - Kai
-Egotistical much?

Face the Change (Album Remix) - Every Little Thing
-Yes, apparently I need to face changes in my life.

Mental Breakdown:
True Colors - Every Little Thing
-Now my music is telling me I'm crazy!

Three Small Words - Josie and the PussyCats

Shapes of Love - Every Little Thing

Getting Back Together:
When Darkness Falls - Secret Garden

Is this feeling love? - Tommy February6
-cold feet?

Birth of Child:
Wrong Impression - Natalie Imbruglia

Final Battle:
Halfway Around The World - Thievery Corporation
-So I travel halfway around the world? Cool! Just for a final battle!

Death Scene:
Over and Over - Every Little Thing
-Wow. I don't ever want to know how I died there.

Funeral Song:
Come on Home - Natalie Imbruglia
-So I get shipped home in a casket. Or is there a religious implication here?

End Credits:
Killer's Waltz - Thievery Corporation

Theory reeditted.

I hate the fact that people misunderstand me so much because of the tone of voice I use. The fact that they try to dig for things that aren't there.

Here's the reeditted version of the previous theory, without the undercurrents of whinniness that wasn't there to begin with.

Thanks to someone reminding me about people concentrating only the lists etc, I will have to stop the stream of consciousness writing.
Emosoc is a quantification of emotional and social bonds that one feels by spending time with another person. Maybe something along the lines of something like Watts, J/s. But more like emotional and social bonds/day or something like that.

Suppose a human has a certain emosoc level achieve in order to feel not lonely. Now, emosocs can be achieved by spending time with people that have emotional or social bonds with the person. The deeper the relationship, the more emosoc that one generates. Now, there are modifiers to the number of emosocs that would make the person worth more in terms of emosocs. Friends, family and lovers/significant others all generate some form of emosoc.

Now, there are modifiers, such as past history, that would make a person be worth more on the emosoc scale. The exact quantification won't be available until a full survey and weighting schemes has been processed. I do believe emosoc levels would tend to be exponential in nature though.

Baring exceptional cases such as major trauma, a person's emosoc level stays the same. As well, the theory also states that additional emosoc levels pass the person's own personal emosoc level gain no additional benefits.
Now, just on a system level, can we use this to explain certain events?

Ie. People, when getting close to a new group of friends, usually become distant to an older group of friends. As they become closer to a new group of friends, their emosoc quota has been met, and because additional emosoc do not net additional benefits, they become more distant with an older group of friends. Furthermore, there will be a certain period of time between that whereby the person would try to stay in contact with both group of friends. However, their emosoc levels will follow a bathtub curve. At the midpoint, will lean either towards the newer group or older group because they suffer a small emosoc penalty because they are with neither group.

Ie. People (displaced people from university or work) will more likely to attend social events such as gettogethers than certain people with families or older groups of friends. Even when both of them are free (no events) and are equidistant from the point of the gettogether (work involved).

Ie. People when involved in a relationship with a significant other, become more distant to friends because their emosoc levels have been met. Additional levels of emosoc net no additional return.

Ie. People when displaced, will be in a void of emosocs. In order to fulfill their emosoc threshold, they will need lots of new friends or deep relationships. Now, more often than not because of constraints on time, a herd of new friends will not be possible and will seek a single point of a deeper relationship (or several, just to have that possibility). Most people would, after being displaced, seek out a group of friends and a deeper relationship. *

Ie. People when travelling or displaced tend to put on a better face in order to not frighten new emosocs away. Emosocs are harder to come by when travelling. Therefore, it usually ends with a) meeting new friends or b) deepening relationship with travelling companions in order to fulfill that emosoc deprivation.

*With the Internet, the number of new friends might not be real at all but virtual representations such as players in a MMORPG. Chat rooms and the like allow for a slew of less emosoc worth relationships. However, the number generated might be high enough for certain people.
There probably is a theory like this somewhere in the psychology. If anyone does know of one, can they tell me the name so I can read up on it.

Comments about this theory would be appreciated, and not about my whinniness or desperateness or whatever. This was what I was trying to get across before. Ish, I know I have a problem with my tone of voice (metaphorically speaking, as this is print), but I didn't know people would misunderstand me this much.

On relationships after grad.

Well, here's my newest theory.

I feel that people tend to commit more to serious relationships and compromise more directly after graduation because of several reasons which I list below:

1) After graduation, you tend to meet less and less people just because of the lack of time you have juggling a job and a life.
2) Most of your friends are usually busy or in different cities or there is some sort of problem with getting together regularly.
3) One person's schedule is easier to handle than several people's schedules at once.
4) You become more lonely.

So basically what happens is that after grad, you meet less and less new people. You tend to hang around your own smaller group of friends from work or people you meet. University friends and high school friends are typically busy or far away. You usually lack history with your current 'new' group of friends and therefore feel that it is a 'shallower' friendship than the ones you experienced in university and high school, where you have much more time to be together.

At the same time, more and more of your friends are getting into serious relationships, you aren't getting any younger, and people (like parents or grandparents) suddenly treat every next person you date as the next potential candidate to help them get grandchildren (or great-grandchildren). Who said that peer pressure and support from family isn't important. All you need is love....ha!

Because of the lack of social and emotional connection you feel from your current group of friends (the new ones) and the detachment and missing emotional part from your old groups of friends (Uni and HS buddies), you want something to fill a void. Let's say there's a measure for emotional and social connection called a emosoc (trademarked. I want my name in a paper!). Like an equation, let's say your new group gives you only 1 emosoc per person. Your old group gives 2 emosoc per person (from past history and connection from experiences). Now, your new group tend to be smaller then the old crew because you're new.

So let's say 6 for the new group and 10 people for the old group. So now presently, you usually feel approximately 6*1 emosoc or 6 emosoc per day. In uni or HS, you usually feel 10*2 emosoc, or 20 emosoc. Because of how busy people are and stuff like that, in order to feel like you did in university and high school, you need either, 14 new friends, 7 old friends to hang around, or either enter a new very serious relationship that would provide the lack of 14 emosoc in your life. Usually 14 new friends or 7 old friends takes too much time to cultivate and they would rather dedicate time to a much deeper connection just because they don't have enough time. I think this is the drive that makes people compromise and settle. I don't think its because mainly people are scared that they're going be "crazy cat ladies" or "old farts". People aren't that long-sighted. They just feel lonely as they grow older and need a stronger and stronger relationship to fill that void.

This is all relative though. Because everyone has a different emosoc level that they're used to. And it is only usually after they move into a new place that they realize the relative difference. Usually though, I find that most people have a similar number of friends in their life. As soon as one friend usually come in to their life, another one becomes substantially less important. This also explains why some people, as soon as they are in a relationship, drop all their friends. Their emosoc levels have been met and usually can't support the extra links. Most people that I know usually don't change their emosoc levels much. It remains constant. What does seem to change is that as soon as you try to go into a bigger group of friends, you become more distant somehow. This is semi-understandable as you only have a certain number of hours you can dedicate to friends (You only have 24 hours/day after all).

Girls also don't seem to form shallow friendships as easily as guys, and therefore tend to feel lonelier. Hence, more clingy. Well, I guess that blows my 'requirements' out of the water. Oh well, here's to trying.

So anyways, that's my reasoning for why people seem to grow that much more serious after university. Apparently, that's the right age to get settled down and married. I think that's only because of this.

Quarterlife crises. Seriously, what's up with that?

Sometimes I wonder about mental health and how it disrupts us. We strive so hard to be special, and it always hurts a little inside when we find that we are merely interchangeable clogs in society. We lack confidence at that point and basically become hollow shells of ourselves.

Sometimes life doesn't go as we plan, and sometimes it does. We never seem to know when it does and when it doesn't. But at our age, it's so hard to see a sign about what we should do. Either way though, all we can hope for is that we don't do something we regret. Like missing out on life in certain ways.

Some people will turn to religions. Others turn to family or friends. Others turn to their special someone. All of those help, but in the end, the decision to make is still your own. To be content, or to be happy. To compromise or stick with integrity. It's a fine line to walk between, between contentment and stagnation, satisfaction and mediocrity and happiness with uncertainty. Sometimes I feel like we just don't appreciate things because we haven't suffered enough. Personally, I don't feel like I am strong. I bear no scars of the past. People talk about artists needing to suffer before they can create true art. I state that it is by scars of the past, emotional and mental, that allow people to be great.

I don't believe I can post that I condone suicide, but I do believe some people feel despair to the point where we probably wouldn't understand. Nobody ever lives the same life as another person. We all make choices that other people wouldn't understand.

It's that reason why people aren't truly logical and they remain the last bastion of true chaos. Sometimes I wonder if that's the reason I find psychology and this all so fascinating. That we can never truly understand the people we live with in this world. That all we can do is conjecture based on own experience. It's sad really. That sometimes I wonder if when we do find someone that we really connect with, even then you can't sure your perceptions with them. That I believe is why we have art. Because we try, incompletely and blindly, to express ourselves with bad tools. The problem is how do we create better ones. I guess all I'm waiting for is technology that allow us to interface directly with our brains and share our perceptions directly. Yet, it is times like these that I wonder if we really have a soul. Some kind of hidden spark then, that makes us special and unique. I'd like to believe that, I really would, but I can't. Just because from what most of us experience, life just doesn't really work that way. We live because we are just there. It's hard to feel special, and I suppose that special someone might be a surrogate for that inner spark.

We live our lives and wonder why some people did what they did. How do other people perceive the world? Each person has a different perspective on the world. How do we tap into it? If we ever figure that out, it would probably be the worst thing in the world, because the mystery of thinking would be gone and we would be able to control the thoughts of others, just like how we try to control the environment. After that, we'll be like sheep and the beauty of the last remaining bastion of chaos would be gone.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Ambitions or ambitious

So, what exactly do we want out of life? Some people are content with what they have, while others are forced to be content with what they have. Others dream of lofty goals and never accomplish them, while others settle for anything because of the fear of disappointment.

I was of the latter school of thought. I achieved 'success' at an early age from academia and never thought of what I wanted to do with my life. Honestly, I don't know what I want to do with my life. While others dreamed of being an astronaut while others dream of becoming the fireman, police officer, doctor and lawyers, my dream was to be a navigator on a starship, or a mage from a foreign land. I wanted to be remarkable. Then my academic success dwindled, because I have never liked to get into specifics. I'm excellent at doing things the second time around, but I'm absolutely horrible the first time, and I don't improve after the second. For most of my high school life, I coasted by because most of the mathematics were taught to me before. High school was a giant review session that gave me enough knowledge to do well on contests.

In university, it was all new material, and thus I couldn't cope. At best, I could do approximately 80% of the material on exams. And that's a reason why I can't do well in university. I have had to have taken the courses before. And there aren't extra tutoring stuff in university for students that really want to excel unless you do it on your own. I never had the will power to do it. So I coasted by and never achieved anything. Sad if you think about it and now I feel regretful. It was in university that I started to read much more non-fiction. It also helped that wikipedia and other info websites sprung up at that time. It was then that I realized I really didn't have a clue at what I wanted to do. I like the pursuit of knowledge for itself. I cannot get in the specifics because my memory is just not that good. I love systems and learning how the world works. Of course, I'm quick to criticize any system that isn't operating on maximum efficiency. Right now, I don't know how that is useful in anyway besides being a good quality to have in a systems analyst.

That's the problem with me. I'm a jack of all trades. I get too easily distracted because the world is interesting and boring. It is interesting some of the days, and during the others, it is boring. I wonder what I want to do. I want to know enough so that I could actually have power. I feel powerless somehow. I can't read minds, which is pretty much the ability I would want. Humans to me pose the biggest challenge because free will is chaos in its purest form. While behavioral analysis reveals trends, it never reveals specific actions. Even in Foundation, by Isaac Asimov, while their social science is so advance they can predict general trends in population, it cannot predict individual motion of atoms (people). People to me represents the last frontier. Space is just too lonely for me to explore.

And yet, sometimes people are so simple. Some people have a very small mind. Their reactions are stereotypical. Stereotypes exist for a reason: because we want to live in an accepted norm. By living in a norm, they can function in a society. They are accepted because of their consistency. People that break stereotypes are no accepted because we don't fit into the routines of other people. And there are people that put on a facade stereotype to blend in. It is hard to separate the interesting people from the sheep.

Plus, another problem of the whole relationship thing is the insecurity of being vulnerable. Stereotypes gives us a way to standardize the whole process so that we don't runoff from the insecurity. The whole mating/courting ritual is almost like a sign that I'm scared of you, and that I think is not how a relationship to start: with fear and insecurity. I think the most success people are ones that break the whole mating/courting ritual.

Or its a numbers game. I don't know which yet.

There is nothing so common as the need to be remarkable. That's truer than anyone knows. Perhaps I was only searching for a relationship because to be special to oner person is already remarkable in itself. It is a surrogate for the ambition I feel within me. I want to be recognized. Instead of the time and risk involved in an ambitious venture like a startup, perhaps I thought it could be appeased with love. That's special, right?

So what are my goals? Not dreams, but goals. Achievable goals. Don't call me dreamless, because I have plenty of dreams, but goals are what people do in life. And damn if I want to let life get away too far this time. My goal right now is to get hired. Then to get an MBA. Then work for a startup or something. Another goal is to pen my novels from the ideas that I have written down. I want to be able to cook the things that I have always dreamed about. I want to be a gourmand as well =p.

From the goals I have listed, I want to never lose the passion I feel. Right now, I feel like a cold fish, without the spark of life that makes us human. Comedy, TV shows, manga, and information can only help so far. The drive and spark is inherent in all of us, and must be fanned by our own sense of worth and pride before we feel passionate about something. I think I lack passion, motive and commitment. Potential is there. All I need to do now is harness it. University was a big time waster of regrets. All I can do is hope not to repeat the mistakes of the past.

Till next time we meet, my Muse and Valkyrie.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Back in To

Well, the trip to Europe was certainly fun. However, all good things must come to an end. I met a lot of good people on the tour, and they're now on my facebook list. All interesting people.

I think I took many good photos on the trip. Several of them are good enough to blow up to poster size in my opinion. And the quality is superb. I'll put some of them up in full size so you can appreciate it. Expect links to be up here week? Have to ask my cousin for space.

Also, my imagination seems to have soared when I wasn't near a computer. Several new dreams/plot ideas have been recorded. Damn interesting ones in my opinion, and actually workable for a 'short' story. I just have to write it now.

As for my job search, I don't know what I want yet. I'm just shooting resumes out and hoping for the best. I should look harder, but so far I don't really have the will to do so. I don't know what it is, but I feel like such a sloth at home. I must work up more motive power.

The first 2/8 pictures are on facebook. They're the selected 80 pictures from a list containing more than 1280. But like half of those are drunken pictures, so... Anyways, you'll have fun watching it. I hope.

I'll post the artistic ones up later.

Sweet dreams, my Valkyrie.

Sunday, April 29, 2007


It's been two weeks again.

The Microsoft interview went decent I thought. Although I think I may have failed the first one, the latter few went relatively alright. Hopefully I get hired. If not, I don't know what else to do.

So the Europe trip is coming up. I'm planning to buy a new camera for that. A Fujifilm Finepix F30. Went to Scarborough Town Center for tax forms the other day and went to Black's. I was wavering between the Finepix F30 and the new Canon SD 1000 Elph. The Canon SD Elph was nice, but the Finepix seemed to have a better sensor array and take better pictures overall. So right now I decided on the Finepix F30 even though it looks like a block, I've heard that it feels solid in the hand. At Black's, the sales rep there went through a complete transformation after I started talking about the Fuji products. She's like a fangirl for Fuji products. However, Black's didn't carry Fuji products unless its by special order. Talked for a while about how bad corporate management is and the lack of marketing for Fuji products. Had a really good time talking to her because she seems to know what she was talking about. Anyways, the Fujifilm Finepix F30 it is. 2GB xD card too.

In other news, no other news yet. Went over to Joe's and talked about stuff while watching the Senators vs. Devils game. He made a good observation. I don't really have any hobbies. I have: a) RPG games/DOTA/ Gaming in general b) Manga/Anime c)Monopoly/Scrabble d) Poker e)Alternative History/Sci-fi/Fantasy fiction. Also, there's psychoanalysis and just thinking, which tends to be solo activities. Hmm, can't really get into most music except obscure little bands that I can't seem to remember half the time.

So anyways, I think that a relationship between two people have to have at least some element of commonality. Joe disagrees. Meh. I'll thresh this idea out later.

Well. Don't know what I'll do tomorrow or later. But hopefully I'll get good news.

Monday, April 16, 2007

It's time to start again.

I guess my blood has been calling out to leave some more memories or feelings or some other inner person stuff here so I don't have to deal with it. It's nothing special, but it is a procedure for me to do. It also helps that I'm semi-bored nowadays.

Just check the exam. I think this is the first time I overstudied for an exam. Because I overstudied, I used techniques that were incorrect because I was overthinking the problem. Doesn't that annoy the hell out of me. Understudied, I can get. Overstudied? I feel stupider for even doing it.

Anyways. I believe I am intensely attracted to the whole concept of tsundere girls. Perhaps its just because I like the concept of a challenge? Or maybe it fits my idea of romance? Who knows. But meh, we aren't all lucky enough to get what we need, much less what we want. Only time would tell. What a passive sounding answer. But fortune favors the prepared, even though disappointment follows the hopeful.

Boy. That was total emo right there. Maybe I should cut back on the apathy and angst that's left over from my teenage years. Oh well. It's been a good five years, even if it isn't the best. But then again, good is a lot better than bad.

Next up, Microsoft Interview on the 23rd and Trip starting on the 8th.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

So....what now?

Well. 414 marks got released. I passed, but the mark for that course is better left unsaid. Much worse than I expected.

Not that it really matters now I suppose.

So I finish my last ECE exam. Only 1 left and I consider that one a joke. So I'm probably going to spend very little time on it.

Have you ever trained with weights. Like power wrists and ankle weights? After you take them off, you get a refreshing feeling. You feel lighter to the point of feeling like you could fly. I guess that's how I feel about exams. It's over and my hardest exams are done. All I have left is freedom, and its a heady feeling. But then again, I sometimes feel like something is missing. Like some type of external motivation of some sort.

Sometimes I feel bored. Sometimes I wonder if my life likes to play with my emotions like this.

On another hand. My dreams have just become weird. And studying for an interview takes hard work. Sigh.

Back to studying. This time for the interview.

Monday, April 09, 2007


Sigh. 414 did not go well. This is just an update post.

There was a whole bunch of stuff I was planning to write before, but I have forgotten it, unfortunately.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


A bit late for a new post, but Gradball was AWESOME. It's kind of sad that its the last time any of us will be together doing the same activity, but it was fun while it lasted.

So, the night of, we had 16 people going into a single limo. Stretch limo SUV. Had some champagne in the motor vehicle, and basically had fun talking and such. When we got there, there were lots of people that I haven't seen in a while. There were pictures galore, as a lot of people had cameras. There were poker tables (in which I just played away everything), dancing, and food. The food wasn't very good. But meh. Who cares. There was a lot of talking, dancing etc. Pictures have already been posted on facebook.

Then the afterparty. We left around 1 o' clock. Went to Lan's place to have the girls change into more comfortable clothing. Then we went around to Darrick's place in order to have alcohol, food and music. Fun times. Then we played Mafia for 3 hours until we all left around 6:30. definitely good times.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Screwed up

Sigh, knowing all the tech in the world doesn't change the fact that you sometimes go back to your old habits and/or don't use them in a clutch.

So I met this beautiful girl in the biohealth Symposium. Was in a group with her for one of the sessions. Didn't get any IOIs, but I don't think I screwed up too badly. At least I came off as an interesting guy. Problem was that I was supposed to follow this up during the dinner period that they had scheduled. However, I didn't approach her at this time (namely because I didn't know what to say without sounding like an idiot), and instead just kept to some other friends that I saw over the course of the symposium. At one point, I think we made eye contact. I nodded at her, but I don't think she saw it. She just looked at my general direction then looked away. Anyways, I'm still quite and AFC. I think I need some more help in this area. I screwed up I think. No question about it.

On another hand, besides labs, my life is going pretty good. I just got contacts too. Oh well. Over-analysis is fun to do, but doesn't do anything ultimately. Life goes on. But dang, she was pretty.

Till we meet again, my Valkyrie.

Friday, March 09, 2007


Haven't updated in a week, but that's because I've been sick and not because I didn't want to post. On Tuesday, I was barely alive and Wednesday, I was getting better. Today, I'm almost recovered. Except I was overly smart for my own good and thought warm liquids will help me hydrate faster. The problem? Well, I still have the premium stash of tea that Ammon gave me 2 years ago, and decided to brew some good shit.

Tea is not a hydration liquid. It dehydrates you. Probably because of the caffeine. It did stop my coughing...until I stopped drinking the tea. On the plus side, the tea tasted excellent. I drank a liter of tea before I felt my throat getting worse. This made my drinking of at least 6 liters of water a day for Tuesday and Wednesday futile.

Now, with my cranberry juice that my sister brought, things are looking up. I keep only sleeping at odd hours though. And I'm afraid I keep Takako up all the time because of my coughing. The only time I found to be a relief from coughing was to turn the bathroom into a small steam room and steam the room so I could breathe. Face it, heating units in suites are like dehumidifiers. They suck out all the moisture and make breathing difficult.

I'm getting a Microsoft interview down in Seattle. Problem: I need to review my coding skills. Solution: I've been provided with excellent resources. I see no future problems, but I must make sure I learn the stuff correctly.

So, what happened when I was sick. I lacked motivation to play games as I was really sick. I did get my passport on Tuesday and also stopped by Chapters. Read Kare Kano volume 21 there. It was the end, and while it seems a bit weak for an ending, at least the loose ends are tied up. I also bought Neil Strauss' "The Game" there. Very interesting book. I spent Tuesday and Wednesday reading this book. Then I spent today watching Keys to the VIP: A professional league for players. So what I learned is that there is a procedure to all this, and rationale behind it! Or at least, there's always a ton of theorycraft. But it helps in adjusting my model of human behavior. Seems like an interesting skill set to pick up. I've been exposed to the seduction community before, when a friend sent me a beginner's guide for AFCs, but the book is clearly written and very engaging. If nothing else, I find that it's already helped me understand a bit more about humans in general. Maybe I should look into NLP books.

But on the other hand, as much as I like the theory behind attraction and the game, I like it because of its competitive nature. Not because it will get me laid or numbers. I think I'd prefer a girl that's like Sam in Garden State. But Large only met her through chance. So I have to either pick up girls not at clubs or hope that I'm really really lucky. Both of which may happen, but with the latter option almost being negligible.

Other news...let's see. Got my eye exam today. No major problems, which is good. I'm going for my contact lens appointment on Tuesday. So I'm getting contacts. Whoopee for me.

Oh yeah, one other thing. My dreams for the past two days have been really weird. Involves me being an assassin and basically I'm in fear for my life. The scary thing is that they're linked. I've forgotten what the first dream was really about. Tonight dream was about something like they wanted to team up with me and I refused. Now I act as the obstacle for those two towards their cornering of an industry. It was drugs, I think. Anyways, I help the last piece of the puzzle for them, so they were hunting me down with no regard to cost.

Anyways, time to go and try to sleep. Until we meet again, my Valkyrie.

Friday, March 02, 2007

I'm so emo it hurts.

Haha. I'm going through all the old songs I have. "Much too scared to let my feelings show. But you shielded me, and that was the beginning..." Most of my favourite ones are the sadder ones that talk more about the emotional uncertainty and how they can't seem to act. I guess music is sort of a reflection of who you are. If you can find songs that fit you. So what does it mean when I like stuff like Lady of Shallot by Loreena McKennitt or certain Jpop songs?

I feel lost. Very lost. Right now, I don't think I have thought of anything I really like to enjoy doing except winning in something. I dislike losing. But then again, I haven't sharpened my skills in any real competitive thing. Maybe simpler, I don't even care about winning that much. More like being recognized. I'd rather be the honorable/dignified/competent person on a losing team than a forgettable winner. I realize that some fame can come at the cost of popularity or doing bad things would get you noticed a lot easier. But that is not for me. I don't think I want to do something bad just to get noticed.

I've noticed that I have two sides to me. One that is empathic towards other people, and one that totally disregards others. The empathic one can not act, for it cares too much. The disregarding one does not act, because it feels too apathetic to do so. But I do notice I can stop my emotions (kill it if you will) by will if I wanted to. I don't know why I developed this skill, but its been there since JHS. I would call it different sides of me if they weren't so different.

Montreal was fun. Darren, Muzzafar, Levent, Yan, Darrick, Allen and I all went down to Montreal for a weekend. Got 4 dozen bagels and 2 pounds of smoked meat. Already finished a dozen of them.

Ahh. As from my last post, I was supposed to go on about girls. But that's too long for a 7:50AM post, so that will be the next post. However, that may be a while. I've decided to start writing again.

Good night and till I meet you again, my Valkyrie.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Long post ... because I had time.

Playing around with my old computer really makes me remember of what could have been. I have so many old ballads that I had on my old computer that have the 'rain' theme in it. If I ever had an emo phase, that would have been the time to label it as such. Back then, when I was in grade 11 and 12, I was very deep into introspection. I did not really fit in. I had a different view than most people. In order to fit in better, I tried to analyze my way in by imitating others. However, after a while, in university, I realized that there was no point in it. It helps to develop camaderie, but eventually, it is who you are that people judge you for. I was different. Or unique. Or messed in the head. I have a self-image/self-esteem problem, but at the same time, I'm elitist in certain aspects. I'm a walking contradiction and I don't know how to handle that sometimes.

Coming back home has been a walk in the past. Without the distractions of the internet, I feel continuously bored, but at the same time, it was refreshing to think again. Since grade 11 when I first got broadband, I think that most of my time have been either on Realms (a MUD), warcraft 3 (a RTS) or WoW. Between downloading anime/manga/TV shows and watching them, I barely had time to do anything else. Sometimes, I think that its a waste of time. Most of the time, it is like a drug that stops me from thinking, and sometimes it helps. Thinking, overthinking, and overanalyzing hurts sometimes. Many enterprises of great pith and moment, with this regard, their currents turn awry and lose the name of action. I also think that is why so many people like to drink. It makes them stop thinking of the consequences. Some of my friends don't understand why anyone would want to lose their 'sense' of reason. In a way, it is liberating. In another perspective, it is incredibly stupid. However, drinking does stop you from thinking and starts you on acting. On the other hand, I don't drink at a club because I find clubs are not fun. I don't enjoy dancing. Girls (and maybe some guys) think dancing/grinding is only acceptable at a club. When you can do stuff randomly and people would chuck it up to being at a club. Me, I do random stuff all the time, and people call me weird. I just call it 'who the hell cares what you think'? I think I have too much anarchist in me. But then again, I adher to order a lot more than chaos. I try to follow the rules still. It is an interesting paradox. I guess it may be that I like an overall framework but I would bend the framework as much as I can to fit myself. Or change myself to fit the framework. I'm nothing if not adaptable.

But I guess this really hurts my chances of meeting people I click with. I kind of miss how we use to be. Nowadays, most of my friends (and probably me as well) are, in my humble opinion, stuck in a rut. We get along fine, but we know enough of each other that most of the time, we're bored of each other. We know exactly what we would do in case situations. It kind of saddens me to think so, but it is the case. And older friends, we are drifting further and further apart. Sometimes I wonder what we had in common in the first place. But then again, I could analyze that to be a case of situations. Nowadays, I keep up with mainly a few old friends, but the rest, I rarely see. And this really makes me...sad? melancholy would be a better word. Given the pattern, this will happen to my university friends as well. At least we each hold a love of 'electrical engineering' in our hearts to make a connection that will stand a bit of the test of time.

Finding 'friends' is hard enough. And yes, friends are hard to find. Friends are not people you call up every so often. Fine. I think the english language lacks enough words to describe the levels of friendship. I think the term would be buddy. Finding buddies. No, not really. But people who really get you. People who get who you are, what you are and where you're going. Those people are hard to find.

My first year was 'wasted'. I did nothing but pretty much stayed at home. To this day, I still haven't gone to a house party. Second year, our class was cohesive. We did many more things then we did. However, because some people failed out, our class seperated again. And Third year, we started going to clubs/bars, but I stopped going to class. And its fourth year already. Clubs now hold almost no interest to me. I feel bored at most bars unless I drink enough. Sometimes I wonder what I do for fun. Now I kind of see why some people take drugs.

I thrive on quick competitions. Scrimmages of indoor soccer, or DOTA on warcraft 3. I find them immensely challenging and fun. Long competitions are not as fun, but I still enjoy it. But struggling for marks, I find boring. It is not a fair challenge. It tests theoretical knowledge that is just that, theoretical. It changes nothing. Knowing one single fact at one point in time changes nothing about what things will occur in the future. Project courses are different. I enjoy project courses, where the whole purpose is to build something and have it demonstrated to the world. Theory may change the world, but much less than the application of said theory. People may argue with me that I have no weight in my opinion by going against years of traditional doctrine that states that it has always been thus and marks in university is a good gauge of how good you are. I find that it is not. But others will probably not agree with me. I used to do well in high school because we knew what we knew at that point was not enough to change the world. We treated exams and tests as competitions. I enjoyed it. It was fun competing with Edwin and Edmund for marks on tests. It was a game. But in university. Too many people took it too seriously. It was also not what you know what you can do that was important. It was whether or not you knew some obscure fact at this point in time. No matter that you would forget it in an hour after the exam. It tested your memorization abilities. People with photographic memories would almost definately ace an engineering exam. Me, I think it is retarded.

I just watched Garden State again, and I really think it is my favourite movie ever. It is strange, but its theme and its acting really touches me. It describes a bit exactly of how I want my happily ever after to look like. Too bad it is a movie, and pretty much a flight of fantasy. The commentary that the actors provided on the DVD expresses how I feel very well. I'd rant about the girl aspect of the movie later, but it describes the numbness and the search for contentment very well. You know why I was so apathetic about things? Because I felt that it doesn't matter. A lot of things don't matter in this world. But we keep doing it because we feel that it does. Sometimes I wonder about sports teams. Celebrities. Porn.

I don't understand why my friends like going to strip bars. Granted, they like the view, but last time I went, I fell asleep. I was tired that day, but it really held no interest in me. Haha. I wonder if there's something defective about me. But I mean, to me, the most interesting physical feature of a person is the face, and I don't need to go to a strip club to see that. Shrug. I mean, if all they want to do is to see some titties like Method Man in Garden State, they'll probably have it easier by downloading from the internet. Oh well. To each, their own.

And another comment that Zach Braff made in the commentary of Garden State that resonated with me. It was during that scene when Large told Sam he likes her. Zach comments that if you ever tell your female target you like her, you want her response to be that. After watching the movie again, I feel that he's right on.

And after watching Heroes, I wonder if I had to have a power, I would like to have Sylar's. His personality is similar to mine, in that we both try to understand everyone and everything around us. Personally people think a lot of things that are probably wrong about me, I think. In Montreal, after coming back from a club early (Muz and I left early because we were bored), I turned the channel to Showcase. It was their friday lineup of soft core porn and they had a documentary about the porn industry called Porno Valley. On another channel was 'The world is not enough'. To me, I found the documentary much more interesting because it featured how people responded at 'porn' conventions (which looked so similar to anime conventions) and how the actresses reacted to certain things. To me, stuff like that was interesting not because of its pornographic appeal, but because it showed me something about life that other people would that I would not do. It showed me something new about the world that I would not have found out otherwise. I think if I could do anything I want to do, I would either be a) just try to be content and probably in a loving relationship with someone or b) I would devote my life to my work of cateloging knowledge. I would love to know how things work because it is cool to know stuff that other people don't. That, I guess, would be a reason why I'm in engineering. Not because I'm super-interested in designing the next revolution of technology like the personal computer, but because to me, just finding out how cell phone networks or the internet works is cool.

Of course, my personal wish would be to be a student of cognitive science and psychology. Even better yet, I would have the ability to mind read people. That way, I can understand people even more. In my opinion, that's the biggest challenge to me yet, understanding other people. Most things have a static output given a certain input. It's the basis of casuality. It is the basis on how we think of the world. Only humans really reject that. We are the only truly chaotic element in the world. Everything else, such as quantum theory, are chaotic only because we don't understand what type of quasi-psuedo random number generator "God" is using. On the other hand, it could be just that we don't understand ourselves enough to know exactly what we will do to certain situations. I think there would be a huge future for that technology. But it will probably end civilization as we know it.

Enough about what I want or what I wish. Wanting or wishing doesn't make them happen, although it is probably a step in the right direction. i want to be happy, even if it is alone? Yes, even if it alone. At least I'll have my muse. I don't think many people in the world right now are happy, or even content. We strive for frivolous things, but never for things that we need to build a stable foundation. We're willing to risk a content life for a happy life. Is that a fair risk? I don't know. I'll tell you in 20 years.

Well, I definately feel less nostalgic now. I'll write about girls some other time. Good night and sweet dreams, my Valkyrie.

Monday, February 12, 2007

The brain is a feedback machine

The brain, is a feedback machine. We can break it just as easily, if we entered inputs that the brain was not supposed to handle. This means that we can break minds just by creating extreme sensations, not just pain, but pleasure. That I believe, covers the breaking of minds using torture and drugs. Now, there are two ways to counteract this problem. One is to make the mind dampen down on extreme pain or pleasure. While this might be good in the short run, it is not viable in the long run. Loss of pain or pleasure means a loss of sensation in general. Therefore, in the long run, the person's feedback of reflexes and actions would be slower than those that have not dampened down.

The other method is to make the brain used to the pain or pleasure so that the range of pain or pleasure a mind could take is increased. It will still retain sense of the pain or pleasure, but the brain will not shut down automatically. However, this means a long training process, which may not be viable.

The brain is a mighty fragile thing.
I think any world, anything that exists follow a set of rules. Yes, the rules may change, but there will always be a set of rules. Every situation will have certain rules. The point is that as long as you can figure out the rules, and the way to change it, you'll win. There is not a thing in the universe that is made entirely out of chaos and chance. If it did, it wouldn't exist for very long.

Anyways, I don't know what I'm writing. Only that these ideas seem interesting somehow. Yes, I know I haven't posted for a while, but I just haven't felt like it lately.