Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Lack of meaningful topics

Alas I'm out of meaningful topics. At least, I can't recall them. I always get these kickass topics that I know would go over the blog well, but I keep forgetting them at night. I usually get them in the morning as I'm biking to work, so I have to remember to write them down or something.
Instead I guess, I'll tell you about the dream I had last night. IT was very weird, as dreams go, even for me. My dreams, as I have stated before, are linear, except this was very very weird. It involved a fantasy setting, and I don't recall much now, but at the time, I felt that it was extremely real.

The basis was that somehow the protaganist was rich and his wife was a golddigger. Somehow she poisons him and she stands to win all the money from the death. Instead, as he is about to die, he is able to reverse time by a bit and see through the eyes of his son, who is 9 years old. His daughter remains unaffected. The son, then travels to a doctor who specializes in revival medicines and time travel. He loves his wife very much and sees the golddigger just as a part of her traumatize past that he wants to heal. So he grabs the medicine from the medicine man, who warns him to be very careful with it as it had cost very much to the family (the crime family I believe he was talking about). Each of the medicinal pills looked like giant jawbreakers with a white coating that made it look like an eyeball. He warns that each of the pills were so expensive because each of them contains the life essence of a dragon (a dragon was killed for each pill). He then sends him back in time to where his wife was a kid (and supposedly the traumatized experience occured). He changes the past, which in turn turns his golddigger wife into someone who loves him as much as well. The poisoning never happens and instead, something else happens, and that's when I woke up.
Not as exciting as a topic of discussion eh. Maybe next time. Ahh...need sleep now. I still need to think of a topic for my work term report. Sigh. After the tuition bill comes, with the amount of money I have now, I'll have to scimp a lot for books and stuff. Sigh.

Friday, November 25, 2005

To account for dreams

Dreams is a very special topic for me. For me, dreams represent something foreign and unknown, yet comforting in a strange way. In many ways, when I finish a dream, I feel nostalgic, as if I was refreshed by a memory I have long forgotten. I've tried throughout the years, to write down some of my dreams and try to figure them out.

Most of my dreams do not follow any set protocol. There are no real symbols that I can discern. Instead, each dream is a story, a small plotline that goes from anywhere from the beginning to the end. Sometimes I'm launched into the middle of the story with knowledge about the basic people. Others, I see from the beginning to an abrupt end (when I wake up). Most of these dreams are adventures. I've been a spy, superscientist, modern military scout, mecha pilot, everyday guy, a hero, a fallen outcast, a psychic user, a regular schoolkid-turned-pilot... Each of these dreams have some sort of adventure to it. It's weird. Sometimes I'm just trying to solve a mystery.

For quite a while now, I have noticed a girl in my dreams though. Since the beginning, there was a girl there. There are several aspects of this girl. In one type of dream, she's a mysterious figure. On my side, but only helps me out occasionally. In one dream, for example, she's the lead scientist that developed a process to develop weapons that only exist in potentia, hence developing legendary weapons such as Excalibur. (There's a whole story to this. If you ever want to know, you'll have to ask me directly). In other dreams, she's on the opposite side and we're enemies at first. There are two endings to the dreams where she's on the opposite side. In one, both sides are nearly wiped out and the conflict is over. However, she still feels loyalty to her people and while we can still meet, it is a painful goodbye. The other ending is where we reject both society and become outlaws from both sides of the conflict. Another aspect is where she is clearly just an observor like me.

Weird huh. However, what is weird is that I can never see her face. And although her hair style changes, it is almost always straight hair, either black or brown.

I've taken to calling her my Valkyrie, named after the Norse goddess who take the fallen dead to Valhalla. I don't know why I chose that description, but it seemed to fit.

If anyone want to suggest a meaning to all this, I'm all ears. Until then, I guess it's time to sleep for me.
Oh, have you ever had a sense of nostalgia by the environment you're in? For me, there are 2 environments that seem to envoke a feeling of wistful longing or rememberance of something lost. The first is the night of the summer sky. As I'm walking down the park, looking up towards the black horizon in a diamond scattered sky, with crickets chirping and the soft breeze of the night, it makes me feel as if something is missing. No, someone. It's as if there should be two people walking down the path I'm walking on. Heh. I believe it was a famous poet (forgot who now) that said that if June nights could talk, it would brag about how it invented love.

The other environmental condition is the other extreme. That of extreme winter. Picture a chilling silent winter evening, with the light of the stars being bounced back by the blanketes of snow. The lustrous white gleaming as the sky seem to be alit with starfire. The chill of the winter night adds to the tranquil atmosphere as one walks down the path. I guess it's that type of environment that raises feelings of loneliness and the need for companionship and the fact that we are really alone out in a world of tranquility.

It sounds like it's sappy, but it's how I feel when I walk in those conditions. Meh. But sometimes, those environmental conditions are very comfortable and make me able to relax in an otherwise stressful environment (like Waterloo).
Stream of consciousness writing. It's kind of sloppy, but it does the job, which is to convey what I'm feel sometimes. I think sometimes, that the reason I play games is so that I don't have to think about all this. But then sometimes, it is just so damn enjoyable. It is interacting with people on a different medium. Or otherwise pretend to be someone I am not. OF course, D&D would probably be better for that.

Here's my biggest worry: that it is very difficult to meet new people usually. It should be relatively easy in university, but most people in university, I find, are self-centered and do not care much for other people or their viewpoints. Me, I just enjoy meeting new people, mainly because they serve either as a new base for my ideas or as sources for new ideas. I would like to call myself an observor, but the problem is that an observor doesn't get any 'action'. And it just gets harder to meet people from here. Sigh.

Oh yeah, it doesn't help that I lack the avenues of some people, like religious institutions, clubs that require ability (like drawing, or most sports), or stuff that does not interest me much (kareoke, pretentious ethnic people (you know which ones I detest)). It doesn't help that while I'm Chinese, I lack the avenues towards fellowship there (because my language skills are poor) and the fact that while I know most of the Chinese culture, popular Chinese culture eludes me. Kareoke, Chinese actors, Chinese politics, are foreign to me. Nor do I care about them. On the flip side, while I know Western culture very well, after being part of it for more than 3/4 of my life, I can never fully fit in, mainly because of this culture clash. I also lack an appreciation for some stuff that Western society so highly emphasis, such as watching sports, drinking, and religion. I do not fit in to many mold at all except outsider or stranger. With that in mind, you could probably classify me as a nerd, yet I do socialize, sometimes. As a geek, yet I'm not really obsessive about anything, I lack the concentration. I'm a HK citizen as well as a Canadian citizen, yet I'd rather think of myself as just a citizen. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if everybody's bodies suddenly disappear and just our essence of self (our soul) remained. Maybe then this disparity would not exist. Sometimes I doubt it though, as our brains need labels to function. Maybe that's why I can't function very well. I still can't categorize myself into any easy category. All I can categorize myself into is the type of person who is "me".
A word from our sponsors.

Wow. More than 3 different people have posted comments now throughout several posts. FJ, thanks for the replies. Heh. I didn't even know you read this. MC, I still feel sorry that you have to pull your post out from your own blog, but I understand it may have been embarassing for those involved. JY, how's Japan, I'm surprised you have time to read this =P. Jas, thanks for reading, although I still find it a mystery you found this blog. Tif, no clue who you are, but thanks for reading. To the other readers, post a comment. I'll try to get back to it as soon as possible. David, I know you read this. Go sign up for an account so you can comment =p.
Anyways, I should get to sleep. It is 2:30 and I got work tomorrow. Damn, riding my bike through the snow sucks.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

A look into phobias

Hmm...its been a while again. Keep meaning to post, but never actually doing it. There have been posts I've been meaning to post that I have forgotten about already. It's a shame really. Those would have been really enjoyable.

I went home for the weekend. This is actually something that I haven't done for a while. Most of the time, I stay in Waterloo way too often because my source of communications, my computer, is here hooked up to the internet.

I believe that we've become dependent on instantenous communication. With good reason though. Anything else is not instantaneous and requires a lot of effort to do. Gathering a group of my high school friends is nearly impossible nowadays without huge advance planning sessions.

Went to Townwest last Wednesday. I actually thought it was a dance before I realized after I got in, that it was a signing contest. Well, I don't mind singing contests, but I really thought it was a dance beforehand. I mean, I acutally wanted to go to this dance because hopefully, it had girls. Not that I can hit on them or anything. 1) I lack the skills. 2) I kinda refuse to let my female friend see me try at such a task. 3) I lack the confidence to do it.

Hmm. Now to relate my tale of woe and sadness to why I lack confidence towards girls. I've had this phobia for a long time. Perhaps I can even pinpoint it to the exact moment. I've always lack self-esteem in myself. In elementary school, I lack the whole fitting in thing because 1, my parents are not exactly the most educated in the world. Granted, they are smart, but educated is probably not the best. They were great parents probably because of that. They allowed me to experience almost anything and made me only answerable to myself. Besides the fact that I was very protected and closeted at home, I had the reign of the whole house. However, while I had all the freedom I want, I lacked the customs that were required of me in elementary school.

In elementary school, I was a genius. My mathematical skills killed people 3 grades above of me. Granted, I was still an unknown, and I lacked social grace, but I was a smart little boy and was therefore exempted from what society insisted of me. I was 'weird', but I was smart, which made it acceptable. My english was also very poor at the time. But from grade 1-3, I still fitted in quite well. My friends were everybody in the class and everybody respected my intellegence.

In grade 4 though, I got placed to the gifted program. I had the weird customs still, but I was no longer special in a class of 'gifted' children. Hence, I was the weird one out. I was still smart, but only smart, not genius, and thus I was kinda on the outs with most people. My atheletic abilities have never amounted to much, except short length sprinting, excellent for soccer defense, but beyond that...not much.

So throughout the rest of elementary school, I did not have many close friends. I had one best friend, Joe, who I still talk to reguarly. He quit the gifted program in grade 9 to attend the high school of his then girlfriend instead. But that's another story. Instead of close friends, or friends at all, I had peers and acquaintances. Oh yeah, in elementary school, we were still on the 'girls were yucky' stage. So, that adds a level of problems between my self-esteem and girls.

In Junior High, we were on the exploratory stage. The 'gifted' class was kinda like engineering in a way. Girls were the minority, and amounted to around 30-40% of the class. Likewise, guys were more close-knit than the girls in the class. The girls were just absorbed in the cliques that the guys had rather than forming their own. It may explain why I don't find engineering groups/cliques strange and why I'm more of a bridger than a clique regular (terms I use to describe clique groups. This will probably be explained later).

So from that point on, I'd almost be starting several spaces behind the other people. I think too much and thus that hinders my chances as well. Sometimes, I wonder what I'd be like in several years. All the thinking about love and stuff? I'd like for it to happen, but I can't see how it'd happen at the moment.

Now, I have no such trouble, but I still lack experience. Plus, according to my friends, I'm too picky. I don't know. There's always the thing about who I exactly want to meet. I always say that you never really want until you've lost it, but as a preliminary now, from extensive analysis and basically cross-referencing and simulations (mental ones. creating a person in your head is hard), I do believe know what type of girl I'd like to meet. Someone who's my complement. Complement how? Someone who's interested in stuff I'm knowledgable in and vice versa. For me, I'm knowledgable in stuff like gaming, electronics, etc etc. I'm interested in stuff like psychology and socialogy and philosophy. Maybe just meeting new people, etc. But you know what, for girls to get interested in gaming and anime,etc is nearly impossible =P. That's sorta why I think its impossible to meet this girl out there. Oh, and she has to be attractive to me. I've been told that I have a very weird taste in girls. Shrug. I don't know, I just prefer cute over hot. I don't see what the big deal on hot is.
Anyways, that's all for now. I suppose I can write more, but that's enough for today.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Slumbering Feelings

And so I have 2 company events to go to. One is a wineries tour of Niagara, and the other one is the annual company Christmas party. Both of them have the added line with either a) your significant other or close friend or b) a guest. Both of which imply a girlfriend of some kind.

Now, there are nobody that I would even consider bringing to such an event. For me, it would be taboo to bring "just a friend" to such an event. I wouldn't know what to do. My friends keep telling me just to bring someone, "just as a friend", but I doubt I can handle that. To me, these things are not what you would bring friends to. These are 'events' in my opinion. Rather than bringing anyone "just as a friend" I think it would just be better to go alone. Which is exactly what I plan to do. To go alone.

The courage to go alone and to come back alone. Maybe being comfortable with loneliness is real courage.

Nah...that's just an excuse. But the fact remains I can't bring a friend to gatherings like these. I just think too much. It is not possible.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

A lot like love.

I keep meaning to write in this blog, but I get distracted so easily, whether by games or movies or tv shows. WoW is certainly taking a chunk of my time, but I'm playing it in full force because it will be the first and last time I will play the game. This is because after this work term, I will no longer have the huge chunks of time required to devote myself to it. If you play it half-ass, it isn't worht playing.

So here I am, here to write again and express myself in a medium where stream of consciousness writing is not required, but efinately encouraged. Anyways, throughout the day, I kept on feeling tired. So, to counteract this, I've removed my computer monitor and keyboard and mouse from my deskt to next ot my bed (technically just a matress. students got to travel light) and right now I'm typing this post with my eyes closed lying on my bed. Ahh, those typing skills I got while playing so many MUDs kind of paid off.

So anyways, the title of this post. As you know from the previous post, I hardly feel anything about those two girls anymore. Here is my take on it. For me, the notion of love is difficult. Love is closely linked with trust. However, given my personality, I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt first. So how exactly do I find out if I like a person, or do I love a person? To me, who have rarely been able to confirm whether I feel one or the other, have developed a test to see if I like or love a girl.

It could be because of an infatuation that I'm attracted to a girl rather than actually caring for her for who she is. I may be building a fantasy in my mind and rather than actually looking at the real person behind the mask I have put on her, I am instead looking at her shadow or my interpretation of her rather than the real thing. So in order to test out if I really like a girl or am just infatuated with her, I check my feelings and go if I even think about her in a given day and if so, how many times. If that number is low, I bet it is just an example of infatuation.

Trying out that test, I realize that I have never truly liked a girl romantically in those criteria. Most of the time, I idolize a person and look at the image rather than the person. Heh, during a conversation (well msn anyways) she pointed this out to me. It was because I asked her to introduce me to some of her friends and somehow the converstaion degenerated into a point of why I would only want to meet hte pretty ones. She did verbally twist the words, but the intent was there. This is not true though. I really want to get to meet more people and their various viewpoints. I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt if they were pretty as well.

But you know what, these infatuations could just mean one thing: that I'm actually not in love with any person, but I'm in love with the idea of love. Heh, I guess I'm too much of a romantic at heart. This reminds me of a small story. Once, with a bunch of my engineering friends, we went out to eat and eventually settled down in a gelato store. While eating ice cream, the talk diverged from normal classroom stuff and went into a lament about the lack of girls in engineering. However, it must be noted that this discussion group had 3 girls and 7 guys in it. Eventually, we asked the girls about what each of our best traits were. For some, it was their cooking skills and for others, they said that he had no hope. When they turned to me, they said that I have "feelings". Haha. That is apparently my best trait. And they know this only because of the sappy music I listen to. But I can't help it, the slow ballads have just such interesting melodies that instill a sharp sense of nostalgia.

I'm falling asleep as I type this anyways. I wonder how good being in love with love is. Well, don't worry, I think that maybe my feelings will help me attract a gril and for once, I might actually like her in return.

Or maybe not, we shall see in the future. For nobody knows what the future holds, although we can pretty much guess.

Sweet dreams my dear Valkyrie.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

And then there was...hey it's still there!

Sometimes you realize that you were not the same person you were a year ago. A year ago you were still pretty introverted and refusing to talk to people that you did not know. You were intimidated by new people, especially good looking girls. The awkwardness showed and no matter how rational the argument was, like you'll never see them again, didn't seem to work. After being afraid for so long, it is a wonder that you haven't snapped yet from the fear.

Then you realize something: They're more scared of you then you are of them.

I've always been a bit of an enigma. Extremely "nerdish" and yet competative as hell. I swear a lot (which is a habit I should try to kick). I drink (not to excess but at least I drink, mostly dark stuff. Bitterness is good). I would try to go out to most things I've been invited to.

People have 3 modes. They're either like, hate, or are apathetic about you. Most of the time, people are apathetic about you regardless of what you do because you only meet them once and that's it. You can do all sorts of crazy shit and they really can't call you out on it.

And with that attitude, I realize that I can now begin to talk to random people with almost no problem. After all, there's a very good chance I'll never meet them again. And besides, most people won't be scared of just a simple conversation. The hard part is to steer conversation to the topics you want to talk about though.

With that attitude, I realize a lot of things after talking to people. 1) People are idiots. It's true. Regardless of how smart you are in one subject, they're absolute idiots in others. I am knowledgable in many subjects, but get me on the topic of popular music, fashion or sports, and I'm relatively clueless. Talk about computer hardware, and I'm suddenly a guru. But what this means is that you can ask a relatively large amount of insightful questions before being termed an idiot. With this attitude, it means that a person can still not look like a fool even if they don't know the subject. Actually, it's probably expected that you don't know about every subject and it provides a point of conversation.

As well, I'm no longer really intimidated by pretty specimens of the opposite gender of the same species. This is probably because I also realized from the previous point that they're just people after all. They're idiots as well. All you have to do is realize that no matter what, girls are people too and you can treat them like people. Heh. It may sound stupid to you, readers, but to me this is a revelation. I don't know why I was even scared of them in the beginning. I have all sorts of theories, but I can't concretely prove it one way or another.


Went to laserquest on Friday with Flora. It was a sort of AHS gettogether event. Seven bucks for 2 games was a very good deal. On the way there, I got introduce to a few of her friends. Damn, if I knew there was this many girls in AHS, I might have taken it regardless of the fact that I hate kin. But most of the really good looking ones were actually girlfriends of people from AHS. Damn fine. Anyways, it was fun. Didn't come first. Was in the middle of the pack for the two games. Then went out to eat with Flora. She was telling me about what people were saying about the Halloween party at Kent's and how everyone was surprised that I would be talking to the two girls (the ones that Kent invited. Read previous posts). I don't know why people would be surprised until I really look at myself a year ago. I guess this revelation happened sometime like 2 terms ago.

So in the end, what the hell's wrong then? The fact is that although I can talk to them, I still feel that I am still a bit too immature for any relationships. Perhaps I'm being a bit too cautious, but I don't feel like I'm ready. In order to have a relationship, a person has to learn to trust and I have long since been past trusting anyone that I haven't known for a long time. This then evolves into the chicken and the egg dilenma.

Today, when Flora, Mei, Jason and I went out for wings today, we were discussing my current problem. You see, my company has an annual Christmas party and it is for myself and a guest. Should I invite anyone? I don't have anyone I really trust to invite. Nor do I really want to go alone and look like a 'loser'. Mei suggested girl A, who I knew relatively well as a friend, but I can see us no more beyond that. I had actually thought of girl B, but I didn't know her as well, and although I'd like to, I have to admit I was still a bit intimidated.

I had, for the past month, come from serious introspection that I don't really want a relationship right now, just to be 'cautious'. It is hard, especially for a person that has never 'failed' at anything before to just jump in. This I guess, is from the thinking that would I really want a relationship with this girl for athe long term? The answer is that I have no one in mind that I have such a trustworthy connection with at the moment. Heh, it kind of sounds like I'd like to be friends first before becoming a couple, yet I see no friends that I can see this really happening with. With girl A, there is nothing to talk about but academics between us. With girl B, there is more to talk about, but she is more heavily guarded emotionally and the fact that I don't know how to 'impress' her doesn't help. For a guy, I like to have plans, no matter how inadequate they are. And yet, no plan of mine can work because of my overthinking and cautious nature.

Jason, on the way home, even asked me why not girl A or girl B. For the reasons listed above, I an't see myself having such a great connection with A, and with B, I'm either getting mixed signals or I don't know how to interpret them. I'd like to see her a few more times to make sure, but that's rare enough as it is. At home, Edwin even messaged me with the message "try to flirt with everyone then u can get a date". I'm not that desperate Edwin. And besides, there is meaning to asking a girl to a Christmas party. It is hard to "just" ask a friend to go when the boundaries of friendship and something more is not clearly defined. Which is the case with these 2 girls. I guess it's not the rejection that I may receive but rather the ambiguity in the relationship I have with them.

And so here we are, in the realm of friendship. And guess what? That tiny sense of insecurity and hopelessness is still there. Albeit very small, but in this cold winter and the onset of darkness, the despair magnifies and its prescence can be felt. But it is still kept back by the fact that all people are idiots. Now if I can only convince my mind of that, I'd be set.
P.S. Matt, I have no idea what screwed up. Sometimes, I just can't think of anything to write. That, or its too late at night when I do think of it.

Everyone, some new blog links are up. Blog of friends. Explore! =)