Friday, September 30, 2005

What to do?


Did you know that doom was the old english word for destiny? It refered to the fate that we all share, which is death. That's how it used to be. People were preoccupied with death.

I don't know why, but I come up with these really good topics either at work, or just before I go to sleep, but I can never remember it when I try to write. It's like a curse. Sigh. I can't stun you with my brilliance today, so instead I wish a good night to all, and to you a good night.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

My sense of time

Does it ever seem that your life just flows away when you're least expecting it? I just spent the last 4 hours awake. And its now 6 am. SEriously, my sleeping schedule is so messed up its hard to do anything interesting or concrete.

I guess this short post will be all for today. I'm not in the mood to write.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Don't Stop Believin'

Just discovered light jazz by Journey. If you haven't heard of it, I wouldn't be surprised since it is quite old. However, I find it soothing and relaxing. Don't Stop Believin' is one of the songs I'm listening to quite a few times because it has a nice melody and cute lyrics. Hopefully this will last me awhile. I normally can't listen to the same song after I get used to it. I haven't listen to many of my Japanese songs or my other English songs either. I seem to grow bored of it.

Why do I like this song so much? It suggests just the title: Don't Stop Believin'. As we grow up, it's not surprising that we lose our dreams. It's almost impossible to keep all of your dreams as you grow up. Reality slaps you in the face: hard. All you can do is grin and bear it.

Seriously, I was wondering what my life would be like up to this point. Do I like the result? I can't possibly just say "yes", because I do not. Is it anything like I imagine? No, I can not say I imagined anything like this. Like I've said so many times before, I don't think I grew at all after entering university. It's like my time has stopped for three years already. It has not progressed.

Likewise, my relationships with other people have not changed. It has not changed for better or for worse. I have the same type of friends I had in high school. I have not explored anything new that I like or enjoy to the point that I would devote myself to it. I wonder what that means. Does it mean that I need to learn to focus? Should I waste more time to explore options?

Heh. A girlfriend? Don't make me laugh. Hahaha. I still remember the fact that my parents keep asking me if I had a girlfriend yet. A girlfriend? Personally, I don't think I have the personal responsibility and maturity to maintain such a relationship...not at the university level anyways. Hahaha. Kinda making it sound like a skill or some type of experience. It is what it is, an experience. I've never had that type of communion or relationship in high school, so I must ask how will I delve into this relationship business? I don't think I can do it easily.

Let's relate the whole story of Sharalyn. I guess laughing is a defense mechanism for me. Sharalyn was a girl I befriended during monte carlo night. We began to talk and I even introduced her to some of my friends (althought they were there that night too, so I don't think I did much on that part). We hung out together quite a bit. However, as time went on, I began to delve into myself and lock myself in my dorm room. I don't know what to say to her since we hardly had anything in common. At one point, Avery, Mei, Sharalyn, I and some other people went out...for what I don't remember. At this time, she asked me if I wanted to go to dancing lessons with her. I was so scared that I just outright refused. I said I was busy or some other lame excuse. I had so little experience with people that I could not have possibly have said yes. Avery called me an idiot that day. I probably wouldn't have disagreed. After that point on, we talked less and less. She was rooming with some of my friends a couple of terms ago, and I heard she got a boyfriend, but that was the last time I've heard of her.

Personally, I don't know what I'll do. I am interested shallowly in a whole variety of topics, but nothing really deeply except possibly gaming. Even I find talking about games to be useless. It's a fun time wasting activity, but you gain nothing from it. Nevertheless, I find myself in front of the computer more often than not. I must say it is certainly easier to just stare at the front of a monitor than talk to people. After all, the screen is a buffer from real human interaction. I don't know what to do though, with a girl. I'm too scared of rejection to actually take risks. Perhaps that's what makes myself pitiful in my eyes. I mean, its damn difficult to take cues from girls. And its hard to actually make them interested. "Hitch" made it look easy. Real life is not like Hitch. There's a whole world out there that defies any simple explanation. For every question out there, there's one answer that's neat, simple, and wrong.

Oh, did I tell you the most distressing part? I have no clue about physical touching. What's appropiate, what's not? And that I have read (yes, read. Psychology is a very very interesting field. If I wasn't in Engineering, I probably would have went into psych) that the sense of touch is perhaps the most memorable sense, next to pheromones. I'm even scared of touching other people to the point I can not honest give someone a hug except my own family. Heh, I remember one time in grade 11 (or was it 12) that I told a female friend that "I needed my personal space" when I believe, she wanted to give me a hug. In retrospect, it was hilarious and remains a inside joke between us.

Hopefully, writing this will be a catalyst for me to face my fears and get on with my life. If nothing else, this certainly help me write and relieve some of my burdens.

There's a lot more to write. Let's see: my shallowness at the physical appearance of a girl( however, this may be because I've never met a girl I was intellectually attracted to), my appalling lack of fashion sense, the belief of the soulmate/dream girl, my inane attitude that forces me to argue that I'm always right (I can see this one causing problems =P), my "feelings" and sentimentality, my status as a romantic, my over the top exaggerations, my apathy towards certain aspects of life, my disorderliness, my "morbid" sense of humor, and I think that's it...maybe there's more, but I can't think of it right now. Any girl out there want a "work in progress" or a fixer-upper, just contact me. The rest of those traits are stories for another day though.

Till next time, my darling Valkyrie.

Monday, September 26, 2005


Well, I slept at 10 o'clock or so yesterday. Woke up at 7:45. That's nearly 10 hours of sleep. Yet I still feel so very very tired. Why is that?

Sunday, September 25, 2005

An observation

I was reading a story the other day, between playing WoW and chatting. It's a very good story, somewhat like 48 chapters. It was a sequel of another story, which I also enjoyed. I could not sleep without finishing it. Anyways, this story brings into mind about what it is about engineers that turns girls off: the lack of status.

Look at it this way. An engineer by himself is useless. He is a part of a giant machine that does incredible things, but by himself, he is useless. This too can be said about many other people. Scientists, marketing, you name it. However, most other people are not defined by the work they do. Engineers however, have an over-sensitive pride that puts them into that position of boasting of being a part of the giant cog in the machine. Females do not find this attractive. Instead, it turns them off because it relates the engineer into a position of being the submissive and not the dominant.

Of course, this is pure conjecture, because I can not experimentally verify this observation. However, people can send their opinions to me.

Likewise, notice how girls love to hang around rock stars? They are icons, images of status shining bright. Yet, likewise, the band geek suffers. They play the same music. If not the band geek, then the chorus boy. These unfair labels are applied quite readily. The main seperation is that the latter people are defined as labels that places them as part of a group, as a submissive, rather than a dominant like the rock star.

What does this have to do with anything? Nothing really. But after playing the whole day away and reading interesting stories, you got to have something to show for it.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Singing in the Rain

Well, nothing much happened today. It was raining when I got off work. And as usual, I don't pack my rain gear because it is too much to carry. Instead, I decided not to go straight home and go to sobey's to pick up a chicken. That way I didn't need to go home hungry. So anyways, I go and it started raining harder. As I rode around the streets heading back home, I realized something. Too many people try to fight nature and don't realize it. So what if I'm a little dirty. Nothing a little shower won't fix. And people are so deathly scared of the rain that they run into their cars and hide and sit there. Sigh.

On the other front, I wonder if I'm doing stuff right or wrong. Sometimes I wish there was an emotion detector or something to ensure that what I'm doing actually make sense. Probably not a good thing, because then I'll probably realize what weird people girls are.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

A cool play

Well, I guess its official, its a total switch to this blogspot. Mainly because I support google? Or maybe I just need a fresh start. Let see, if nothing else, I can post stuff that I'll never think of in the other one, mainly because the other one is so based on abstract ideas.

Yesterday, I was called at the last minute to go to a play with Brooke. Turns out it was a chinese play about some kind of Idol show and the backstabbing that goes on. Most of the play was enjoyable. However, a lot of the time I was kinda distracted since it was Brooke that asked me to go at the last second. This is curious as I don't talk to her much. I'm probably going to ask her to the movies since I got in to the play on her tickets.

Anyways, I actually enjoyed the play. It was well done, although the ending was kinda abrupt and contrite. I could see why they can't really extend it without making it look like crap, but it is an abrupt ending. I noticed that Brooke didn't seem to enjoy it too much, as she was there only for her friend who was playing a lead role, but she said she was tired the whole time she was there. Oh well. After that, she drove me straight home (woohoo, I know someone that has access to a car). Then I went back to playing WoW and WC3. All in all, it was fun times.

I did see Mei and Yuting there. They didn't notice me. I also saw Christie because she won a gift certificate. Jason was there too, with Clarence and his roommates. Mei told me about Jason though, I couldn't see him at all. Mei and Yuting both commented about my new parting style with my hair. I thought it looked alright, but they said they almost didn't recognize me with the new hair. Mei later told me it looked decent, which makes it all alright.

Been playing WoW incessently for the last little while (since Internet came). Level 24 already. Still pretty fun, althought it has become nothing more than a drive to level 60. I still got to subscribe too. Gotta remember that.

Anyways, this is a good start to a blog. Till next time, my Valkyrie.