Saturday, September 30, 2006

Watpub and other things.

So yesterday was friday and I went to the Watpub organized by the Watpub community in order to spur social gatherings. It was held at the Brig, which was in Byward Market. Very interesting in terms of the people that I met. It was a smattering of people. I kind of regret that I didn't work away from TO before this, until I was in my 4th year.

So anyways, there was Drew, a softeng, Richard, a CS, Steve, a Physics, Sandy, a Food/Agriculture Marketing, Telisha, a Act sci, Sally, a Chem eng, and Jenna, a math/stat. Pretty interesting crowd. You can tell Sandy is not from Waterloo. Waterloo doesn't have interesting courses like that. She's from UBC. Lots of talk was to be had and it was interesting.

Hopefully the whole problem with our FYDP will be resolved soon. Sigh. I'm sorry Lan!

Anyways, I've given up for the moment to record my dreams. They've become erratic of late and they're...semi-personal. In that the contents of them are weird to the point that I wonder about myself sometimes. And no, not the 'wet' dreams of adolescence, unless you count blood as wet. There was A LOT of killing. Scary stuff. And I still wake up in the middle of the night before I'm supposed to wake up.

Okay. I can't think of anything to write right now. So I'll dedicate this post to Lily and just post it. Till next time, sleep peacefully, my Valkyrie.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Knight Errant

I think I've always wanted to be a knight. I guess I wanted to play the hero. More than that, the loyalty and honor and prestige that came with it. Yet, I probably wouldn't want to be a prince or a king.

I've always dreamed about that girl that I could devote my life to. To serve, if you will, her for all her days, and have the love and loyalty that would be returned.

But do I know what I want? A man is supposedly given three opportunities in his life, and forty two paths to walk down. Which one is right?

A girl that's spontaneous, yet understands me. Knows that I'm stubborn in some things and probably very conservative as well (I don't know myself that well). Someone who would react to some of my crazy ideas with glee and pull me back down when I float too high up on the clouds of imagination. Finds indecisiveness over useless matters attractive. Always playing the devil's advocate.

Of course, it very well may be that the girl I want doesn't exist.

Who knows?

I think a lot on the bus ride home. The problem is once I get home, if I don't put all these words to paper, they sound cheap after 6 hours of playing WoW. Sigh.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Time flows by.

This is going to be emo in many ways. And a long one. But I guess that's the product from thinking a lot.

I've been having a lot of dreams lately. Each one of them seems to be preocupied with a theme or a topic in my life that seems unresolved. Life goals, a suitable mate, friends in the long run, achievement vs. happiness. All of these themes were in some ways covered. Some of the dreams I've posted here. Some of them I haven't, mainly because I didn't write them all them in time. Rarely has such a bevy of dreams come to me in succession. The strange thing is that all of these dreams have an intermission. I always seem to wake up around 2 and then fall back asleep. Weird.

In each of these dreams, I seem to try for happiness if there is a girl to share my life with. I try for achievement if there isn't a girl or there is only a slim chance she'd accept me. Either way, I feel satisfied with my life. Yet, why don't I feel satisfied with my life now? Is it because I'm incomplete in some way?

The problem always comes down to the question of life. Why are we here? Will anyone remember us when we're gone? Would we want to be remembered as a model, a paragon of some ideal, or would we like to be remembered as a person. Some people last onto eternity as genetic material in their offspring. Others achieve greatness by doing 'great' things. Which path should or could I choose? What is it with this incessant need for rememberance?

Would I sacrifice myself for other people's happiness? Definately, if I cared about that person at all. I'm still searching for that person that I would sacrifice anything for. In my dreams, I would dive in, headfirst, without thinking of the consequences if she was in trouble. Yet, I can't have that sort of recklessness in real life. I have always played the safe side because it's really the only way I know how. I wonder what I should do in order to make myself have a balance of both?

Would I ever find that person? I hope so, but life doesn't work that way. So probably not. I've had an easy life so far. More like a life of convenience, where anything trivial always goes my way. Anything non-trivial inevitably strikes out for me. Sad mopy face. I guess. I really don't know how to be sad. Or maybe I'm usually sad enough that its really my normal expression. I think I have learned to live in constant disappointment. But you know what, maybe it really is just that I can't appreciate the things that I have. Probably. That's probably true.

But I don't think I can give up. Until I have met that person, I don't think I could commit to anything. I have no plans so far after graduation. No plans so far about jobs. People are already looking at jobmine and checking on the status of what they plan to do after graduation. People like Darren, have strong family ties and basically revolve their lives around family. And then there are people like Terrence who revolve their lives around their friends. I don't think I have such a focus.

I'm so indecisive about stuff that doesn't really matter. But I'm stubborn to a fault when little things don't really go my way. And yet, when you're looking for that person out there, it's mostly the little things that is the most important. Would I want a bossy girl or someone indecisive so we can be indecisive together? I think I know the personality of my ideal girl, but you know what, you never know unless you've experienced it, and you never appreciate it until its gone. So right now, my opinions don't count for jack and this entire analysis is flawed in some way.

I guess I'm not the first one to have an existantialist crisis; it would be arrogant of me to think so. But I haven't met anyone that is facing the same problem I am. I guess another cause of this is my lack of identity. Do I really know who I am? Not really. One of the biggest problems is my lack of cultural directive. Am I Chinese? A bit, but most of my cultural upbringing isn't. I can hardly speak Cantonese fluently, much less read and write. Am I Canadian/American? A bit, but most of my friends are Chinese and I hardly enjoy the same things that most Canadians do. Am I a gamer? Not particularly. I spend a lot of time on games, but only on particular games that have interaction with other people. I have a whole bunch of who I'm not. But I don't really have something that I am. I'm more like a hybrid. I hate Tolkien, that rules me out as a fantasy/sci-fi fanboy, but I read mostly fantasy/sci-fi. I like psychology and how we relate to stuff, yet I'm in engineering. A whole bunch of contradiction that doesn't really resolve itself. I think I need an identity because I can do anything about the girl business. Or is the girl business an offshoot of this identity problem and that as long as I have someone by my side with me, I would know who I am? That may be it too.

So what is it I desire most in this world? Probably identity and a companion. Money and riches would help, certainly doesn't hurt in most cases. But I don't think I'd be the type of person who makes money his goal. Information maybe, but not money.

There's probably more that I can write about. Like the incoming loneliness and dark void that is the years after graduation. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself afterwards? I don't know. Hopefully I'll figure it out. But to tell you the truth, in these past few years in University, I haven't changed much and I haven't grown. My lack of emotional and mental growth is troubling. Sigh. I probably have more problems, but who wants to hear about those. I write this stuff to get it out of my head and festering anyways. For that, this is an excellent method of therapy.

Oh well. Life comes, and flows, and can not be diverted. All we can hope for is that we flow into a friendly tribe instead of a cannibalistic one. Till the next time I see you in my dreams, oh dear Valkyrie.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

I apoligize for the lack of updates.

Well..just been tired. I'll burden you with my thoughts later. And I've been doing quite a bit of thinking nowadays.

Till I see you in my dreams, my dear Valkyrie.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Bad Luck

Well. Bad news first.

I lost my Bus Pass.

Annoyingly enough, I lost it sometime today. I have no clue where. So I took the bus to Lincoln Fields to get a new one, even though it would cost me money. Problem: They closed 2 minutes before I got there. So therefore, I had to wait until tomorrow. Wasted another hour of my time.

However, I discovered I have a talent for remembering girl's faces. Pretty girls. Since I took an hour long joyride, I saw two very pretty girls. Right now, I haven't seen many pretty asian girls in Ottawa (girls I don't know), but I have seen many pretty white girls. The first one I saw was a brunette, but she dyed her hair blonde. She had a devil's halo showing. What struck me was her very smooth complexion. Smooth ivory skin with rosy cheeks. Slim. She looked very nice for a woman that was around 28-30 (estimate).

The second one was the girl that struck me the most. She boarded the bus with me at Lincoln Fields, so it was like 15 minutes of staring. Quite. I don't think I could have helped it. Reddish brown hair that shone. Must have been a metallic dye. Green-grey eyes. Triangular heart-shaped face. Slim. White jacket over a light blue tank top. Tight form fitting jeans with paint splotches. And she had this cute little non-frown expression. I just thought she was very very cute. It looked kinda like a sullen Lindsey Lohan kinda look. Although I don't think Lindsey Lohan is cute. Weird.

Oh well. Still freaking upset?...annoyed would be better... at losing that bus pass.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Thinking about....nothing in particular

People come and people go.

I have to admit something. I remember people based on names. I don't remember people based on how they look. I remember people based on their names. Names to me are your identity. I remember people grouped together by name and how you look are just a quality attached to the 'name' structure, in programming terms. I think this is why I don't remember names that often. To me, the names are the most important tag to people. I have to know a person after talking to them a few times before I remember what their names are.

However, once I can connect you to a name, I usually remember most stuff. This forgetfulness at names however, does not make me popular.

I wonder what I can do to make myself remember names? Maybe if people were more extraordinary?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

More weird dreams

Well. Yesterday I slept at a relatively normal time (10:00pm) and I had the most...strange dream in a while. The reason it was strange is that it was actually about myself. Although the settings were not clear, there were many past elements in it. It was a long dream, and I don't think I remember the first part of it. It involved me talking about growing up and how the last 5 years was pretty much the same.

Then the second part was really interesting. It was me and discussing my crushes over the years. I have termed them to be crushes, not even at the level of like, just because I don't believe that they have ever gotten me to do anything before. Most of them, I stop short of doing anything about my feelings, therefore, those feelings must not have been that powerful.

Now, someone, I don't remember who, but he/she acts as my second. My most trustworthy accomplice. Let's call it a him, for the sake of pronouns. He brings up each of my crushes, and I keep saying that each of them were a crush, no more. And yet, it kinda hurt just looking at each of them. After each of them were shown in turn, I stated to each of them were just a crush to me, nothing more. To my shock, the last girl on the list actually frowned at this. She was the only one that had a different emotion displayed afterwards. She frowned and then looked kind of shocked. She asked me if this was true. I said yes, that she was only a crush to me. She then expressed her disbelief at this and told me that I did really like her. That the only reason that I never pursued her was not because of my lack of feelings, but rather, but rather the fact that she had a boyfriend already. That implied an obstacle that I did not care to go over. And that she said was the real answer. I did not want to struggle to achieve what I want to get. And then she kinda looked sadly to me. And then it ended.
So did I really like her? Maybe. Who knows. I still think, in consciousness, that it was much too soon to say it was like. Since I hardly spent any time with her. But meh. It's kinda interesting that it was such a thought provoking dream compared to the other dreams I have. And it was weird too because if I remember the first part correctly, it was about which of the 3 roads I should walk down, Achievement, Happiness, or Respect. This would definately fall under Happiness.

Anyways. Enough writing for tonight. Till I see you again, my Valkyrie, my Muse. I so want to meet you again.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Haha. Not much going on.

So...this weekend....did nothing. I wanted to go out Saturday, but the thing was that it rained and the sky was dark so I stayed home. It wasn't that much fun going out in the dark and wet. Sunday, I was tired, so I slept the day away.

I never said what happened on my first day of work. First day of work, I was told to report in at 10 oclock. The thing was, the bus that runs from my place to there actually stops at 8:30. So, I decided to take the latest bus possible so that I don't have to wait for the interview long. The problem was, I timed it too perfectly. I was on the other side of the road when the bus zoomed passed the bus stop. Since that was the last bus, I decided to walk. It was fun. 6.8km.

Anyways. Nothing new here. Been sleeping at odd hours though. Oh well.
So I've been thinking. There are three major paths that everyone can choose: Achievement, Happiness, or Respect. Achievement, as in the achievement of goals set by yourself. Happiness, as in joy, not contentment. And Respect, as in reputation and how others see you. I wonder which one is the most worthwhile? How many people actually come to the end of their road?

Personally, I think happiness would be the 'easiest' and probably the one that would make you feel good. But Achievement would be where you'll 'grow' the most into a better person. Respect seems to be a balance of both. But which ones should I choose I wonder? And I wonder how other people would choose. Would you choose achievement, happiness or respect as your path in life? Comments people, comments please.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Kanata. New. Fun?

Well, I've been here for a while. 4 days or so. Nothing new. Nothing spectacular. Just work. Eat. Sleep. Repeat. It's kinda boring, especially since I don't know anyone here. I'd probably explore the city a bit on the weekends. But on weekdays, it is kinda boring.

The people here are nice, but I've yet to meet anyone really. My "collegues" are all older than me by 20 years. They're interesting, but I can't relate to them easily. Oh well. This weekend, I'll go out towards down town and see what's there. Maybe hit some of the musuems.

Kanata/Ottawa's traffic system is great. It is prompt, friendly and willing to bend the rules to attract more riders. It doesn't need a subway because there are unique bus-only highways that take place of trains. However, I do have one misgiving about it. It is freaking inefficient in bureaucratic matters. It took me 2 hours to get an Photo ID pass for their student monthly bus card. 2 HOURS. By the time I got back, my landlord Geordie and my roommate Michal, thought I got lost. I got home around 9. Meh. work. Nothing special. Still reading documents. Systems is kind of interesting, seeing where things fit together. What I don't like is that I have no real work yet.

I guess I may just be bored and lonely. There's no one here that I know that I would go adventuring with, with the definition of adventure being to journey forth to the unknown depths of downtown ottawa.

Anyways. I leave you all with a dream I just had in the past 3 hours. I came home, then just fell down and slept.
girl told me her life story.

"It's never been me and family. You see, my dad was a researcher for the US military. Since he was an employee, he was entitled to benefits. My mother was the wife of a researcher. She had the same benefits. Me, I was a civilian and they didn't concern themsevles with me.

The first few years were tough. My mother worked two jobs in order to support us. Then one day, our dad came home and flashed mom his bank account. He smiled a bit more, then collapsed onto the couch.

After that, we noticed him growing bigger and fatter. After his rise in the US military research group, he went on trips more often. He ate at fancy luxury hotels with fatty foods while we stayed at our large mansion in new hampshire.

But after a while, he came back. Spent more time with us. My mother was pregnant again. This time with my sister. My dad promised to slim down. My mom got visibly bigger. She was in her last term of pregnancy and Christmas was drawing near. My dad had visibly slimmed down. However, on chirstmas eve, he was holding mom while mom was holding the baby. I was watching it all, when all of a sudden, his face changed. He started blabbering about how he had a mistress somewhere and that they had a daughter. After 2 minutes of babbling, he collapsed onto the easy chair. Afterwards, he wouldn't recognize us, even though he asked for us. For him, time had stopped back then when we were still poor.

Mom had the baby, but after the baby, she didn't know what to do. We had enough money. But mom slowly couldn't accept Dad forgetting about her. Dad on the other hand was oblivious. Now you see me, trying to go to school to pretend like everything is still normal. Well it isn't."

She turns around and walks away.
Interesting? Weird. I guess weird would be the best word. Anyways. A good night to all and to all a good night.