Monday, October 31, 2005

Something I found

Do we give up principles for love? or love for principles?
What exactly is the reason why we care so much about people?
Is there point to existence?
Is it better to give up on true love or to hopelessly persue it even if it would never happen?
Why are these questions unanswerable?

All these questions are from when i was 16. 5 Years later...they're still so mysterious and unsolvable. When will we ever understand?

Perhaps never.

Another Story

Well, since I haven't been posting for a while and the fact that I've neglected to post so much means that I should really keep up and write everything I want to write now. After all, who knows when the next time the WoW server crash will be?

So to continue from joined discontinuities, the Internet is really a place that is easy to interact with, but empty without the effort of human communication. It is not a place where people talk. It is a place where people lie, bullshit, brag, annoy, ..., express themselves in a way that they would not do in real life.

This was the 12th year of my highschool year. I guess it was the hormones talking, but I desperately wanted female companionship. After what I guess, would be called a unrequited infatuation, a "pining" if you will, I knew I basically had no chance at all. No matter what anyone says, better to live than to regret sounds easy in principle, but much harder to apply in real life. If nothing else, the gifted program has taught me to be afraid of failure. Almost like a phobia. Thus, for me to do anything that is permenant and may affect my future was nigh impossible.

By coincidence, I forget how (and the logs are buried in the midst of my old computer after a reformat), I was in a IRC channel talking about manga. At that time, I was still free enough to do stuff like just idle around and talk while playing a mud. I somehow was talking about an incident at school and somehow someone was commenting and asking about several points in my story. The person made some interesting points and I asked if the person knew the person I was talking about, which was James, a fairly well known figure in our school. So after that we started talking about James, which led us to just generally converse. She was a girl named Amy and went to a different school, but knew James through her Chinese school.

After a while, we started to talk to each other more frequently. Of course, it wasn't very personal. After all, they've always told us to try to be safe and anonymous on the Internet. So all we talked about was inane stuff that didn't really matter.

James somehow found out about it and thus people knew about it. But seriously, it never went beyond just talking, yet people referred to her as my internet girlfriend. I mean wtf? It was just talking. I've never even met the girl. So one day, we decided to meet, but being the young and stupid people we are, we involve other people. So I was at Pacific Mall kareoking with my friends while she was there to shop and have tea? (don't know for sure). And somehow James was part of our group at that time and was there too. So when he came in, he said "Kevin, Amy's out there." Since I was wondering where she was (since I've never met her), I rushed out, being the stupid idiot that I am. When I saw her, she was sitting with two of her other friends. I introduced myself, but then, because I guess of my inept social skills at that time, didn't have much to say to them but hi and bye. Must have looked like a freak.

Anyways. After that, we rarely talked again and now I've lost all contact with her after entering university.

Sigh. But was there anything to regret? I mean, nothing happend. I just lost a potential friend, that's all. Maybe a potential girlfriend, but that's getting ahead of ourselves. The only thing that was connecting us was our discussions on the Internet. But the Internet is not real life and never will be. It is good as a extension of communication, but if people don't see each other in real life, there will be no future, as friends or otherwise.

At least I guess, since people care for you so little on the Internet, at least most people out there won't give a rat's ass about you and hate you.

Still a damn kid at heart

I remember when I was a kid and envisioned what my life would be like at 21 years old. I could imagine the friends I'd make and the adventures I'll have once I was well established at university. Now, these adventures were never really well defined nor were they realistic, but they were something to look forward to.

And now at 21 years old. I find those images and dreams fleeting. They were remnants of an image of 'what could have been'. A life that would be, from a perspective from the here and now, that seems to be better.

But you know what? Just because it seems better does not mean that it is. You really don't know what you want in life until you've either achieved it or have lost it. To achieve something, you might cast it away. To lose something, you might regret it for the rest of your life. True, to love and lost is better than regret, but are we sure we want to love?

The fundamental question is this. What the hell does anybody actually want? Comfort? Love? Acceptance? Challenges? Achievements? It is hard to say really what anybody wants. That's because we really have no clue what we want.

In the end, all we've got are these foolish expectations and fanciful dreams. Yet we regret so many things that I'm surprised we aren't drowning from sorrow and guilt. Sometimes however, I can see why that sense of nostalgia grips me and why I yearn for those days when I could only dream of the future.

Within you, I lose myself. Without you, I find myself, wanting to be lost again.

I guess I'm still that ignorant little boy at heart.

Sorry...its been two weeks

Well, time flows really quickly hasn't it. For now, I haven't done anything besides working, eating and then gaming WoW. It's pretty much taken all of my time trying to finish it. Finally, I can start playing with Jack and Alan since I've reached level 59. Maybe I'll slow down my playing soon. But I did say that I'll play this term and this term only and no more. So it is said, so it will stay.

As for new developments, my life is pretty damn boring. Let's see....there was those two dinners on fridays with Ammon, Alan and I going to a chinese restaurant and there's that thai/viet place. There's also the looking over resumes over next term hires. That was pretty cool. There was also MOT and the Halloween party that was pretty interesting. Well, not really, but it was good to be part of people again. Rather than just sitting at home. I guess.

Well more on those events later. It's 2am and I should be going to sleep. Well 2am if daylight savings time didn't occur.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Joined discontinuities

Life is basically just a collection of events...real OR imagined. It is a bunch of memories that you sometimes desperately wish was still the present. That way, you may enjoy it again and again, rather than knowing either the regret that you did not do something the way you wanted it to be done, or the regret that the moment had to end.

The Internet is a place teeming with individual personalities trying to express themselves in a very easy to approach, but ultimately thankless, medium. It is a medium in which people themselves are silenced by the overwhelming opinions of other people. Yet in the midst of this chaos, people still believe that they can find their life partners using this medium. With dating services and matchmaking sites, people filter out applicants based on what they describe as their personality and interests.

Yet, most people don't even know what they want in life. Most of those that claim to know are lying. They just don't know it yet. Because people don't really truly know what they want until they have it. And most likely, won't appreciate what they have until its taken away.

Anyways, in the midst of this Internet, people still look for other people that they seem to be compatible with. Yet, a relationship based on the Internet is not as concrete as one that is based on "Real Life". Still, in this crowded, lonely world, people take what comfort they can in just knowing another person.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


Screwed for Housing. Just me alone because everyone else seems to already have a group already.

Let's hope my luck holds and I'll apply by myself. May luck shine upon forgotton skies.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Thoughtful Thanksgiving

Well, this weekend, I went back home with the goal of rest. I did achieve that pretty well. Slept 10 hours each day. Since I had no access to a computer, a lot of my time was spent just sitting, resting, sleeping and just thinking. It was rare for me to think so much. It is almost certain that my lack of ambition and forward momentum has been stopped by the computer. It is easier escape than many things. It is hard to stop. But I know it must be stopped sometime.

Anyways, the reunion/turkey party at Kent's was really fun. Just talking with old friends was a great thing. However, just because there were two other new people that Kent invited was interesting. The fact that it was not just us kept it less boring than some other times. It's because our group has become stagnant without constant addition of people and lack of interaction normally.

It did help that the two additions were girls. One was Kent's friend from York who was also his dance partner, Caroline. The other was the Caroline's friend, Mikah (I think that's how you spell it). Mainly I talked to Caroline out of the new people.

Okay, in order to continue, I must explain how I view the world for our age group. Our age group has a certain pecking order or personality based on the people within the groups. Some groups are very 'lawful' or elitist, while other tend to go towards either the conflict culture (popular culture + fighting) or retreatist culture (alternative + drugs). Most of the normal world view the elitist group as the normal population while looking at the conflict culture as jocks and the retreatist culture as losers/druggies/addicts. I am not a supporter of any of these groups because for a person to be locked down to a group, it means the person becomes stagnant. However, I have always been shuffled into the elitist group mainly because I'm a) scared and b) lazy/tired of change. I can only handle so much. Instead, I'd rather act as a bridge between groups, although that's difficult and requires a lot of resources.

That's why I admire people that can become bridges. Kent, for example, is a bridge from the elitist group to the conflict culture. Socially, he is doing much better than most of us. Likewise with Richmond. I however, have become stagnant. I do believe I've become better at normal conversation though, mainly because I realize that most people don't listen anyways. So talking for the purpose of sound is perfectly acceptable.

Anyways, I was talking to Caroline, a bridge between all three. It seems that her group of friends encompasses every group that I have defined above. Mikah, however, I did not find much to talk about mainly because a) I really didn't make an effort b)she did not represent a bridge, but just a part of the retreatist culture. At least Caroline made an effort to keep the conversation going.

Thinking about all of this, hopefully I have grown in some small way.

Friday, October 07, 2005

The days of emptiness begin again.

It's kind of interesting, to see what drives some to really contemplate what life really is. For some, it is a life changing decision. For others it is just a small thing that seems like nothing else in the routine. But at least in one day in life, there comes a time when a person really asks himself the value of living in this world.

Ever heard of Densha Otoko? It's a relatively new Japanese drama series based off a modern fairy tale. A untypical modern fairy tale that's based off of a true love story about an internet forum, an akihabara otaku and a professional woman. It's interesting, and hilarious at times with the juxtaposition of some of its shots. At times, its heart-warmingly pathetic, but this one so far looks like a winner.

Go, try to get it now! What have you got to lose?

On the topic of fairy tales and stories. The reasons we like them to be exaggerated so much is that we want them to be out of the ordinary, something outside our experience of our lives, but still firmly rooted in reality so that we can relate to it.

As a result, this series will probably be enjoyed more by the people that understand either how the internet forums work and/or know the basic premise of they story.

I should write more, but too busy watching it.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The thought of privacy

Sometimes I feel that maybe this blog isn't such a great idea. I mean, there are I guess, personal feelings and ideas involved. I guess the wrong people reading it at the wrong time would probably screw me over.

But then again, it is my personal feelings and my personal ideas. Posting them is a sort of release that I don't get otherwise. I'd probably explode from pent-up frustrations. I won't EVER expose my friend's secrets. But mine, mine are mine to throw away.

In essence, I feel that this blog is pretty good in terms of releasing my feelings in a non-destructive way. As many of those who know me, I am a very very frustrated person at times.

And besides, times are changing. Privacy is becoming a thing of the past. Maybe we should prepare for it.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

For sense of security

A friend of mine just recently commented on this blog. That I sound way too preoccupied with worrying about others than myself. True, I value the opinions of others immensely, but only if I feel like it. He is right in a sense. I look at myself and analyze too closely when it comes to issues regarding the opposite sex. This may be a sign to stop.

I'll comment on State and Church some other time.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

The lack of continuity

What can I say? I become lazy after awhile.

Well, that's not exactly true. It's just that I keep forgettting what I mean to say. Ideas float in and out. It's very annoying when you have something very profound, and it just slips through your fingers.

A lot of things slips through my fingers. Such as what love and life is.

You know what, I recently had a really interesting discussion with a friend I haven't talked to for a while. It was interesting to have a sounding board for my analysis of myself. What she made me realize was that throughout my whole life, there had only really been 2 girls that I have ever been attracted to. Partly because of of physical appearances, but also of having a certain quality that can not be really explained. Nevertheless, this quality almost seems to make them appear to be a part of the elusive dream girl, that perfect person that exist, so far, only in my dreams.

Then I realize that could be because I've created a person in my mind to reflect that elusive quality. While they may be a part of that elusive dream girl, they are not her. They should not be images built by my own head and projected upon them. That's stupid. Building people up in the head only invite heartbreak and disappointment. They are not your dream gril. They may emcompass quality and qualities, but they are not her.

Which brings to the next question. Should I wait? Is there such a person? Does this person exist for me? And how do I know its her? Or does a person only exist for a moment in time, and that person does not really exist at all? Maybe there are multiples of such people, but not exactly perfect. In that case, how can you tell?

Maybe love is just the act of compromising and finding someone that would put up with your bs long enough so that you are not angry anymore. Maybe someone that treats you as a person rather than just another human on this lonely planet.

Oh well. I know I screwed up the chance with number 1. And I don't think I'd pressure number 2. What would be, would be. But is this sort of fatalistic attitude that has kept me single for so long? Sometimes I wonder if this makes me desperate...or worse, look desperate.

Am I desperate? I'd like to say no, but it is hard to tell. Will I go with just anyone? Perhaps not. There are certain aspects that must be adhered to. Standards if you will, or maybe guidelines? I don't know, I'm new to this sort of thing.

I have no clue where I'm going with all of this. However, if at any point I'd have to compromise with myself to get the girl, I'd have to say no. Unless of course, it is a really stupid reason and the relationship has gone on long enough.

Maybe I'd die an lonely old man. Sigh