Sunday, January 28, 2007


I feel weak.

You know how girls like reformed guys? The whole converted thing? It's probably because it shows a strong sense of character. Something beyond the natural weak indulgent impulses we take everyday.

Sigh. I feel so weak because of that.

Right now, I have a midterm in less than a weak. And I understand almost nothing. I almost feel stupider somehow. It's like I'm not absorbing anything at all, and I don't know why. Usually, I get concepts and calculations right away, but now it seems like it takes me extraordinary amounts of effort before I could even do simple calculus.

This is bad.

And my sleeping schedule has not improved. I don't know what to do about that. I've been sleeping in the day when I should be working. I think this is all because of my eating habits and lack thereof.

At least I'm getting exercise. That's good. Indoor soccer is indeed very fun.

Anyways, that's enough 'unloading'. Time to study some more.
Here's a long dream post that I just had a few days ago.

Sometimes I wonder why I remember so many details.

We were fighting space aliens. They had advanced fire power and on the scouting mission, it was me and some other guy who was pretty strong. I was just cunning and intelligent. We snuck by most things and killed some, but at the base of the evil space aliens, we realized we couldn't beat them all. Instead, we had to call for backup.

Meanwhile, we had low range transporter technology. So a group of marines came in and helped us through it. The science guys realized that there were two more 'wormholes' that our transporters could exploit. We sort of realized their 'magic' was affecting our technology.

The problem was that the space aliens were stealing human children for their own neferious purposes.

So somehow, I volunteered for a mission and realized that I had the best survival chance out of the people in the group. So, I ported in to one of the weird wormholes that didn't exist before. And landed in a sick delusionary pseudo world instead because of the weird effect from their 'magic'.

I somehow met the most wonderful girl in the world in a dream, Sera.

Anyways, I was jumped into a pseudo world after fighting a battle against 'evil' space aliens. This pseudo world was a reflection of the real world, but bore no sign of sense. For one thing, magic worked a bit here, which puzzled us in the real world. During my quest to escape the pseudo world, I had to go around and talk to people, like an rpg. At one point, there was this old guy selling charms to girls. Sera and her other girl friend was the only shoppers. The old guy was up to no good (at least what I thought), when the old guy seemed to grin evilly and reached towards the girls. I just jumped in and punched him. He went down, but his cart and his possessions were special. I took his staff, which was a pneunifier of sorts, or something that disrupts magic. Then a witch came, and seemed to mean to do us harm. With a kick, I kicked the cart towards her and she seemed to be pinned by the mass.

Sera and I seemed to both fall in love at first sight.

With the pneunifier, I could disrupt the towers energies. Before, it would zap me and prevent me entry because I'm human. At the top of the tower was something that could turn me something other than human, a rock type creature that could disrupt the plans of the evil space aliens. On the top, I found a cape that render a person invisible, explosive charges and the tablet that turns people to other. I touched it and remarkably felt the same. However, I was told I was no longer completely human. I dropped down and Sera and I share a moment. However, I had to go back to my world. The king, the servant and I all head towards the lighthouse tower at the beach so that we could make the portal. The portal comes randomly, and is made by the robot on the beach, SCALPEL. He makes them randomly, luring people in and sometimes getting them out into the right world. However, he is completely neutral. Meanwhile, I felt that I could not take Sera with me because she is from this world and an NPC. She didn't belong over there. So we all mounted the same horse and galloped over to the portal. We each had one item of power that we were going to carry over. However, we left the cape of invisibility behind because we only had 3 people. The king then said who cares. If its love, you should make the most of it and bring Sera along.

So we galloped back into town. We passed one of those death machines. THe death machines were the King's old evil war machines, which had breadslicer like teeth in the front and killed basically anything. They were just riding as police now, with the return of 'good' to the land. We asked her girl friend where Sera was, and she said that Sera was around here somewhere. I realized, if it was Sera we were talking about, she would go see us off. I turned back to the lighthouse and somehow saw her (even when it is a long long range) climb the tower with a camera on a tripod and her cape. I realized also that we could not make it to the portal with three of us on the same horse. I went so far as to the bridge connecting the mainland and the lighthouse. I got off and told them to go without me. I realized that the Prince that Sera was in love with and I were the same person, but split. A bit of me was scared, but I also wanted Sera and I (the other's) happiness. They went. Sera and the Prince share a moment and head through the portal together, with the King behind them. I rush towards the portal but it was too late, it was closed forever.

The old hag in charge of the lighthouse didn't think it would be possible to open the same one again. I looked down and saw SCALPEL build portals and several people would come through. Then he would build another gate, and the four people would be sent through again.

I tried to reason with scalpel and ask him to open it, but he wouldn't listen. He scooped up the evil stone which turns things evil and looked towards me, seemingly threatening me. However, with that turn, the evil stone fell out and he went back to work, building the portal out of sand. He then scoops up the good stone into the main part of his body, where it couldn't be dislodged and he started to build one for me. However, as I wandered how they were doing, this seemed to pass a few months and I saw a email from them. Somehow email transcedes worlds apart. I ignore the email and saw that some bastards have put a plastic sheet around the sand, which puzzled the hell out of Scalpel. He couldn't pull enough sand to form a complete gate. I jumped down from the lighthouse and landed on the edge of the sand, which was fortunate, else I would have broken my feet. I then rushed to pull the plastic sheet off the sand.
Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if the world of dreams is better than the world of reality. It doesn't matter though. I doubt you could live in the world of dreams.

Till I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie, Sera.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Late night post.

Symposium was a blast. It was over too quickly. I did a video for it that can be

I don't know what's going to happen to me in a few years. No one can really predict the future. We can predict trends, but individual actions are impossible. The very act of observation can alter the course of the individual.

Everyone believes or at least hopes that "Everything is going to be alright" for them. But that's almost never the case. All we can do is hope for the best. Alright after all, is not perfection, merely just 'okay' or decent.

No one knows what the future holds and I'll be a fool to try to predict it.

I guess all we can do is enjoy the present?

Guess I skipped doing work again today.

I bought 90 bucks worth of Here is Greenwood manga. But I guess that's a great little present for myself.

I should sleep now. Till I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Fast Update

Or maybe not so fast. Depends on how much I want to write.

Symposium is in a day. I don't think we're really ready. But I guess we'll wing it. I don't know what's going to happen. But let's hope its good.

In the mean time, my stuff to do list is:

1. Finish reading assignments.
2. Finish marking when things are due.
3. Finish correcting my resume.
4. Finish applying for jobs.
5. Ask for reference letters for grad school.

CUTC was good. There was a lot of stuff there and we stayed at the Hilton. That, and some of the free stuff wasn't bad.

I've been sleeping more lately. Hopefully that would be good for my health. That should balance out the fact I still have no groceries to cook with and instead been eating out all the time. This is really taking a chunk out of my wallet.

On the other hand, I think I'm the embodiment of chaos. I think chaos in general is more interesting than straight order. A balance is necessary, but I think I lean more towards chaos than order. I think I like to keep options open so that anything I do is basically more random than normal. Like spontaneously planning to go out but still have at least several plans of action. I have a problem with overplanning anyways. Too much work for too little return.

Hopefully my luck doesn't desert me now. And no, I have no interest in girlfriends right now unless they're practically thrown onto my lap. This is not the time for it. Four months of school and I have no idea where I am going to end up. I think this is probably the worst time possible for it.

And you know what? Just because I stated that it is the worst time possible, I think it just might happen. After all, most important things in my life happen at the worst possible time. Well, not worst possible, but pretty bad timings. It's only the unimportant things that are extra convenient, like changing street lights, etc.

Oh yes, another thing. I need to work more on endurance. Indoor soccer and dodgeball! Wee!

Till I see you in my dreams again, my Valkyrie.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Drama vs Satire

If I write, I am unsure about which style I should write in. I enjoy both, but drama only if it does not apply to me. I might also be overdramatic, which is undesirable in a novel. As for satire, I sometimes find some things funny that other people don't. It may even be possible they may be offended by my humor.

In real life, I'm sarcastic in odd ways. Pessimistic about most things. I try to make my life as stress free as possible. I try to avoid stress by being apathetic about it. I also then complain about a lack of passion. I think my life is a compensation roller coaster where I seek comfort in the fact that not many things really affect me. This apparently is a damper on the whole girl thing.

I have thought for a while that you can classify people into different types for certain areas of their personality. While there are introverts and extroverts, there are those types which further redefine each of their expected responses to certain stimuli. I have always thought of myself as an observer. I don't know if that's good in life or not, but it probably isn't very good for the whole girl issue. So I have tried to change that. Especially in Ottawa. But now that I'm back at my regular haunt, it is harder to change. Change takes time, which I don't really have at the moment.

The whole observer thing might also be why I tend to avoid getting involved in things. Right now, I don't think anything is seriously important. To me, the only thing I get annoyed with is boredom. That, and failure. Two biggest things that affect me the most. I cover failure up by not trying and boredom with games that stop me from thinking for a while (alcohol's other effects makes it undesirable as a reality control substance).

I also have realized that I do present different facades to people. Some people that have not talked to me much might mistaken my early discussions with them as optimism. And its true, especially when I talk to girls, I take on a more positive outlook. I guess this is something that reading, acquiring experience data from other people, have instilled me to do. After a while though, I just can't maintain that facade and people that understand me know that I have a darker outlook on life. Or more like an outlook that haven't really been formed yet.

I don't even know why I'm so pessimistic. I guess it was because I was raised with a lot of expectations when I was young and I failed most of them. I was a big bundle of potential that just failed to live up to it. Or maybe it got diverted to another direction. It used to be my direction was mathematics. But I found it boring after junior high school. Now I guess, I'm just trying to find out what my direction is. Do I have a lot of time doing it? I guess, if I want to waste the head start that I have taken for engineering.

Most people don't realize that Engineering is quite different from other professions in that specialization happens quite early, or otherwise it would be a decade before you do anything useful in the field you selected. No other profession requires the experience that you need before you accomplish something, besides perhaps medicine. Except medicine is a textbook subject. It involves memorization and very little testing (like anyone wants to risk their own body for medical experiements). On the other hand, with electronics, it takes years of experience before you can make any significant headway into designing anything.

Soft skills or not, it doesn't matter if you don't have the required technical experience. Yes, it is important about who you know, but this is a profession that requires what you know as well. If I head into a wrong specialization, there is no way I can be hired for something else. Not easily anyways. I'm teching up to a preception/pattern rec guy with undertones in telecommunications, but what the hell does that mean for the job I should take? I mean, this is a really weird combination of courses that really can't do much. Sure I'll like to make the first real AI in the world, or a fascimile of it, but would I want to spend my life doing it? Maybe, maybe not?

I guess it comes down to the fact that I want to know what is going to happen in my life now. I can't wait a couple of decades and then realize that I really should have chosen something else. It is true that I picked EE instead of Act Sci because of a coin flip, but Alan is right in that I would probably have been really bored of Act Sci. There just isn't enough 'things' to learn on a high level scale. I'm a systems guy and I like to understand how things work. But I just can't get interested in the guts of a system. Too back we don't have instant feedback with 'life-changing' decisions. We have huge delayed feedback. And I keep my options open because I'm afraid of failure. And as anyone that has taken game-theory before know, sometimes, having more options makes you do the most stupid moves in a game. And that's what life is, a simple game. After all, what is a game, but a model/representation of a world involving rules of a sort.

The whole girl thing? Not really doing anything active in 'pursuing' anyone. Not now anyways. I mean, I'm in my last term and I still have no clue where I plan to 'end' up. All I'm doing now is pretty much trying to improve myself for the right 'opportunity'. Ha, if any girl reads this, it would probably turn them off fast. Oh well, this is who I am. Or at least the side of me that I dump and forget. I think I have seen too many TV shows to expect some kind of Hollywood beginning that would never happen. I also believe in Destiny (with a capital D) or a weird, or the red string of fate. Anything that can seem to put order in this chaotic world. God (the ones that 'most' people believe in) for me, is a being that can not be ascertained. Faith sounds good on paper, but it is not a proof. And they can not be logically concluded. I believe myself to be a very intuitive person (or more so now than before), but seriously, God is a concept or an ideal, that I can not believe in. Not to the extent that fundamentalists believe in.

So yeah, back to the whole girl thing. Distance is one of the primary problems of most relationships. And there is no one in my vicinity that I would consider. I'm just too ... 'weird'. I guess that would be it. The fact that I'm uncompromising and the fact I'm not such a 'great catch' is also factored into the equation. I think the whole thing is that I'm still in a way afraid to approach girls to a point. To a point I write, because I have no problem talking to girls I have no conscious interest in. And I say conscious interest because I have no idea what my unconscious is thinking. Conscious interest implies I have to think about it. Anyways, so this term is pretty much improving myself (hopefully), although I don't know which direction is correct or what type of girl I like. Lisha seemed to have psychoanalyzed me quite well (at least I agree with her) about the type of girl I like now, but that may change with discovery of that fact.

And another thing, I thing I talk about me too much. At least in this blog. If you want to know the reason why, it is because I find the human condition and the whole dating thing to be the most complex problem yet. Haha, not that I would refer to my (nonexisting yet) girlfriend to be a problem, but the fact is I find that the whole human interaction thing to be the most complicated thing yet. It really does not obviously follow the laws of cause and effect and people live in the real world, which is a complex system in and of itself. I think anticipation is what's keeping me going on this topic right now. That alone is kind of sad in a way.

Haha, ladies, if you ever have me as a boyfriend, I'd try to be the best boyfriend I could be, since I don't like to fail at a role for something. But then again, you may find me boring because of that. I don't get girls when they're in the whole 'relationship' mode. I think otherwise, people are essentially the same in a certain way. It just depends on how you look at it.

I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen in 9 years, or even whether I'll exist in 9 years. I think I jump topics too much. Stream of consciousness writing usually suck for content.
My cousin (who is nine years older than me) just had her second child. Congratulations Eleena.

"A friend" tells me to stop thinking about it and just live life. He then proposes a collonary if everybody took the easy way out and thought like I did, it would be easier to hang ourselves because then we don't have to worry about choices.

Well, that's not my style. If anything, if I ever decide to kill myself, I'll be bringing some people down with me.

Seriously, I'm not depressed. I may be whiny, and according to Richmond, not really trying to improve myself, but I don't think I'm the type to commit suicide. I don't think I care enough. Suicide takes heartbreak and depression. I'm merely pessimistic, cynical, and sarcastic, as well as stubborn and unintelligible sometimes. Oh, another trait to turn off girls, whoopee. Seriously, if I ever did a dating resume like Davan, I'd probably have 1-2 lines and that's it. Oh well, we can't all be winners. And I probably have to stop looking at past glories. Seriously if I wasn't number 1, I was a loser. Sigh. There goes my math skills down the drain.

Anyways, if you want a good laugh and have 40 minutes to waste, check out the College Saga on youtube. It does require a bit of video game knowledge (ie, how the old Final Fantasy games looked and remembered how 'Zelda' sounded like). Mark Leung is pretty imaginative.

Well, I guess I should probably go to sleep. It's late, and they don't wait for me. COme back dreams, I need you to balance out my psychosis and delusions of grandeur.

Dang it, this post was supposed to be short. Stream of consciousness writing really does feel purging to the mind and emotions though. I guess an hour was enough to pay for clarity of thought.

Till I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.

Monday, January 01, 2007

My New Year resolutions

I've been relentlessly told that I think too much. Either because of the reason that it makes cowards of us all, or because it leads to pessimism and cynicism. I guess that's my resolution for this year:

1. Stop thinking too much about things that would lead to inaction.
2. Stop being so pessimistic.
3. Stop wasting inappropiate amounts of time towards games.
4. Get working and finish my novel.
5. Travel a bit more.
6. Get contacts
7. Practice/Learn Japanese.
8. Go to the gym every week.

That's it.

On another hand, I've been having weird dreams every day. Regardless of how much I sleep or wake, it seems that ideas have penetrated. I think this might be a signal for me to finish that idea. Otherwise it'll haunt me.

On another hand, I still have to finish my FYDP report. As well as finishing my other crap. CUTC is on the 9th. Woo! Hopefully there would be cool stuff to do there.

I'm watching old stuff again, as well some new stuff. ZegaPain is interesting. It's an anime that is primarily an action genre anime, but has in it some romance, but also the important part, a discussion of existance and humanity. In this anime, humans have been wiped out and exist only as data on quantum computers. They are holograms projected onto the real world. The whole first part is about whether they are still human, even if they exist only as holographic data. And there is a part about memory. I wish they dwelled more on the whole memory thing, but they only had an episode on it.

Densha Otoko still looks too cheesy in my opinion. The manga production on it is better though. It makes it more believable and less cheesy because the lead character is less stereotypical otaku and more self-progressive and liberal. I guess I would like to believe that I was like that, the progressive one. Actually, I would think it fits me pretty well. But I overthink and analyse. Hopefully the resolution will help me break this habit of inaction.

Thinking and analyzation is the cornerstone of human life. Without it, we are nothing more than animals. Simple feedback machines that eat, shit and sleep. I don't think we can ever force ourselve to stop thinking, but we should be able to know when to act and when to think. I think I'll have to learn that ability. Just like the fact I have to learn fashion and hair styles and other stuff that comes 'naturally' to other people. Too long I have been focused on academia and engineering. I think I'm getting sick of it.

Doesn't mean that it hasn' been worthwhile though. I think it will provide an excellent backing to whatever I'll be in life, just like how music has shaped my abilities and insights.