Saturday, December 30, 2006

Weird dreams really don't make sense. I wish there are books that can decipher them.

Even in dreams I don't seem to get the girl.

There's a multitude of plot lines, and I don't remember most of it. Some are quite disjointed. I do remember though that a pretty white girl that was in a beauty contest had a huge crush on Wen. Except his name was Wen Ng, even if I know in real life that his last name is Zhang. Weird. Her personality wasn't the best, but she was quite friendly and optimistic in ways that count. I remember I found out because I somehow saw a small 'invitation' card that had Wen's name in a small heart shape thingie. I was kind of wondering why she hung out with us so often.

Also, went with this girl to some other type of concert, and I never made a move because she was my friend and I didn't want to jeopardize that. THere was a huge thing on negotiations and how that you really should drop everything if someone was willing to go into negotiations with you. And we were in a long line to a nightclub. Very exclusive. Somehow their technical team messed up something and the line stopped moving. So they hired P. Diddy (although he looked like Usher) to calm the line down. P. Diddy was apparently recording a CD called "One Word Down" and dropped it because negotiations was offered to him. Also there were ideas of a contract between this corporation and my friend.

However, he was only handing out Roots gear on the ground floor of the line. We were on the roof part of the line already, which was a 3 hour difference. THere was a bit of avarice that I actually wanted to get some of the crap down there (I couldn't care less about P.Diddy), but I stayed in line.

The second part of the dream was much easier to remember. A bunch of us started to frequent a Chinese Bar/Restaruant type establishment. However, it wasn't doing so well. We were friends with the owner, a forty-fifty year old woman. She was complaining about how people would drink a bit here, but never eat here. There were two sides to her place. It was a bit cafeteria like and the first part of the establishment were pretty high chairs in a bar type like setting. Most people apparently drank a bit there and that's it. They never go towards the back for the restaurant part, or the food portion of the place. Apparently, I point out that club goings are weird and that they'd drink abit here but they would always go to the 'Dragon' to eat instead, which was a few doors down. They weren't that great a restaurant, but they were 'nice' and the lighting was bright. Pink tablecloths, traditional chinese cuisine. IT was weird that club goers would even go there to get food there. Anyways, I suggested changing the bar and the restaurant part around, having the entrance open up to the restaurant might inspire people to eat there. Opening to a bar may get some people to drink, but it usually gains a reputation as a place to drink rather than a place to eat unless you're a franchise. Then a charity? a band? called Western Hemisphere (Actually, it was a cardboard sign that said

Western -----> 400000
World -----> 4000000

I never got that. I thought it was a charity band. Anyways, they were in charge of serving the cafeteria style food before (which was another change I mentioned to the owner). They wanted to have a live band. WE had them audition and they were pretty horrible. There was only one instrument on at a time and the five of them couldn't really carry a tune. They were crappy. We told them that a band has to emphasize and draw people in. It had to be a notch above mainstream pop to get people to come. Mainstream pop could be bad, but people can ignore it, but a house band can't be ignored because it is simply much louder.

Then I woke up.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Growing up.

I must admit that to myself, it seems I have become desperate. I'm doing more things for the 'social' part of my life more than ever. I've committed to working out. Trying to learn about cooking. I'm going shopping for clothes (only rarely, but its a step towards another direction). Wanting to go out rather than staying at home playing video games. Video games are losing its appeal and the appeal of stories seem to dominate. My interest in video games have seem to wane.

However, so have many other interest seem to wane. Does this mean I'm 'finally' growing up? Perhaps. I think it could be that I've finally realized that in order for the world I want to live in to occur, I'll have to make it myself. Right now, I don't know what I want yet, so I have to keep my options open.

According to game theory (that book is pretty good to read. It's interesting and it helps analysis of psychological behavior), when you lack options, you actually have more power. So maybe I shouldn't open my options too much. But I like to be prepared for anything.

I don't know what my life holds in the next four months. I doubt I can cram as many things as I want into it, but I think I'll try my best. Too bad I learn too many of my life lessons too late and I grow up damn late compare to other people. Heh, I'm finally hitting university age as I leave university. Sometimes my sense of preservations annoys me. After all, being always on the safe side isn't the best way through life. Without risk, there are no great rewards.

You know what though, I think that one of the ways to map out life interests can be shown as a technology map like in the Civilization 4. There are technological trees in different directions and sometimes you can take 'techs' even without being of that tree before hand. Sometimes you just skip a tech because it poses no interest or value to you. I think I took the 'technological enhancement' tree (nerd tree) as opposed to the 'atheletic enhancement' (jock) or 'socialogical enhancement' tree (socialite). There are some common stuff like cooking that I'm going to take. But there are some, like clubbing, that I've put research points into and then skipped because it took too long to research (or enjoy). I think right now I will have enough support techs so that the (search or) research into the 'relationship' tech will not take as long. Boy, is this paragraph geeky! Oh well, it's been well established that I don't think like other people much and I like thinking in different frameworks. Apparently, according to game theory, sometimes it is much more advantageous to be insane than to be sane. To take risks that are not 'worth' it. I think that being imaginative is definately a good thing.

Now if I can apply the same work ethic as writing this 'blog' to my writing of my report...

I also had a weird dream before Edwin woke me up this morning. I forgot to write it down. It was weird in that the plot was semiweird, but there was a new concept in it. Uplifting. It was like ... converting yourself into ghostform and going into some other person. It was a joining of minds, but not really. It was much more... intimate than that. Anyways, it was definately interesting, a bit weird and I wish I could understand it better. Although understanding something in dreams is not usually 'worthwhile' it sometimes opens the mind to new possibilities and new frontiers.

Oh well. A good night to all and to all a good night. Till I see you in my dreams, my dear Valkyrie.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Game Theory

Day 1.

Learn Game Theory.

Day 2.

Apply Game Theory to socializing. Actually, the area of guy-girl interaction and how this affects it theoretically.

Day 3.

Write About it.
So far, after 5 minutes, this book seems more interesting. Not because I have nothing else to read, but it is actually interesting.

I'll write more later.

Longing for the good ol' days...

Fuck fuck fuck.

No matter what, when I see some old stuff like Love Hina, I am somehow reminded of the 'good ol' days'. When we had no responsibilities and the future seems wide open. We were able to become anything. Old anime, books, music just trigger something in me that makes me think that the past was better. Was it really better, or did it seem better because of all the 'possibilities' that was still open to us? Was it because that life seemed better because we had little to no consequences to our actions? Was it because that the past was truly better because we didn't know better?

Was the past better? The uncertainty of teenage life? I guess there is a lot of things that are even more uncertain now, that we tasted a bit of life. This attitude is depressing. I'm supposed to try to cure myself of it. Don't look at the past. My memory is spotty as it is. Granted, the only things remaining are usually the good stuff, but look towards the future! The future! Even when it is uncertain, we have to look at the future!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Resolutions being prepared.

There are things that sound stupid by the light of day, and there are things that sound stupid no matter what. This would be one of those things that is the latter. Mainly because I'm tired, yet I want to write. I have not been doing a lot of writing lately, and I should really finish up my report, but I have not gotten around to it. This is a travesty.

My resolutions have been set. My plans have been finalized. There are four months left until my undergraduate life is over, and supposedly my real life begins. However, why in the world am I imagining that I would be one of those single people that would stay single until they're 40s or maybe even later? My imagination sometimes sucks. Or maybe I'm naturally pessimistic? I don't know why, but I get into these funk moods from time to time. Maybe most of the time, but still. I guess it's because I have had so few successes in this arena of life that makes me apprehensive about imagining about anything good that I just can't imagine it. My mind and its excellent plan analyzation and simulating powers is defeated by the lack of data. Data from fiction and books can't really fill in the gaps this time unfortunately.

Hence, the resolutions. I must improve myself before, as Edwin so eloquently put it, I "put myself on the market". I must improve myself physically and mentally. My outlook should be better suited. I guess I just never liked myself physcially. Not surprisingly, since that's the aspect of my life that I put the least amount of effort towards. Therefore, I must like myself before I go further. This will therefore be my goal for the next month.

Sometimes I wonder if doing something once would make you bored of it. I think sometimes if you never do something, it festers and make you want to do it because you don't know how good (or bad) it would be. I guess sometimes life is like that. I guess I think I'll have to try a lot of things in order to tell myself what I really like. Unfrotunately, you can't do that with girls. Girls are people too and you can't treat them as solitary experiences. Too bad. Am I being too analytical about this? I think so. Maybe that's the problem.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Balance - Creation and Destruction

My thought is that there is balance in this world. And that we must maintain a balance. Extremes go against the law of thermodynamics. Like anything else, I do believe that balance must exist in the world, because extremes take too much time and effort to maintain.

People agree that there is a balance between evil and good, chaos and order. But how many people talk about the balance between creation and destruction. I'm the only person I know that classify things in creation and destruction. I view destruction as something I do to things other people have created. This applies for things such as watching TV shows and reading books. Even eating... I sincerely believe that we have to live a life of balance. For everything I read, eat, watch, appreciate, feel, sense, experience, I believe that I have to create in response to it. I need to balance it out. Writing it as a record, or writing in general is the simplest way for me to 'create'. Thus, this is why I write so much. It's not because I particularly like writing, but because I feel that my life would not be balanced otherwise. Of course I want to be heard, but that's just a collonary from wanting to be special. I want to be read so that I would have an impact on other people's lives. I guess I'm partly OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I believe that the only way we can live in a fulfilling life is to balance things. Love, hate, creation, destruction, experience, dreams, reality, synthesized artifice, beauty, ugliness, joy, pain, hope, despair, light and darkness. All of these must be balanced for our lives to work out. I think so far, I have yet to discover pure hatred, and thus, I cannot discover true love. Likewise to despair and pain. Oh well, I guess it's only a matter of time.

But the idea of good and evil inherent in humans? I subscribe to the philosophy of random distribution. Most people are neither good or evil, mostly neutral. Others may be slightly more 'good' and others slightly more 'evil'. I do believe that there are people that are unredeemable, those that are totally evil. Likewise, there are people that are totally good. It's just a matter of distibution. With the population on earth, it would be surprising if there aren't people that are totally 'good' and those that are totally 'evil'. It's just that both the people in the extremes tend to die young. =p.

Me? I'd have to say I'm leaning more towards the darkness. Darkness doesn't automatically mean evil. I recognize it, and I control it. There are times when I must admit that my anger gets the best of me. But this almost never occurs. I would like to study the darkness of the human heart. I love the theme of the dawn - of redemption. There is no comparison of light without the darkness. It is because there is free will that the good stands out. I guess people won't understand my fascination with the darkness. I just hope they realize that the easiest way to see something is to contrast it with its opposite. I doubt I'd ever want to put any diabolical plan forward. I would like to think I'm too empathic to do anything like that. Oh well. Enough talking about this for now. I suppose I'll revisit this topic later. Good night.

Monday, December 25, 2006


In a way, people long to feel special. People long to be loved. To not be lonely. We want to love because it is only then can we be loved back. People want to be loved because then we are 'unique'. We are no longer alone. People don't want to be reminded that they are insignificant. That they are replacable, disposable. That people are ultimately no better than animals. While some of us can be classified as 'extraordinary', would history remember them? We just want to preserve ourselves in at least a few people so that we can 'live' on in their memories.

Does this loneliness make us strong or weak? People have been talking incessantly about the strength of love, but doesn't that just mean we're weak when we're alone? I think the strongest people are the ones that can survive loneliness? Pretty much anyone can blossom in the view of others, but how many can blossom alone? Does it mean those that have love are not necessarily weak, but those that want love are weak indeed? It means that those that like love are strong enough but those that need it are desperate. In that case, I think I've been going about it the wrong way. While I think I can indeed survive loneliness, I do crave companionship. Does that mean I'm weak and desperate? I'll admit I'm weaker when I don't have my peers to give me drive. I will acknowledge that. But until then, I think I'll be quite comfortable alone. However, I doubt I'll accomplish as much.

So why am I typing this at Christmas? Because I'm not going out this entire holiday season it seems. Most people already have plans and I think most of us have grown apart. None of us need each other anymore. I think that's a good thing, even if it does make me feel a bit lonely and sad.

And now for another boring ranting section about what I think I want. It keeps changing, I guess, because of lack of resolution and the fact I haven't met her. You know what, because of my competetive spirit, I'd probably want a girl that would discuss things with me and have small little fights that won't escalate into something drastic. But I'm so shallow that appearance would have to be a factor, as well as being a bit adventurous and have the soul of an explorer. Intelligence would obviously need to be a factor, as I am definately impatient with people =/. But I can't start looking now. Right now, I can't seem to offer anything onto the table. As my friend said, I'll need to improve myself before I can even start looking. The current me has always been built for academic pursuits and thinking. I've invested no time into physical or social realm. This is probably the time for me to 'grow' into that direction.

About impatience, I just always seem to assume that a person has a similar knowledge base as I do. That may be why sometimes I get annoyed at ignorant people and why there is a gap between myself and my parents. They grew up in a time that's different than me, as well as having a knowledge base different from me. That is why although I love my parents, I don't really have anything in common with them. Unfortunate, but that's okay.

What does the future hold? I keep thinking that I wasted my life. Yet, if movies and TV shows are any judge, the world (in my opinion of course) would be a worse place if I was never born. But you know what, I'd have to think that in the course of total human history, I'm not very significant.

My wish I guess, is to have significant impact on history. Or a larger number of people. I could say that working as an engineer, I'd have a small impact on a large number of people. I'd like to have a more significant impact on a similar number of people. That is what my goal of being an author is about. But life will have to wait, because time will tie us differently, in fates and weaves that are unseen by our eyes, but felt with our entire bodies and souls.

Another Christmas have come and passed, but strangely I feel the same. I don't know what I feel. The passing of time is constant. Time ages all things, friendship, relationships, people. People just change and grow apart. Idle time just makes people grow apart rather than closer. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Maybe if it was a known short length of time. But otherwise, people just grow apart with absence. Rituals shared, events shared, and especially shared memories are what makes people grow closer. Because we are inherently made of memories, dreams and thought. That is why I love Robert Jordan's quote in the Wheel of TIme series, "Thought is the arrow of time, and memory never fades." It is later in life do we realize how true this is. Too bad we almost always learn our lessons too late in life. That is why I long for knowledge. Knowledge that will help us and shape us. I think that is why I always want to learn. If I had infinite time and the means to do so, I would be an eternal student. Too bad I don't have the means, unfrotunately. So I hope for the next best thing, to be important to many more people.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Dreams. weird!

Weird stuff. Another weird dream.

This time, I had several perspectives. At one point in time, I felt like I was my daughter. She said what different parents I have. This comes after the fact that her mother and I found a home pregnancy kit in her room, and instead of spazzing on her about it, her mother took it and used it and found out she was pregnant again. I was very happy at the news.

Then there was the time that everyone in the neighbourhood school (Kingslake in this case) was still pretty full and the kids were outside making little scultures out of straws to create 3D dioramas of stuff like animals. Now, I say Kingslake, because it felt like it, but the outside structure of the school was a bit different.

So I went in, and heard the principal come out and start singing O'Canada. After stumbling a bit after not singing it for so long, I found out that James, a buddy of mine that I haven't seen since third grade, was helping out as a judge. I built a small diorama on the spot, but he realized that I wasn't really building a diorama, but a frame for the animals on my front lawn, which was across the street from my school. I was there, so I decided to ask something about the records they keep at the school. I wanted to find out the last name of the girl I knew in third grade. The one that transferred in during the start of the year, but left by the end. Her name was Angela.

So anyways, while I was still preceiving from the point of my daughter, I (in my own body), was behind her mother and was just holding her. My daughter made a slight retching sound.

And that's when I woke up.
Weird. Last day. Anyways, will post Montreal trip #3 later.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Bringing attention to this again.

If people haven't filled this out for me yet:

Johari Window

It is under the name riellanart (for me). Just something to do.

Montreal Post Day 2.

So after the first day, we decided to go to many different places. Actually, we wanted to know what Dennis' group was doing. We found out where his group was staying and went to their apartment building. It was not that far, but it still took 5-10 minutes of driving to get there. It may seem far, but we were driving along inner streets, so that limited our speed quite a bit. When we got there, I felt that their hotel was nice, a lot of things were 'inclusive' but ours was still better in terms of location in my opinion. They were upstairs in the gym, to which I wonder why theywere in Montreal at all. They told us that they were going to stay and not have lunch with us. They were still 'full' from the complementary continental breakfast and didn't want to shell out too much for lunch. Jeff still promise to come, if just to see people.

So we went to lunch, and the other group came. We talked for a bit and ate our lunches. I ordered a double hamburger. It was good, but could I really justify the 14 dollars it cost? Not really. So while it was a decent place, it was too expensive to be considered good. Afterwards, we decided to go to the Bio-dome. It was around 2:30 at this point.

When we got to the Bio-dome, it was 3:30. It closes at 5 so we had very little time. The ticket seller assured us that it wouldn't take that long for us to see everything. So we
decided to go around and check each of the sections out as fast as possible. We saw the tropical rainforest. The Canadian wetlands and surroundings. We then saw the aquariums which were awesome. And then there were the penguins. During this time, we were supposed to rendevous with the other group, but they were quite slow. Anyways, here's some pictures:

A small flamingo like bird.

Val playing on slide, like a kid!

Look. Penguins DO lay eggs.

"Sir, please let us have some breeding females." "No."

After this, we were supposed to have a dinner reservation for around 7:00. SInce it was only 5:00, we decided to do something else. As we really didn't know what to do, we decided to go Bowling. So we took out the handy GPS of Val's and decided to look for a bowling alley. The problem was that there were only two locations. The one we knew existed for sure was on the other side of the island. So we drove to the one stated by the GPS. When we passed it, we had no luck.

We found another one that the GPS did not list immediately and set out for that. After keeping our eyes peeled around us for any sign of a bowling alley, I remembered how Newtonbrook's Bowlerama was located underground and I found it just as we passed it. We went downstairs only to find out it was a 5 pin place, which we did not want to go to. It was after finding this alley that we realized that Salon de Quilles means bowling alley in French. So we sought to find another bowling alley, only this time, we use the term Salle de Quilles as the term to search. We found another one in the GPS, and set out for it. We went up and down PieIX quite a few times.

After driving for a while, we decided to ask for directions. We had to stop at a Shell and ask for directions. As we were in the no english territory of the city, we had to ask Sameer to ask for directions. When he went in, we drove a bit off and parked somewhere else so that it seemed like we ditched him. We did see Sameer run out and look in bewilderment, but only for a moment, because he spotted usright away, even though it was dark and we were sandwiched in between two cars.

The station keeper did know of another place, but it was a bit ways off, and he didn't know if it was still there. We drove to the intersection he said it was on, but we couldn't find it. We parked, and we went inside a McDonalds to ask, but they had no clue what we were talking about. Even with Sameer's French, we had to beg for a retreat.
So we decided to go to one last one that the GPS system stated. After driving around there, I was the one that spotted it again. This time, in the basement of an apartment building. So Eric takes the professional bowling ball and gloves that he has in the back of the trunk and we head down. Lo and behold, we find a ten pin bowling alley. However, it is still with the small balls. We decided to either bowl there or try to ask the owner whether he knows where we can find one with normal sized balls. This was because it was already 7 and we planned to eat dinner by 8. We opted for the latter option. We asked in broken french, and he gave us directions. We left and searched again.

One thing we noticed was that there was always a SQA when we were looking for a salle de quilles. The SQA was the local alcohol committee, similar to our LCBO. Anyways, after another 20 minutes of driving, we finally saw our 'Holy Grail'. It was a Laurentian bowling alley. Eric took out his professional bowling ball and gloves and we each had two games. I averaged above 100, so it was pretty good.

Eric teaching Val how to grip the ball properly.

Afterwards, we decided to head back to the Hotel first and get something to eat. We were already pretty late and the others had opted to eat without us. We decided to let Sameer lead us to something to eat. However, he did not eat with us because he needed to go have Shisha with the other group since they didn't arrive till today. We got to a Thai place called Thai express. However, they did not take visa, so Val did not want to eat there. We went next door to an Italian place called Boucarries or something like that. Nothing on the menu really appealed to us. Sameer saw some of his old roommates, which were all pretty good looking girls. Dang, I wish I lived in a townhouse with these girls. Anyways, so we decided to bail on this Italian place. As we walked down the street, I vetoed all the souvlaki places because cheese usually doesn't agree with me very well. So we walked back for the CIBC. I needed some cash since I was completely out. Val did the same thing. Sameer parted ways with us at this point, to meet up with the other people. We decided to go down his path to see if we could find any better restaurants. After walking for another 20 minutes and using the GPS, we had no luck. It was 10 oclock, and most restaurants were closed. We passed by some weird Italian place and a club like thing. We passed by a bar or two with nice menus and then we saw the Shisha group with Sameer leading the way. They looked surprised to see us. We explained our situation and we just decided to go in to that bar. We sat down. It was pretty deserted and there was hardly anyone there. When he asked what we want, we decided to order food. It was only then that he told us that the kitchen has closed since 9. The only thing we could get were drinks. We decided against that and set out in the cruel cold world once more.

We met the other group again, and they were laughing at us at this point. Oh well. WE decided to walk back to the Thai place. Took us another 20 minutes, but we made it. I ordered the pad thai while the rest order General Thai's chicken (a variant of General Tso's) and fried rice. It wasn't bad, but the cooks were distinctively Cantonese. I heard them speak it. Their system of cooking was interesting. Everything was organized in small bowls and it was an assembly line process. One mans the cashier. The other picks out the ingrediants while 2 cooks were always cooking out dishes. It was fresh, quick and delicious.

So after eating, we decided to buy alcohol from the supermarket. It was before 11 so it was okay. I got Unibrowe's collection beer. 12 assorted beers while Eric got Labatt Blue. We drank some from mine, which was weird. There was one that had 9% alcohol called "The End of the World". That was interesting. By this time, it was already around 1. The others were at Foufon Electronique and we decided to go as well. We flagged a cab and it took us around 15 minutes to get there. After getting there, we find out that most of them went home, but Sameer and two others were still there. So we went back to Foufon and sat for a while. Val and I decided to head back as it was late and so we hoofed it home. Took us another 30 minutes, and then we went to bed for an ending to a good day in Montreal.

Day 3 will be posted later.

I guess its time for me to sleep. Good night and sweet dreams, my Valkyrie.

Getting drunk is a bad idea.

So yeah. I think I learned my lesson.

Yesterday was supposedly the last watpub event of the year. It was at Minglewoods in downtown Ottawa. Bojan and I arrived there around 10-20 minutes later than 9:30, the designated time, but we could not see anyone else there. So we went inside. Went to the second floor. Got us a pitcher of Rickard's Red. Starting drinking. We talked about various things, including picking up girls at bars. Said it was easy, depending on location. I wouldn't know. Never tried it.

Bojan decided to go downstairs so I was sipping a mug by myself. When he got back up, he told me how the bouncer told him that it was 2 dollars to come up. It's like, what? We've been here thirty minutes ago and there wasn't stuff like that. He came up by saying that he needed to grab his jacket. He came up and sat down. Said that they wouldn't actually come up to get him to pay 2 measly dollars.

So we started drinking again, and our first pitcher was gone, so we grabbed another one. This goth girl comes up to Bojan and starts discussing music with him. They were discussing goth rock and goth music. I don't know much about it so I just listened. After a while, the bouncer DID come up and ask Bojan for the 2 dollars. Seeing no way out of it, he gave the two dollars. The girl left after we poured her a drink from our pitcher. Kristen came around, and she didn't find many people either. Talked a very small amount, and she left. Bojan decided to get tequila shots. Which we did, to my regret. We left after that because it seemed pointless to sit around. He wanted to go to a nudie bar, so he asked directions from the bouncer. I disagreed. We waled along Rideau for awhile, going past Parliment. He had the bright idea of pissing on Parliament, which we avoided, because there were two or more police/secuirty cars on us at all times. We did take some pictures though.

Then we walked along the street down to Albert I believe, between which we did piss on the street outside a building that specifically said "Don't park your car here". Since it didn't say anything about pissing, we did that. And then we got on the 97 bus. It goes to Bayshore. After a few stops, he got off, to transfer to another bus. I was feeling quite bad at this time. The alcohol took a while to trigger, but when it did, I couldn't handle it. The swerving motion of the bus did not help either. So when we got to Bayshore, I was very out of it. I puked. Three times. Good thing there was no one else on the bus. I ran out. (Ran is the operative word. It was more like a scrambling, swerving mess of a walk). Sat down to wait for the 96. Sat down and kept falling 'asleep' and puking into the garbage can. Then noticed that the 96 did come, but it was going in the wrong direction. Only after another 10 minutes did I realize I was in the wrong bay for the 96. So I went to the other side of the station. Waited another 10 minutes before the 96 came. Went on, and it was hazy from here on. Got out at the right stop and walked home. I was really smashed at this point, can't walk in a straight line and my mouth felt awful. Got home in like 20 minutes of walking and basically collapse on the bed.

Woke up this morning at 9, meaning 6 hours of sleep. Took a drink of water and was thinking about eating before going to bed. Didn't get to eating. I was too nauseated. Drank more water and Slept for another 3 hours. Felt a bit better, but still nauseated. Went to the mall to get a sub from Subway. Ate it. Got some soy milk and chocolate from Zellers and felt remarkably better. Then played 10 hours of DOTA straight. And here I am now. So I feel a lot better now.

But I'm not getting 'drunk' again. It just feels too painful.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Four days left.

Yup, only 4 days left.

Tonight was a beautiful night. Warm, and not raining. It was damp because it rained in the afternoon, but overall, it was wonderful weather for december.

Anyways, I've been having weird dreams again. I don't know how to deal with it.

I don't know what to write right now. I had a whole length of discussion, but after playing some DOTA, it went out of my mind. I'm sorry.

I'm also quite tired. So many later. Good night.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Another cop-out post.

Well, instead of describe day 2 of the Montreal trip, I'll recount the dream that I'll just have. Quite an imagination, yes?

Was in a multiform sandbox like computer game where you can do almost whatever you wantand the computer will adjust acordingly. THe whole thing was that...well I don't remember the major enmy we're trying to defeat. But there was one part where it takes place in a school. And I was skipping how normally it would progress. Normally I'll be caught and we'll begiven the chance to win our freedom by fighting a ultra smart samurai cat, upon defeating him, would join our party. ( he was forced to be an assassin. However, I didn't want that because if I go down this route, I'll have to kill innocent citizens as well as the gypsies in this world, the river people. So I skipped the encounter. I told my companion to go elsewhere and I snuck into the leader's bedroom.

The samarai cat was a shadowy blob that was in the leader's closet. For some reason, I activated a trap so that they were about to find me. However, since I didn't do the stuff normally, the leader still regards me as on his side, instead of planning a rebellion against him. Therefore he asked me what I was doing in the closet and to come out. He turned around and I backstab him. I said hat there was no personal animity between us but he was worth 2600, no, 3200 dead to the rebellion. He said that's fine. Next time, it'd be you. And dies, while giving me vital information to do what I need to do so that the rebellion would not need to kill river people. Apparently, I need to go to the Finalists, a race of people that could wield magic based on a system of balance and shapeshifters. I had to somehow kill people we've met and broke bread with. This was a betrayal. I needed to force one of them to change into their animal form while we killed him (or her) and then sacrifice him so that peace may be there.

So we went to the finalist village and somehow tricked the main son of the leader to do so. He went into his animal form. But he went berserk (who wouldn't be). Apparently, what we were planning to do was to use the horns of the elder brother to kill his sister. This would trigger a magical chain reaction that would cause the world to reset. However, we couldn't do it as he became berserk at this point. We had to kill him instead. So at one point, I was grabbing him by the neck. I try to punch his sore spot (a little area above the forehead), but he barely noticed. Instead, I got pinned under his hind hoof because it stretched out and stomped me. Now he said "that wasn't nice", but then, another guy skewers him. He shimmers and basically he dies. We mourn his passing, because he was a friend that we had to betray. But then, we see him in his human form again 20 seconds later appearing from the same place. He said that next time he'd know to steer clear of me because I was a soldier in green (a prince acutally). So we met with him and his sister one last time and then we went back on the road to travel. Now I break the fourth wall here and wonder if I go back and did it the 'right' way, with the whole coliseum style fighting, what would I get. Apparently, the samarai cat as a choosable character as well as having another special character to use. I thoguht this was more appropiate and just continue playing.

At this point, there was discussion about how magical these Finalist people were. Most of them usually have the power of their namesake, and introduce their element into the world. For example, a finalist with a name like Firerune, usually have the ability to inject fire into the world. However, there are a lot of people with additive properties, being able to add energy into the world for some reason. The reverse is much less common. The family of the elder son and sister was like that. The elder son had an ability, but I forgot what it was. He had commented on it. I remember he wielded a lightning blade, something that shocks people, so I assume his element was electricity. His sister was name Firescape, but her ability was one to absorb heat, ie, she can control ice.

This was the point at which I woke up.
Anyways, I should do something...but if I waste the day again...sigh.

Hope you guys enjoy this. Although, it doesn't really say anything, but it does wastes 5-10 minutes!

Friday, December 08, 2006

Montreal Post delayed.

So anyways. Was going to post Day 2, but I got sidetracked into playing pool and having dinner, so that's gotta wait for another day.

One thing I think that will make it big would be a site made for nerd people to hook up with one another. Or for girls with a fetish for smart guys. After all, most of us don't usually go out much, thus we have lots of money right? =p.

Anyways. One thing I think we all have to be concerned about is confusing knowledge with information. Most people right now I think are exposed to a lot of information, but is rarely being applied. I think most people now are very rich in information, but lacking in knowledge.

I kind of think that certain people can be very smart, but don't really expand their horizons. I know I'm one, but I'd only expand my horizons if people tag along. I'm essentially a coward =/.

Anyways, I think people just need to spend more time together. I think I'll join Nexopia and take a look around. If nothing else, there's a lot of information that might be interesting reads.

Oh, and I'm totally enjoying the 80's music collection. Thanks Francis. Kickass songs. Oh, and Sameer's recommendation of The Fray is also awesome.

Just 2 more weeks left. In that time, I'll have to finish the boxes and the report. Fun times...Sigh. I think I might go to some musuems on the weekend. Otherwise I'll stick at home again. This is probably not good.

Anyways. I should go to sleep. Good night people.

The comic on the bottom is an example of the comedy I enjoy. That and Something Positive has awesome biting remarks. Kind of makes me want to be more witty, but too back I'm usually not fast enough to come back with lots of good comebacks =/.

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Day 1 of the Montreal trip.

So anyways. It was friday afternoon. Everything was going well. I was going to take off an hour early so that we could beat the rush to Montreal. At 3:45, 15 minutes before my expected departure, the power went out in our block of town. The Kanata North Technology Park was running on backup power because there was a blackout. Outside, the winds were howling and snow was being pelted. Soon, I waited downstairs, but to no avail. I later got a call from Sameer that Eric got settled down with more work an hour before we were expected to go. So we waited until 5:00 before we left.

Took us another hour to get to Val's place to pick him up. So by then, Val and I were pretty hungry. Eric and Sameer seemed fine. It took us two and a half hour to get to Montreal. The ride there was pretty uneventful. After we got out of Ottawa, there wasn't a lot of traffic because the storm had not gotten there yet. We had reservations at St. Huberts for dinner for 12 people. However, because of the storm, we doubted the rest of them would get there for the 8:30 reservation. So we called ahead and changed it to 4.

When we got to Montreal, Val used his GPS to find the St. Huberts. That would be fine, except St. Huberts is a franchise. And while we have a general idea of where it was, it was not exact. And thus, Sameer led us on an unexpected tour of the industrial part of Montreal. Let's just say we really didn't want to be there at night. As well, the civil engineers that planned that part of the town needs to retake their exams. There was a small overpass, one lane only, that went beneath a bridge before veering off to the left. Now, there was a traffic light there. We followed it, but that traffic light basically dictated the flow of traffic. Quite dangerous as it is a blind spot and one lane only. And dark, not many street lights. Took us half an hour, but it was good fun trying to navigate to the St. Huberts.

Here's the customary first picture of a trip after arrival!

After we got there, St. Huberts really wasn't that bad. We got a soup, meal and desert for around 20 bucks. I got the Cream of chicken soup, ribs and a slice of New York cheesecake. It was good, but I don't know whether that was because of the hunger of their cooking. During the dinner, we saw a lot of red shirts because of the Liberal convention in town. There was a lot of old people, but a couple of pretty attractive young girls there. Surprisingly enough, there wasn't a lot of young guys. Anyways, we finished the meal quite quickly and then we headed towards the hotel.

The hotel had valet parking, and by the time we checked in, it was around 10:30. Since we had nothing exciting to do and everyone else had yet to check in, we decided to go for Shisha. Mind you, at this time, I had no clue what Shisha was.

So anyways, we proceded down to St. Denis and it was quite beautiful. During this time, we saw a really sketchy hotel (that was a couple of town houses strung together with a main office around the block in an alley). I saw the girl described in the previous posts here, walking with another girl and two guys. When we got to St. Denis, it was kind of mystical already. Montreal has that feeling when its 10:30 and there was a slight chill in the air but amazingly clear skies.

When we got there, Sameer was leading the Shisha. We sat in the back divan and basically chilled for a bit. Eric ordered a pitcher and Val seemed comfortable with Shisha. Never the one to reject something without trying it, I tried it while Eric just drank. Anyways, here are some pictures of us.

Eric, Val and Sameer posing

Eric, Me and Val sharing a pitcher.

Sameer trying to prime the Shisha. Look at that smoke fly. Yeah, he was getting high.

Me with Beer and Shisha tube.

So after Shisha, we headed back to sleep, as it was 3am and we wanted to do stuff the next day instead of just laying in bed. Here's a snapshot of St. Denis as we left it.

Anyways, that recounts Day 1 of the Montreal trip. I'm going to sleep. Good night and sweet dreams. Till I see you again, my beautiful Valkyrie.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

random post.

The Montreal trip will be discussed later.

I have a few things to state. And hopefully I will remember them.

I resolve to forget worrying about the past. The past is the past. It may define the present, but never the future. In a way (very big way), the past has tied me down. Even with my memory gaps, I can never seem to let go of the regret of past indecision and "mistakes". And that's a bad thing.

I resolve to try to travel more, much more. Random stuff is always fun. I resolve to take more pictures. To try and work towards a goal. Regardless of how 'bad' it is.

I resolve to make the best of the situation. I think I'm doing well now, but I think it could be better. More optimism and flattery I guess. I guess I'll just have to keep developing that facade. But then again, I've always seemed to have a dual personality. Or at least a paradoxical one.
Ah...might as well write it here.

Very cliche, and pulpish, but I remember a small story fragment on the Montreal trip. It was basically about love between a knight and a goddess. A tragic love tale where the knight was fated a lonely life. The goddess could let the world die to be with him for a few short moments or help the world through eternity. I'd like them to have a happy ending, but it developed in my mind as a tragedy. Too bad. I do remember that there was a way for them to be together, but in the end, it was a bittersweet ending.

When I was thinking about this, it was in the road and that's where I saw the girl mentioned in the previous post. I felt like I saw divinity there. Cliche, n'est pas? But sometimes, all it takes is a pretty face for inspiration to strike.

I just wished it strikes more often.

Awesome Montreal Trip

This weekend was awesome. Great trip overall. Saw alot of stuff that was cool. Lots of new stuff. Tried Montreal smoked meat. Pictures. Will post more when I feel like it.

One thing is for sure, lots of beautiful girls in Montreal. There was one girl that looked absolutely amazing that I passed in the street. I'd guess her height to be around 5' 3". Long dark blond curly hair that extended down below her shoulder, underneath a neat toque with multicolored bands and a little puffball on top. She had the face of an angel. Clear blue eyes. Dressed in avery light tan wool trenchcoat. I just wanted to grab her and hug her for being so adorable.

Anyways, I think I lost my heart to Montreal. Absolutely amazing city. Personally, much better than Toronto in terms of stuff to do and stuff.

Till I meet you again in my dreams, good night, my Valkyrie.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Rest in peace

Never had such a bright hope been extinguished in the world. May you find peace at your Journey's end.

We'll meet again some day, comrade.

Dedicated to the memory of Janet Yip.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Yes, maybe yesterday's post was a bit misleading. Anyways.


What does that mean for you? For me, it means that I can do what I want, when I want. It means that I don't have any pressing responsibilities, and it means that I can plan out what would maximize stuff I like and minimize stuff I don't.

It's true that a relationship would strain this. I would have to sacrifice my time, and stuff that I would want to do, when I want to do them. I'll have to sometimes put someone elses need above my own. That may seem selfish and unreasonable, but all humans are selfish. It just doesn't seem like it because the benefits of the exchange may not be easily seen. (Nookie, for example. Heh. I finally used the word nookie. I was wondering how I could even use it.)

What would a relationship bring me? A companion. And yes, I read somewhere that companion means someone to share bread with. It helps me with one condition, loneliness, but also removes my 100% freedom. And besides, in a relationship, I could totally see me as one of those clingy types...something I'd desperately want to avoid. I'm a self-reliant, and probably self-serving, individual. A girl would probably change that. Am I ready to give up my freedom? Yes. But there's a high threshold before I'm willing to change that.

And besides, I graduate in 5 months and I don't even know where I'll end up yet. And people keep assuring me that life would work itself out. I guess it will.
And another thing....relationships are just a exchange of necessary things to survive. Whether it be love, trust, material items or other things, each relationship is there because when left alone in this world, most people can't find the strength to survive. Failing that, a relationship is something for people to find a meaning to life to survive on.

Marriage is just the penultimate commitment. However, it is in all aspects, a simply economic exchange. People got married for lots of material reasons. It has been compared to 'legalized prostitution'. And no, I'm not talking about just the marriages where one person is the sole 'breadwinner'. Even when both are out working, the economics of an union comes heavily into account. Up till this century, marriage for economics was common. It was also common for the man to have a mistress somewhere else. Guys married girls for their dowries and/or their titles and connections. Girls married for social circles and acceptability. Nowadays, while this is not immediately evident, we still do that.

Now, that's not to say that every marriage has a mistress or an affair. It is to say however, that we marry for economics. While economics may not seem much at first, it is the little stresses of everyday life that puts the tempering on the sword that is marriage. Like after the ideality of love and living seperately away from your parents (as an example), is living together, paying bills, little annoyances that living together brings really strengthens or fractures a relationship. We marry because of the things that the other partner brings into our life, whether it be money or convenience or even to simply look good. People get together for all types of reasons. This may very well be why we love a certain person, of what they can give you.

And if they don't provide everything, we look elsewhere. With the advent of technology, we have become more and more impatient than ever. Nowadays, we seek instant gratification, rather than waiting for anything. The abundance of information and communication and media have removed our naivete and replaced it with cynicism. Everyday, we hear 'stories' of something that could happen to us. Ever read the "Ask Ellie" section of the Toronto Star? All the depressing stories looking for advice on relationships in this cruel lonely world. Information have become the bane of relationships because face it, the more we know a person, the more we desire them less. Well, not always true, but mostly. Information has caused people to become more cynical and more selfish.

The information age can also be called the "Me" age. With more technology, people become displaced. We don't exactly know our place in the world. Not content with just a single explanation when there are tons on the net, we become weak in our faith in anything. Cults use a variety of techniques to ensnare the lost. While most people think that technology has caused people to lose faith in religion, I think it is the opposite. It has ripped the ignorance veil asunder and caused more people to want a certain place in the world. Something that declares themselves to be special, and failing that, at least loved or know one's place in the world. People either use religion to do this, or a relationship (or relationships).

Relationships are not about giving. It is about taking. Granted, the taking is not for free. It is a trade. Not always an equal trade, but it is there. We go into a relationship expecting a partnership of sorts (most of them anyways). If we don't like what we want, we end it. It is how the other person fits into your life, not how you fit into theirs. Love? Most people don't enter a relationship because of caring. It is most likely because of a primal attraction on some level. And where does that attraction stem from? Sex? Power? We enter a relationship expecting some things. If we don't get it, we're out of there. That is what the economics of marriage amounts to.

It is also why divorce rates are so high. When you have gotten what you want from the other partner, you just dump them. The reasons why it didn't happen before was a) the social stigma attached to divorcees and b) people did not just care only about themselves and c) people were more naive and less cynical.
Well, what a rant about relationships. I don't really believe what I wrote up there. Well, I do and don't. The practical side of me agree, while the romantic idealist doesn't. I guess that's what I get for being born on the cusp of Taurus and Capricorn. However, if (when or if. It's hard to say) I do get a relationship, it would need to be meaningful and serious. I really can't see myself in a light relationship. However, I'd probably be blinded at that point and the practical side of me would probably melt. The above would probably be forgotten. Until 2 years later, when the chemcials of passions have faded. Ahh, ever the pessimist right now. But that's only on the surface. I'm quite the optimist right now. That I'd graduate and meet someone. That's quite optimistic you know.

As for the whole grad school thing. That would be the next post.

Good night and sweet dreams. Till I see you again in my dreams, my Lady.

Monday, November 27, 2006


I demand epics! Long stories that will fill me with distraction. Something that would allow me to not think. Something that will fill my heart with the warmth of its characters and its interactions. Damn it, where have they all gone to. I need more stories. MORE STORIES!

Sigh. Time travel is out. I've read all of S.M. Stirlings' works as well as Eric Flint's Ashandi Shards series. Fantasy is pretty much out. I haven't seen one that I want to read lately. And most of the major series I've already read or not interested. Ditto for sci-fi. Romantic novels are okay, but most of them are so predictable that its boring and can't distract me much. Historical novels are okay, but only if they're written well, instead of written like a history. I don't know. I just need something to not think about.

I want to immersed in a reality of something else for a while. That would be fun. Or I can create my own I suppose. But it's hard. I guess I start tomorrow. After watching the trailers for FF12 and the documentary about all the FFs, I realize why they seem so appealing. It's because they are immersive. They have the epic storytelling that I like. But too much time. I'd rather read about it.

I just need something. I need ideas. I need to see it. I can write it down, I just need to see it and remember. Hopefully, dreams can fuel that need.

Till I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.
Next time: Freedom, relationships and the economies of marriage! Why people's divorce rates are higher as a result of technology! And why I'm screwed with or without grad school. Stay tuned!

Sunday, November 26, 2006


There's so much I want to write about right now. But I don't know where to begin. Thoughts are racing through my head because each of them are a distinct little kernal of thought of varying topics and direction.

I think my biggest problem is uncertainty right now.

The crushing weight of it is almost like despair. I have no clue what I want to do with my life and no idea of where it's heading. For me, change is good, but when I think that my decisions in the next year or so will dictate where my life will mostly likely head towards, I freeze up.

There's just so many decisions that I can't make right now because I don't have the data.

Not knowing what one's path in life is is always a disappointment and a bit scary. I mean, do I go to grad school, or a job. If grad school, which program? if job, which field? and location? and meeting new people? how about girls? looking for a girlfriend usually involves meeting that person right? There's a lot of things I don't know. Choices are great, but when faced with a multitude of choices, it may become a lack of direction.

Heh, sometimes I wonder if I was a bit more unfortunate, would I have done better. That way, I would have less choices and more passion in what I do. Maybe, but that is in the realm of could have been and have no relevance to the now. So. I wonder what I should do.
Writing all this probably makes me less mysterious (and less attractive by association), but it is a method of expelling emotions and feelings that seems to work very well. Yesterday's post might seem a little bit extreme, but it has helped control it. I don't know what happened yesterday, but I feel better today.
Well, there's a lot more I do want to write, but this is it for me today. I need sleep. Good night and sweet dreams.

The feeling right now is...

Fuck this. Fuck all of this.


I'm this close....this close...and yes...very annoyed right now. At the world in general, but then again, mostly at myself. Mostly at myself.

I don't know how to describe it. It's probably like a mid-life crisis, mixed with a lack of achievement and dedication. A lack of meaning I guess, in life, in reality, in everything. What is it? I'm tired of trying to find out the patient way. It's like an altered state of mind. I'm just very very annoyed right now.

And worst of all is, I really can't direct this energy anywhere. It's not anybody's fault, not even my own. It's all circumstance.

Well. Those feelings stay here for a while.

Good night.

Friday, November 24, 2006

I love root beer.

Yes, I love root beer.

Ever since I rediscovered this beverage of choice in university, I have grown very accustomed to it. Nowadays, if I'm looking for a soft drink, it is root beer I turn to. All root beer tastes different because of a different composition. Personally, I prefer A&W because it contains vanilla, which makes it taste sweeter.

It's 12. and I guess it's kind of late. I'll write this quick.

Thanks Francis. Those 80s songs are gold. Here's a list:
Level 42 - Something about you
Christopher Cross - Arthur's Theme
Lionel Richie - Hello
Aha - Take on Me

I'll be listening to them for the next several days.
I'm curious. Would you prefer your partner to be reliant on you, or be totally self-reliant? Would you rather that they are weak or strong emotionally? I'm curious you see. Too reliant a partner, and that becomes clingy. Too self-reliant, and that becomes frigid.

I think one of our needs is that we feel that we are needed in some way. That we matter in this world. So, in order to 'matter', you need to be needed by the person you love right? It makes you feel 'special' and unique. However, in order to attract such a person, you need to be successful in life in some way. They have to excel in some field, meaning they are more than self-reliant. This makes it a balancing act between being successful and needing the other person.

By my conclusion, the best attraction that one can have is to be hugely successful with a character flaw, whether it is in personality or emotionally. That way, for guys at least, it also nurture the mothering instinct in females to try to correct you out of it.

Granted, this is still theory crafting, but I think it is sound in reasoning.
Anyways, I think I'm going to sleep. It is 12 and maybe I'll post some more later tomorrow.

Good night and sweet dreams. Till I see you in my dreams, my dear Valkyrie.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

You know what I hate?

It's the fluid motion of life. We pass through life meeting new people, hanging out with friends, and lose touch with old friends. There are some friends that you stay in contact with all throughout your life and know you very well. More often than not, friendship has a certain time limit on it. After a while, you both just drift off in opposite directions.

While it is true the fluid process of motion is stronger than something standing still, does that apply to friendship? I mean, I don't think it's right to be a stronger person at the expense of friends. Sure, you may become a more interesting person by ditching old friends and meeting up with new ones, but what does that say about yourself. The analogy of whether the mountain or the ocean is stronger holds here. While it seems that the mountain may eventually be washed away by the fluidness of the ocean, it is the mountain where you can build your home on. A home adrift on the high seas is not a home at all.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this. While friends come and go, it is important not to lose touch with the ones that have had for a long time simply because it is too much trouble to keep them. And then again, you musn't forget to make new friends and meet people, or you'll be stuck in a rut.

This post was not prompted by anything. I just wanted to write something that people can either agree or disagree with.
Oh yeah, I was looking through facebook, and damn it, my sister does know some really pretty girls. Not that I would even remotely think of asking her for anything. It is my strong belief that I believe in a higher power, destiny if you will, than anything else. And besides, I doubt any of them are interested in the same things I am.

I do believe compatibility is a major issue in relationships. But what do I know? It's like I'm a theorycrafter than a participant. But meh, I don't like to fail. Ever. I wonder why that is. But you know what, most people that are interested in the same things I am are taken already. Weird. Hahaha.

And lastly....job update. Nothing yet. I'm supposed to apply to UWO for their PhD program. Apparently, I need several things that I won't be able to get until January unfortunately. This is mighty unfortunate as acceptances and bonus availability become much better during the earlier acceptances. Oh well. I still am uncertain about my path in life. Of course, I always hope that my path is the right one, but one can never be sure.
Weird dreams again. I don't remember what this one exactly is. But it was weird. And it had superpowers in it. Very strange. But my Valkyrie wasn't in it. Unfortunately.

Anyways. Till I see you in my dream, my dear Valkyrie.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

So bored that I'm watching TV

I'm so bored that I'm watching TV shows. Numb3rs I always have time for, but some more series are seeping in. Like Heroes. The premise of it is excellent. X-men meets common sense in a way. X-men was too fantastical in my opinion, but heroes makes them a part of our world. Or as much as possible.

I'm thinking that I have the soul of a poet, the mind of an inquisitor, the abilities of an engineer, and not enough will to do any of it. Nothing seems to 'captivate' me. Maybe sometime in the future, I'll be able to find out what it is I truly like. For now, I guess I'm semi-content to be a leaf in the wind. But I can't make this last. For a man without ambition is a man without dreams. And I can hardly have that.

Glad to see people enjoy reading this blog.
If you guys haven't seen Matt Dancing then I really suggest you do. This was also awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kiwi!

Spandau Ballet's "True" is probably one of the famous songs of the 80s it seems. It's been used as samples in other songs as well. "Set Adrift in Memory Bliss" by PM Dawn is probably the more famous one. Search these up in youtube. You won't be disappointed. I love that name btw. I always like any phrase with the word Memory, Bliss and anything else regarding Eternity. I wonder why I'm so drawn to those words.
Anyways, one of my friends asked me how I coped with worrying. So I might as write it as the focus of this last segment.

Do I worry? Constantly. About life. About the future. About what I'm doing. My biggest fear is whether the choices I make are correct or not. I'm a commit-o-phobe. I mean, how do you know that the decision you make is correct? Should I go to grad school? Statistically speaking, you meet your spouse most commonly in university, followed closely by the statistic of meeting your spouse at work or work related functions. Now, should I go to grad school? Work? Lounge around? Travel the world? (The last seems difficult as I'm poor and probably can't afford it).

The simple answer is this. You can never be sure, unless you have omniscience. Unfortunately, not many do. So all we can do is go on. Worrying is good, to a point. Because worrying can cause you to do things in a sensible way, but too much worrying, as with thinking, would cause make a coward of us all. All we can do is hope to make the best choices we can at the time.

The result of this is regret. Something I guess I face everyday. That's one reason why I play so many games. It's like a opiate designed to short memory. I guess I regret it now, but I guess I'll just have to live with it. I just wish sometime in the near future, this regret can soften with time and turn to nostalgia. That's a feeling I can live with. A sense of bittersweet happiness of what could have been, yet the pleasant present rather than the uncertain past. Regret can only get you so far.

I guess in a way, my disappointments and plans to choose the right path always involved the fact I believe there's a destiny for people. Or a weird if you like the other interpretation. It's up to you to take up the mantle though. But how do you know its the right choice? That's impossible to know. As well, I think I've been fed way too many stories of true love that while I wish true love was real and possible, a cynical part of me contradicts this. All I can do is hope that I am facing the right way and when the time comes to shine, I will have the knowledge and courage to face it. All we can do is wait for that defining moment and face our weird. Until then, its hard to worry about a lot of things. Especially when there are so many distractions in the world.

Well, that was kind of stream-of-consciousness writing. That really had no point to it. The bare facts is that while some worrying is necessary, it is counterproductive past a certain point. Worry all you want, but it won't change matters unless you force it to change. I guess I'm just following my own advice here.

Just don't be like Hamlet. Think to a point. Stop. And Complete.
Yes, and I had another weird dream.

This one involved a lot of things. I can't remember the start. But a bunch of us, old friends all, went to this apartment. It reminded me of a HK style apartment. One set of windows was not barred while the rest had little cages for resting stuff in...I guess even people. For some reason, some of us decided to go and try the ledges. Now, the one without bars was the largest window and it was open. The girls were already on the cages. It looked sturdy.

One of the guys, a heavyset guy goes to close the window. We happily told him to be cautious in a playful voice, but somehow, he really did end up falling. We were quite shocked. We didn't know what happened, since it looked like he was pushed, but no one was near him.

There's a second part to it, which involves a stepladder, the top of a building, vampire/monsters and me cowering in fear, even with a crossbow. But I was also watching all of this with a detachment as if I wasn't the person cowering in fear, but rather, the narrator. Weird.
Well, till I see you in my dreams, my dear Valkyrie.

What a great song.

Spandau Ballet - True

That's a fresh old song I have always heard but never had a chance to figure out what it was. Anyways, now that I've found it, I'm happy.

So updates. This weekend was fun. Got to see family and friends again. Just a general sense of relaxation. The Nintendo DS performs superbly. Great platform. And the battery life lasts. Definately fun.

As for other things, I guess I am keeping a positive outlook, which I guess is pretty rare for me. So far, I think I have nothing to complain about and everything has been great. I just wish it lasts.

So my Japanese 'dream' job, if I had any, rejected me. Politely, but still rejected me. I'm just looking forward to the fellowship. I'll do it tomorrow. Just came back from O'Conners. Fun night. Got to love talking to people and learning about things.

The Blow - True Affection. Another good song. Just listening to random songs on etunes.
Sometimes, I think I should have left towards Ottawa a lot earlier than now. But you really can't change the past. Regret yes, but regret doesn't do anything. You can sigh with nostalgia, but regret goes nowhere.

For a last term, it isn't bad. Definately interesting and meeting a lot of people. Been having a lot of weird story dreams again. I wonder why. They've stopped somewhere in the last 4 years. Ever since university. I wonder why they're starting up again. Not that I mind it, but why until now?

Thanks guys, for your input on when people should get married. Lots of responses I've read (ie. 6. I wish I had more, but I guess I don't have enough readers). It seems that most people would say that it just feels right and around a year or so. I'd tend to agree with that. But I'd probably place it longer from 1 year and change it to 2 years.

Question today: Where do you think most relationships that end in lasting marriage starts?
1. Friends of a friend
2. Randomly (bar hopping/clubbing/etc)
3. Conference of similar tastes (ie. convention of something (anime perhaps), or alcoholics anonymous (that was a joke.) or maybe at a book club or something)
4. Online (guessing recently stuff)
5. Arranged marriage (probably in other countries, not here)
6. Love at first sight.
7. People met through work

Anyways, ask around, like parents, or friends of parents or people that you know are married. I want to know. =)

Good night to all and a good night to all.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Another short one today.

Do I have Asperger Syndrome? It kind of sounds like me. Read the article and respond please? For people that know me?

Although one thing I don't have is an obsession.

Anyways. A longer post will be given later. Probably tomorrow. An accounting of the weekend and the thoughts that spawned from them

My Karmaic Balance is good so far. Let's keep it that way.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Life is Good.

Life is good. Hopefully things and karma stays this way! =)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Weird Dream. but here it is in detail.

Anyways, it was like I was on a TV show. I'm one of the main characters, and the show is about many things. Most of it was about university. There are filler episodes that do not relate in any way to rest of the show.

I'm a university student with a main group of 4 friends. Me, guy A (Ya), girl A(Xa) and girl B(Charlotte). Now, Ya, Xa and I have been friends for a long time. We are friends, but Ya and Xa have a romantic tension towards them that is never fulfilled. I on the other hand, is Xa's best friend, while Ya is my best friend as well.

THroughout the course of the show, it is shown a lot of things, like how we meet deadlines and how we try to accomplish things we set out to do in university. However, most of that stopped when Charlotte joined our group.

Now, Charlotte was pretty. Short hair, always a hair clip in her short hair, brown hair, eyes and always energetic. She was like one of those sports managers in a sports manga brought to life. Now, Charlotte and I definately have some sort of romantic tension and this is explored in quite a bit of detail.

Midterms arrive and we all study like hell for them. Xenia was there as a guest star and she was commenting on how we never really study that hard. I find out that I live with Ya. Xa and Charlotte live across from us.

On the last few episodes, Xa meets a guy and falls heads over heels for him. They decide to get married quite fast. Ya becomes devastated. Xa doesn't seem to notice and invites all of us to her wedding, with Charlotte as the main bridesmaid and Ya and I to be two of the groomsman. All of us go on a trip to go skiing as a graduation gift to ourselves.

Weird part (could be filler):
Now, what was weird about this was that this was like a special episode depicting weird events. There was a mansion in the middle of a snow tundra. Just before the mansion, there is a bottomless chasm with a very very thin bridge connecting the two. THe chasm is no more than 2m wide, but definately scary. Before the chasm, there is a convenience store hut where we go in for hot chocolate. I'm the first one there, while the others take their sweet time driving. Kent (one of my other friends, can't tell if he's Ya or not), was over enthusiastic and almost fell in to the bottomeless chasm because it is only 2 meters and over a hill. He did get back safely though.

While we're waiting for our guide, the convenience store owner asks for hair nets. When asked what he's going to do with them, he says he's using them to deep fry pure chocolate. It sounds disgusting, because he's using hair nets to do it, but when it comes out, it's more like a batter coating a huge chocolate roll cake. Meanwhile, kent's playing with a doll that accepts chocolate candies (like m&ms) as money and keeps feeding it.

Meanwhile, the mansion is being rented by the elderly couple that owns it and doesn't seem to be worried that its empty most of the time. The realtor agent doesn't understand this and seems to be in quite a mood about it. She accepts the elderly couple's decision to only charge very little for the place, but doesn't seem to be too happy about it. She does realize though, that not many people would rent such an out of way place.

The episode concludes normally and we are seen riding back home in the bus. When all of us gets to our stop, I stay on the bus while the others get off. Telling them I'll join them later, I think about what to do with the case of Xa and Charlotte. I realize that I like Charlotte a great deal. Ringing the next stop, I realize it would be a cool 2 minutes before the next stop which translates to more than 20 minutes walk home. I walk home at the stop with a smile and I seem to hear a strain of music. It flows into me and I could hear the lyrics of this strain of melody. "I you. Anything...Everything. Oooo, you know it's true." was the snippet I can still remember. After this song ended, another one began. I don't remember the lyrics to this one, but it is also incredibly pretty, and it is a soft slow ballad. When I get back though, I realize that our last projects our due. We are an art school and our last projects are sculptures. Somehow the wedding business is forgotten by me. We all work on the project. On the last scene, our entire class pose in front of the camera with our various sculptures. All of them seem to be held in our hands. However, Xa and Charlotte are missing. The first place sculpture was named "Glide" and it was featured ona table with a blue ribbon on a pedestal. The camera raises over the table (previously blocked by the backing cardboard of the display) and we see that "Glide" was a side profile sculpture of Charlotte. We also see Xa and Charlotte kiss. The matter of the wedding is still unresolved. And it ends.

Last known part was a commercial for a HK TV show about a guy (late 30s, 40s) with a beard and mustache living with his parents still. It was surprising me because up till now, the actors were speaking in Japanese (yes, I know I don't know Japanese, but in my dream I did). Whereas the actor was speaking in cantonese now. Then it really ends.

I frantically tried to remember the name of the show, and it slips by my memory grasp a few times. I don't remember it. However, I do remember that there is a 3 part (or 4 part) OVA that explains the ending and continues it to the true ending.

Then I wake up.

I do remember though, that the true ending involves me and Charlotte pairing off. Ya getting Xa's wedding called off at the last second. Xa and Ya getting together. It is really kind of cliche, but it is so good. It makes me wish I could see the OVA. Too bad it doesn't really exist in real life.

Comments? Email me =p. I want to know what you guys think.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Cleaning up my act

Well, I guess I should clean up my act. For what? I don't know. For who? I don't know. All I know is that if I keep doing this, all I'll have at the end is a whole bunch of empty promises and nothing substantial. Although one can argue what exactly is substantial in this world.

My writing is colloquial according to Lisha. She's probably right in this regard. My story is trying to portray the growth of character rather than advancing the plot. While this is good for semi-autobiographical stories, it is a crappy style for science fiction or epics. I must therefore rewrite the entire thing and restructure it. I'm now 12 pages behind, and I haven't started at all.

What is wealth? What is life? What is purpose? Can we exist without purpose? Or do we become ghouls at that point...zombies that just wait until true death?

I don't feel motivated to clean up my act. But unless I clean up my act, I doubt I'd be motivated to do anything. What a catch 22.

It's already in the middle of november. What I have to do:

Apply for the job that I want. (The GE phd study thing)
Look for grad schools.
Look for a Nintendo DS lite.
Finish FYDP report.
Write 12 pages for story.

I'll stop playing WoW sometime. I really should. Sigh. But I need a timesink. I guess I could play DOTA again. The fact is, it helps me away from thinking about other stuff. I guess games are my equivilent of alcohol. Although, no matter how many games I play, I doubt I'll achieve the 'beer-goggle' effect. Wait...a girl that plays video games? That is the 'beer-goggle' effect right there.

This is so depressing. Apparently I'm no better than an alcoholic. Spare me.

Another thought recently. I want to write a letter to my future self. That way, I can see how 'brilliant' or 'stupid' I was several years ago. I don't recall my dreams and aspiration from 10 years ago, when I was 12. That was sad. But I also realize I wasn't observing as much. Not the observer I am now. I had action back then. Truly, does conscience make cowards of us all.

Anyways. I saw a cool blood red moon on friday. That was cool. I wonder why, but it's really pretty.

I was clicking around lavalife, and I was checking their descriptions out. When you're cornered by makes you look hard at the descriptions you can set for yourself. Try it sometime.

Therefore, from the options: I'm a honest, shy and impulsive guy that's a sucker for a cute smile that values loyalty and a curious mind.

I wonder what else is new? I don't know. Oh well. Here's a cute picture.

I think the cat is cute!

Oh yeah, do I have to set a life/thought-provoking question here before people respond to me or write comments? Here's mine:

"At what point in a relationship do you think getting married is the next step?" - By the way, this is not a competition. I'm just curious about what people think. Ie. Just dating for several months? Living together for several months? Or are you people going to chicken out and say 'when it feels right'.

Anyways. Good night. Sweet dreams. And may you always find your way through darkness and light. Till we meet again, my Valkyrie.

Friday, November 10, 2006

back to the that time again.

Again. I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Another week, another post.

So what new this week? A new haircut, a new set of glasses, a new mp3 player, a new webcam.

Besides material stuffs, not much.

Anyways, been playing WoW quite a bit still. It's a good timewaster, although one wonders if wasting time is ever good. But then again, all you need to do is find out several activities that you would enjoy as you continue your journey to death. Pleasant thought eh?

I found out several things.

I can't seem to get into K-dramas. I don't know if its the actors, the culture or the plots, but I simply cannot seem to relate to them on a level I can understand.

I also don't find the Korean actresses attractive. Maybe it's the cultural undertones or the lack of media contact/brainwashing, I just don't find them as attractive as some people profess 'drop-dead gorgeous'.

I lack passion. Ambition I have. It's that I can't get into a topic too deeply or interested in it for its own sake. Or at least any activities that would help me make a 'living'. That's why I make short term goals for myself that has direct results. Why I like games that have 'rep' systems because it feels like I'm accomplishing something, or at least tricking myself into thinking so. I'm pretty confident in my ability to do things, so I feel like a missile without a target. Drive, it's what I'm missing.

So my dad and I get into a huge discussion on what I should do after graduation. I still don't know. I find it hard to decide, and harder to take action on a definite step.

There's more that I should write, but I can't think of them at the moment that would be appropiate because it would be trite. So good night and sweet dreams, my dear Valkyrie.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Stories that strike the heart.

There are some stories that hit me in my heart. I've always believed that there is something special and sacred about relationships. I'm a romantic and an idealist. There is something special about every relationship, whether good or bad. Sure, maybe relationships sour over time and maybe it won't work out in the end. But to actively interfere in someone else's relationship because you can seems despicable.

It is even worse when you don't particularly care about the person you are interfering with and playing with them like human toys.

Damn, sometimes I wish I could wipe those people off the planet.

Where did this come from? Just a story I've read. I got very disturbed after reading it. Angry even.

I just read a dream that I've written down only 4 days ago, and I no longer remember the particulars about the dream. Sigh. It looks like even writing them down doesn't work anymore.

Fun saturday. Not many like it so far.

Anyways, I realized that I forgot to include photos. They will be posted at the end of this post.

So on Saturday, Mason, Val and I went around Ottawa just hanging around. Went to the Lieutenant's Pump, a small pub, for lunch. Diner like in its menu, I couldn't get liver and onions because it was brunch, so I settled with its breakfast special. It was pretty and good. Tasty. We discussed random topics including but not limited to: religion, food, people, medical practices, government spending, politics, etc. We wandered Bywood market, and Parliament Hill. It was closed, but we still went up the Peace Tower. Went around Rideau center.

Afterwards, had a very enjoyable meal at Big Daddy's Crab Shack. They had oysters on the half shell there, so we had a couple of those, and some oysters baked with crabmeat and cheese. Tasty appetizers. I had the Texas Redfish and mash potatoes with lobster gravy. Mason had the catfish and Val had crabcakes/crawfish combo. The crabcakes were awesome, much better than the crap they served down in Waterloo at that fish house. The fish was awesome (both of them) with good flavor and fresh tasting filets. The vegetables were one of the few steamed vegetables that were cooked well and still retained its flavour. No frozen vegetables here. Or at least if it was, they cooked it well. The mash potatoes with lobster gravy was a bit salty, but excellent nevertheless.

Then we wandered a bit more, and went home. A most enjoyable saturday.

Why is it that everytime I hear songs from Love Hina, it makes me want to cry? By all counts, it is a happy anime, with love and redemption, and yet it makes my eyes water up. Maybe it marks a return to the time when there was less responsibilities and more possibilities and that it is a realization of wasted effort that I have put in since? Or maybe that the world changes and yet, I still long for the days of yesterday?

Maybe it is because it contrasts the life that I have now versus the one before? Nostalgia, as always, is a most interesting emotion, fill with heartache and regret. And yet it is one I treasure the most, as it reminds me I'm still here.
I just had a weird dream just now, but not going to post it here. I don't understand it myself. But weird. Damn weird.

The storyline will change like this. The female that the lead is interested in would be switch sides because of a switch in ideology. The lead would be interested in a new girl on his own side. They get married, have a kid, but he still can't forget the first girl, even though he was on the other side. Even after resolution, this causes a break between the lead and girl #2, causing a shift in balance in their side of organization. Of course, there is the redemption part, which is that the guy realize what he was chasing was a figment of his imagination and returns to girl #2. Very cliche, but sometimes things are cliche for a reason. It is the execution that is going to be difficult.
Some photos from last week:

Here's a huge dinosaur bone, with Sandy in it.

Richard getting eaten by dinosaurs.

Me with triceratops!

Sandy and I with Einstein!
Anyways. Time to sleep. Good night all!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Well...kinda finished WoW

Well, its been another long while since I've posted. That delay was caused by WoW. Yes, its an artificial goal set by a game, but I've finished what I set out to do with 2 months to go. Well, it is fun, to talk to people and to try to finish an shared objective. It is pretty lonely here in Kanata.

Well, I went to the Nature musuem this past Sunday with Richard and Sandy. Was fun, although some exhibits were not ready despite it being the first weekend to open since its renovation of its east wing. So the dinosaur exhibit was awesome. Pictures below. It was fun. Afterwards, went to Zek's diner. I had liver and onions, which is what I order everytime I go into a "diner". It was okay. Different from most I've had, because this was actually cooked well past done, to a bit burnt. However, the onion was kinda still raw, meaning it still had bite to it, but not enough sweetness. The coleslaw was okay, as was the onion rings. Overall, it was decent.

Afterwards, we went to Kate's house because she was throwing a small gathering for StatCan people. So Richard and I tagged along. Afterwards, we went home while they went to a bar. Living out in the boonies means that we were at the mercy of the buses.
More thinking.

What am I looking for? A girl that interests me intellectually and physically. Apparently, she doesn't exist. Lily thinks that I have more chance looking for girls on WoW than in real life.

Could be what I want doesn't exist? It could be, because apparently if I think about it, I'm not even viewing what I want as a person anymore. You can't expect to just ask for someone that would stay with you without conditions. Will I be willing to change in order to be with anyone? Of course, I'll say right now, but who knows in the future. You are who you are. You can change in the little ways, but it is hard to change a lot of little things than one big thing.

I don't know what I want in life yet. My interests are varied, yet none of them are a passion for me. Perhaps I need to find someone that would inspire passion. But I'm too shallow. I want someone that understand geek culture, is interesting (weird in otherwords =P), and in my opinion, looks good. But from what I understand of statistics, the chance of me meeting someone single like that is next to 0. Most of them are in a relationship already. Sometimes I wonder if the person I'll fall in love with will have a huge traumatic experience or have been hurt before. Otherwise I'd probably never "deserve" her. Sigh. I have an inferiority complex nowadays, or at least for this aspect of my life. I think I've always had it.

I guess I don't know what my future holds. Nor do I know what path it should take. This path will probably warn girls away with "Loser" branded on my forehead. Or maybe it does now. Indirection is never good. Always go with the direct. But for now, it is better to be a bit more indecisive than to be trapped in something you don't like for a long while. Apparently, I'm still young, even though I'm probably too old for a first kiss. In this aspect, my mind is probably still in high school.

And I decided to quit swearing. Swearing for me was never about blasphemy or any special thing. It was to garner attention on to whatever I was talking about. Therefore, in order to emphasize anything I will instead just growl in a menacing tone.

Oh yeah, waiting for my mail order perscription glasses to arrive. It's a good deal, considering the 'features' its supposed to have. Memoryless, bendable, "rimless" for $50. That, and a haircut. And a new wardrobe. Apparently I need a lot of things. Kind of want a new mp3 player, but that will have to wait.

Anyways, I got nothing else to write. Good night. Been having weird dreams, but each of them are semi-enjoyable. Till I see you in my dreams, my dear Valkyrie.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Been a week

So I've been thinking this past week. Oh yeah, my total number of pages to write is now 4. Damn my straying thoughts.

I noticed I was thinking a lot while I was walking. About my life in general, and al ot of other things. The problem comes in recalling it. I can't. They are deep profound thoughts, dedicated to changing my perception of everything, and yet, I usually forget it as soon as I get home. I have a shadow of what it was, and yet, I just can't remember exactly the thoughts exactly.

What am I looking for? Some would say immortality. Some will say immortality lays within the gneetic material we pass on to the next generation. Others would say that we would remember those that stay close to our hearts. Yet others would say that immortality lay in wait for those that are great enough for everyone to remember. Yet in a few hundre years, we fall. Forgotten from memory, forgotten from the face of the earth. No one would mourn us. And that is too sad to contemplate. I guess then, if it is not immortality that we seek, then it should be pursuit of the moment, or at least the moment and the immediate future. For all plans shatter and the first ring of reality.

Ha. What I want to do for the rest of my life? I kind of figure this thing out. I am simply, a system exploiter. I have an innate understanding of systems in the abstract sense, and I can sense the weakness and strengths of them. I can't see what time of job will allow me to use this ability fully, but if I do, it will be a fun job.

I think I've been treating girls like figurines again. I have a problem treating them as people. I hold them up to pedestals, which is unfair of me to do so. I guess its all this romantism and chivalry that I still believe on some fundamental level, underneath this hard crusty cynical shell. But I think I know what I want now. A companion. One that is willing to put up with my impulsiveness. And yes, I'm impulsive. It's just that being impulsive alone isn't that much fun.

Sigh, there are a lot more things. I'll have to write them down next time, instead of relying on memory. My memory fades fast. Too fast. Till I see you in my dreams, my Muse.