Thursday, December 29, 2005

Success and Failure

Let see, today is December 28th and I'm currently sitting here bored. I never thought rest could be so boring without communication into the wired world. Thought I'd do some work for once, but my WTR is pretty much finished, and reading a control book is boring. I got distracted once again by games. I just couldn't stand the boredom. And then I read Rough from scratch. Adachi is truly a genius with his romantic comedies.

Didn't do much so far. Everyday is sleeping late until 4 in the afternoon and it is usually too late to do anything by then.Yesterday, went downtown with a bunch of people to this restaurant Rancho Relaxo. It had this lounge at the back of it where Mike, Andrea's boyfriend, was playing in a band. Pretty impressive. Liked it when he pulled out his acoustic guitar, because those were the slow songs.

My creativity has certainly not been awakened lately. My dreams have been getting less and less memorable. I can hardly remember many of my dreams now. It is as if my muse has abandoned me. Sometimes I wonder if she is making me choose between her and what could be my land-bound muse. All there seem to be is some kind of premonition that I can not quite understand.

Next term is not going to be fun. What with the enormity of the fourth year design project, one must ask if I'm happy where I am. Not many people want to discuss their futures when there is so much uncertainty surrounding it. Several of my friends are soon to be graduating from university with their four year programs. Most do not have a clear idea of what they want to do or even what they aspire to. Do we live in a world where dreams are dead? Or are they fell when they were just about to rise? When I bring the topic up on what they plan to do, I hear nary an idea and more often thean not, a request to change the subject. Isn't this our time of potentials? When we are at our peak with limiteless possibilities? But at the same time, is it the time of not trying for fear of settling for something when you could have had more? That's the great thing about uncertainty. You can't say you've failed unless you've attempted it. Without that attempt, who's to say who has succeeded and who has failed?

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Let us write

Words are the symbols that allow communication and from that our thoughts and imaginations spread large distances. For ideas are more than the sum of their parts and less than reality. Skip the parts that seem boring to you and read the ones that sound interesting. It's a long ramble of sorts. Be prepared. And knowing is half the battle.
It's five o'clock in the morning and I have not yet slept. My mental state probably is not in the best shape, but my rough draft of my work term report is done. Besides the references, it is completed. Spent most of the week at work on the main body. Spent today on the polish and diagrams. It is almost finished. Now I just need to proof read it.
I just realized that without games, I am semi-productive. Without communication, I am even more, but at the cost of my mental state. I desperate need communication with other people. It is as they say, no man is an island. But I do recognize that I am productive. Without games, and distractions, I probably have a chance at suceeding at what I plan next term. Especially with the fourth year design project, it will not be easy.
With no other distractions, all I have are old manga that I haven't seen for quite some time. And with it, a sense of nostalgia. I guess one of the reasons that people like nostalgia so much is because it was in the past.There is no uncertainty in it; hindisight is 20-20. But for me, nostalgia takes another place in my heart, because it represents the limitless possibility of what it could have been.
For some people that may be the saddest words of all, but to me, it is a neutral phrase, filled with the possibilities of my imagination. I do have a more active imagination then most. For me, the barriers between dreams and reality is thinner than most, although I'd more likely want to have the whole in reality rather than in my dreams. But sometimes, there might not be another way to achieve what I want.
My friend and I had a discussion the other day. He commented that he and I were different, because we aspire to be something more than human. We say human as if it was a dirty word, like how we use subhuman. It is kind of true that we are elitist. We view most of society and the general populace with disdain and pity for stupidity. That's because in our minds, we could have done a lot better. But you know what? This view may never be proven. It may be just how we view ourselves in order to make ourselves feel special. I don't know. Perhaps its true. For him, this is easy, because he has no interest in relationships of any kind. At least not now. Who knows in the future?
For me, I must say I am ...desperate. Not for a relationship, but for THE relationship. It is I guess, an extension of my elitism. And I won't hesitate to admit it, under normal circumstances (without video games or distractions, like I was in junior high) I will do ANYTHING in my power to empower myself. And that was partly because I hate having to work under orders unless I can learn something. I have made a pact with myself though. I will NEVER change myself unless it is a decision I make. Gratz to those that can manipulate me in this fashion. There are few enough as it is that can do so. It could also be because of the fact that I'm lonely. This probably isn't surprising, in this anonymous global village. Sometimes I wonder if I don't even see the girl at the end as a person, but as an object as part of the relationship. But even then, I'd probably treat her as a princess. I don't know. ALL I know is that I would always strive to never make her cry. But is that good? That could also explain why I fear rejection and failure: because it would mean I failed in achieving the goal. Now that's just bad form. I have no clue. But if that's the case, then all previous history can be declared null and void and I must admit, I have never met a person that have moved me.
That, I guess, would be wrong then. There have been two girls that have held my interest, three if you count appreciation of esoteric beauty. I know now number 1 was an infatuation. I knew then number 2 was definately just an appreication of beauty. But number 3? Even if it may just be an infatuation, I feel that I want to spend more time with her. Too bad I seem to be having no luck with it. Ugh. I wish that I was able to read minds. Sometimes I wonder if I just don't have what it takes in the looks department. Heh, and to think I willingly destroy my own body by having a bad sleeping schedules and not treating my body correctly. Maybe I should slap some sense into my younger self. As for trying, I don't know how to proceed. Heh, my sister says that asking her straight out would probably scare her. Probably. Too bad I already did it. As for lack of mutual friends, or close enough friends on her side, I have been told by some of my friends (and my sister) that I have no chance. But I don't know, I think I'll keep trying, even though its hard just to get into contact with her.I wish there was just some kind of sign though. Maybe I did and I screwed it up already. And I'm usually so good with pressure. Maybe that's only for academics. Ha. This would probably be creepy if I heard it from someone else. But I guess it sounds less bad considering its me, who's been concerned with the problem of time for so long. Maybe I setrive to become normal. I know I probably will probably never really be mainstream. I'm a romantic cynic or a realistic idealist. I never watch sports, and only play games. I shun television unless I have control of the shows I watch. I read books only when I like the content which usually involves a relationship of some sort. I dislike mainstream music and I like ballads, but only specific ones that link me to some scene or imagery in my mind. In the words of Randal, "I hate people, but I like gatherings". I don't know what I am.
Some girls have said that looks don't matter. I doubt that. That they want someone to just make them laugh. Sorry, but seriously, take a look around you and tell me that its true. Some say that its people they admire. Okay, being good at engineering is not something to be admired as it is respect, and respect can only go so far. Some have suggested doing stuff that you enjoy to do and love will find you. Other says you have to chase the girl in order to make her fall in love with you. There's as many different types of advice as there are different types of girls in the world. I guess advice can be only taken so far. This is not an AI after all. Just as I enjoy games with real human interaction, I doubt I can look at love as a series of controlled response. I doubt anybody can be that easily described anyways.
======Direction of Life--------------
I feel like I've reached a crossroads. That there are two distinct paths to take. In one, I can continue to form my opinions from behind the door in my little world. Safe with little games that litter abundant amongst the highways of data. On the other is the real world, faced with perilious dangers and the nameless nemesis. People are so alien there in the world. As anonymous as they are in the world, I think that this is probably why religion has had a surge in the years after the Internet. But one cannot live behind the door forever. However, to take that step will require too much work and culture shock that I can not handle. Instead, I take the third choice, which is to open the door and greet any that comes through. It is an easy compromise. This passivity might cause me harm though. Sigh.
Do you believe in destiny? I've heard girls like to hear that. Or better yet, show that you believe in destiny. It certainly fuels the romantic fires. As for me? I probably believe it more than most. You wonder why? Perhaps its that I always have luck with the little things. The goddess of convenience helps me. But I have no luck with the big things. Maybe its because I used it already? Who knows. I do believe in a balance though. Maybe i just have to work towards that balance before I take another withdrawal at the bank of luck. I certainly need the luck it seems. Back to the question: Do I believe in destiny? Certainly, I've always believe that we're all meant to do something, whether caused by ill fate or manifest destiny. And love? Love is destiny incarnate. Unless the circumstances are just right, it'll never work. Of course, I also believe the more opportunities there are, the more likely luck can help you. All a matter of statistics my friend. And besides, you don't have dreams like mine unless you believe in destiny.
My most recent dream involved a battle. I have no clue on why, except that it involved martial arts. There would be more details, but I am reporting this almost 16 hours after I had woken up from the dream. All I can remember is that we were fighting in an old house. The sigil was there to guard something. The sigil is a green piece of squarish circular jade around the size of a toonie. On it, there was the runes that looked like a chinese signature stamp. For some reason, Jon Chan had this stamp. He was not evil in the sense of an the antagonist of the dream, but rather neutral as it was a test. There were urns too, but I forget why. For some reason there was at one time a fire alarm and we were forced out of the mansion which was made entirely out of glass.

If these dreams are any indication, I'm crazy. Or imaginative. Or both.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

By my Heart's command

Well. nothing much happened. Skiing was pretty fun. Left me pretty sore (that tells you the level of exercise I've been getting).

Talked to Jack for a long while. Haven't talked to my cousin for a long time. Oh, my older cousin has a baby girl now. Gratz Eleena. into this horrible terrifying world. And going back to China in the middle of the bird flu season. You're a brave one. And I never congratulated you either Andres. Gratz.

Anyways, sometimes I wonder about the percentage of life's successes. I've gotten a letter/email about a job oppotunity that may be achievable based on my resume and my old contest scores. But I'm no longer an individual that strives for achievement. I'm already in a rut. I need something to shake me out of this lethargy. Maybe a new direction in life. Hell, I already know what direction I want to head in, but can I get there?

I'm just reminded of a quote about the fact that when you're in love you can't tell where your heart is. Only the girl that has your heart can tell you that.

I don't know where my heart is. But I'm not sure if anyone has actually found it. But I'm tempted, no, commanded to explore, by the heart I'm not sure I've lost. But is there a reason? I can't tell. Must plow on.

And thus the cynical cycle begins.
"All right," said Susan, "I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need ... fantasies to make life bearable."
No. Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.
"Tooth faries? Hogfathers?"
Yes. As practice. You have to start out learning to believe the little lies.
"So we can believe the big ones?"
Yes. Justice. Mercy. Duty. That sort of thing.
"They're not the same at all!"
Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice. And yet you act as if there were some sort of rightness in the universe by which it may be judged.
"Yes. But people have got to believe that or what's the point—"
My point exactly.
– Hogfather

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Lonely in Gorgeous Tears

I'd rather write/read a blog than to write my WTR. This lack of motivation is bad. Life as usual, has been uneventful for now, for which I am glad. When events happen, I like to be on top of things, being able to spin them the way I want them spun.

And yet, someone just told me I'm spontaneous. Go figure. I guess its because I can commit to an event 2 days before I'm told, does not mean I'm spontaneous. But rather, I plan enough ahead that there is optional time, time I can spend uselessly on subjects.

I like my plans. They allow a lot of leeway to do things when I want, what I want. The problem of course, is that sometimes those times can turn to unproductivity because I didn't plan on them for being work time.

So, plans vs. spontaneous actions. I like to be prepared and incorporate both into my plans. But some people don't understand how I like to be prepared for anything.

Oh well. Those people that don't understand me just can be without my magnificent prescence.

My ego has gotten bigger...can you tell?

Anyways...Lonely in Gorgeous Tears is by Tommy Feburary6, a Jpop band. I find the melody to be interesting. Currently top song on winamp. Next to Hotel California sung by the Gypsy Kings with an accent. Fun to listen to =)

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Efficiency <100%

As expected, my interest in WoW is waning. This is to be expected. I am on the ball. Now to get the brain working on my WTR instead of playing Civ 4.

As for other matters... I have no clue where I stand. Seems like my mind is still stuck in high school. I just don't know how to proceed at all. Sometimes I feel really awkward. Sometimes it feels fine, but only at a certain level. Thinking...overthinking. I'm not much of a risktaker. I'd do things to the extreme, but to take conscious risks....almost never.

Listening to a song right now. Very funny. Something about Suzie and her headgear. Us = u + i. I need to track this song. Heh...

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Joy of simple chicken noodle soup

Boil Campbell's Chicken noodle soup.
Add leftover chicken.
Add rice noodles.
Doubly good chicken noodle soup.
Feel good.
I just wasted 4 hours on Civilization 4. While it is a good game, I'm getting annoyed at the game dynamics. Seems that my research speed is slower than normal. Or something.

Anyways. A good night to all and to all a good night.

Friday, December 09, 2005

To quote something would mean that it would have to be in the past

Something I wrote in August of this year.

Anyways, reading over some chats I've had with people and I realize that nothing has ever gone quite as I had expected, or even hoped for. Some time ago, I had discussed with another person whether I was really unhappy or just unsatisfied with life. It is hard to say. To be unsatisfied would require a condition that is lacking in my life. Now that is simply not true. I have friends, family, material goods, spirtual wealth (morality in my definition, not faith). The only thing I'm lacking is the "other half". But you know what? Why do we desperately seek something like a partner to share life experiences with? Is life that lonely that we must share our joys and burdens with someone else in order to have significance?

Perhaps. But perhaps that is why sometimes I wonder if I'll only get recognition if I go and commit a heinous crime. Infamous is almost as good as famous. After all, it is only through the reaction of other people that you know you exist. The bigger the reaction, the greater the significance. However, this is wrong and should not be considered at all.

So all that remains is the act of getting a significant other - life partner. Yet, when I look at the trouble of actually going to get one and the cost of maintaining that relationship, I feel that it may be too heavy a price to pay. At least, the way that one of my friend is going about it. Sometimes I feel that his approach is a bit too unrealistic. The entire point of approaching the girl as a goddess to be pleased rather than treated as a human. I fear that he will be taken for granted as I've seen some relationship developed. However, it is not in my place to say, as I have no experience. Only as an observor...and an observor by defintion, does not communicate.

Me? Should I actively persue, or should I be like a viper and strike only at opportune moments. I fear I lack the patience required. Heh...perhaps it is true that it's a shame that girls don't confess to guys. The modern man (or geek anyways) are fearless except when it comes to problems at home. Too bad.

I did have a dream in which it encourage me to ask out girls. After all, how many people nowadays have the courage to randomly go up to a girl and ask them out. It's like diving into a shark pool with meat strapped on top of your back. But then again, they're doing the same thing. While I may not have much experience (or even opportunity) to ask out girls, how many invitations have the girls endured? How many have accepted? How many have even been propositioned this way if all guys were 'scared' like me. It would have to be a few. A small number. Therefore, maybe there is hope for me after all. =)

Hmm. Too bad I don't learn well from pure philosphy. I still don't think I've moved forward. I did have a fun time WoWing and pretty much just relax for the whole term. No worries. That's something rare in this life of ours. Of course, my problem now has come back anew. Except this time I hope to do something about it.

And yes, if you had read the blockquote above, it was because it was in my old blog Most of it represents my thoughts before, and is nowhere as detailed as this blog. I do write ridiculously long posts don't I. I guess my mind just wanders. Hopefully it'll have a home to stay.

Oh. And the reason I play video games? I guess it's because it is only during that time I can momentarily forget to think at all. Apparently, that's a good thing. Probably. Otherwise I'd probably worry too much. I think I already am.

The post below is much more interesting in my opinion. Read that.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

I'm in like with you.

That phrase strikes a cord within me somehow. Because seriously, how exactly do you really love someone without actually getting to know them first. The above phrase is the level below that (I'm in love with you). And the level below that (which is neutral) should be term "I'm interested in you".

Do you believe in love at first sight? I don't. I believe in like in first sight though. Something that is striking, like a certain spark to set your heart ablaze. I've met only 2 girls in my entire life (granted, I haven't known many girls. I wonder why...must be because I'm a crappy dresser) that fit that description. And yet...nothing happens. Why? Because I'm afraid to do anything about it. That insipid fear of screwing things up (rejection) is there. Conscience doth make cowards of us all indeed.

And there's the thing. I have a really good imagination. On one hand, this has helped me a lot, as I can really put myself into other people's shoes and predict what they are going to do usually. Or at least their responses to certain stimuli. On the other hand, it has led to many problems for me: 1) Sometime I put girls (well, just the 2 so far) on a pedestal, mainly because I can envision life with them in a relationship. (It's even scarier for the more recent one, since I can imagine 10 years into the future). 2) My fear of heights (I can imagine exactly the anxiety from just thinking of heights and imagine the pain of falling down. 3) I can imagine EXACTLY what would go wrong if I do anything. This is one of the reasons I'm so apathetic. It's a defense mechanism.

And here's the thing. I must admit, I'm an excellent book learner. When I came to Canada, I must admit, I was a bit embarassed by my parents. The culture clash led to many inevitable problems. Of course, I know better now, but so do my parents (who let me do whatever I want, since I've proven to be responsible). The language barrier my parents faced also made it that much more difficult for me in elementary school. However, I was still a relatively normal kid. I bet, if I didn't get into the gifted program, I would have been much more socially apt. Anyways, regardless, the resulting clash of language and culture forced me to learn culture and social interactions from rough experience (stepping on people's fingers accidentally is bad....even if you don't remember such an incident >.<) and books.

Books are probably my mainstay of learning. I have never liked to learn from teachers unless it is a 1-on-1 tutorial where I can ask all sorts of questions. My inquisitive mind is based upon a personality of observors. A modern sherlock holmes crossed with a psychologist and behavioral scientist. The point is to figure out how to proceed in normal society without actually being in it.

The problem is, for problems of relationships, there are books, but they are either outdated, and inexact. They do not teach you from beginning to end about the whole subject and the problem is also that the science is totally subjective depending on the subject herself. =P A guru is also likely not very useful for this reason because any general tips can be easily garnered from the books.

I hate to admit it, but I've read enough "romance" novels (my sister leaves them around, I swear!), shoujo mangas (hey, I'm a sappy closet idealistic romantic. Don't let my cynical side fool you), chick flicks (hey, they're heartwarming in a desolate world), and science fiction (usually needs a relationship in there to show the conflict and further the plot) that I can imagine ways that MIGHT work...but more likely would not. I can point out so many problems of each way of approach. And they're not guaranteed to work. I can't even calculate a percentage.

So basically, I believe I'm well studied in most aspects of life, except for the relationship part. Part of me wonders why I need someone like that. I've recently asked the question why the kiss was even part of the evolutionary process at all. It serves no evolutionary function. But a friend goes, if you have to ask, you don't understand. It just feels "right".

Heh. The problem is. Sometimes, if I spend enough time thinking about it, I could convince myself that I'm in love with any number of girls. It's like a self-hypnosis technique. My imagination helps this along. However, I do most often realize the fallacy of doing so and I can shatter the illusion quite readily. However, for the girl with the spark, I do not have to spend time thinking about it at all. It just feels right. Too bad I don't know EVER how to convey this so that it freaks her out or make me look like a creepy stalker. The fact is made worse when there are no mutual friends (Ed and Mei, you should thank your lucky stars Stefou hooked you two up).

Which leads to hard choices. One is to charge forward and risk it all. The problem with this is that it is a low chance of success because of the shock value. I do believe in the idea of soulmates, but I doubt anyone would just tell anyone that they were made for each other right away without creeping them out. The other one is the semi-shy, half-interested, friends-border -> girlfriend tactic. It is less of a shock because she has gotten to know you. However, it is a fine line between turning into a full fledge friend and from what I have heard, friendcest does not usually work (Hollywood is fictional. Otherwise friendcest does work. Chandler was damn lucky too). The latter would most likely be better. But, it is even harder when schedules don't match up, etc.

Interesting point: first girl ever that I felt the spark looked very similar to the second girl. Yet when shown photos, my friends disagree. Plato and the world of ideas. Maybe my ideal woman is in that mess of things and that she is just a shadow of that ideal woman from that place beyond worlds. Even so, she is still the woman I love. Theoretically (if the world of forms actually existed or Jung's collective consciousness, or reincarnation actually looked possible).

A book once said to me, you're only in love with the girl if you can actually picture doing ordinary stuff with her. Maybe domestic stuff. And you enjoying it. The problem is, with an overactive imagination like mine, I could make my mind images do almost anything I want them to, especially in relationship stuff. Therefore, it is flawed in my case. Although, for this particular girl, I could imagine several years down the lane. Sigh.

And how do I know I'm in like with this person? Another friend asked me what exactly do you like about this person. The thing is...if she was someone I convinced myself to like, I would have readily available reasons. But for her, I don't know. I just don't know. People disagree, but to me, she seems the most beautiful girl in the world. It just seems right.

Monday, December 05, 2005

On topic of social interaction

Yet another long while before I post again. Why do I keep posting these so late at night? I have no clue. I have a problem. Those who know me probably knows what it is. Or not.

I was at my company's Christmas party the other day. I went there with low expectations. First off, I did not have a date. Why? Read previous posts on trust issues. I simply CANNOT bring a friend to these things. Everybody else there, with the exception of a coworker whose wife insisted on staying with their 6 month old baby, was in a couple. Kind of threw me off a bit, but then again, I realized that I was there only for the food.

That made it all good. I could avoid the judging eyes and focus on the food. When the dancing started, I left after another co-op left with his fiancee.

I took the bus home. On the way home, I saw Jason. Was a coincidence. I wonder at how the world is so coincidental sometimes. But then again, chances of coincidences only increase when you get to know more people.

On the way home, I thought about what it was that was bugging me so much. I never really did find out.

Ah, today's topic is: how do you turn a friend into a girlfriend. I believe the words of Student Bodies said it best: "What happens when you turn a friend into a girlfriend?" "One less friend."
But is that really true?

My friend Lisha says Friend-cest is wrong. However, she does agree it is easier for that to happen then an outright confession. And seriously, I think I've seen enough situations (from TV and real life) that it can really get awkward quick. And I doubt I want that. But is it better to stay in friend limbo?

And how do you do anything is the person on the other end is perpetually busy? It is hard enough as it is to get the person out for coffee, much less a movie. As well, physical distance is a problem. I don't have a car either.

Personally, I can't do anything. Not don't, but can't. My inability here is that I have a problem with rejection (which is a FAILURE. something which gifties do not tolerate. sigh. pathetic). Sometimes I wonder. Of course I hope that the person would like me. But my cynicism always pushes me back down to reality.

And this problem with signals. Mixed signals. Or I just don't know how to read them. Sigh.

Of course, my cynical side tells me to go for it. My idealistic side is silent, but wishes. My conscience pushes me to think of the consequences.

Ugh. So much thinking and so late at night makes my thinking hurt.

And seriously, there have been only 2 people I've ever met that I have been attracted to. One was nothing more than a physical infatuation (in my analysis). This recent one though...I hope it does not get analyzed out and not acted upon (but with my temperament as it could lead to that, sigh).

My friends that know me accuses me of putting women on pedestals (or at least the women I like). I probably do. But at the same time, I realize that they're human. It's like having two different personalities with totally opposite personality traits. It is odd, but I fight a losing battle with myself everyday.

Ah. The soulmate. That perfect partner that Hollywood exist. While I don't doubt that there is a solution to this problem, the statistic odds alone would almost ensure that they do not exist. All you can do is look for someone similar enough and will be willing to put up with you and fantasize a bit to gloss over the dissimilar parts.

Is this infatuation based on loneliness? I doubt that. I've been alone for quite a while. This is nothing new. However, the two people share striking similarities in appearances (although my friends disagree). But to me they do. This could really be a mind trick? Perhaps, or is it something preordained. Something like Destiny, perhaps. Logical mind says no. Magic Eight Ball says uncertain.
Haha. One of my friends, Christie, also read this blog recently and commented that I seem darker to her now. Probably true. I usually show my happy face to so many people that it is tiring sometimes to think about the seriousness of life. I mean, life is a game, but with real consequences. It is a world after all, that people sometimes take obscene amounts of time to escape from it using drugs, or at worst, suicide.

Upon saying that, I also admit that it is certainly at times, a very happy place. I dislike pushing my shit onto other people that don't deserve it. I'm not saying that my very close friends, who have seen both sides of me, deserve that shit either, but we also provide a service to each other: ranting booth.

This blog however, is not a happy place as of yet. It represents what I choose to present to the world that I do not present usually. They represent some of my innermost thoughts (which admittedly is open to the public, but which very few people ever read, because apparently, I freaking write novels (which is actually what I want to do if I ever want to get that book published)). When I become truly happy, on both sides of the shell, the tone of this blog will change. Until then, I will be a morose sad cretin of a creature, uncertain on how to proceed to the next step.

Damn it. I now sometimes regret what I did in highschool. It is true. "Of all the saddest words of paper and pen/the saddest are these/It might have been". Of course. Timing is a huge factor, and damn it if I don't have the luck to pull these off. That, or hindsight gets me.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to read minds. Then again, if you play the game using a cheat, it becomes meaningless. But damn my luck. My luck is good for almost all "useless" things, but never important stuff like these. Com'on, daddy needs a 7 for a girlfriend.
Gratz to Introspector, who's getting a new blog. This guy is probably someone I would swap ideas with. Very interesting fellow, if he'd ever get off his chair and actually write. Although some of his ideas are too deep for me. It will be on the link page soon.

Oh, and who are you farhan12345678. Snarky remarks only work if I know who you are. Or at least is only fun that way.

And if anyone can post some ideas on how do you actually approach a girl if she's constantly busy? And I don't think this is a piss-off signal. She's actually busy. So, any suggestions?

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Lack of meaningful topics

Alas I'm out of meaningful topics. At least, I can't recall them. I always get these kickass topics that I know would go over the blog well, but I keep forgetting them at night. I usually get them in the morning as I'm biking to work, so I have to remember to write them down or something.
Instead I guess, I'll tell you about the dream I had last night. IT was very weird, as dreams go, even for me. My dreams, as I have stated before, are linear, except this was very very weird. It involved a fantasy setting, and I don't recall much now, but at the time, I felt that it was extremely real.

The basis was that somehow the protaganist was rich and his wife was a golddigger. Somehow she poisons him and she stands to win all the money from the death. Instead, as he is about to die, he is able to reverse time by a bit and see through the eyes of his son, who is 9 years old. His daughter remains unaffected. The son, then travels to a doctor who specializes in revival medicines and time travel. He loves his wife very much and sees the golddigger just as a part of her traumatize past that he wants to heal. So he grabs the medicine from the medicine man, who warns him to be very careful with it as it had cost very much to the family (the crime family I believe he was talking about). Each of the medicinal pills looked like giant jawbreakers with a white coating that made it look like an eyeball. He warns that each of the pills were so expensive because each of them contains the life essence of a dragon (a dragon was killed for each pill). He then sends him back in time to where his wife was a kid (and supposedly the traumatized experience occured). He changes the past, which in turn turns his golddigger wife into someone who loves him as much as well. The poisoning never happens and instead, something else happens, and that's when I woke up.
Not as exciting as a topic of discussion eh. Maybe next time. Ahh...need sleep now. I still need to think of a topic for my work term report. Sigh. After the tuition bill comes, with the amount of money I have now, I'll have to scimp a lot for books and stuff. Sigh.

Friday, November 25, 2005

To account for dreams

Dreams is a very special topic for me. For me, dreams represent something foreign and unknown, yet comforting in a strange way. In many ways, when I finish a dream, I feel nostalgic, as if I was refreshed by a memory I have long forgotten. I've tried throughout the years, to write down some of my dreams and try to figure them out.

Most of my dreams do not follow any set protocol. There are no real symbols that I can discern. Instead, each dream is a story, a small plotline that goes from anywhere from the beginning to the end. Sometimes I'm launched into the middle of the story with knowledge about the basic people. Others, I see from the beginning to an abrupt end (when I wake up). Most of these dreams are adventures. I've been a spy, superscientist, modern military scout, mecha pilot, everyday guy, a hero, a fallen outcast, a psychic user, a regular schoolkid-turned-pilot... Each of these dreams have some sort of adventure to it. It's weird. Sometimes I'm just trying to solve a mystery.

For quite a while now, I have noticed a girl in my dreams though. Since the beginning, there was a girl there. There are several aspects of this girl. In one type of dream, she's a mysterious figure. On my side, but only helps me out occasionally. In one dream, for example, she's the lead scientist that developed a process to develop weapons that only exist in potentia, hence developing legendary weapons such as Excalibur. (There's a whole story to this. If you ever want to know, you'll have to ask me directly). In other dreams, she's on the opposite side and we're enemies at first. There are two endings to the dreams where she's on the opposite side. In one, both sides are nearly wiped out and the conflict is over. However, she still feels loyalty to her people and while we can still meet, it is a painful goodbye. The other ending is where we reject both society and become outlaws from both sides of the conflict. Another aspect is where she is clearly just an observor like me.

Weird huh. However, what is weird is that I can never see her face. And although her hair style changes, it is almost always straight hair, either black or brown.

I've taken to calling her my Valkyrie, named after the Norse goddess who take the fallen dead to Valhalla. I don't know why I chose that description, but it seemed to fit.

If anyone want to suggest a meaning to all this, I'm all ears. Until then, I guess it's time to sleep for me.
Oh, have you ever had a sense of nostalgia by the environment you're in? For me, there are 2 environments that seem to envoke a feeling of wistful longing or rememberance of something lost. The first is the night of the summer sky. As I'm walking down the park, looking up towards the black horizon in a diamond scattered sky, with crickets chirping and the soft breeze of the night, it makes me feel as if something is missing. No, someone. It's as if there should be two people walking down the path I'm walking on. Heh. I believe it was a famous poet (forgot who now) that said that if June nights could talk, it would brag about how it invented love.

The other environmental condition is the other extreme. That of extreme winter. Picture a chilling silent winter evening, with the light of the stars being bounced back by the blanketes of snow. The lustrous white gleaming as the sky seem to be alit with starfire. The chill of the winter night adds to the tranquil atmosphere as one walks down the path. I guess it's that type of environment that raises feelings of loneliness and the need for companionship and the fact that we are really alone out in a world of tranquility.

It sounds like it's sappy, but it's how I feel when I walk in those conditions. Meh. But sometimes, those environmental conditions are very comfortable and make me able to relax in an otherwise stressful environment (like Waterloo).
Stream of consciousness writing. It's kind of sloppy, but it does the job, which is to convey what I'm feel sometimes. I think sometimes, that the reason I play games is so that I don't have to think about all this. But then sometimes, it is just so damn enjoyable. It is interacting with people on a different medium. Or otherwise pretend to be someone I am not. OF course, D&D would probably be better for that.

Here's my biggest worry: that it is very difficult to meet new people usually. It should be relatively easy in university, but most people in university, I find, are self-centered and do not care much for other people or their viewpoints. Me, I just enjoy meeting new people, mainly because they serve either as a new base for my ideas or as sources for new ideas. I would like to call myself an observor, but the problem is that an observor doesn't get any 'action'. And it just gets harder to meet people from here. Sigh.

Oh yeah, it doesn't help that I lack the avenues of some people, like religious institutions, clubs that require ability (like drawing, or most sports), or stuff that does not interest me much (kareoke, pretentious ethnic people (you know which ones I detest)). It doesn't help that while I'm Chinese, I lack the avenues towards fellowship there (because my language skills are poor) and the fact that while I know most of the Chinese culture, popular Chinese culture eludes me. Kareoke, Chinese actors, Chinese politics, are foreign to me. Nor do I care about them. On the flip side, while I know Western culture very well, after being part of it for more than 3/4 of my life, I can never fully fit in, mainly because of this culture clash. I also lack an appreciation for some stuff that Western society so highly emphasis, such as watching sports, drinking, and religion. I do not fit in to many mold at all except outsider or stranger. With that in mind, you could probably classify me as a nerd, yet I do socialize, sometimes. As a geek, yet I'm not really obsessive about anything, I lack the concentration. I'm a HK citizen as well as a Canadian citizen, yet I'd rather think of myself as just a citizen. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if everybody's bodies suddenly disappear and just our essence of self (our soul) remained. Maybe then this disparity would not exist. Sometimes I doubt it though, as our brains need labels to function. Maybe that's why I can't function very well. I still can't categorize myself into any easy category. All I can categorize myself into is the type of person who is "me".
A word from our sponsors.

Wow. More than 3 different people have posted comments now throughout several posts. FJ, thanks for the replies. Heh. I didn't even know you read this. MC, I still feel sorry that you have to pull your post out from your own blog, but I understand it may have been embarassing for those involved. JY, how's Japan, I'm surprised you have time to read this =P. Jas, thanks for reading, although I still find it a mystery you found this blog. Tif, no clue who you are, but thanks for reading. To the other readers, post a comment. I'll try to get back to it as soon as possible. David, I know you read this. Go sign up for an account so you can comment =p.
Anyways, I should get to sleep. It is 2:30 and I got work tomorrow. Damn, riding my bike through the snow sucks.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

A look into phobias

Hmm...its been a while again. Keep meaning to post, but never actually doing it. There have been posts I've been meaning to post that I have forgotten about already. It's a shame really. Those would have been really enjoyable.

I went home for the weekend. This is actually something that I haven't done for a while. Most of the time, I stay in Waterloo way too often because my source of communications, my computer, is here hooked up to the internet.

I believe that we've become dependent on instantenous communication. With good reason though. Anything else is not instantaneous and requires a lot of effort to do. Gathering a group of my high school friends is nearly impossible nowadays without huge advance planning sessions.

Went to Townwest last Wednesday. I actually thought it was a dance before I realized after I got in, that it was a signing contest. Well, I don't mind singing contests, but I really thought it was a dance beforehand. I mean, I acutally wanted to go to this dance because hopefully, it had girls. Not that I can hit on them or anything. 1) I lack the skills. 2) I kinda refuse to let my female friend see me try at such a task. 3) I lack the confidence to do it.

Hmm. Now to relate my tale of woe and sadness to why I lack confidence towards girls. I've had this phobia for a long time. Perhaps I can even pinpoint it to the exact moment. I've always lack self-esteem in myself. In elementary school, I lack the whole fitting in thing because 1, my parents are not exactly the most educated in the world. Granted, they are smart, but educated is probably not the best. They were great parents probably because of that. They allowed me to experience almost anything and made me only answerable to myself. Besides the fact that I was very protected and closeted at home, I had the reign of the whole house. However, while I had all the freedom I want, I lacked the customs that were required of me in elementary school.

In elementary school, I was a genius. My mathematical skills killed people 3 grades above of me. Granted, I was still an unknown, and I lacked social grace, but I was a smart little boy and was therefore exempted from what society insisted of me. I was 'weird', but I was smart, which made it acceptable. My english was also very poor at the time. But from grade 1-3, I still fitted in quite well. My friends were everybody in the class and everybody respected my intellegence.

In grade 4 though, I got placed to the gifted program. I had the weird customs still, but I was no longer special in a class of 'gifted' children. Hence, I was the weird one out. I was still smart, but only smart, not genius, and thus I was kinda on the outs with most people. My atheletic abilities have never amounted to much, except short length sprinting, excellent for soccer defense, but beyond that...not much.

So throughout the rest of elementary school, I did not have many close friends. I had one best friend, Joe, who I still talk to reguarly. He quit the gifted program in grade 9 to attend the high school of his then girlfriend instead. But that's another story. Instead of close friends, or friends at all, I had peers and acquaintances. Oh yeah, in elementary school, we were still on the 'girls were yucky' stage. So, that adds a level of problems between my self-esteem and girls.

In Junior High, we were on the exploratory stage. The 'gifted' class was kinda like engineering in a way. Girls were the minority, and amounted to around 30-40% of the class. Likewise, guys were more close-knit than the girls in the class. The girls were just absorbed in the cliques that the guys had rather than forming their own. It may explain why I don't find engineering groups/cliques strange and why I'm more of a bridger than a clique regular (terms I use to describe clique groups. This will probably be explained later).

So from that point on, I'd almost be starting several spaces behind the other people. I think too much and thus that hinders my chances as well. Sometimes, I wonder what I'd be like in several years. All the thinking about love and stuff? I'd like for it to happen, but I can't see how it'd happen at the moment.

Now, I have no such trouble, but I still lack experience. Plus, according to my friends, I'm too picky. I don't know. There's always the thing about who I exactly want to meet. I always say that you never really want until you've lost it, but as a preliminary now, from extensive analysis and basically cross-referencing and simulations (mental ones. creating a person in your head is hard), I do believe know what type of girl I'd like to meet. Someone who's my complement. Complement how? Someone who's interested in stuff I'm knowledgable in and vice versa. For me, I'm knowledgable in stuff like gaming, electronics, etc etc. I'm interested in stuff like psychology and socialogy and philosophy. Maybe just meeting new people, etc. But you know what, for girls to get interested in gaming and anime,etc is nearly impossible =P. That's sorta why I think its impossible to meet this girl out there. Oh, and she has to be attractive to me. I've been told that I have a very weird taste in girls. Shrug. I don't know, I just prefer cute over hot. I don't see what the big deal on hot is.
Anyways, that's all for now. I suppose I can write more, but that's enough for today.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Slumbering Feelings

And so I have 2 company events to go to. One is a wineries tour of Niagara, and the other one is the annual company Christmas party. Both of them have the added line with either a) your significant other or close friend or b) a guest. Both of which imply a girlfriend of some kind.

Now, there are nobody that I would even consider bringing to such an event. For me, it would be taboo to bring "just a friend" to such an event. I wouldn't know what to do. My friends keep telling me just to bring someone, "just as a friend", but I doubt I can handle that. To me, these things are not what you would bring friends to. These are 'events' in my opinion. Rather than bringing anyone "just as a friend" I think it would just be better to go alone. Which is exactly what I plan to do. To go alone.

The courage to go alone and to come back alone. Maybe being comfortable with loneliness is real courage.

Nah...that's just an excuse. But the fact remains I can't bring a friend to gatherings like these. I just think too much. It is not possible.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

A lot like love.

I keep meaning to write in this blog, but I get distracted so easily, whether by games or movies or tv shows. WoW is certainly taking a chunk of my time, but I'm playing it in full force because it will be the first and last time I will play the game. This is because after this work term, I will no longer have the huge chunks of time required to devote myself to it. If you play it half-ass, it isn't worht playing.

So here I am, here to write again and express myself in a medium where stream of consciousness writing is not required, but efinately encouraged. Anyways, throughout the day, I kept on feeling tired. So, to counteract this, I've removed my computer monitor and keyboard and mouse from my deskt to next ot my bed (technically just a matress. students got to travel light) and right now I'm typing this post with my eyes closed lying on my bed. Ahh, those typing skills I got while playing so many MUDs kind of paid off.

So anyways, the title of this post. As you know from the previous post, I hardly feel anything about those two girls anymore. Here is my take on it. For me, the notion of love is difficult. Love is closely linked with trust. However, given my personality, I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt first. So how exactly do I find out if I like a person, or do I love a person? To me, who have rarely been able to confirm whether I feel one or the other, have developed a test to see if I like or love a girl.

It could be because of an infatuation that I'm attracted to a girl rather than actually caring for her for who she is. I may be building a fantasy in my mind and rather than actually looking at the real person behind the mask I have put on her, I am instead looking at her shadow or my interpretation of her rather than the real thing. So in order to test out if I really like a girl or am just infatuated with her, I check my feelings and go if I even think about her in a given day and if so, how many times. If that number is low, I bet it is just an example of infatuation.

Trying out that test, I realize that I have never truly liked a girl romantically in those criteria. Most of the time, I idolize a person and look at the image rather than the person. Heh, during a conversation (well msn anyways) she pointed this out to me. It was because I asked her to introduce me to some of her friends and somehow the converstaion degenerated into a point of why I would only want to meet hte pretty ones. She did verbally twist the words, but the intent was there. This is not true though. I really want to get to meet more people and their various viewpoints. I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt if they were pretty as well.

But you know what, these infatuations could just mean one thing: that I'm actually not in love with any person, but I'm in love with the idea of love. Heh, I guess I'm too much of a romantic at heart. This reminds me of a small story. Once, with a bunch of my engineering friends, we went out to eat and eventually settled down in a gelato store. While eating ice cream, the talk diverged from normal classroom stuff and went into a lament about the lack of girls in engineering. However, it must be noted that this discussion group had 3 girls and 7 guys in it. Eventually, we asked the girls about what each of our best traits were. For some, it was their cooking skills and for others, they said that he had no hope. When they turned to me, they said that I have "feelings". Haha. That is apparently my best trait. And they know this only because of the sappy music I listen to. But I can't help it, the slow ballads have just such interesting melodies that instill a sharp sense of nostalgia.

I'm falling asleep as I type this anyways. I wonder how good being in love with love is. Well, don't worry, I think that maybe my feelings will help me attract a gril and for once, I might actually like her in return.

Or maybe not, we shall see in the future. For nobody knows what the future holds, although we can pretty much guess.

Sweet dreams my dear Valkyrie.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

And then there was...hey it's still there!

Sometimes you realize that you were not the same person you were a year ago. A year ago you were still pretty introverted and refusing to talk to people that you did not know. You were intimidated by new people, especially good looking girls. The awkwardness showed and no matter how rational the argument was, like you'll never see them again, didn't seem to work. After being afraid for so long, it is a wonder that you haven't snapped yet from the fear.

Then you realize something: They're more scared of you then you are of them.

I've always been a bit of an enigma. Extremely "nerdish" and yet competative as hell. I swear a lot (which is a habit I should try to kick). I drink (not to excess but at least I drink, mostly dark stuff. Bitterness is good). I would try to go out to most things I've been invited to.

People have 3 modes. They're either like, hate, or are apathetic about you. Most of the time, people are apathetic about you regardless of what you do because you only meet them once and that's it. You can do all sorts of crazy shit and they really can't call you out on it.

And with that attitude, I realize that I can now begin to talk to random people with almost no problem. After all, there's a very good chance I'll never meet them again. And besides, most people won't be scared of just a simple conversation. The hard part is to steer conversation to the topics you want to talk about though.

With that attitude, I realize a lot of things after talking to people. 1) People are idiots. It's true. Regardless of how smart you are in one subject, they're absolute idiots in others. I am knowledgable in many subjects, but get me on the topic of popular music, fashion or sports, and I'm relatively clueless. Talk about computer hardware, and I'm suddenly a guru. But what this means is that you can ask a relatively large amount of insightful questions before being termed an idiot. With this attitude, it means that a person can still not look like a fool even if they don't know the subject. Actually, it's probably expected that you don't know about every subject and it provides a point of conversation.

As well, I'm no longer really intimidated by pretty specimens of the opposite gender of the same species. This is probably because I also realized from the previous point that they're just people after all. They're idiots as well. All you have to do is realize that no matter what, girls are people too and you can treat them like people. Heh. It may sound stupid to you, readers, but to me this is a revelation. I don't know why I was even scared of them in the beginning. I have all sorts of theories, but I can't concretely prove it one way or another.


Went to laserquest on Friday with Flora. It was a sort of AHS gettogether event. Seven bucks for 2 games was a very good deal. On the way there, I got introduce to a few of her friends. Damn, if I knew there was this many girls in AHS, I might have taken it regardless of the fact that I hate kin. But most of the really good looking ones were actually girlfriends of people from AHS. Damn fine. Anyways, it was fun. Didn't come first. Was in the middle of the pack for the two games. Then went out to eat with Flora. She was telling me about what people were saying about the Halloween party at Kent's and how everyone was surprised that I would be talking to the two girls (the ones that Kent invited. Read previous posts). I don't know why people would be surprised until I really look at myself a year ago. I guess this revelation happened sometime like 2 terms ago.

So in the end, what the hell's wrong then? The fact is that although I can talk to them, I still feel that I am still a bit too immature for any relationships. Perhaps I'm being a bit too cautious, but I don't feel like I'm ready. In order to have a relationship, a person has to learn to trust and I have long since been past trusting anyone that I haven't known for a long time. This then evolves into the chicken and the egg dilenma.

Today, when Flora, Mei, Jason and I went out for wings today, we were discussing my current problem. You see, my company has an annual Christmas party and it is for myself and a guest. Should I invite anyone? I don't have anyone I really trust to invite. Nor do I really want to go alone and look like a 'loser'. Mei suggested girl A, who I knew relatively well as a friend, but I can see us no more beyond that. I had actually thought of girl B, but I didn't know her as well, and although I'd like to, I have to admit I was still a bit intimidated.

I had, for the past month, come from serious introspection that I don't really want a relationship right now, just to be 'cautious'. It is hard, especially for a person that has never 'failed' at anything before to just jump in. This I guess, is from the thinking that would I really want a relationship with this girl for athe long term? The answer is that I have no one in mind that I have such a trustworthy connection with at the moment. Heh, it kind of sounds like I'd like to be friends first before becoming a couple, yet I see no friends that I can see this really happening with. With girl A, there is nothing to talk about but academics between us. With girl B, there is more to talk about, but she is more heavily guarded emotionally and the fact that I don't know how to 'impress' her doesn't help. For a guy, I like to have plans, no matter how inadequate they are. And yet, no plan of mine can work because of my overthinking and cautious nature.

Jason, on the way home, even asked me why not girl A or girl B. For the reasons listed above, I an't see myself having such a great connection with A, and with B, I'm either getting mixed signals or I don't know how to interpret them. I'd like to see her a few more times to make sure, but that's rare enough as it is. At home, Edwin even messaged me with the message "try to flirt with everyone then u can get a date". I'm not that desperate Edwin. And besides, there is meaning to asking a girl to a Christmas party. It is hard to "just" ask a friend to go when the boundaries of friendship and something more is not clearly defined. Which is the case with these 2 girls. I guess it's not the rejection that I may receive but rather the ambiguity in the relationship I have with them.

And so here we are, in the realm of friendship. And guess what? That tiny sense of insecurity and hopelessness is still there. Albeit very small, but in this cold winter and the onset of darkness, the despair magnifies and its prescence can be felt. But it is still kept back by the fact that all people are idiots. Now if I can only convince my mind of that, I'd be set.
P.S. Matt, I have no idea what screwed up. Sometimes, I just can't think of anything to write. That, or its too late at night when I do think of it.

Everyone, some new blog links are up. Blog of friends. Explore! =)

Monday, October 31, 2005

Something I found

Do we give up principles for love? or love for principles?
What exactly is the reason why we care so much about people?
Is there point to existence?
Is it better to give up on true love or to hopelessly persue it even if it would never happen?
Why are these questions unanswerable?

All these questions are from when i was 16. 5 Years later...they're still so mysterious and unsolvable. When will we ever understand?

Perhaps never.

Another Story

Well, since I haven't been posting for a while and the fact that I've neglected to post so much means that I should really keep up and write everything I want to write now. After all, who knows when the next time the WoW server crash will be?

So to continue from joined discontinuities, the Internet is really a place that is easy to interact with, but empty without the effort of human communication. It is not a place where people talk. It is a place where people lie, bullshit, brag, annoy, ..., express themselves in a way that they would not do in real life.

This was the 12th year of my highschool year. I guess it was the hormones talking, but I desperately wanted female companionship. After what I guess, would be called a unrequited infatuation, a "pining" if you will, I knew I basically had no chance at all. No matter what anyone says, better to live than to regret sounds easy in principle, but much harder to apply in real life. If nothing else, the gifted program has taught me to be afraid of failure. Almost like a phobia. Thus, for me to do anything that is permenant and may affect my future was nigh impossible.

By coincidence, I forget how (and the logs are buried in the midst of my old computer after a reformat), I was in a IRC channel talking about manga. At that time, I was still free enough to do stuff like just idle around and talk while playing a mud. I somehow was talking about an incident at school and somehow someone was commenting and asking about several points in my story. The person made some interesting points and I asked if the person knew the person I was talking about, which was James, a fairly well known figure in our school. So after that we started talking about James, which led us to just generally converse. She was a girl named Amy and went to a different school, but knew James through her Chinese school.

After a while, we started to talk to each other more frequently. Of course, it wasn't very personal. After all, they've always told us to try to be safe and anonymous on the Internet. So all we talked about was inane stuff that didn't really matter.

James somehow found out about it and thus people knew about it. But seriously, it never went beyond just talking, yet people referred to her as my internet girlfriend. I mean wtf? It was just talking. I've never even met the girl. So one day, we decided to meet, but being the young and stupid people we are, we involve other people. So I was at Pacific Mall kareoking with my friends while she was there to shop and have tea? (don't know for sure). And somehow James was part of our group at that time and was there too. So when he came in, he said "Kevin, Amy's out there." Since I was wondering where she was (since I've never met her), I rushed out, being the stupid idiot that I am. When I saw her, she was sitting with two of her other friends. I introduced myself, but then, because I guess of my inept social skills at that time, didn't have much to say to them but hi and bye. Must have looked like a freak.

Anyways. After that, we rarely talked again and now I've lost all contact with her after entering university.

Sigh. But was there anything to regret? I mean, nothing happend. I just lost a potential friend, that's all. Maybe a potential girlfriend, but that's getting ahead of ourselves. The only thing that was connecting us was our discussions on the Internet. But the Internet is not real life and never will be. It is good as a extension of communication, but if people don't see each other in real life, there will be no future, as friends or otherwise.

At least I guess, since people care for you so little on the Internet, at least most people out there won't give a rat's ass about you and hate you.

Still a damn kid at heart

I remember when I was a kid and envisioned what my life would be like at 21 years old. I could imagine the friends I'd make and the adventures I'll have once I was well established at university. Now, these adventures were never really well defined nor were they realistic, but they were something to look forward to.

And now at 21 years old. I find those images and dreams fleeting. They were remnants of an image of 'what could have been'. A life that would be, from a perspective from the here and now, that seems to be better.

But you know what? Just because it seems better does not mean that it is. You really don't know what you want in life until you've either achieved it or have lost it. To achieve something, you might cast it away. To lose something, you might regret it for the rest of your life. True, to love and lost is better than regret, but are we sure we want to love?

The fundamental question is this. What the hell does anybody actually want? Comfort? Love? Acceptance? Challenges? Achievements? It is hard to say really what anybody wants. That's because we really have no clue what we want.

In the end, all we've got are these foolish expectations and fanciful dreams. Yet we regret so many things that I'm surprised we aren't drowning from sorrow and guilt. Sometimes however, I can see why that sense of nostalgia grips me and why I yearn for those days when I could only dream of the future.

Within you, I lose myself. Without you, I find myself, wanting to be lost again.

I guess I'm still that ignorant little boy at heart.

Sorry...its been two weeks

Well, time flows really quickly hasn't it. For now, I haven't done anything besides working, eating and then gaming WoW. It's pretty much taken all of my time trying to finish it. Finally, I can start playing with Jack and Alan since I've reached level 59. Maybe I'll slow down my playing soon. But I did say that I'll play this term and this term only and no more. So it is said, so it will stay.

As for new developments, my life is pretty damn boring. Let's see....there was those two dinners on fridays with Ammon, Alan and I going to a chinese restaurant and there's that thai/viet place. There's also the looking over resumes over next term hires. That was pretty cool. There was also MOT and the Halloween party that was pretty interesting. Well, not really, but it was good to be part of people again. Rather than just sitting at home. I guess.

Well more on those events later. It's 2am and I should be going to sleep. Well 2am if daylight savings time didn't occur.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Joined discontinuities

Life is basically just a collection of events...real OR imagined. It is a bunch of memories that you sometimes desperately wish was still the present. That way, you may enjoy it again and again, rather than knowing either the regret that you did not do something the way you wanted it to be done, or the regret that the moment had to end.

The Internet is a place teeming with individual personalities trying to express themselves in a very easy to approach, but ultimately thankless, medium. It is a medium in which people themselves are silenced by the overwhelming opinions of other people. Yet in the midst of this chaos, people still believe that they can find their life partners using this medium. With dating services and matchmaking sites, people filter out applicants based on what they describe as their personality and interests.

Yet, most people don't even know what they want in life. Most of those that claim to know are lying. They just don't know it yet. Because people don't really truly know what they want until they have it. And most likely, won't appreciate what they have until its taken away.

Anyways, in the midst of this Internet, people still look for other people that they seem to be compatible with. Yet, a relationship based on the Internet is not as concrete as one that is based on "Real Life". Still, in this crowded, lonely world, people take what comfort they can in just knowing another person.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


Screwed for Housing. Just me alone because everyone else seems to already have a group already.

Let's hope my luck holds and I'll apply by myself. May luck shine upon forgotton skies.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Thoughtful Thanksgiving

Well, this weekend, I went back home with the goal of rest. I did achieve that pretty well. Slept 10 hours each day. Since I had no access to a computer, a lot of my time was spent just sitting, resting, sleeping and just thinking. It was rare for me to think so much. It is almost certain that my lack of ambition and forward momentum has been stopped by the computer. It is easier escape than many things. It is hard to stop. But I know it must be stopped sometime.

Anyways, the reunion/turkey party at Kent's was really fun. Just talking with old friends was a great thing. However, just because there were two other new people that Kent invited was interesting. The fact that it was not just us kept it less boring than some other times. It's because our group has become stagnant without constant addition of people and lack of interaction normally.

It did help that the two additions were girls. One was Kent's friend from York who was also his dance partner, Caroline. The other was the Caroline's friend, Mikah (I think that's how you spell it). Mainly I talked to Caroline out of the new people.

Okay, in order to continue, I must explain how I view the world for our age group. Our age group has a certain pecking order or personality based on the people within the groups. Some groups are very 'lawful' or elitist, while other tend to go towards either the conflict culture (popular culture + fighting) or retreatist culture (alternative + drugs). Most of the normal world view the elitist group as the normal population while looking at the conflict culture as jocks and the retreatist culture as losers/druggies/addicts. I am not a supporter of any of these groups because for a person to be locked down to a group, it means the person becomes stagnant. However, I have always been shuffled into the elitist group mainly because I'm a) scared and b) lazy/tired of change. I can only handle so much. Instead, I'd rather act as a bridge between groups, although that's difficult and requires a lot of resources.

That's why I admire people that can become bridges. Kent, for example, is a bridge from the elitist group to the conflict culture. Socially, he is doing much better than most of us. Likewise with Richmond. I however, have become stagnant. I do believe I've become better at normal conversation though, mainly because I realize that most people don't listen anyways. So talking for the purpose of sound is perfectly acceptable.

Anyways, I was talking to Caroline, a bridge between all three. It seems that her group of friends encompasses every group that I have defined above. Mikah, however, I did not find much to talk about mainly because a) I really didn't make an effort b)she did not represent a bridge, but just a part of the retreatist culture. At least Caroline made an effort to keep the conversation going.

Thinking about all of this, hopefully I have grown in some small way.

Friday, October 07, 2005

The days of emptiness begin again.

It's kind of interesting, to see what drives some to really contemplate what life really is. For some, it is a life changing decision. For others it is just a small thing that seems like nothing else in the routine. But at least in one day in life, there comes a time when a person really asks himself the value of living in this world.

Ever heard of Densha Otoko? It's a relatively new Japanese drama series based off a modern fairy tale. A untypical modern fairy tale that's based off of a true love story about an internet forum, an akihabara otaku and a professional woman. It's interesting, and hilarious at times with the juxtaposition of some of its shots. At times, its heart-warmingly pathetic, but this one so far looks like a winner.

Go, try to get it now! What have you got to lose?

On the topic of fairy tales and stories. The reasons we like them to be exaggerated so much is that we want them to be out of the ordinary, something outside our experience of our lives, but still firmly rooted in reality so that we can relate to it.

As a result, this series will probably be enjoyed more by the people that understand either how the internet forums work and/or know the basic premise of they story.

I should write more, but too busy watching it.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The thought of privacy

Sometimes I feel that maybe this blog isn't such a great idea. I mean, there are I guess, personal feelings and ideas involved. I guess the wrong people reading it at the wrong time would probably screw me over.

But then again, it is my personal feelings and my personal ideas. Posting them is a sort of release that I don't get otherwise. I'd probably explode from pent-up frustrations. I won't EVER expose my friend's secrets. But mine, mine are mine to throw away.

In essence, I feel that this blog is pretty good in terms of releasing my feelings in a non-destructive way. As many of those who know me, I am a very very frustrated person at times.

And besides, times are changing. Privacy is becoming a thing of the past. Maybe we should prepare for it.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

For sense of security

A friend of mine just recently commented on this blog. That I sound way too preoccupied with worrying about others than myself. True, I value the opinions of others immensely, but only if I feel like it. He is right in a sense. I look at myself and analyze too closely when it comes to issues regarding the opposite sex. This may be a sign to stop.

I'll comment on State and Church some other time.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

The lack of continuity

What can I say? I become lazy after awhile.

Well, that's not exactly true. It's just that I keep forgettting what I mean to say. Ideas float in and out. It's very annoying when you have something very profound, and it just slips through your fingers.

A lot of things slips through my fingers. Such as what love and life is.

You know what, I recently had a really interesting discussion with a friend I haven't talked to for a while. It was interesting to have a sounding board for my analysis of myself. What she made me realize was that throughout my whole life, there had only really been 2 girls that I have ever been attracted to. Partly because of of physical appearances, but also of having a certain quality that can not be really explained. Nevertheless, this quality almost seems to make them appear to be a part of the elusive dream girl, that perfect person that exist, so far, only in my dreams.

Then I realize that could be because I've created a person in my mind to reflect that elusive quality. While they may be a part of that elusive dream girl, they are not her. They should not be images built by my own head and projected upon them. That's stupid. Building people up in the head only invite heartbreak and disappointment. They are not your dream gril. They may emcompass quality and qualities, but they are not her.

Which brings to the next question. Should I wait? Is there such a person? Does this person exist for me? And how do I know its her? Or does a person only exist for a moment in time, and that person does not really exist at all? Maybe there are multiples of such people, but not exactly perfect. In that case, how can you tell?

Maybe love is just the act of compromising and finding someone that would put up with your bs long enough so that you are not angry anymore. Maybe someone that treats you as a person rather than just another human on this lonely planet.

Oh well. I know I screwed up the chance with number 1. And I don't think I'd pressure number 2. What would be, would be. But is this sort of fatalistic attitude that has kept me single for so long? Sometimes I wonder if this makes me desperate...or worse, look desperate.

Am I desperate? I'd like to say no, but it is hard to tell. Will I go with just anyone? Perhaps not. There are certain aspects that must be adhered to. Standards if you will, or maybe guidelines? I don't know, I'm new to this sort of thing.

I have no clue where I'm going with all of this. However, if at any point I'd have to compromise with myself to get the girl, I'd have to say no. Unless of course, it is a really stupid reason and the relationship has gone on long enough.

Maybe I'd die an lonely old man. Sigh

Friday, September 30, 2005

What to do?


Did you know that doom was the old english word for destiny? It refered to the fate that we all share, which is death. That's how it used to be. People were preoccupied with death.

I don't know why, but I come up with these really good topics either at work, or just before I go to sleep, but I can never remember it when I try to write. It's like a curse. Sigh. I can't stun you with my brilliance today, so instead I wish a good night to all, and to you a good night.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

My sense of time

Does it ever seem that your life just flows away when you're least expecting it? I just spent the last 4 hours awake. And its now 6 am. SEriously, my sleeping schedule is so messed up its hard to do anything interesting or concrete.

I guess this short post will be all for today. I'm not in the mood to write.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Don't Stop Believin'

Just discovered light jazz by Journey. If you haven't heard of it, I wouldn't be surprised since it is quite old. However, I find it soothing and relaxing. Don't Stop Believin' is one of the songs I'm listening to quite a few times because it has a nice melody and cute lyrics. Hopefully this will last me awhile. I normally can't listen to the same song after I get used to it. I haven't listen to many of my Japanese songs or my other English songs either. I seem to grow bored of it.

Why do I like this song so much? It suggests just the title: Don't Stop Believin'. As we grow up, it's not surprising that we lose our dreams. It's almost impossible to keep all of your dreams as you grow up. Reality slaps you in the face: hard. All you can do is grin and bear it.

Seriously, I was wondering what my life would be like up to this point. Do I like the result? I can't possibly just say "yes", because I do not. Is it anything like I imagine? No, I can not say I imagined anything like this. Like I've said so many times before, I don't think I grew at all after entering university. It's like my time has stopped for three years already. It has not progressed.

Likewise, my relationships with other people have not changed. It has not changed for better or for worse. I have the same type of friends I had in high school. I have not explored anything new that I like or enjoy to the point that I would devote myself to it. I wonder what that means. Does it mean that I need to learn to focus? Should I waste more time to explore options?

Heh. A girlfriend? Don't make me laugh. Hahaha. I still remember the fact that my parents keep asking me if I had a girlfriend yet. A girlfriend? Personally, I don't think I have the personal responsibility and maturity to maintain such a relationship...not at the university level anyways. Hahaha. Kinda making it sound like a skill or some type of experience. It is what it is, an experience. I've never had that type of communion or relationship in high school, so I must ask how will I delve into this relationship business? I don't think I can do it easily.

Let's relate the whole story of Sharalyn. I guess laughing is a defense mechanism for me. Sharalyn was a girl I befriended during monte carlo night. We began to talk and I even introduced her to some of my friends (althought they were there that night too, so I don't think I did much on that part). We hung out together quite a bit. However, as time went on, I began to delve into myself and lock myself in my dorm room. I don't know what to say to her since we hardly had anything in common. At one point, Avery, Mei, Sharalyn, I and some other people went out...for what I don't remember. At this time, she asked me if I wanted to go to dancing lessons with her. I was so scared that I just outright refused. I said I was busy or some other lame excuse. I had so little experience with people that I could not have possibly have said yes. Avery called me an idiot that day. I probably wouldn't have disagreed. After that point on, we talked less and less. She was rooming with some of my friends a couple of terms ago, and I heard she got a boyfriend, but that was the last time I've heard of her.

Personally, I don't know what I'll do. I am interested shallowly in a whole variety of topics, but nothing really deeply except possibly gaming. Even I find talking about games to be useless. It's a fun time wasting activity, but you gain nothing from it. Nevertheless, I find myself in front of the computer more often than not. I must say it is certainly easier to just stare at the front of a monitor than talk to people. After all, the screen is a buffer from real human interaction. I don't know what to do though, with a girl. I'm too scared of rejection to actually take risks. Perhaps that's what makes myself pitiful in my eyes. I mean, its damn difficult to take cues from girls. And its hard to actually make them interested. "Hitch" made it look easy. Real life is not like Hitch. There's a whole world out there that defies any simple explanation. For every question out there, there's one answer that's neat, simple, and wrong.

Oh, did I tell you the most distressing part? I have no clue about physical touching. What's appropiate, what's not? And that I have read (yes, read. Psychology is a very very interesting field. If I wasn't in Engineering, I probably would have went into psych) that the sense of touch is perhaps the most memorable sense, next to pheromones. I'm even scared of touching other people to the point I can not honest give someone a hug except my own family. Heh, I remember one time in grade 11 (or was it 12) that I told a female friend that "I needed my personal space" when I believe, she wanted to give me a hug. In retrospect, it was hilarious and remains a inside joke between us.

Hopefully, writing this will be a catalyst for me to face my fears and get on with my life. If nothing else, this certainly help me write and relieve some of my burdens.

There's a lot more to write. Let's see: my shallowness at the physical appearance of a girl( however, this may be because I've never met a girl I was intellectually attracted to), my appalling lack of fashion sense, the belief of the soulmate/dream girl, my inane attitude that forces me to argue that I'm always right (I can see this one causing problems =P), my "feelings" and sentimentality, my status as a romantic, my over the top exaggerations, my apathy towards certain aspects of life, my disorderliness, my "morbid" sense of humor, and I think that's it...maybe there's more, but I can't think of it right now. Any girl out there want a "work in progress" or a fixer-upper, just contact me. The rest of those traits are stories for another day though.

Till next time, my darling Valkyrie.

Monday, September 26, 2005


Well, I slept at 10 o'clock or so yesterday. Woke up at 7:45. That's nearly 10 hours of sleep. Yet I still feel so very very tired. Why is that?

Sunday, September 25, 2005

An observation

I was reading a story the other day, between playing WoW and chatting. It's a very good story, somewhat like 48 chapters. It was a sequel of another story, which I also enjoyed. I could not sleep without finishing it. Anyways, this story brings into mind about what it is about engineers that turns girls off: the lack of status.

Look at it this way. An engineer by himself is useless. He is a part of a giant machine that does incredible things, but by himself, he is useless. This too can be said about many other people. Scientists, marketing, you name it. However, most other people are not defined by the work they do. Engineers however, have an over-sensitive pride that puts them into that position of boasting of being a part of the giant cog in the machine. Females do not find this attractive. Instead, it turns them off because it relates the engineer into a position of being the submissive and not the dominant.

Of course, this is pure conjecture, because I can not experimentally verify this observation. However, people can send their opinions to me.

Likewise, notice how girls love to hang around rock stars? They are icons, images of status shining bright. Yet, likewise, the band geek suffers. They play the same music. If not the band geek, then the chorus boy. These unfair labels are applied quite readily. The main seperation is that the latter people are defined as labels that places them as part of a group, as a submissive, rather than a dominant like the rock star.

What does this have to do with anything? Nothing really. But after playing the whole day away and reading interesting stories, you got to have something to show for it.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Singing in the Rain

Well, nothing much happened today. It was raining when I got off work. And as usual, I don't pack my rain gear because it is too much to carry. Instead, I decided not to go straight home and go to sobey's to pick up a chicken. That way I didn't need to go home hungry. So anyways, I go and it started raining harder. As I rode around the streets heading back home, I realized something. Too many people try to fight nature and don't realize it. So what if I'm a little dirty. Nothing a little shower won't fix. And people are so deathly scared of the rain that they run into their cars and hide and sit there. Sigh.

On the other front, I wonder if I'm doing stuff right or wrong. Sometimes I wish there was an emotion detector or something to ensure that what I'm doing actually make sense. Probably not a good thing, because then I'll probably realize what weird people girls are.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

A cool play

Well, I guess its official, its a total switch to this blogspot. Mainly because I support google? Or maybe I just need a fresh start. Let see, if nothing else, I can post stuff that I'll never think of in the other one, mainly because the other one is so based on abstract ideas.

Yesterday, I was called at the last minute to go to a play with Brooke. Turns out it was a chinese play about some kind of Idol show and the backstabbing that goes on. Most of the play was enjoyable. However, a lot of the time I was kinda distracted since it was Brooke that asked me to go at the last second. This is curious as I don't talk to her much. I'm probably going to ask her to the movies since I got in to the play on her tickets.

Anyways, I actually enjoyed the play. It was well done, although the ending was kinda abrupt and contrite. I could see why they can't really extend it without making it look like crap, but it is an abrupt ending. I noticed that Brooke didn't seem to enjoy it too much, as she was there only for her friend who was playing a lead role, but she said she was tired the whole time she was there. Oh well. After that, she drove me straight home (woohoo, I know someone that has access to a car). Then I went back to playing WoW and WC3. All in all, it was fun times.

I did see Mei and Yuting there. They didn't notice me. I also saw Christie because she won a gift certificate. Jason was there too, with Clarence and his roommates. Mei told me about Jason though, I couldn't see him at all. Mei and Yuting both commented about my new parting style with my hair. I thought it looked alright, but they said they almost didn't recognize me with the new hair. Mei later told me it looked decent, which makes it all alright.

Been playing WoW incessently for the last little while (since Internet came). Level 24 already. Still pretty fun, althought it has become nothing more than a drive to level 60. I still got to subscribe too. Gotta remember that.

Anyways, this is a good start to a blog. Till next time, my Valkyrie.

Sunday, August 07, 2005


Well, I guess this will the start of my public blog. This will post things of my daily life and what not.

I think this would be good practice for writing. Especially monologues.

My other blog shall talk about pansy ass stuff like feelings, so that's probably not as interesting.