Finished

After spending more than 15 hours on the project, the barebones first project for 457 is finished. To reward myself, I'm going to play some WC3 and eat this nice steak.
Doesn't that look good? Its a beef mushroom sauce on top of a T-bone steak cooked to medium rare. Too bad I don't have any vegetables left. After that, its a dessert of strawberry with sugar and a drink of a glass of iced cappacino.

Not bad, if I say so myself.

5:00 Wakeup

For some reason, I woke up at 5:00 today. Since I couldn't sleep again, I decided to go grovery shopping. Interestingly, I took a 2 hour grocery trip which I bought stuff I needed for a mushroom sauce for my steak tonight. I also bought Rice Dream to try, after reading about that stuff in "Yakitate Japan!". It's not bad and it reminds me of soy milk, even though its made of rice only.

As well, when I came back, I found a long rose. Took it with me, and now its sitting in a cup of water over my 2 monitors. I think it looks nice. After reading yesterday's story, I'm in a very nostalgic, tender mood. And I got rest and sleep. Going to eat these honey garlic chicken wings now. It looks to be a good day today.

Thank you.

Grumpiness

I think I've become more angry, cranky and mean over the course of university. While many can attribute this to the stress of university life, I think its because of the sleep I regularly miss. Like yesterday, I was working on AI and part of the project works at around 4am. After that, I tried to sleep. But I laid there for around 2 hours, I got up again and looked at some stuff for our FYDP. Now, it was like 6 am and I was reading about what I needed for the meeting we had. Just reading it made me sleepy, but I couldn't really sleep. Laid for another hour. Then watched ghostbusters. 10 oclock already. Then I could finally fall asleep. But had to wake up to go to the noon meeting. This insomnia is not good.

Right now, I'm surviving on 2 hours of sleep. I hope that I'll sleep soon today. Tomorrow is grad photos and other stuff. Then work on AI project. This is not fun.

Of course, I waste too much time on computer games. Sigh.
===============================================================
And now one of the boards for our FYDP doesn't work. We're screwed. Sigh. The story of my life. During the meeting today, the girls commented on my grumpiness and said that I need to get laid. Pfft. I don't need to get laid. I need to either change my perspective again or get some sleep. As it stands, I think I'm getting way too emo for my own good. Or I'm thinking too hard using a flawed/tired brain. Oh well. I'm getting kind of sleepy now. That's good.

What else do I have to say? Hopefully I get more interviews. Hopefully I'll have something go my way. Of course, it would be better if I know what my way was. Reading my weird is hard it seems.

Till I see you in my dreams, keep safe, my Valkyrie.

Devil's Advocate

Heh, I just remembered what I used to be known as.

The Devil's Advocate. Always arguing for the underdog.

Rebel without a cause indeed.

Or maybe I just like conflict. I really don't know.

Insomnia

I can't sleep.

I've been laying on my bed for 30 minutes, and I've just been staring at the darkened ceiling. It's now 4am if anyone's interested.

I don't know what to do. There are times when I want to work, but I am faced with so much uncertainty on how to start that I can never seem to get started. That I guess is my biggest hurdle. That and the motivation and passion needed to carry through a project.

Passion. I was at this Qualcomm presentation the other day. Everybody there, besides a few people like me, were there because they have interviews with Qualcomm the very next day. I, on the other hand, was just curious what they did. While the name Qualcomm instantly came to mind as an leading high tech company, I had no clue on what they did.

And I was told what they did. Turns out its basically a glorified mobile chipset company as well as a leader in getting wireless stuff to work. And there, they said they were looking for passionate people. It didn't matter to them what you were passionate to, as long as you were passionate about something, like electronics, or even something personal, like your girlfriend (or significant other, to be PC. I think I've been reading way too many webcomics with lesbians in it. And that's a good point, why are there so many webcomics with lesbians in it, even the ones with very good and complete storylines. One wonders.).

But I wonder. I mean, while you might be passionate in the beginning, people are fickle masters of their attention spans. Things tend to grow old and uninteresting until that passion fades. And another thing, in this world that we live in, how many people are truly passionate to what they do, which is possibly the most important thing that employers want to know about (I mean, what does being passionate to your girlfriend mean besides finding her incredibly attractive. I don't think that passion would be of much use in the workplace). How many people get jobs that they know they won't hate that would pay well enough for their lifestyle? Many people cut corners to get jobs that would satisfy both their work and personal lives. And most people that do end up with their dream jobs usually find problems with it after a while.

The movie Serendipity had a part where the protaganist's best friend wrote an obiturary for his best friend (morbid, heh). In it, he described what passion that the protaganist have in all his endeavors, whether it was in his writing (his job), his wife (his personal life) or his hobbies (his lifestyles). Passion is clearly a very important part of our livestyle, and yet, why are people so disappointing? More often then not, their passion are shams, something to hide behind. Most people's passion crumble after they are criticized for it. People that dreamed of being astronauts claim that they were childish dreams after they grow older. People that once wanted to be policemen to save innocent people now criticize and distrust the very order that they once wanted to belong to. People that wanted to be doctors now sue those that tried to save their lives to the best of their ability. People don't have passion nowadays; they're just very good at faking it.

I don't know what people want. I don't know what I want (after all, I am part of people, plural). Heh, maybe I am a tad depressing (a tad? maybe more then). But there are classifications of people:

Happy and always nice (no insults/swearing) - The nice one. After a while, you forget they're there. You treat these people like dirt and more like a tool.

Happy and sometimes insulting - Playful. They're always fun to be around. However, the happy part, more often than not, indicates trying to supress emotions, and that's never healthy.

Sad and always nice - A pushover. Hopefully friends would be able to cheer them up.

Sad and sometimes insulting - Rebel. More often than not, they're trying to draw attention by insulting people and not getting it. As well, sometimes, they see the world as what it is, which makes them slightly insane. This also makes them look intelligent by comparison and thus, complex. (I fit in this category. A rebel without a cause. How sad.)

Always insulting - Asshole.

Well, I do think too much about these things. How people think and all. Why do I fit in the rebel category? Because all the other positions are boring. I wouldn't want to be a pushover, asshole or a tool. Playful is nice, but supressing emotions and the like has never been my style. I lack discipline. I think my biggest problem is competance and the lack of it. My biggest pet peeve are people that claim competence in an area where they do not have said competence. I think that's my problem. Because the world is filled with them. While not all the people, they are the vast majority. Sometimes I want to scream "Stop the world, I want to get off!". But then I remember that there are so many things I haven't tried yet, and how much more life is "supposed" to offer me, and then I calm down a bit. Seriously, I think good food is one of the only reasons I'm still sane.

I should actually try to go to sleep again. I have an interview with Pitney Bowes tomorrow and I wouldn't want to pass out during the interview.

Wasting Time

not very motivated. Very interesting dreams lately.

And did I tell you I finish catching up on a lot of webcomics. At least 5 new ones, 2 of which I consider outstanding. More later. I should probably sleep now.

Grumpy

Apparently, if I am expressionless, people just assume I'm grumpy. If I am expressionless, it usually means that I'm not thinking about anything important. Besides, I'm not grumpy. I'm whiny.

Anyways, along with the no goal in life and not growing bit, I think I know what I have a problem with. Our lives are too easy. For us, the supposedly blessed people (the middle class and up), we really have no reason to fear for our living. Our needs are easily met, if not by us, then by the government. Food, water, shelter, safety. It is only our wants that guide us. And I'm getting tired of that.

Today, we went to Caeser's. For me, I really don't see the point. I don't like the dancing. It's too loud to talk. It's not my kind of place to have fun. For me, fun would be some kind of competative sport or something. For others, a lounge like this may seem attractive. After all, it is a place to get drunk (stop thinking), dancing (stop inhibitions), and loud music (stop thinking). The dance floor especially, reminds me of a tribal dance, where mob mentality rules. For me, none of this was attractive. For others, it is extremely attractive. For girls, it is a place to let loose, where for most guys, it is a place to get close to the loose girls.

In the line, Ray, Lan's friend who I think I have met some time before but have forgotten him, asked a question that was interesting. We were talking about how girls would fool around with each other to keep distracted while waiting in line. Ray asked Darren and I if we had any funny stories or something. I couldn't think of one at all that didn't really make me look bad, nor were they really funny either. Darren thinks that's because of our lack of social experience. I personally think its because of the people we hang out with. Most of my friends are usually not very adventurous, which is kind of like me and unlike me at the same time.

I think I would love to be an explorer, except I wouldn't like some aspects of it, such as the extreme danger of death. Other than that, I would love the challenge, the discovery of new knowledge, the application of knowledge. And there would be a purpose to it, because your purpose would be to survive. Our purpose is not to survive in this world. I have no clue what it is, but if your goal is just to survive, it would be an easy goal indeed. For most people.

But I guess we seek what we do not have. Just like that fact that I wanted a girlfriend. It's like I want one mainly because I didn't have one (I think I figured this out like a month ago). Now that I figured that out, I don't think I'll want a girlfriend just because I want one, it would be because I really like her for herself. Heh. She'll have to have the ability to make me want to be at a club/lounge just because she is there. So far, no one I know fits that description.

Another thing, I think I'm trying too hard on trying to know a little bit in each category. Could be because I have to look competent in everything I do. At least to people that I know, which is why I do not connect with certain people. If they align/belong to a group with something I'm not comfortable with or incompetent with (like clubbing, a lot of popular culture, watching sports), I am usually not that comfortable with them. I guess this should change, but I think that's just who I am.

There were more thoughts, but I forgot most of them. So now I'll end this for now. Until we meet again, my Valkyrie.

what to do?

I don't know what I should do.

Games are only distractions. Learning is only fun if you can apply it well. Work is usually boring. Achievement only lasts for a short while. What the hell am I still doing here?

When Rich asks me what I'm doing or what's up, it's sad that usually within the 3 months it takes for us to talk to each other on msn, that there has been no new developments in my life. I do not seem to think that I am growing in any discernable way.

I am at a point in my life where gains are no longer easy to achieve and that everything has to be fought tooth and nail. I can't find anything I really enjoy that's also useful to either myself or society. Just randomly trying new stuff is more often then not a waste of time. I think I need a direction. Sigh, maybe I have to read my weird more carefully I guess.
==================================================================
Oh, and Rich asks me "where are the hotties". I don't know Rich. I just don't know.

I know its been long

Yes, it has been a long time. Not much has happened. School started again. Time grows shorter, or I spent too much time playing games, like DOTA. Then there's the fourth year design project. I wonder what the hell I'm doing in life most of the time. Then spend some time, eating, sleeping. I've been attending classes for a change, but I find it doesn't help me learn still. Nothing I do seems to turn into gold. Maybe silver at best. I'm hyped up on caffiene right now. I learned that caffiene and me don't mix very well. I get coughs and hyper. Sigh.

Anyways. I'm going to go to soccer in an hour. I know...sports! Scary. Attending class and sports, I wonder what's next. Nah, the world isn't that kind to me.

Oh, there's also a lot of ranting and dreams I have to write down, but I havne't got to it yet. I'll do that soon. Sigh. I don't feel very motivated. I guess that's the story of my life.

What I apparently am:

I just took a Jungian type test that Lisha did on her blog (because I was bored), and I'm:
Test Results: Introvert: 10%, iNtuitive: 60%, Thinking: 29%, Perceiving: 32%

Your Personality Type is:

INTP

A more thorough description can be seen here.

But I think it describes me pretty well. But how accurate are these tests? I mean, you can lie about them however you want. Too bad you can't have someone fill it out for you. And even if they did, how will they really know what you're thinking?

Dancing on the Moon

Well, I'm liking my new schedule. Only classes on MWF, and nothing on tuesday or thursday. In order to pick up the slack, I joined the soccer and slo-pitch softball teams this term. Hopefully they would be fun.

Yup, I haven't been updating in a while. First from the end of exams, to no internet at home. It has been cool so far, and it seems that life won't be that bad.

For the past week though, I was pretty much out of it, and played Warcraft:DOTA for 2 consecutive days. However, I have since uninstalled it after I won one match. Hopefully, this would mean better grades for now.

Haven't done anything productive lately. I have stopped writing and I haven't even recorded any my dreams down. They're cool, in an adventurous type of way, but lately I haven't had the heart to write. No motivation again.
=================================================

Seriously though, what have I to be proud of? Do we even think marks or anything like that to be anything to be prideful about? How about money? I don't think unless you have a whole shitload of money like enough to buy out other companies that you have anything to be proud of. There's always someone bigger than you and force you to change if your dedicate yourself to money.

All I have is an ability to analysis, but not really to change. And a way to think about what it is for me to do something. Do I really want to do anything spectacular and win awards and stuff? No, those people achieve their status by a lot of sacrifice. A lot of sacrifice that I would not be able to handle. A lot of sacrifice I would not want to handle. Life is about being satisfied with what you have I think, and I think I'm pretty satisfied with what I have right now, even if it is not what I thought I had planned.

Planning. Plans never work in life. Life is a dynamic system, and almost always, your plan is set forth in a world that is no longer the same. What did I envision myself as I went into university?I certainly would not have envisioned my life as it is now. Meet a lot of people, did that. Learn something interesting, kind of did that. Meet the one person I cannot live without, no way. In this past few years, most of the learning was stuff that have little to no use in the real world, and because of that, crammable. It left me with a lot of time for self-reflection.

Gaming. It is to me, like what alcohol is to other people. It wastes time and slows down mental activity. I no longer care much about the outside world. It distracts me away from the ennui of life. But it is just a game. It furthers no purpose but to waste time. It also stops me from thinking too much.

Goals. I figured that by this time in university, I'd have an idea of what I wanted to do. Whether it was to work in the technical field, or to go and do research or to solve on of mankind's great problems, I thought I would know. But you know what, I have no clue. After co-op, I figured that while I like working sometimes, it is the learning that intrigues me, the models that one generates and fit into the whole like a giant working puzzle. However, I'm never interested enough to learn the equations or do anything useful with it. Another interest is to learn how people think. But sometimes, this is the hardest subject of all, because people can change and they can also lie to themselves. I just don't know what to do. Especially when real life is coming at me so soon. In a year. Granted, a lot can happen in a year, but somehow, I'm not that sure of it.

"...thought is the arrow of time, memory never fades". I love this small poem. Granted, it was written in a fantasy novel by Robert Jordan, but the idea is there. I don't know why I like it so much. I guess it might be because I always had a bad memory, be it for events, or stuff that happened, or people. Unless I have regular contact with them for a while, I usually forget them. It takes time for me to transfer short term memory to long term memory. That may be why I have so much trouble adjusting to people. I forget them so constantly.

Relationships. You know what? After a long debate with myself (the best kind actually. After all, I always win), I'd have to admit, I don't think I've like anyone before. Granted, I may be attracted to them, but to like them in the way of relationships may not be technically true. I think what I really do, is admire them, for different reasons. I don't like them, I admire them. Now, this might be taken the wrong way, that I'm saying this because I had no chance with them or that I never even tried. That is not it. In order for people to even go past the barrier of like to love or even from attraction to like, one must have shared experiences. After all, that is what a relationship is, a number of shared experiences and a desire to have more. I don't think I've had any shared experiences in that way. Or maybe I didn't notice and "missed the boat" so to speak. The end result is that I guess fate was against it. Call it what you will, but it takes that for strangers to accept one another, especially in a bond as time-consuming and strong as one in a relationship. And besides, while that person you feel is your favourite right now, there may be one that is your favourite another time. How exactly do we know that person is the person we can't live without? Maybe we don't ever know. Or maybe it is just about accepting the others 'deficiencies'. The fact is that I believe relationships are born of shared experiences. Now, isn't that a bummer that most of the stuff I do are so solitary. Not really I guess. I guess that's just who I am. What will be, will be. Que sera sera. I don't have any great ambitions. Isn't that weird in a world such as this?

Grandparents. What I do find funny though, is the fact that even my grandparents have pushed me towards dating. Ish. First my friends, then parents, now the grandparents. It's kind of funny actually. It's not like I have an aversion to it, but not many girls interest me. I seem to be able to spot what type of girls would not suit me and none of them seem to have my taste in music, hobbies or activities. Heh, I can't even envision the girl of my dreams right now. To solve a problem, you must at least have a clear picture of what that problem is, but as it stands, I have no clue what that problem looks like. Do I know what I want? Hardly, but I think I do know what I don't want. I can somehow see in my head what would go wrong if I went out with that girl, or that girl, or that girl. I have yet to meet someone that I can't see a problem with. Sigh.

Nostalgia. Sometimes, I have this nostalgia feeling coming from random sources. Once it was about a wedding ring. Another was about a meeting with someone that was very dear to me. But after a moment, the feeling fades. I don't know what triggers these feelings, but they were very... nostalgic, as if everything was right in the world. But the thing is that those events never occurred. I have certainly never been married before, and I don't have anyone that dear to me right now. But maybe they're a sign of things to come. If so, I wonder when it would be sometimes. Hopefully, it would be a happy moment? I place great emphasis on nostalgia. It is perhaps my favourite feeling.

Dreams. Sometimes I really think that my dreams are like a look into alternate universes. Sure I'm not the same person in it every time, and almost every universe is different, I'd love to be able to explore it. It gives me a sense of wonder that there are so many things dreamt of in my philosophy. I find it fun, like an adventure. Sometimes I find life too boring to comtemplate. I wonder if it is because I think too much and too hard. My friends would certainly say so.

I don't know. Maybe these things will pass as I grow older. I doubt it though. These types of problems just seem to get worse as we grow because we lose more time and we become desperate to finish our life goals. More often then not, we have to settle. Is that really alright, just to settle?

Hopefully.