Dreams upon Dreams

As I've said before, I've been having strange dreams lately. This is a continuation of that.
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The dream starts with me being recruited to Ottawa as art of a special forces team. I did not know it at the time, thinking it just merely a high tech company. However, I noticed that the company was remotely located away from the city and it was next to an all-girl school. Apparently, the girls were trianed as operatives, and each of them were being used to infiltrate other places. Not only that, but this organization was widespread. It was international, maybe interplanetary. THe girls were quite promiscuous, and iI was fresh meat. So there were a couple of casual liasions. (I distinctly remember a Belgium girl named Gretchen. I scored after like a day. This does not seem like me.)

However, a quiet girl really captivated my attention. During training, where I learned to used the portals, the girl was strangely quiet. However, when I talked to her, I quickly drew her out of her shell. However, she still seemed strangely remorseful.

The portals were technology that allowed different appetures to connect through space time. This was the biggest secret of them all in this facility and I was being brought aborad to work on it. The girls use it as a way to infiltrate places easier. I was taken across to some place ( I think mexico, given the dry heat and trees) and was given my welcoming party. The female operatives (who were like university girls) were REALLY welcoming. The girl and I really hit it off, and soon, the whole facility knew that we were together.

What was interesting was that when I was arriving, there was a whole uproar about a band of thieves that disappeared with over 1 billion in cash that was being transported in a secret truck. When we got to the island where they were supposedly there, we found the 2 thieves and the girl looked visibly shaken. However, no trace of the money was found. The girl entered a depression and I couldn't seem to break her out of it.

Meanwhile, we were still having fun on the job, one of which was gocarting around the facility. It was strange, but there was a gocart track in the middle of the facility and I made a bet with a co-worker that a gas engine was faster than his electric anyday. We were playing around. It was fun.

One of the things I learned was that the apeatures were not independently controlled. Gatekeepers were given a set of electronic devices, called keys, that would allow their operation and switch their locations. The one that I frequently use look like a boarded up mirror on the wall that was covered with shutters. Apparently, I was kind of scared for given that much responsibility. I told them if there was a way to not give me any "power" and they said no.

I learned that some of the guys were really outrageous with the female operatives. Some kept being playfully scolded by the members of the East "whatever" team. Like the East China team, East Korea team, East Orion team (this is when I knew it was interplanetary).

At this time, I had a sinking suspicion and the fact that I was her boyfriend, that my girl was one of the thieves on that 1 billion dollar heist. One of the robbers, a supposedly ugly hag used a martial dance that seemed similar to one learned by operatives here. She kept wallowing in guilt.

One day, I was eating in the cafe. This was the room on the most outside of the facility. I heard something and looked around. It was like the door was trembling. The other people didn't notice it. THe chairman of the facility was still eating. I got up and tried to talk to him. However, before I could really talk, I notice that the door was really shaking. And I told him, "get out of here, the water's leaking!". People look at me like I was crazy and I got out the other door just as the door exploded and water torrented out. I slammed the emergency button and was really sorry, leaving those people to their deaths, but it would have ruined the facility. Then, as I was walking back to the main part of the facility to warn them, I see the chairman rush up to me. Fearing that I was going to be killed for leaving the chairman behind to die, I cringed. However, he just held up his key (which is like a small cellphone, or a shuffle. IT really looks like a soft pad with shuffle-like devices and Wii controllers). He told me to listen to it. All I could hear on the other side was breathing noises. It was 20 seconds of this creepy breathing noise before I heard "I'm coming for her". I instinctive knew that this was the last member of the thief heist and he was going to kill my girlfriend.

When I rushed around to try to find my girlfriend, I couldn't find her anywhere in the facility. The chairman had an inkling of where she would be. He told the soldiers to NOT kill on sight and that she was still very important. It would be diasterous for the 4th thief to learn of the apeatures and how we control them, but she was really worth more alive, to me, and the chairman. I activated the apeature I controlled and went onto the island. Just as I thought, I found her within a couple of minutes. She was there, ready to take her own life. I convinced her that there was nothing she could do that would make me stop loving her. She started sobbing as I held her. Then she was sorry for stealing that money and the fact that she used $3000 of it. Only $3000 of 1 billion. Sigh. I told her, let's go home. As we got back to the facility, I pushed her through the apeature again, saying "not, you're visitng the Queen". Apparently, she won a medal of some sort for a mission before and never claimed it. And so we were happy. But that last thief still lurked out there, knowing more than we wanted him to know, but still not in the know like we are about the apeatures, which was a good thing.
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Why is it that my dream life seems more interesting than my actual one? I kind of wish that I was part of that universe. That apeature technology seems cool.

Phases

One of the things I've realized is that I tend to go through phases. Things I like. Phrases I state. Actions I do. All of these changed throughout my life. Each of them make me seem like a different person.

Elementary School: (1-3)
Intelligence: High
Friends/Social behavior: High
Sports: High
Culture Awareness: Low
Girls: Average
Distraction: Reading

Elementary School: (4-6)
Intelligence: High (only in math)
Friends/Social behavior: Low
Sports: Average
Culture Awareness: Low
Girls: Low
Distraction: Medival Stuff. Ancient Weaponry.
Quote: "Ugh"

Junior High:
Intelligence: High
Friends/Social behavior: Medium
Sports: Low
Culture Awareness: Medium
Girls: Low
Distraction: Magic Cards. Computers. SNES (Chrono Trigger and FF3)
Quote: "Bah"

High School
Intelligence: High
Friends/Social behavior: Medium/High
Sports: Low
Culture Awareness: Medium
Girls: Low
Distraction: Realms of Despair (text-only game). Observation of social behavior. Anime. Reading Scifi/fantasy
Quote: "Sigh"

University
Intelligence: High
Friends/Social behavior: Medium
Sports: Low
Culture Awareness: High
Girls: Low
Distraction: Warcraft III, World of Warcraft, Manga
Quote:Swearing..."%$^$^"

I've always had an obsessive compulsive personality. I need something to focus on. And usually, that thing isn't school related unfortunately. But what I have noticed is that while I have grown culturally and socially, mentally I've stayed the same. This is unfortunate. But I really don't have a reason to further develop mental skills. I don't know why, but it is no longer a driving force as it once was, as was the case in Junior High when I crammed math into my head. No clue what the future holds, but from trends, Girls will remain low. Sports will change to medium/low. And distraction will be random.

Oh well.
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I've had a string of weird dreams.

August 26,2006.
I met her at some kind of rally. I forgot what type of rally, but during the rally, through some twist of fate, she fell, and I caught her. The attraction was certainly there. We began dating, and you know what, it was great. I felt...happy. It was strange. (This was funny. Because 1. I'm usualyl not happy. and 2. My friends noticed that I acted happier). But one wonders if I can truly find her. I do remember some features. Bright eyes. Cheerful. Short brunette hair down to her chin. And a very warm smile. Bah. I'm so sappy that even trees would be envious. I don't know. While I was dreaming, it seemed kind of nostalgic. Sigh.

August 28,2006
This was not fully remembered, because it involved a plane that was trying to land on a highway because of an accident. It involved really weird newtonian mechanics that made the plane similar to a bumper car. Most of all, it was strange because I could go back to the dream while falling asleep again after I woke up for 10 seconds. Interestingly enough, this dream was in a sleep period of 14 hours.

Weird.

Anyways. I'm kind of tired. Night all. Or morning.

Complaints? Merely observations and introspection.

A friend of mine recently commented that I do nothing but complain about life here. It is true. I use this page as a way to figure out what is "wrong" with my life and try to figure stuff out. I guess you can look at it as a bunch of complaints, but I don't have anything to complain about really. Life hasn't turned out the way I expected it to, and how could it? I missed so many chances of what I want to do and the fact that I learn my stuff through second hand experience really hampers my predictive ability.

I write because it is a method for me to relieve the worries of life. Nothing more. Could life have been better? Certainly. Could life have been worse? Most definately. Would I trade my life for an alternate history version? Maybe, just for the challenge of adapting to someplace new. But you know what, I'm not really concerned about that.

My own lack of goals? That's my problem. Trying to find a goal that fits your life is usually difficult. Most people don't even know if the dream they persue is really the one they want. The ones I want can't exist in this lifetime. All I can do is keep dreaming I suppose. And write them down. Besides, my timeline has already branched out in a way that my "ideal" life is no longer possible. Oh well. Better luck next time.

Till I see you in my dreams, my dear Valkyrie.

Satisfying life?

How many people out there, would or could say right now, that they have lived life. That they have no regrets? That there are nothing for them to truly regret?

Need a life.

Maybe later.

I do go out. And besides. 39 isn't that hard if you don't die.

and besides...is working at IESO a life? I mean, all that wasted time travelling.

What in life is worth having?

Oh well. Dinner with friend, her friends, her sister and her sister's friends. Hi Lisha!

Meh...I need a haircut.

A good night to all and to all a good night.

Okay. I admit it. I'm lazy.

Okay. I admit it. I'm lazy.

I haven't really updated this as much as I should. I apoligize to you readers, but this is a result of my lack of motivation as well as a lack of anything interesting happening in my life right now. I passed 4A, which is good, with marks that aren't too shoddy, although I think I might have been able to do better if I didn't procrastinate as much. But such is the way of life.

This past week was dedicated to WoW. I got the game on the 12th and have been close to playing non-stop. This amounts to 8 days and I'm level 36. This is a phenomenal rate and thus this tells you how much time I have dedicated to this. It's just that most of my HS friends are working and the rest of my friends are either not in town or doing something else (like a trip to NY. There is a reason I didn't go on this trip though.)

In 2 weeks time, I'll be in Ottawa. I dedicate the first 2 weekends to be on an Ottawa tourist trip. Hopefully, there would be people I can waste time with there. Timmy is working in Ottawa, so we can probably hang, although I must admit, we aren't really close. We'll see what is happening in Ottawa in 2 weeks time. I'll try to blog as much as I can there and cut WoW time.

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I think I'm at the point of my life where I really don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I look around. Some people are working, not in jobs they like, but at least jobs they are content in. They spend time as they like and seem to be enjoying life to an extent. Some people got accepted into grad school and seem to revel in the academic challenges there. They seem to have selected their path and are sticking by it.

Me. I have always relied on gifts to "succeed". I'm whining about nothing I know, and I hate myself for it. I'm whining about whining. It's a neverending cycle. But the fact is, I really don't know what I should do. I haven't sacrificed anything for choosing what I want to do. I haven't sacrificed willingly anything to pass exams, tests, etc. I always just squeak by. I kind of feel undeserving of it and I kind of wish I failed so that I can learn a lesson. And yet, I pass by, which kind of makes me unfulfilled. The only time that I felt even closed to failing was our FYDP. And it felt like such a success rush when we finally got it working.

I guess I never persued improving my natural gifts such as my ultra metabolism (apparently linked to a lot of things, such as my eating and non gaining weight as well as my resistance to disease) and my structural models (what I used to think, how I think, etc). I never really studied math even though I showed aptitude in it. I just never found any interest in it. I found out in high school that no matter how good you may think you are, there are people better than you. And with that I gave up and set out to try to understand other stuff, like literature and social sciences. I tried to be a jack of all trades. But you know what, those types of people are so varied that not many people know how to use them and their skills are varied. I think those types of people are best suited for management, to dabble in a little bit of everything, but in order to get there, you have to be specialized first, which kinds of makes me ill. I hate being too specialized in any one thing. It makes you seem more like a machine because a machine is a part designed to do one thing usually.

But now, I'm kind of sick of who I am. I'm unfocused. I have limitless potential still, but at the same time, one can say I have wasted potential because limitless potential imply potential not used. I really don't know what I can do to change it. What do I want to do in life? Heh. Maybe if I was born in the future, I would be able to do what I dreamed of...explore new galaxies and stars. Or explore the limitless potential of dreams and of the changing nature of my dreamworld. I mean, the only thing that could even come close to either of those dreams right now is to be a writer. I've tried that, but I hit roadblocks often and I often lack motivation after writing a page. It's hard to make progress.

I guess that makes the whole GF business a rite of passage. It's like my desire for it is a force to force me to grow. Not that I don't want a GF for any other reason, but that reason behind my psychology is probably a major driving force right now. Do I care for anything physical? Maybe, maybe not. I have to admit that isn't really that high up there for me. I still have that phobia of being touched. Sangwoo (woohoo, you get another mention) said that a relationship (of a couple) only counts if it has physical as well as emotional bonds. Otherwise that is just friendship. I don't know if I agree with that statement. But anyways, I think this whole GF and my desire for one is a result of my desire to force myself to evolve. This is unfair to the girl and thus I have stopped looking for a GF at all. Come what may fate. I leave myself to your 6 hands.

So really, I don't have a goal in mind. When people asked me what I wanted to do after graduation, I really don't know. I don't even know if I wanted to stay in Toronto after I graduate for a job. Or do I want to work endlessly like people at Microsoft? What is it that I want out of life? Work may shorten my thinking time so that I can't become this emo, but it just may bury these thoughts under the burden of work. I don't know. Should I just leave myself to fate? That sounds too fatalistic for me. But I really don't know what to do.

I'm reading Kare Kano right now, and I kinda feel sad. I can relate to both of the main characters. I kind of feel like that I could have been like either Yukino or Arima with my gifts, but I squandered them early in life and now I really don't have anything. Nothing transferable at least. I understand that video games may not be transferable to the real world, but it is an excellent distractor of time. I don't know what I really want to learn. Or do. Some people enjoy social interaction. I don't mind it, but the topics sometimes are not to my taste. They watch shows that I have no interest in and stuff like Fear Factor makes me shake my head. I wonder what it is that interest other people doesn't interest me and vice versa. It's a mystery I guess.

What I do want to be able to do though, is to create something similar to the social scientists of Foundation. Something that would allow me to predict other people's action and to influence to such an extent that I could plan out exactly what they would react and become. But knowing that our technology and mathematical models are not as advanced as those in Foundation, I doubt we'll be able to do what Asimov did in his novel.

If you're a girl and actually understood all of the references in this post, I applaud. WoW, Kare Kano, Foundation. It's like a geekfest spanning Gaming, Anime/Manga, and SciFi/Fantasy.

Well, enough whining. I'll read some more KareKano before I sleep. A good night to all, and to all a good night.

P.S. Unfortunately, I deleted my previous post accidentally. Sigh

I guess its time I write a real entry

Props to Sangwoo for actually reading a blog. Too bad he's too shy to actually write a comment.

Anyways. I haven't wrote about the TV show that I find to be really good. A named pick by TV guide (editor's choice, no less), is the new show "How I met your mother". Talks about a guy named Ted and basically his life through bachelorhood. It has a 'Friends' feel to it, but more concerned about looking for love than the everyday wacky adventure of Friends. I guess I like it because I can sort of relate. "I love the couple stuff that couples do together, but in order to get there, I have to do the single stuff in order to find her." Of course, from an observor's point of view, Ted is an idiot some of the times. But he is still fun to watch. Can't wait till next season.

The best thing about this show would have to be the one liners from it. "Don't give up hope, Ted. There are new women turning 18 every day." "The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old."

Funny lines eh? That could be why I finished the series in 2 days. Before exams. Now, I'm stuck with no funny show and lack of motivation to study. This is probably bad.

Yup. Anyways. Still no job. Oh well. What can you do.

Till next time, I'll see you in my dreams.

Wow. It's almost been a whole week.

That was the funnest most crammiest week ever full of exams and what not. Very fun.

Anyways. 3 exams out of the way. Only 1 remaining. No job yet though. Oh well.