Upon happiness

It was an epiphany for me.

For weeks now, I seemed distressed. A bit out of sorts. Actually, I've probably felt this way quite a few times in my life. An almost seemingly black funk. Probably comes from that fact I've been drifting aimlessly without a direction.

I must admit, I probably haven't live my life the way I wanted to. In a way, I've always just stuck to convention, and try out new things when it didn't change things too much. I don't think that's going to change anytime soon. I'm a conservative at heart. And yet, there's a part of me that would wish this world changed daily. At times, a lot of times actually, I feel like I'm two different people.

Sometimes it's because of this I can't decide on critical decisions. I'd rather let it flow naturally, because either way I choose, a part of me will always regret my choice.

But as I walked out on that Sunday afternoon, just walking towards the mall, everything snapped into focus. I have nothing to be responsible for. I have my life, my health, my petty cash. I'm free to do what I want, as little as my world is. Now I just have to decide whether to expand it or upgrade it. Specialize or generalize. But I got time. It's not like I have to do anything in a certain timing requirement. Everything either goes according to plan or not. Maybe I was just feeling sorry for myself. But either way, I can say that my life isn't craptacular. It's actually pretty nice actually. The only thing I would want is more time. Maybe more sleep.

And sleep also worries me. It's like a small stage of oblivion that we fall into each day. Is my requirement of sleep a sign that I refuse to make decisions. I don't know. But I really think I don't get enough sleep.

Recently, I've been listening to this Korean band, Loveholic. Their songs are mostly ballads, which I like. I think I've in love with the sound. It's been quite a long time since I've been this entranced by music. Although, I wonder what else is in front of my life.

This year marks the 2nd cycle of the zodiac for me. And it shows that I'm 24, no longer a young boy, but a young man that should be taking risks with no thought to the consequences. I wonder if that's really me. I don't even know what I want. I whine a lot about that lack of a love life, but you know what, it really doesn't bother me that much. I'm just kind of curious what it is all about, that's all. Ha, in all honesty, I think that while one part of me idealizes that romantic aspect of oblivion, another part of me sees a relationship as nothing more than a shared memory (the scientific reason why people stay in a relationship), while another part of me sees it as an economic and social convenience. I guess I can become very calculating if I want to be, but somehow, I don't know how useful that skill is. Maybe if I become a lawyer or something.

And I was thinking about my own personal belief system. I've never liked organized religion, but I've always felt that there was something that was watching over me. I call her my Goddess of Convenience. In Elementary school till High school, anything that I wanted to happen, did happen in a matter of speaking. Anytime I needed a bit of luck to make my life easier, that something would happen. Granted, it didn't work really well on critical issues like exams, but anything like multiple choice answers or contests, I would do well on. While I won't link it as some would to a Guardian Angel or something like that, I always believed that a goddess of luck was beside me somehow. Yet I felt that somehow, I've squandered that gift and now I feel like I don't have it anymore. I guess I just need to find my Lady Luck in this plane of existence, instead of in my imagination. =p I wonder when that would be. Haha, somehow I guess that would only happen if my ethereal Goddess of Convenience approves.

Anyways, I should probably sleep. Good night.

Until we meet again in my dreams, my Valkyrie.