Past 2 days

So for the past two days, I've been toying around with the idea that I should write a letter to someone I feel I have acted rudely towards quite a number of years ago. And yet, I dare not write it. I have all the reason to write it, one of which is that it would ease my conscience. The other is that I would very unlikely run into her at any point in my future. And yet, I can't seem to write it. I guess it is part of me that refuse to do anything that is unnecessary because it may expose me to new hurts. I can't even use awkwardness as a factor, because I'd be unlikely to see her ever. And yet, I can't write it because I don't know how to apologize. One of the reasons is that while I may have been excessively rude, I don't know how else to apologize. We were never friends, merely acquaintances, but I feel the need to right this wrong, and yet, I also feel the need to let the past be buried in the past.

What do you guys think?

As a new rule, I have tried to smile more. A lazy kind of smile, rather than a shit-eating grin. I find that it does have an effect on the people around me more. They seem to respond to this lazy smile a little bit more. For example, in the supermarket today, 2 old ladies actually smiled, and the cashier actually seem nice and smiled at me, even when she put my bags away. Much better than the indifference I usually get.

I've also rededicated myself. No point after all, until another year has passed. I need to focus and figure out what exactly it is I want to change into first. I'm also cleaning the house with what little time I have left.

My dreams are haunting. They're returning with a frequency and intensity that I haven't experienced since high school. Sometimes I wonder if I'd ever meet 'the One', just because dreams are such a big part of my life. And given the technology now, she can never share in it. After all, that's what a relationship is after all, the sharing of common experiences.

Sometimes I wonder if I can ever meet someone that I could pledge my loyalty to. And hope she doesn't shatter that loyalty with betrayal. I think that's the only thing I can't ever forgive. It's a good thing I'm pretty accommodating in all other aspects.

Enough writing. I'll go back to cleaning my room before sleeping.

Until I see you in my dreams, my Valkyrie.