So much to do. So little motivation.

Taxes.
Clean up place.
Throw crap out.

My daily living schedule has become a fixed routine lately. It's eat, chat a bit. Read some books. And then sleep. Nothing terribly new and exciting.

And the problem is, I'm content to let it stay that way.

That's a problem you see. Because contentment usually leads to stagnation.

And so far, I don't have a real goal yet. Nor do I have a plan. I'm still struggling trying to find my identity. I'm not really Chinese enough (read that as fobby enough) to mingle with some of the Chinese groups. I don't have the same fervor they have for soap operas and kareoke. Nor do I have the language skills that they possess.

I'm not really westernized either. I do prefer Chinese food, I don't watch sports and I'm more intellectual than a jock. Yet, I don't prefer to mindlessly game for hours one end either. I'd try new games once, but I am not that absorbed into them that much. Besides nostalgia's sake, I do not enjoy gaming that much. It is more like a replacement as a social outlet more than anything else. A shared activity if you will.

My morals and principles? Probably as strict and judgmental as the Christians on views of sexual conduct and relationships. However, I'm not a Christian, and I actually dislike organized religion. I'm an agnostic or a pagan, depending on how you count superstitions. Well, I believe in my goddess of convenience. Well, there we go, I really don't fit in religion wise either, although that's not a huge issue nowadays (usually).

A large part of my problem is my identity I would say. I don't know who I am and which 'group' I fit into. Unless misfit is a group. =p Been trying to become more 'stylish', but it is slow going, as I'd have to change some of my mannerism as well. I may have to work on that. Especially the no slouching part.

I'm trying to work out more regularly nowadays. It is getting better, although I must admit that I do sometimes forget. Hopefully, this change will happen soon. I'd have to sleep better. That's for sure.

I also admit that I've been sheltered a lot of times in my life in relationship issues such as friendship and other stuff. I have never really grown up. My friendship parameters are still in junior high school mode with patches added on for each 'advance'. So the structure is kind of shaky. However, since the whole set of behavior for working was developed in university, it was much better. It's hard to explain, but I feel that I am an incomplete person, with half of me grown up and the other half being still juvenile.

Oh well, no use whining about this stuff. It is written here just so that it is realized and self-actualization can occur. I believe this will make me a stronger person. That's why I have to say that I'm not really ready for a full fledged relationship yet. My comfort zone is still stuck in that stage between friend and relationship. So, until I grow, that will never happen, which is why I really don't worry about it anymore. I'm worry about my personal growth instead.

I'm happy to say, it's going smoothly.

Until I see you in my dream again, my dear Valkyrie.

ps. been having awesome dreams the past 2 days. Haven't written them down like usual though, so I forget. But they have been epic storylines with different sets of intrigue, romances, fighting and adventure. Very enjoyable.